Bear With Me

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Haven’t disappeared again… just life gets busy sometimes, and before you know it several weeks have passed.

Plus it’s summertime and the weather has been faaaab for once in the UK (recent heat wave), so been enjoying it where I can.

Though sadly have only been to the beach once. . Need to fix that. 😉

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The Trials of Being an ‘Average’ Gay

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Life as a gay man can have it’s ups and downs.  And if you’re considered an ‘average’ gay, then you may be in for a few additional ones.  At least that’s the way society and the media makes us believe.

We all know that a lot of gay men out there can be very superficial when it comes to appearance (and I include myself in that generalisation…), but have we reached a point where the stereotyping is starting to harm those who may not fit that perfect mould?  Not everyone can have the body of a Greek god with perfect hair, muscles upon muscles, great abs, a large package, etc.

Unfortunately, the media does tend to paint the picture that only the most attractive amongst us could possibly be considered successful, happy, or desirable.  That you ‘must’ look like an Abercrombie model in order to be attractive.

When you really get down to it, the actual percentage that would fit that stereotype is probably quite slim, whereas the rest of us could be considered average with varying degrees up or down.  But yet we’ve somehow allowed ourselves to buy into the shallowness and try to strive to reach that unattainable ‘perfection’ and hotness – the perfect body, the hot AF boyfriend, the ideal life.

What a load of crap, huh?

Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone.  Not everyone is turned on by an awesome set of abs, pecs that are marble-like slabs, a chiselled chin, or an ass so tight and peachy you could bounce a quarter off it.

There are whole sub-sects of the gay community that perceive things differently, and have different ideals of what is beautiful (bears, chubby-chasers, etc).  But sadly the media would consider them ‘average’ and perhaps even dismiss them for not wanting to live up to what’s considered an ideal.

Regardless of what you find attractive, it’s more likely that this ‘yearning’ for what others have is due to all of us (gay, straight or anyone in between) regularly comparing our lives to those around us, or to those depicted in the media.  And as much as we know deep down it’s all a facade, we can’t help but to buy into the happy-happy everyone posts on their social media and think ‘I wish that was me’ or ‘I want that’.

But does that necessarily mean your life will be more difficult when you’re just considered ‘average’ (*gasp* the horror…)?  Are you less likely to become successful at you job, or snag that man of your dreams?

Well… yes and no.  It’s all dependant on how you approach life.

As difficult as it can be at times, you can’t live your life comparing yourself to others.  There’s no magic formula for where you should be in life by a certain age, just a bunch of pressure you’ve put on yourself.  And there’s nothing saying that you have to have the same things in your life that your friends or family do.

And that’s the joy of life – it’s different for everyone.  And no matter how you look, you might have the same insecurities, hopes or dreams as that super hot guy beside you on the tube, or as that regular bloke sitting across the pub from you.  Or you might have different ones.

In the end, the most important thing in life is how we perceive ourselves and we really shouldn’t allow the media or other people’s perceptions of beauty to detract from our own self worth.  We should own our average-ness and not allow others to make us feel ‘less than’ because we don’t fit their mould.

Because when you get right down to it, you’re exactly who you’re supposed to be right at this moment.


Can’t help but look around and question whether or not you belong? Magazines, online publications, and nearly every TV show might show a gay couple cuddled up, but why do they all look like supermodels?

Source: The Trouble With Being Average Looking in the Gay Community – GayGuys.com

Is it a Hookup or a Date?

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Sometimes I honestly wish gay men came with instruction manuals.  Or at least a translator so you can truly understand what the hell they’re saying… and what they actually mean.

I’ve never been that lucky in love (don’t get me started…), and I always seem to have issues determining what a guy really wants from me.  Is he just after sex?  Does he want to get to know me more as a person?  Is this just a booty call, or is it a precursor to potentially something more?

And the most frustrating part is when you ask them point blank what they’re looking for and you still don’t know afterwards.

Now don’t get me wrong… I enjoy sex just like any other man out there, and have had the (*cough*) occasional hook-up but sometimes it truly is hard to figure out what a guy wants.

For instance, if you’re chatting with a guy online or on an app, and they keep saying how much they want to sleep with you or how hot they think you are, then you generally know if you’re meeting for a coffee that it’s probably just a precursor to having sex.  Or at least they’re trying to maintain a pretence of civility by meeting in person first.

