Singledom Complications

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Sometimes I just don’t understand gay men .. and I definitely include myself in that statement!

Over the past little while, my social (aka – sex) life has gotten a bit complicated.  Or at least it seems more complicated than I’d like it to be to me.

As I mentioned in a previous post (click HERE to read), I’ve been spending a bit of time over the past couple months with a sweet Italian bear.  Mostly it’s about enjoying each other’s company, hanging out, watching movies, and getting lots of cuddles.  I’d known for awhile that he fancied me, and although I don’t feel the same for him, I have enjoyed his company.

Then came the house-warming party a few weeks back (he and a couple friends recently moved into a new place)…

sexy hairy manOne of the guests was a sexy Italian chaser I’ve known for a couple years now but never had much opportunity to get to know.  We used to chat online awhile back, but nothing ever came of it.

Basically it was one of those connections where we were attracted to each other, but just ended up as ships passing in the night.

As soon as I arrived at the party, the chaser was on me like a house on fire.  I’d barely taken off my coat before his hand was on my ass and his tongue was down my throat.

Oh man.. that first kiss was so damn electric!!

Long story short, we spent the rest of the night sneaking kisses, with me being overly conscious of whose house we were in.  The last thing I wanted to do was to upset our mutual friend.

But eventually as we both got a bit tipsy, caution was thrown to the wind and we were full on making out in the middle of the kitchen.  Some of the other guests joked that we should ‘get a room’.

Since the party, the chaser and I have met up a couple times, and the electricity from that first kiss carried into the bedroom (sorry, no gory details.. not that type of blog lol). I found being in his company quite easy and comfortable.. and I think he felt the same, but who knows with some guys.

Gay_Couple_togetherness_in_bed_01I haven’t talked to the Italian bear about all this yet, but apparently the chaser has told him we’ve spent some time together.  I may be over-thinking it, but am just a bit worried that he’ll feel hurt that I’m now sleeping with his friend.. though he knows we both like each other.

Oh who knows.

Now here’s where I’m getting confused in regards to the chaser.. and myself I suppose.

There’s been no discussion as to what this is between us, whether it’s just a bit of fun or if there’s possibility of something more.  Sure, he’s vaguely mentioned about getting together again, but nothing’s been set in stone.

As I left his place Friday night, he said I could come along the next night to a 80’s synth-pop night in the city.  For some reason, I took that as an invite, but he clarified the next day that it was more I could ‘tag along’ if I was interested.

Instead of sitting at home over-analysing it, I went along and we had a great time with a couple of his friends.  We danced all night, sang horribly as we tried to remember the words to the music, and generally had a great night.

And he was such a flirt. With both me and another guy with us. :-/

jealousy2I tried not to, but I starting feeling jealous whenever they were flirty.  And a pang of disappointment at the end of the night when I had to find a night bus for the epically long journey home.. and they went off to catch the same bus.

I dunno if they went home together.. and not sure if I want to know.

What I do know is I do like this guy, both in and out of the bedroom.  I find him interesting, engaging and sexy as hell.  I am trying to just take things as they come, but it’s not easy for me..  I suppose I just wish I knew what he thought about us – or even if there is an ‘us’.

Sometimes it just feels like we’re tiptoeing around each other, playing the gay mating game to some extent (a mate recently said he thought my sex life was starting to sound like a gay ‘Game of Thrones’ lol).

Perhaps I’m over complicating things in my head by letting my thoughts/feelings get away from me. Or perhaps I’m just so desperate to find someone special that I’m jumping at the first guy in a long time that’s shown me any interest (applies to both of the Italians I think..).

*Sigh* Why does being single have to be so damn complicated? LOL

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Things That Happen When You Don’t Sleep Enough

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Everyone at some point in their lives will suffer from a lack a sleep.  It could be as simple as having trouble dropping off at night, or waking up in the middle of the night and not being back to get back to sleep, or even to the extreme – full blown insomnia.

It’s ok.  It happens to us all. But what matters is how you deal with the sleeplessness itself.. as well as the effects it can happen in your daily life if you don’t.

And it goes beyond just the feelings of being tired, cranky, hungry, and irritable. Or even just needing a good cup of coffee to wake you up.

Here are a few things that can happen when you’re not getting enough sleep.

