Dating Tips for the Gay Singleton

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Whether you’re newly single or have been single for what feels like an eternity, getting back into the dating scene can seem intimidating.  Some seem to think that the second you become single that you should be immediately jumping on the apps or hitting the bars looking for your next relationship.

However there’s no set rule as to how long you should stay single before jumping back into it all.  Or even what you should do to get back out there.  Sometimes taking that time to be single and enjoy your own life can be beneficial, and your body/mind/soul will tell you when it’s time to get back in the game.

Now, I’m no expert on the dating scene – if I was, I probably wouldn’t be single myself LOL – but here are a few tips on how to put yourself out there and maybe actually enjoy it.

Don’t stress about it

characters-couple-happy-love-single-Favim.com-57296All too often when guys try to get back out there after a period of singledom, they tend to put too much pressure on themselves to ‘get it right this time’, so to speak.

Let’s be honest – dating can be awkward, uncomfortable or downright silly at times, and there’s no point adding pressure on yourself to ‘do well’ right out of the box.

If anything, you should be allowing yourself to just have some fun, see where things lead you, and not worry if it could end with a marriage proposal let alone a second date.

The more you stress over it, the more uncomfortable you’ll feel about the date and the more reluctant you’ll be to even bother trying.

Get out there and mingle

It’s never easy getting back out there on the scene, and one of the difficult things is figuring out where to meet new, interesting, compatible people who you might be interested in romantically.  And asking your mates if there’s someone to set you up with isn’t an option, as it could make them uncomfortable.

Instead, get yourself out there and mingle with people you wouldn’t normally meet on a regular Friday night at the local pub.  Perhaps joining a social group with a similar interest could open up a whole new world of people that you could relate to. And if you don’t meet anyone romantically, it’ll at least give you an opportunity to meet someone for a new friendship.

Speaking of new friends…

All too often, guys will go looking for a new romantic partner without allowing themselves to be open to a new friendships.  Not every new guy you’ll meet will be compatible romantically, so why would you limit your ‘search’ to just new romantic partners?

The best ideas for gay datesWhen going out on the scene again after a break, it’s inevitable that you’ll meet some amazingly interesting guys but there won’t be any romantic spark.  Or perhaps there’ll be guys you’ll meet you’ll initially be interested in but it doesn’t turn out.

No point just dropping them on the wayside, as you never know when you’ll meet that great new best friend.

And perhaps that might be the best approach to take, just looking for a new friend or two, and see where things lead.

Go out and have fun!!

Way too often, guys will plan dates as a way to make a good first impression on the other, and will make choices about the date with only that other person in mind.  Or they’ll act a certain way because they believe the other guy will like them more for that ‘first date persona’ than the real them.

Don’t allow the date to be more about one or the other person’s interests, but instead organise it around something you both enjoy.  Talk to each other during the planning stages to figure out some common interests and go from there.. even if it’s just going for a pint at a pub.

Learn from the rejections

Let’s be fair, not every date you’ll go on will be a home run.  And sometimes it’ll be bad, really bad, ending in you being rejected by the other guy.  And that is ok.  Rejection is part of life, especially when you’re out there trying to date, so why let it get you down?

Instead try to learn from it.  Accept the rejection for what it is – incompatibility – and a way to learn more about what you do want in a new partner.  The more you think on it, the less likely you’ll be to move forward and meet someone truly interesting.

This post has been inspired by — 5 Gay Dating Tips For Men Who’ve Been Long Term Single – Gay Pop Buzz

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Dating and the Fat Man

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The other day I was surfing around a site sent to me by my fellow blogger Ivan (ivansblogworld.wordpress.com), and the below article title caught my eye.

7 Struggles of Dating When You’re a Fat Gay Man – Gay Pop Buzz

YES!!  I’m not the only one who finds it a struggle!  Maybe this would be the article that would truly get me.

Quick recap – I’m a 43 year old fat gay man who’s never been in an actual relationship.  I’ve only ever dated guys casually for a bit before they would claim I was getting ‘too attached’ and only wanted something casual.. which usually ended with them having a new boyfriend within about 6 months.

So.. I opened this article hoping to gain some mutual insight into what I’ve gone through in my dating life.  That it was going to be validation for all the years I’ve felt marginalised for whatever reason.  And as I read the first couple of lines I thought I’d found a kindred spirit as there were a lot of similarities.

fat-manBoy… could I have been even more WRONG!!!

The more I read, the more I realised this wasn’t me or my experiences.  Instead, this was someone who’s allowed himself to become so dismissive of himself, his weight, and the gay community that he’s allowed his negativity to feed into his own fat-shaming.