But what about the guys that say they ‘want to get to know you better’ or they like you for ‘more than just sex’.  Does that mean they actually want to get to know you, maybe actually go on a date?  Or is that just ‘gay-speak’ for not wanting it to just be an anonymous shag?  So they can yell out the correct name during sex?

For some reason, it’s become more difficult of late to determine if someone just wants something casual or actually wants to go on dates.  Or they claim to want to just be friends, but then make the moves on you when out at the pub.

At what point do you draw the line?

It just seems in this day and age of casual hookups, open relationships and all these ‘dating’ apps, that most (single) gay men out there don’t seem willing to actually date any more, let alone be willing to commit to anything more.  They’d rather just ‘try before you buy’ – jump into bed with someone first, and then if the sex was any good they’ll decide if they want to find out more than just the other guy’s sexual preferences.

I’ve heard many guys proclaim that ‘love is dead’ or ‘romance doesn’t exist any more’, and that just makes me sad.  And I can’t help but wonder who the hell hurt them so bad that they’d give up on love.

As a society, we’ve become so damn non-committal about everything in our lives of late and not just about romantic relationships. It’s like we’re all afraid to commit to something just to find out later on it wasn’t worth it.

And sadly we’re all guilty of it too, just some more than others.

Who hasn’t tentatively agreed to plans with someone just to turn around and cancel or reschedule when something more interesting comes up?  Or cancelled that ‘date’ with the sort-of cute guy from the app when your crush calls up last minute wanting to ‘hang out’.

If only there was a way to cut through all the bullshit and just be honest with each other without any ulterior motives or worrying that we’ll hurt someone’s feelings.

Gawd forbid, huh?


Does that man you like want a hookup or a date? Learn 7 signs he’s looking for a hookup and not romance. Do you know these signs?

Source: 7 Obvious Signs He Wants to Hookup and Not Date

Paris Pt 2 – Breathing at the Basilica

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Continued from Part 1

When it was all said and done, I was unsurprisingly happy when my last day in Paris arrived.  Usually when I got to the end of a holiday, the last thing I’d want to do is to go home but this time I was counting down the hours.

In fact at one point earlier in the trip, I’d actually looked at changing my train ticket to an earlier one, but it was way too expensive.

Unfortunately for me, I’d been ‘smart’ about my bookings and ensured I had a late train back to London.  Which meant after I’d checked out of the hotel, I had the entire afternoon and early evening to kill.

How silly of me.  LOL

But unbeknownst to me, the worst part of that entire trip had yet to happen as I made my way to the train station to stow my luggage, and walked to the area of Montmartre.

I’d decided to use my last afternoon to spend the afternoon exploring the Basilica du Sacre-Coeur de Montmartre.  It’s a gorgeous church and has amazing views once you climb the hill at Montmartre.

And amazing it was.  The hill up to the church wasn’t too bad, and at least there were steps and benches you could stop for a breather as you make your way to the top.  Plus it was the first truly sunny day whilst I’d been in Paris, so there were loads of people out and sitting on the grassy hill enjoying the rare April sunshine.

It was all lovely and bright, and even a street-hawker’s attempt to get some money out of me didn’t change things.  The church inside was absolutely gorgeous and well worth the climb up the hill.

What wasn’t so great was my own stupid decision to climb the 300+ stairs to the top of the church for the stunning 360 degree views of the city.  I’d been warned by friends not to do this, but I figured why not since I was already in Paris and I may not get an opportunity to do this again.

For an overweight smoker, that was not a great idea. A really bad, almost dangerous idea.

To get to the top, you had to walk up an enclosed, narrow, winding staircase which had barely any windows and nowhere to stop to catch your breath.  I obviously didn’t run up the stairs and was trying to pace myself, but about half of the way up I started to have chest pains and difficulty breathing.

I expected to be winded after the stairs, but not that.

By the time I’d reached a brief outer walkway before the last of the stairs to the top, I literally couldn’t breath and sounded worse than the most extreme asthmatic.  And the pains in my chest had me scared shitless that I was going to have a heart attack while in Paris.  Alone.

The people behind me caught up to me about 15 minutes later, and they checked to see if I was ok and had water, as they could hear me all the way down the stairs.