You get yourself into trouble at work

annoyed-300x200When you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re more likely to become irritable at work and possibly engage in deviant behaviour that could leave you vulnerable to disciplinary action (in extreme circumstances).

You’re basically more likely to cut corners, find the easy way to complete your work, gossip unnecessarily about co-workers, be disrespectful to your bosses, or possibly even steal from your work place.

The best thing to do is to just give yourself a few moments to think about the situation before taking any actions.  You’ll thank yourself for it later on.

Slowly, you get depressed

The relationship is complex – depression may cause sleep problems and sleep problems may cause or contribute to depressive disorder. Lack of sleep or inability to get to sleep can be a red-flag for depression as it can lead to increased tension, irritability, fatigue, less exercise, and a lower level of vitality and fitness.

Best course of action is to ensure you maintain your daily routines, especially if it includes some sort of activity or exercise to get your blood pumping.  The endorphins it’ll release will help halt the onset of a depressive period, as well as help tire you out so you’ll have a better night’s sleep.

You overeat and get fat(ter)

When you’re not sleeping well, you can make some bad food choices, be it having a late night snack while still laying awake, or justifying allowing yourself that double cheeseburger for lunch the next day because you had such a horrible night.

Sleeplessness can actually affect your hormones, mostly an increase in ghrelin (tells you when to eat) and a decrease in leptin (tells you when to stop eating). The best thing to do is to eat healthy and normally when you’re not sleeping well.  Your waistline will appreciate it.

You’re a risk behind the wheel

Obviously when you’re not sleeping well, you can be a danger to yourself and others on the roads because your judgement can be impaired.

Sleepy driverWhen you’re driving and you’re sleep deprived, it can be the equivalent of driving while intoxicated. Your reactions and your ability to recognise dangers on the road are slower, and could potentially cause an accident.

If you can, take public transport or let someone else drive who’s had a good night’s sleep.  If that’s not possible, like your job involves a lot of driving, then do yourself and other drivers a favour and take your time on the roads.

Your testosterone dips (for men)

A lack of adequate sleep can affect a man’s testosterone levels, and in effect, affect their sex drive or their vitality for life.  A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that men who were only allowed 5 hours sleep a night had testosterone levels dip 10 to 15%.  This is because testosterone levels are generally replenished while sleeping.

Love sleep(Unfortunately the study mentioned above didn’t look at the effects of sleeplessness on women, so unsure if they would have the same reactions or not.)

So here are a couple simple tricks to help you on your way to a healthy night’s sleep on a regular basis:

  • Avoid too much caffeine, especially later in the day,as it can linger in your system up to 12 hours after consumption;
  • Ensure your bed is comfortable and is your ‘nest’. A dark, cool, ‘work-free’ environment is best;
  • Set yourself a nightly sleep routine to help you wind-down before heading off to sleep.

This post was inspired by the article – 5 Crazy & Weird Things That Happen When You Don’t Sleep Enough.

Overcoming Loneliness

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Being alone and feeling lonely are two completely different things.  You can be alone and perfectly content with your surroundings.  Or you can be in a group of people and feel such a disconnect from those around you that the loneliness can be overwhelming.

And many variations in between obviously.

Loneliness is a complex mental and emotional phenomenon that can cause feelings of abandonment in ourselves, real or imagined.  Mostly it’s an emotional echo of a past feeling of perceived abandonment that can cause these scary feelings to resurface.

I need a hugIt could be that you’re having a unexpected quiet Saturday night at home, despite knowing many of your friends are out having fun.. and feeling like you’re being excluded from their revelry.

Or it could be that all you want is someone to hang out with, not necessarily go out, but anyone you’d like to spent time with are either too busy with other friends or partners.

It’s all about figuring out what the triggers for these feelings are, and finding ways to overcome the loneliness that ensues.

Realize that loneliness is a feeling, not a fact.

Just because you’re alone on a Saturday night when you’d rather be spending it with friends, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re actually all alone in the world.  It’s too easy to allow your brain to jump from feeling alone to other negative thoughts (Am I a loser? Why doesn’t anyone love me?) that can be damaging to your psyche and emotional state.

By confusing your feelings with actual facts, you’re causing it to become a bigger problem and can start overreacting.

Reach out to others.

It’s not always an easy thing to reach out to others when you’re feeling lonely or abandoned by your loved ones.  In fact, it’s probably easier to just withdrawal from the world and try to deal with your feelings by yourself.  But you’d be wrong.