It was to the point where he was obsessive about it.  And he was absolutely adamant that this was the truth for all chubby gay men out there.

Well, No.  His experiences sure as hell haven’t been mine.

So based on his article, I’d like to give my experiences over the years and how I’m feeling.  These aren’t facts or anything other than my observations, and I would never allude that anyone else should feel exactly the same.

Smaller Target Audience

I learned after a few years (and a bit of heartbreak) that there really is a smaller target for bigger guys like me, regardless of what type of guys I found physically attractive… and it sure as hell wasn’t other bigger guys like me (lesbian bears, as I like to call them haha).

At first I thought, because of my own fat-shaming, that I’d have to settle for whomever was willing to have sex with me.  That I was truly ugly and unattractive, so I’d have no real choice in the matter.  But then I found the bear community and the chasers… and I was meeting some pretty gorgeous guys.  And who’d complain about that?  😉

Loneliness is best served cold.. with gravy

Like probably a lot of people out there who have weight issues, I tended to turn to food as compensation when I was feeling down or bad about something.  It was an instant gratification while trying to justify my bad food choices.

Who munches on celery sticks when they’re feeling down?  LOL

Fat_ManBut this is something I’ve recently started working on, mostly because I was starting to feel like my weight had gotten out of control (partly due to quitting smoking I think).  I’m taking it day by day to ensure I’m making good food choices and pairing it was regular exercise (walking part way to/from work).

It’s only been about 2 weeks, but I’m feeling good about it and need to keep it going.

I’m one hell of a hermit

I don’t think I’ve used my weight as an excuse not to go out and be social.  Instead I’ve allowed my laziness to justify why I’ll spend a weekend at home having a Netflix marathon alone.

I think my hermit-ism is more due to my own feelings of being left out by people, and not taking the issue in hand to do something about it (see previous post).  I know there are places I can go and potentially run into someone I know (KA in Soho for instance), but I’ll let my laziness to justify why it’s a waste of time spending an hour travelling into town on the ‘chance’ of meeting someone I knew.  Or someone new.

And that’s not good.

I do alright, sexually.. sometimes

I know I sometimes moan about how I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like to, or even as much as I used to a few years ago.  But at no point have I ever said it’s because I’m fat.  Sure that may limit my possibilities, but it shouldn’t ever stop me.

And no, unlike the original article’s author, I have never paid for sex.  Fuck no.

Instead I know my lack-luster love life is down to my own laziness and not putting myself out there as much as I used to.  If I’m sitting at home all the time, how am I going to meet someone one new and exciting?  Sure, there are the dating apps, but mostly I’m only going to get the same group of guys within my immediate area.

naked-men-in-bedA compliment is a compliment

I’ve never been that great at accepting compliments from guys, mostly due to my own low self-esteem.  Usually I’d just assume they were saying these things just so they could have sex with me (and some of them might have been..).

But I think I’ve done well to get past that somewhat and accept a compliment for what it is.  And if the other person isn’t being sincere, then that’s on them.  I’m not going to spend my precious time over-thinking everything a guy says to me just to figure out if it’s real or not.

We’re homophobic towards each other

I’ve been living out and proud for over 20 years now, and it still never astounds me how much as a community we put ourselves down by ostracising our own sub-sects or stereotypes.

no fatWho hasn’t been to a Gay Pride and watched as all the muscular pretty boys in their little hot-pants get all the cheers and catcalls, while anyone who doesn’t fit that ‘society-approved norm’ basically gets ignored.

However I won’t allow that to affect how I feel about myself.  I go to Pride most years and have a laugh, usually ending up at the bear bar drinking in the streets with everyone else.  And I just get on with my life without allowing other people’s perceptions of who they think I am stop me from having fun.

Never assume to know someone

True, I look like the stereotypical little bear, but that doesn’t mean you know who I am based on someone you’ve known in the past who has a similar look.  Or that because I’m above a certain age with a bit of grey in my beard that I must be a ‘daddy’.  Or that because I’ve attended several naturist parties that I’d be interested in going to an orgy.

It’s all bullshit.  Not one aspect of my life wholly defines me as a person.

BUT…. if I’m being truly honest, I’ve been just as guilty of it as anyone else.  I would see some pretty, young ‘twink’ and immediately think they must be a self-absorbed, fashion-obsessed, obnoxious airhead.  Or that some beefy, muscled out gym-bunny must be dumb as a bag of hammers.  And so forth.

Sadly, this is something we all have to struggle with on a daily basis.  We’ve grown up buying into the stereotypes just as much as we’ve been fighting to get past them, and sometimes still treat people of similar backgrounds as gay clones.