After a rest, I eventually made my way up the final narrow stairway (I had to squeeze my fat ass through in a few spots) to the top of the basilica and stayed there for at least a good half hour totally ignoring the views while I tried to catch my breath.  At one point a kind older gentleman there with his adult daughter started to rub my back to help me with my breathing… not sure if it helped or if he was just trying to hit on me.  LOL

Once I taken my prerequisite pictures of the view (amazing.. but not worth that agony), I slowly made my way down the stairs (separate staircase) and spent the next hour on the hill near the church catching my breath.  And downing a couple bottles of water in the process.

And that pain in my chest?  It lingered with me for a couple of days after I’d returned to London making me wonder if I had done some sort of damage to my heart or lungs…and gave me a really good scare.

Which of course was also a catalyst for me to try to quit smoking again by going back to the vape (it’s been almost 3 months now), so at least one good thing came out of it.

Now if only I could get my fat ass to the gym. 😉

Paris Pt 1 – Love of Travel

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Like a lot of people out there, I absolutely love to travel and explore new places.  There’s no better feeling than wandering around a city you’ve never been to before to get a feel of the place, admire the different architecture, and get first-hand experience of a different culture.

And because I love nothing better than exploring a city by foot and find some hidden gems, I would always ensure I’ve found a place to stay that was fairly central without breaking my budget.  Or making me share a bathroom with strangers.  *Shudders*

But for some reason I completely ignored my own instincts when I went to Paris this past April.  And that probably attributed to why I didn’t enjoy this trip as much as I might have.

I’d never really considered Paris a ‘must see’ city on my bucket list, but more of a ‘one of these days’ sort of place.  Or at least I’d hope to be able to go with someone special once day.

Originally when I was looking to take some much needed time off in the Spring, I had planned on spending a few days splayed out on a Spanish nude beach.  But a co-worker had just come back from Paris with his wife (for Valentine’s Day no less), and he kept extolling how amazing the city was that I eventually decided to try something new instead of yet another trip to Spain (went to Spain 5 times last year alone…).  He kept raving about how amazing the city was, and how terrific the hotel they’d stayed at was, how easy it was to get around, and so forth.

So out of curiosity, I looked into it and surprisingly found a great Eurostar deal, and the hotel he’d suggested was probably one of the cheapest I’d found (especially when it included breakfast and wasn’t just a single bed).  So in the end I figured why the hell not.

Damn I wish I’d gone to the beach as originally planned…

The first mistake was that stupid hotel.  Sure, it was clean, the (very) basic breakfast was filling enough, the room fairly comfortable, and the neighbourhood was very quiet … all quite good things in the end.  But it basically just felt like any other plain, generic budget hotel chain you could find anywhere in the world, and that was the problem for me.  No Parisian feel to it.

Plus it was SOOOOOO far away from central Paris.  I ended up spending too much time and money on the stuffy Metro system.  And the directions my co-worker had given me took me on a longer and more complicated route to find the place upon arrival.

He clearly didn’t check a map when they went.

There wasn’t much nearby the hotel, and on the Sunday evening literally everything was closed in the area including the restaurants.  So I found myself trekking all over just to find a place open to have dinner and buy cigarettes.  And because I hadn’t planned on that, I didn’t have any transit tickets with me, so had to walk about 45 minutes to get back to the hotel.

Besides the issues with the hotel, I just didn’t find myself excited about being in Paris itself.

Now I’m not sure if it was my disappointment over the hotel, but I just couldn’t get myself excited to tour around Paris.  Sure, I did all the usual things – Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, Sacre-Coeur, the Louvre, and so forth – but none of it got me excited or thrilled that I was in Paris.

It also didn’t help things any that I was having issues with the battery on my mobile, as it kept dying on me mid-afternoon.  And this was with me not leaving the hotel until almost noon each day with a full charge.

So more than anything I kept feeling frustrated in Paris.  And as my legs were a bit sore, the last thing I’d wanted to do was to wander the streets like I normally would… so I ended up doing a hop-on hop-off bus tour around the city and only going to the major tourist points.

And for some reason, the last thing I’d felt like doing each night was trek back into central Paris to go out to one of the gay bars.  I’d stopped at one not too far from Notre Dame on my first afternoon there, and I just wasn’t impressed.  And this was a place friends of mine had recommended to me.

So moral of the story?  Do your own research into where to stay.  Go with your gut when picking a location.  And go where you truly want to go, not where everyone says you should.

Next – Part 2 of the trip, and the issues I had on my last day.

Making Plans

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Ok… pet-peeve time.

Am I the only one who gets frustrated with people who’ll agree to potential plans but won’t seem to narrow down a date or time?  Where it feels like there’s more back and forth about when to meet up than there should be?