Reaching out and trying to cultivate friendships is probably the healthiest thing you can do when sad and alone.  As children, we would cry to evoke a comforting response from others to overcome these feelings.  But sadly as adults, this doesn’t evoke the same response.

Be aware of your self deflating thoughts.

feeling uglyIt’s hard to be aware of those around you who love and care for you when you’re going through a loneliness spell.  Instead all you can see is the how the world around you sucks, and can’t see any possible light at the end of the tunnel.

This thought process can start in childhood and progress into adulthood in the form of habitual assumptions about the social world around you.  You look and compare yourself to other’s perceived social standing, which will always leave you feeling worth less than them.

Fight the mental and emotional habits.

Once you realise you’re dealing with a recurrent emotional habit, you can plan to fight it and deal with the loneliness.  Make the effort to reach other and connect to others.  Healthy interactions with friends are good for you emotionally, so reach out, initiate conversations, and put in some quality face-to-face time.

It’s hard work, but vastly worth it in the long run.

Focus on the needs and feelings of others.

It can all too easy to turn inwards when you’re feeling down, and focus solely on your own issues.  But sometimes you just need to make the effort to turn your focus outwards to those around you, even if it’s just the people sharing the sidewalk with you as you stomp down the street.  Mentally wish them a good day or give them a brief smile as you pass.  Every little bit helps, and you could be helping someone else almost as much as you’re helping yourself.

Find others like you and show up.

join-meSometimes all you need to get over the loneliness is to find a group of people who share some of your interests – a book club, sports group, massage classes, etc.  But finding that group of kindred spirits is only half the battle – you have to actually show up!  It can be hard, especially for the procrastinator in all of us, but if you make the effect then you’ll reap the rewards.

And most importantly, if the group you join doesn’t work for you, don’t just give up! Dust yourself off and find another group that may be better suited to your needs, and keep at it until you find the right fit.  It’s not always easy or quick, but you’ll get there in the end.

Be curious and kind

You have a choice whether to be curious and kind, or to give off an aura of disinterest.  The former will easily attract others to you as the attention you’re giving them will be returned to you.  And this will take the focus away from your own feelings and negative thoughts.

As they say, ‘You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar’.

This post was inspired by the article – All By Yourself? 10 Ways To Overcome Loneliness | World of Psychology.

Are We Friends or Not?

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I’m finding it harder and harder at times to determine if some people are actually my friends or are just there for when it suits their needs.

I’m not talking about those who are in my day to day life, but more of those who only pop up when it’s convenient for them.  Where you’ll go months and months without hearing from them, then suddenly they want to know your life story, a ‘catch up’, in a sentence or two.

As if that’s even possible, even if you have such an uneventful life like me.  LOL

But the funny thing is how they react when you call them on their shitty ‘friendship’.  Some try to put it back on you because they haven’t heard from you either.. which can be a fair point sometimes.  And some will just apologise but not explain why you haven’t heard from them.

sexy turkI bring this up as I got a message yesterday from a sexy Turkish/Bahrainian guy I used to play with from time to time.  I’d last heard from him briefly at Christmas, and then his previous message was probably close to 6 months before then.

We’ve known each other for at least 3 years now, and I used to regularly message him to meet up, but he never could because of family commitments (separated from his wife, lived with his mother and had partial custody of his son..).

Or if we did agree to meet up, it was usually somewhere that was convenient for him but not for me… Many times I’d travelled to North London when I lived in Vauxhall only for him to cancel.  One time I got his cancellation message as I got there, only for him to message me a couple hours later that he could now meet.. meanwhile I’d already travelled back home.

Very frustrating, especially when we got along so well, both personally and sexually.

But after awhile, I got sick of his excuses why he couldn’t meet up.

I eventually told him that if he wanted to spend time with me then he needed to make the effort to organise it, to ask me to meet up and such.  That I was done chasing after him, that this one-sided friendship wasn’t fair on me.

religionObviously I’m not so shallow to be blind to the issues he has reconciling his bisexuality and his religion. He and his family are devout Muslims so it’s extremely difficult for him to accept his attraction to chunky guys.

In his mind, because of his upbringing, sex between two men is considered dirty and unnatural, and most definitely against everything he’s been brought up to believe in.  At one point he actually thought there was something wrong with him physically or psychologically and was looking to go to a doctor to try and ‘fix’ it.