So… what now?

Well, not much really.

It’s not like I wrote this to work through some issue or to justify my actions.  It was more of an exercise to prove that not everyone’s experiences are the same, no matter how many factors you may have in common.

CarrotHowever I do think it’s helped show me that, although my dating life is pretty stagnant at the moment, it truly hasn’t been all that horrible.  That despite never having that relationship I’ve always wanted, I still have met some amazing guys – and yes, some assholes too – that have made the journey so far worth it.

Yeah, shocking as it is, I’m actually feeling somewhat positive about my dating past and the potential for the future.  And that it’s just a matter of getting my lazy ass out there again. LOL

Source: 7 Struggles of Dating When You’re a Fat Gay Man – Gay Pop Buzz

Stopping Self-Sabotage

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We all have things in life we’d like to achieve, be them certain dreams or goals, but never reach them.  Or perhaps started multiple projects but never finished them.  External factors withstanding, it may be the only thing that is standing between you and your success or progression in life is YOU.

Sometimes, despite the best intentions or even being the utmost capable, you could be sabotaging your own success.  And this could be from a variety of things – negative self-belief, unhealthy behaviours, fear of failure (or success), or any combination thereof.

This lack of confidence in yourself means you are your own worse enemy in your life, and maybe it’s time to tame that vicious beast once and for all.

Discover the ‘why’

Surprising as it may sound, some people actually self-sabotage out of habit or to keep themselves within a certain ‘comfort zone’.  It’s not necessarily intentional, not do they even really realise they’re doing it, but it can become somewhat routine.

One of the hardest things to determine is why you’re doing it and identify the areas it’s affecting.  You have to really dig deal inside to identify the basis for feeling unworthy or for shooting down your own success before you’ve even tried.  It could just something as simple as your own inner negativity attacking yourself due to a fear of rejection, ridicule or any number of self-limiting beliefs that could be holding you back from achieving your goals.

When in doubt, write it out

Journal_writing_coffee_journal_millsOne of the many benefits of keeping a journal, be it online in the form of a blog or even an old-school physical notebook, is that it allows you to fully explore things you’re feeling or situations you find yourself in, and you can take your time to extrapolate how you think or feel about them.

Basically, think of it as free therapy.

When it comes to this sort of journaling, it’s more about allowing yourself the space to write freely and express yourself openly without concern of judgement or over analysis.  You may want to keep all this person and for yourself (as opposed to publishing online for the world to read.. ), but this a decision only you can make.

And it’s not about being creative or writing to an audience.  This is truly and only about you and how you’re feeling or thinking.  It’s all about the expressing of your thoughts.  It could just a couple lines, or a couple pages.  Or it even could just be a doodle.

It’s your journal so you make the rules after all.

Don’t talk yourself out of it

Whether you realise it or not, you talk to yourself every day.  We all tend to have an ongoing inner monologue going on as the day progresses.  It could be about your behaviour, something you’ve overheard, thoughts about what to have for dinner, criticism of your own performance, or any number of things we all think about daily.

Self attackUnfortunately, this inner chatter can frequently turn negative, which in turn can demolish your self-worth and self-esteem.  And sometimes you don’t even realise it’s happening until it’s too late, and you’re already reinforcing any negative limitations you’ve placed on what you’re capable of in life.

It could arise in the form of guilt over some past experience, anxiety over something still to come, or hopelessness at our current situation.  Basically you have to be more aware of how often you talk down to yourself in your head, and actively adjust to thinking differently to build a more positive attitude about yourself.

No more apples and oranges

be diferentWho doesn’t compare their lives to those around them, and then start feeling inadequate or lazy because we haven’t achieved the same levels as someone else.  By doing this, you’re saying to yourself that the other person is ‘worth more’ than you, that they’re better than you.  And it’s utterly unrealistic.

This constant comparison is demotivating and will only lead you to feeling worse about yourself.  You’re lessening your own self-worth along with your own beauty or potential for greatness.  You need to remember that everyone is different, and that is what makes your life so unique – nobody else in the entire world has lived it!

So instead of imitating someone else’s success or behaviours, be true to yourself.  Realise your own authentic self and be proud of what you’ve achieved, or where you’re headed in life.

Be your own best friend.

You’ve all heard this before – you need to stop giving everyone else around us all of your life, time and attention, and start focusing on yourself.  You need to start allowing yourself time to be self-nurturing and truly enjoy your own company.  Spend quality time doing what YOU enjoy, and stop trying to please everyone else around you.

a789bff55ac029875a2b8c3a39e681d2Self-sabotage causes us to overlook other people’s issue or mistakes, and then tear yourself down for doing the exact same thing.  Is this right or fair?  Of course not because it just reinforces those negative limitations you’ve placed on yourself.