Why is it so damn hard to pinpoint when and where to meet up with someone?  It isn’t rocket-science after all.

This isn’t a new frustration for me.  I may not be the most decisive person, but I definitely prefer to have a solid idea of what it going on instead of the general vagueness that most seem to live with.  I like to know where and when I need to be somewhere, instead of this floating around some seem to do.

The best example of this is when people say we should ‘hang out sometime’ but never really narrow down when they’d like this to happen.  And god forbid they actually make the effort to actually arrange something.

Maybe this is done as a ‘place-marker’ so they don’t have to actually commit to anything.  Or so they can see if a better offer comes along.  But to then turn around later on and complain that the other person didn’t plan anything, it’s a piss off because they had the opportunity and didn’t even try.

I suppose a lot of people out there (myself included probably) are just waiting on someone else to make the first move in arranging something.  This could be a laziness issue (me LOL), a fear of rejection (me again…), or their lives are already so busy that they don’t have the time to actually plan something (everyone else it seems…).

And speaking of those with the over-active diaries and social lives… They seem quick to say something about meeting up, but never seem to be able to say when they’re available when asked.  And then a month or two down the line, the same conversation starts all over again with the same results.

Or if they do make plans, they don’t seem to even narrow down when it’ll actually happen on the day.  For example, I was chatting to an online mate one Saturday morning about finally meeting up in person for a coffee, and to me the implication was it was going to be earlier rather than later as he said he had things to do later in the afternoon.

But instead they continued to be vague throughout the day about what’s going on and whether or not it was actually going to happen.  The messages back and forth never set down exactly when they wanted to meet up, and it was a lot of ‘I’ll let you know when..’ sort of things.

And to me, that’s the rudest thing you can do to a person.  How self-involved can one person be that they expect the other to just sit around waiting on them to decide they’re finally ready to meet up?  Do they think they’re that important that the world should wait on them?

I may not have had much planned for that day, but I definitely didn’t expect to spend my whole afternoon waiting on him to finally show up just past 4pm.  I had other options for the afternoon and could have done one of them instead.

Oh and if we agree to meet up, then please know WHERE we need to meet.  Don’t tell me it’s around such-and-such area only for me to travel across town to get there, and then an hour or so later you tell me it’s actually a different area that I could have gotten to easily.  And you’re already there waiting for me.

Or when I’m already en-route to where you’d agreed to meet but you suddenly change the location and it’s totally in the opposite direction.  Meaning I now have to spent time re-determining how to get there, and probably back-tracking on myself to get there.

And please, do expect a slap if you even THINK of complaining I’m late after all that shit.  LOL

Manners maketh the man, people…

 

Friendships are Weird

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I’ve always had trouble making friends, and sometimes I think it’s because some people are just weird.  Or at least how they treat their friendships can be.

We all have those friend where it’s hard to recall how the friendship started in the first place… or why it’s even continued to this day.

Or we’ve looked at a friend and wondered why the hell we’re even friends.  There isn’t much in common between us or many mutual friends, and sometimes there are things they do that just make them beyond annoying.

But I think that’s normal.  Or at least I hope it is, because I’m positive there must be some people out there that look at me the same way.  LOL

Now I know I can sometimes have a slightly skewed view on things, and friendships aren’t any different.  And any perceived weirdness may just be in my own head…

I sometimes feel like certain friendships aren’t equally balanced, where the one person’s needs are being met more than the other’s.  Examples of this could be where everyone always ends up doing what the more extroverted person wants, or they tend to steer most conversations towards what they want to talk about.

In fact, when they do monopolise the conversation with a more introverted person, it can become quite difficult for that shyer person to get their point or needs across, let alone met.  Which can become quite frustrating.

And sometimes these overly social people can easily miss the signs that their less-outgoing friends aren’t on the same page as them (or even in the same book).  They can get so focused on their own enjoyment of life that they might not notice that those around them may feel left out or left behind.

Or they’re so busy with their own lives that there’s no time or recognition that perhaps a dear friend may need someone to talk through some things or a shoulder to cry on.  Or even just hang out with without it being a party night or loads of people around.

Or perhaps they do realise the other person needs to talk through things but purposely ignores or pushes it aside so they don’t have to listen to another person’s negativity.

Then there are those in committed relationships who seem to only hang out with other couples, inadvertently excluding their single friends from any plans.  Or even if they do include them, they end up being the only single at the ‘party’.