And of course, nothing I could say to him during those periods could convince him otherwise.

Religious misconceptions aside, the most frustrating thing was how he’d never reply to messages.  Or if I sent him a message that expressed any sort of dissatisfaction with his side of our ‘friendship’, then I wouldn’t hear from him again for another couple months.

I got so frustrated by it all yesterday that I actually told him to grow a pair and be a man already. To love who he wants to love, not who others tell him he should love.  That if he likes me as much as he keep saying he does (it’s his usual spiel) then he should make an effort to see me.

sexy beard2Yeah.. that was all probably unfair of me. He can’t help that he’s been brought up in a different culture that makes people think if they don’t live a certain life then they must be a bad person.  That any deviation from the ‘norm’ would result in losing everything they hold dear.

From what I’ve gathered he’s decided to just not bother meeting me because he can’t (or won’t, not sure..) give me what I’m looking for.  I don’t expect a marriage proposal from him or anything, just be nice to spend some time together.  Even if it was just as mates.

Or maybe I’m just expecting too much from him..

For the Love of Cuddles..

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Beyond the stresses I’ve been having at work (read my previous post HERE), I’ve been feeling a bit stressed in my personal life.

Well, maybe stressed isn’t the right word.  Frustrated doesn’t quite cut it either.. or maybe I’m just confused or a bit bewildered at some things that have been happening.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been spending time with this guy I’ve known for well over a year.  The first few times were dinners at his place, with cuddles and kisses on the sofa afterwards.. Plus a bit of half-naked fun one of the times I went over.

tumblr_mexioueaij1qami9to4_1280Now as I said, we’ve known each other for awhile, but I’d never considered him more than a friend despite my knowing he’s had the hots for me since we met.. mostly because he’s not my usual type.

You see, he’s a bear.  A big, chubby/chunky guy who’s into other big guys… I’m generally attracted to more cubby or chaser type guys who may have a little bit of a belly (I’m realistic that I’m not going to attract a guy with a six-pack lol), but not big like me.

I was flattered and he was well aware that I wasn’t into other bears, so didn’t really press the matter.

Though we did have a bit of virtual fun one day last summer… but nevermind, that’s a completely different story. ;-)

Anyway, what was surprising to me was how easy and comfortable it was to spend time with him.  He’s a lovely guy, a great cuddler,an amazing kisser (very very important lol) and he’s all over me in bed.  Not a bad thing lol.

And above all, I’ve really been enjoying his company.

In fact, after helping him move into his new place last month with a bunch of his friends, I ended up being his first overnight guest.. much to the surprise of his flatmate (a mutual mate I’m attracted to but never done anything with).  It was the first time we’d spent the night together.

beardy kissBut here is where I’m a bit concerned – Am I just using his generosity and his attraction to me as a way to boost my self-confidence?  Am I using him to just feel better about myself?  Am I using him for cuddles and some sexual fun to get myself past the sexual sabbatical I’ve had since the summer?

I do like him as a person.  Obviously the last thing I want to do is to lead him on, or let him think there’s something more there than just a bit of casual fun.  He’s a lovely, generous, sweet guy who’d make any guy a terrific boyfriend.  I just don’t know if that’s me.

I’ve been trying to not over-think it like I usually do, and just enjoy it for what it is.  And for the most part this has been working.

So.. since moving to the new place, I spent the night again the following weekend and then went over for dinner again the following weekend.

But imagine my surprise and frustration when he invited me over for dinner that following weekend to arrive at a mini dinner party with two of his other friends, and then he was going out to a club with one of them afterwards.

TheNewYorker-Cover-BertErnieMarriageEquality-(2013-07-08+15)None of which he’d told me before I’d agreed to come over.

You see, I’d been feeling a bit down that day and had mentioned I probably wasn’t good company because of it.  But he insisted I come over for dinner, so was expecting it just be the two of us for dinner, and then cuddling up to watch a movie.

And I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be sociable.  *sigh*

Guess it goes to show you really shouldn’t assume anything these days.  Now if only I knew where this was going, if anywhere…

Where’s the Bears at, Manchester?

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So here we are, my best mate P and I, half way through our trip to Manchester.  And over the past couple nights we’ve been asking ourselves – and each other – the same thing..

Where the hell are all the damn bears????