And of course my biggest pet-peeve is those who’re so wrapped up in their active lives that they don’t realise they’re excluding those who may not be as busy.  I don’t think it’s done with any sort of malice, but there are those out there who’ll make out like they don’t plan anything… but yet they never have any time to hang out.

Or they’ll make you feel bad for feeling left out, making it seem like it’s your own fault because you aren’t making the plans or organising events for people to get together.  That it’s your own fault that people don’t include you.

Obviously every person can manage their lives their own way, and that’s fair enough.  To each their own.  Some just like being busy all the time.

But to me, if you’re so busy that you can’t make time for a supposedly good friend when they need you (and not have to ‘schedule’ it in ahead of time…), then how can you possibly expect them to do the same?

Friendships are weird and wonderful things… but they need to go both ways sometimes.

Just a Face in the Crowd

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Sometimes it’s hard to feel like I stand out in life.  That there’s something about me that makes me unique from everyone else.

And I don’t think this is the same as having a purpose in life.  This is more about feeling like there’s something special about myself that others may find interesting and make them want to get to know me better.

Or perhaps I just feel like I’m a boring person.  That I don’t really have much to talk about when trying to have a conversation with people.

Or maybe I’m just crap at talking about myself.

And as silly as it may seem to some, I actually feel slightly horrified when someone DOES try to engage me in small talk about me and my life.  For whatever reason, I’ll freeze up and act like there’s nothing of interest to talk about.  I’ll literally downplay anything exciting that’s been going on recently.

Curiously when I look back, this has actually been an ongoing thing most of my life.  It’s like if I actually boast about something good that’s been going on, then maybe that other person may figure out that there’s really not much interesting about me.  Or that maybe I really don’t deserve the accolades being given, rightfully earned or not.

Maybe I’m just afraid of being the centre of attention.

Is it a self-confidence issue?  Definitely.

I’m not sure why, but I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough or didn’t fit a certain expectation of who I should be as an adult.  As if there was some standard I never felt I could live up to, so ended up spending most of my life feeling less than everyone else around me.

Or perhaps in my youth, it was instilled in me that doing well and showing off how well you did was a bad thing.  That it made me boastful or egotistic in some way to celebrate any accomplishments I might have made.

An example of this was about 9 years ago when I travelled to Copenhagen with my LBGT softball group to compete in the World OutGames.  Because there weren’t enough teams for a proper men’s tournament, the organisers allowed us to compete in another sport of our choosing for no additional fee.

As I’d been bowling since I was 9 years old, I decided it be a laugh to sign up for the bowling tournament.  There were a few other guys doing the same, so I’d still know a few people and wouldn’t feel too out of place around strangers.

Now the big shock was how I somehow found my groove and kicked some serious ass.  And I ended up winning a Gold in the singles competition and a Silver in the doubles.  This was especially shocking as I’d never really won much as a kid/teen in bowling competitions, and was an average bowler at best as an adult.

But afterwards I got all shy and almost embarrassed that I’d done so well in the tournament!

I even tried to hide my medals behind each other as we marched in the Pride parade with the rest of the athletes at the end of the week.  Like most things in my life, I downplayed my accomplishment and even tried to give excuses why I won.

Stupid huh?

I seem to do it in most aspects of my life.  Hell, I even do it with this blog that I’ve been writing for almost 10 years now.  I’ll get all shy when someone shows the least bit of interest in my writing or asks to read any of it, when I should be truly proud of what I’ve created here over the past decade.

Odds are other people probably feel like I stand out more than I think I do and that I am special in some way.  And hopefully one day I can allow myself to feel that about myself too.

I Get Attached Too Easily

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I don’t know why it is, but whenever I meet someone new romantically (for lack of a better word…), I somehow end up getting super attached a lot quicker than I’d like.

It’s something that has occurred for me many times over the years, and despite me actively trying NOT to do this, it still happens without warning.  I can’t seem to help myself.

It’s usually the same old story – meet some cute guy, there’s an instant mutual physical attraction, and we get along like gang-busters.  We’ll end up chatting and texting very regularly, with the conversations becoming quite intimate while also getting to know each other.

And yeah, sure.. there’s some great sex.  That should be a given.  😉

Once I like a guy, I’m basically done and have no interest in continuing to look around for someone else.  I’m always open to seeing if this could potentially be something more than just a casual thing or friendship.