I’d always heard/assumed that Manchester had a big bear community, especially since the annual British Bear Bash party is (was?) one of the biggest in the UK. Kind of a safe assumption I’d say, right?

But imagine our surprise to arrive in Manchester and there’s no dedicated bear bar or pub. That when we’ve asked around as to where to go, we’re directed to a bar full of leather men and guys wearing latex (think there was a fetish party going on somewhere), and to the prerequisite Eagle which just wasn’t that busy. 

Maybe we’re missing something. Maybe there’s some hidden gem of a bear bar that nobody’s telling us about (and is so hidden you can’t even find it on the Internet lol). 

Maybe there just aren’t any guys in Manchester either of us would find attractive. Maybe they’ve all moved away. Lol

Or maybe there really isn’t that big of a scene here after all (Growlr would say otherwise…). Or maybe they’re all partnered off and sitting at home on a Friday night. 

I dunno.  All I do know is we’ve both been pretty underwhelmed by the city so far, and that’s disappointing. It’s not a horrible city at all, in fact it’s quite clean and seems nice.. but just doesn’t seem like there’s anything to do. 

Other than drink and shop.

Or maybe I’m just so used to London (and P used to Glasgow/Edinburgh) where there’s always something to do, something touristy, something fab and interesting. 

Or maybe we’re just missing something. 

Oh well, still another couple days to go. Hopefully something interesting will pop up.. Once we finally crawl out of bed with our hangovers. 😉



Getting Snappy

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I’m finding more and more these days that it’s a struggle to keep myself out of the ‘dark place’.  To keep my spirits up and try to look at each new day as something exciting or interesting, even if all I’m doing is my usual daily routine.

And I think I was kind of succeeding with this over the past few weeks despite the lacklustre goings on in my life.  I’ve been doing my best to just enjoy my free time by watching my favourite television shows (Doctor Who marathon anyone?), relaxing on my sofa, and relishing the rare opportunities to spend time with mates.

Unfortunately this hasn’t been going so well for the past week or two, and I’m finding myself stressed out and desperately looking forward to some well-deserved time off work next week (I’m off to Manchester next weekend with my best mate P from Scotland).

I know a lot of this stress and anxiety I’m feeling is due to a few changes at work (something I don’t tend to write much about on here..), where we’ve finally gotten some new staff in to replace the ones that quit/were fired over the holidays.  Normally I enjoy the challenge of showing new people how things work and the processes that need to be followed, but this time I’m finding it too much.

For some reason, it feels like it’s all coming down on me to show the newbies the ropes, which results in a constant bombardment of questions that pulls me away from the work I need to get done.

468737-stressIt’s not so much the questions themselves, but how it’s the same ones over and over again, mostly from this one particular guy.  He’s picked up most of the system processes, but anything else he feels this need to reconfirm on a daily basis, despite us telling him to write things down.

And sometimes he comes out with the most ridiculous questions that either don’t make any sense at all or are just plain stupid.

Gawd, how I hate using that word about someone, especially when I think he’s actually just insecure.  I keep trying to get him to think for himself, but instead he’d rather re-ask the same questions just to make sure.. which then makes me snappy and frustrated to no end.  And once he’s completed the tasks he’s been ‘told’ to do, he’ll just sit there and chill while the rest of us are still working away until end of shift (and beyond some days) as if there wasn’t anything else to do.. and he doesn’t ask if there is.

The worst was this past Friday when I was alone with all 3 of the newbies (my boss had booked the day off.. damn her hahaha), and I couldn’t get anything done.

But when it took me close to 2 hours to do one simple task because I was constantly having to give them directions or tell them what needed to be done next (which they should know by now), I couldn’t help snapping at them.  And that’s not like me at work at all.

too much to do at workSome of the management have commented in the past how I’m always calm and cool regardless of what is going on or what needs to be done.  And this is exactly how I want to be at work.

Unfortunately the stress of the day got the better of me, and I was frazzled all day long.  Something a couple of my colleagues in the office noticed and kept (discretely) checking in on me to see if there was anything they could do to help..

But not any of the management, surprisingly enough.  Hmmm..

Anyway, luckily the supervisor is back to work on Monday, and we’ll have a busy couple of days to ensure we get ahead of the game before I have my time off from Thursday.

Though hopefully it isn’t as bad for her while I’m off until the following Wednesday.. but then again, can’t predict anything I suppose.

Guess I’ll have to write a second post about the stresses in my personal life.. Watch this space. ;-)

Where’d My Drive Go?

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Back when I first moved to London, I seemed to always be on the go.  Checking out new areas, looking to meet new people, and just generally enjoying getting out there and exploring what my new city had to offer.

After reading an article a mate posted on Facebook this morning, it’s made me wonder where that person went.  Where that inquisitive and adventurous person disappeared to.

When did I become so complacent in my day to day life?

Basically, I’ve settled in and become a fixture on my own sofa.  I’ve lost that innate desire to explore the city and to try new things that I had when I first moved here.  I’ve lost my drive to make my life interesting and exciting.

But is that a bad thing?  We all get into routines from time to time,and sometimes life gets so busy that you just need that quiet time recharging on the sofa.  And boy, do I love my downtime!

airplane windowOr perhaps this is my subconscious telling me I need to try somewhere new to get those adventurous juices flowing again.  Maybe I just need to take a trip (preferably abroad, and somewhere sunny) to jump-start that desire within myself while living in London.

Or maybe it’s time to think about leaving London…

As my bestie P keeps asking me what’s really keeping me in London?  It’s not like I’ve some fantastic social life here, or tons of friends to spend time with, or some fantastic lover who’s career keeps them in town.  And it’s not like I myself have some amazing job that I can’t get anywhere else…

So what is it that’s preventing me from making such a big change?

Probably more than anything it’s nerves and being scared of the unknown.. which is a lame excuse considering the HUGE change I made when I first moved to London 6 1/2 years ago. All by myself.  I really can’t excuse being scared of such a change, when it pales in comparison to that.

Is it finances?  Yeah, that’s possibly part of it as well.  It costs money to move to a new city, and if you don’t already have a job lined up then you need enough to live on until you find something.

Before I moved to London I saved my pennies for most of a year, allowing me to move here with a nice little nest-egg that afforded me a month or two without working.  Luckily I found a job and a place to live within my first month here, so it all worked out.

However based on my current financial status, I’m barely scraping by each month.  So that doesn’t leave much breathing space to start saving for some big move.

Not that I have any clue where I’d want to move to …

A couple of years ago when I was first made redundant, I did consider moving south to Brighton.  I was doing alright financially at the time, and could afford the move itself.

I was so adamant that it was going to happen that I spent a bunch of time down there looking at flats and rooms to rent, but never really found anything I truly liked.  So I stopped trying.. and ended up staying in London, living through a year of unemployment and depression.

where nextI’m under no allusions that my life would have been better if I’d gone ahead with the move south.  Or even that I’d have found a job right away, let alone an actual social life.  But it does make me wonder what could have been…

Anyway… no point looking back on that when it’s time to look to the future.

Now just to figure out where the hell that future will take place.  ;-)

Laziness or Hibernation

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Yeah that’s right, I’ve been a right lazy ass over the past several weeks.  And I don’t just mean because of the lack of posts on here since the New Year, though that is part of it.

More than usual, all I seem to want to do lately in my spare time is relax on my sofa with Netflix playing on the laptop, while I play around on my iPad or read on the Kindle.

I get up.  I go to work.  I come home, and *plop* – my butt is firmly implanted on my little sofa in my bedroom, and I don’t generally move until it’s time to go to bed.

Other than dinner at a friend’s place a couple times and my monthly bowling night, the last time I really went out was on New Year’s Eve.  Hell, even when I hung out with a local mate this past Friday night, it was drinking wine on my sofa watching cheesy movies.

I’ve stopped what little social life I’d had before the holidays, and you know the funny thing?  I’m not really missing it.

'Hello, reception, can I have a wake-up call in spring please?'And no, I’m surprisingly not feeling depressed or upset with the world around me.  Instead it’s more of a hibernation.. I’m just doing my best to stay warm in my icebox of a bedroom (usually curled close to the weak electric heater).

Perhaps I’m just bored of the London scene, and how there’s never really anything new to do or anyone new to meet.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy going out and it would be nice to be able to.  I’ve been invited out a couple times by a dear friend, but I’ve had to turn him down due to being broke as hell (January has been a very tight month financially..).

It could partly be the finance side of things is what has been making me stay at home all the time, but I think it’s more than just that.