And perhaps it’s that openness to see where things go is what scares them off and causes them to put the brakes on whatever has been going on between us.  It’s not like I’m immediately suggesting we get married, but what’s wrong with showing interest in being more than friends-with-benefits?

What I do find interesting (and slightly disturbing) is how I seem to not have any say in where things go between us.  How the whole decision whether we should date or not is solely in their hands.  How by being so open and honest about what I’d like I’ve somehow given them all the power in whatever ‘relationship’ we’re in.

Messed up, huh?

What can I say.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, even when I’m trying not to.  Even when I’m trying to be cold and distant as a way to play the ‘game’, I still end up being the emotional one.  The one who gets their feelings hurt.

It’s just who I am.

And should I really have to change who I am as a person to get a boyfriend or relationship?

I should hope not… if someone likes me, then they should like me for me, not for their idealised version of my personality.

Because isn’t that the whole point of dating and finding a partner in life?  To find someone who accepts you for who you truly are, and not try to change you into someone you’re not?

I really hope so… and I really hope that guy shows up soon, before I go all ‘Fatal Attraction’, bunny-boiler on some poor unsuspecting guy.

Kidding… I think.  😉

 

Having a Purpose in Life

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For some people, finding their life’s passion is as easy as breathing.  There’s just something they’re so good at that there’s no question about them doing anything but that thing.  They were clearly born to do that specific thing, whatever it is.

And then for a wide range of people, it’s not as simple but with some hard work and deep soul searching, they eventually get there.  Some may find it early in life, and others later in life.

And then there’s the rest of the people out there who tend to feel lost throughout their lives.  They either continue to struggle to find their niche, or perhaps just don’t have one.  As far as they can tell that is.

I’ve always felt I fit that last group.

Growing up, I was labelled the ‘smart’ kid early on as I tended to get good grades and rarely got in trouble.  I’ve always been good with numbers and alright at a couple of other subjects, but it was more like a ‘jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none’ sort of situation.

But yet, there still didn’t seem to be anything that truly made me special or stand out from the rest of my classmates.  And as I got older, my ‘good grades’ became average as others started to find their footing and I seemingly stagnated.

One thing I’d always had an interest in was the arts, specifically music and theatre.  We all dreamed of being famous as kids, right?  I was no different.

As we needed an ‘Arts’ credit at our school, my parents begrudgingly let me take a music class.  I really enjoyed it and got a decent enough grade, so I ended up finding a way to take music class each year and joined the school’s concert band.  My parents weren’t thrilled by this, and wouldn’t even let me practice in the house when they were home.

I’d also fancied a turn on the stage, despite my total shyness, so I got involved in the yearly school plays.  My parents wouldn’t let me take the offered drama class, claiming it was a frivolous class.  But somehow I did end up snagging myself a small role in three out of the four productions I’d auditioned for.

Once again, just like the music, this was just something I was ‘ok’ at but I at least enjoyed it.

As we were getting ready for a production of ‘Count Dracula’ one year, there was a conversation I had with the play’s director (the drama teacher) that has always stuck with me.  I was playing one of the asylum attendants who got to carry Renfrew’s bloodied corpse off stage for all to see.  Not a big part, but I at least got a few lines.

I think we were chatting about how much I enjoyed being part of the plays each year, and he said something to the affect of ‘You’ll be lucky to just be a bit, supporting player.  I don’t ever see you being a lead in a show,’ referencing any possibly future I might have in theatre.

For an insecure, overweight teen who was struggling to find himself, that hurt.  This was someone I looked up to and, as my teacher, he probably should have been more encouraging or at least a bit more tactful.  Even if being an actor was more of a pipe dream than anything.

The main reason that comment stuck with me was due to how it made me feel, and it subconsciously became an influencer over other aspects of my life.

It basically was a blow to an already fragile self-confidence. For a kid who didn’t feel like they fit in, never felt good enough, or masculine enough (hadn’t even started coming out at this point…), this was yet another person seemingly telling him they’d never be anything more than mediocre at best.

Yeah… ok.  So even as a teen I would over-think things.  Sue me.  LOL

Now, almost 30 years later, I still sometimes feel like that insecure, introverted, uncertain chubby kid who doesn’t feel like they fit in.  And I’m still trying to find my niche in the world, something that gets me excited to get out of bed every day.

Something that’s going to light a fire in my belly and let me show my passion to the world.

Maybe one of these days…