Before the holidays whenever I’d spend an entire weekend on my own, usually feeling sorry for myself, I’d feel frustrated that I was wasting entire weekends sitting at home.  That I could possibly be missing out on something by staying home all the time.  That I’d never meet someone interesting by watching Netflix all weekend.

But what I’m finding interested these days when those feelings start to crop up, I just seem to dismiss them as unimportant.  And then I continue to enjoy my time alone and watch another episode of whatever TV show I’m marathon watching (currently a mix of Merlin and the original Life on Mars).

Is there a downside to all this time alone?  Of course there is, and surprisingly it’s not loneliness or feeling horny.  ;-)

I can’t stop freakin’ eating!! Hahahahahaha I’m snacking more now than I ever used to be, and have probably put on a few pounds, despite my efforts to eat lots of salads and such throughout the week.

Anyway, I know I’ve always been somewhat of a homebody, barely leaving the house unless I had somewhere specific I had to go.

River view towards Canary WharfBut there are times when I can’t help but think that maybe I should do something on my days off.  Like maybe go for a walk along the river, or go check out the (gay) pubs and such in nearby Greenwich.  Or maybe take my laptop to a coffee shop to a different area just for a change of pace (the local Starbucks is a 5 minute walk from my place lol).

Perhaps I’ve partly been such a shut in lately because of where I’m now living, as it takes a lot longer to get anywhere than before and it costs more (due to being further out from central).  But that’s probably more of an excuse than an actual reason.

I’m hibernating, plain and simple.  It be nice for someone to join me (like my mate did this past Friday night), but I’m not going to get my knickers in a twist because nobody will join me. Lol

Instead I’m going to continue to enjoy the quiet while it lasts, and do my best to keep this calm relaxed mentality I’ve seemed to have adopted since the holidays.

And look forward to a possible trip to Manchester end of next month with my bestie P from Scotland.  Finances willing, obviously. :)

New Year, New Mentality

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Just like most people, I look forward to New Years as a way to put the previous twelve months behind me and hopefully move forward with my life.

Or at least that’s what I try to tell myself.

This year, more than any other, I find that I need to revitalise myself and my attitude towards life.  That I really need to put the past to bed, and try to move ahead with where I want my life to go.

Easier said (or written) than done to be honest.

The past week between Christmas and New Years has been quite rough for me, and not just because of the sadness or loneliness I felt over the holidays.  Though it does play a big part in things.

don't chase peopleI’m not going to go into intricate details, but while feeling down last Saturday I had a blow-up with one of my mates.  Due to my own feelings of abandonment, I ended up lashing out about how I was feeling causing him to storm out of the coffee shop.  He then messaged that he no longer wanted to be my friend, and then blocked me from being able to contact him.

That really hurt.

But the more I thought about it, the more it was inevitable due to my pushing him with my anger and resentment towards my life and the world around me.  I let my emotions and insecurities get the better of me, and there was no way to change what happened (I tried to apologise obviously..).

All I really needed in that moment was someone to listen to how I was feeling, help me talk through the thoughts in my head.  And maybe a cuddle or two.

However, after it happened and I got over the initial shock of his response, I surprisingly felt quite calm.  As if that was exactly what I needed to vent the emotions I’d been bottling up over the holidays, and for the remainder of the weekend heading into New Year’s Eve, I didn’t feel as upset or angry as I was.

Ok, so the feelings didn’t completely go away overnight.  Was more that it was a wake up call about how I was reacting to things as they happened.  That I was kind of looking at the world as if it owed me something, like I had a sense of entitlement about how people should act towards me.

LifeIsPainful2And what this did was help me realise that it was all bullshit.  That the feelings themselves, although valid and real from my point of view, were stupid and only in my own head.  That I can’t expect people to be there for me when I’m feeling down if all I’m going to do is be angry about life.

And that the only person I can truly rely on to be there for me is ME, so I need to ensure I can approach my issues with a calm and level head.

Now do I still think I need to talk to a professional about everything I’ve been thinking and feeling over the past while?  Of course I do, but at least now it doesn’t feel like a life or death situation.

Don’t worry.  I haven’t necessarily been feeling suicidal, but I could easily see where certain thoughts could have lead down that path.  And that scared the shit out of me.

So now it’s a new year, and hopefully this means some new beginnings while putting the past behind me.  It’s not going to be an easy thing, but fingers crossed I can get where I need to be for me.

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