Instead, take the time for self-discovery.  Enjoy the journey to exploring yourself and your true potential.  Remind yourself regularly (if not daily) that you are an amazing person and you deserve to be the best ‘you’ you can be.

This article has been influenced by — http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/stop-sabotaging-yourself-5-easy-steps.html

Stepping Up to Mental Wellbeing

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Everyone deals with stress, anxiety or depression in different ways, and there’s no true set rule on how to deal with any of them.  We’ve all read countless online self-help articles touting themselves as being the ultimate list of how to do this or that.. when in reality, most are just rehashes of the same things over and over again.

One thing does ring true though regardless of which articles you read – If you don’t at least give them a shot, then you’ll never know if they truly make you feel more positive about your life, or even help move you down the road to your own happiness.

Side note – Happiness isn’t necessarily a destination, but more of a state of being.  And everyone’s ideal of happiness is different, so find your own happiness. 🙂

What is mental wellbeing?

Per the below NHS site, mental wellbeing is defined as such:

“Feeling happy is a part of mental wellbeing. But it’s far from the whole. Feelings of contentment, enjoyment, confidence and engagement with the world are all a part of mental wellbeing. Self-esteem and self-confidence are too.

“So is a feeling that you can do the things you want to do. And so are good relationships, which bring joy to you and those around you.

“Of course, good mental wellbeing does not mean that you never experience feelings or situations that you find difficult. But it does mean that you feel you have the resilience to cope when times are tougher than usual.”

Sarah Stewart-Brown, Professor of Public Health at the University of Warwick

Like anything in life, the more you put into something like your own well being, the more you’re likely to get out of it.  And if you’re waiting on someone else to ‘give’ you happiness, you’ll be waiting for your entire life.

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Steps to Mental Wellbeing

Below are a few suggestions we could all take to boost how we’re doing.  As previously mentioned, this isn’t an exhaustive list and some may work better for some people than others.

Connect with others

All too often when we’re feeling down or a bit blue, we’ll find ourselves pulling away from our loved ones.  Instead reach out to the people around you, be them family, friends, colleagues or neighbours.  Just be willing to make that step to open up the lines of communication.

Be active

This isn’t necessarily about going to the gym or starting some massive work out regime.  It’s more about just finding an activity that you enjoy and incorporate into you daily life – take a walk, go for a bike ride, go for a swim, and so forth.

Keep learning

Sometimes all you might need is to boost your own wellbeing is to engage your mind in something constructive.  It could be learning a new skill, taking a hobby class , getting that certification you’ve been dreaming about.  Or maybe just read that book gathering dust on your bedside table.

Volunteering your time

Being a volunteer in any capacity can not only help you feel like you’re contributing more to your community, but it’s a goldmine for networking.  But you don’t even have to go so far as to actually volunteer – sometimes the smallest thing, like smiling at a stranger or giving a kind word to something, can make the world a difference.

Be in the present

This could be called ‘mindfulness’, but it’s mostly about being aware of what is going around you at any given moment.  This can include the world around you, local/national/international politics, your thoughts or feelings, and most importantly, your own body.  However, don’t allow yourself to get so immersed in this that you block out other parts of life, as that’ll have an averse affect.

This post has been influenced by — Five steps to mental wellbeing – Stress, anxiety and depression – NHS choices

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80 Days and Counting

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November 22nd, 2016.

That’s a day I’ll keep in mind for awhile.  For most people, it’s just a day like any other.  It’s not a holiday or someone’s birthday or anniversary.  It’s just another day really.

Only it’s not for me – It’s the day I quit smoking.

Well, sort of.

Some might say that I’ve just swapped once vice for a new one, as I’m now using a Vape e-cigarette instead of actually smoking.  But to me, it’s just a stepping stone to actually becoming smoke-free in the future after about 25 years of it.  I hope.

It hasn’t been a walk in the park, to say the least.  I really loved the act of smoking (though not necessarily the smell of them).  That first drag off of a badly needed cigarette was absolutely bliss, almost orgasmic.  And the cravings for the act of smoking itself has been almost frenzied at times.

But I’m getting there, one day at a time.

For some reason, after the weekend previous to the above date, something in me snapped.  Just the thought of having a cigarette made me cringe with disgust.  For the first time in my life.

smoking12This change was two-fold as far as I could tell.

Firstly, like most people, it easily had to do with money.  Since April, I’d mostly been smoking duty-free cigarettes I’d purchased from abroad or friends had picked them up for me on their travels.

Basically, the thought of going back to paying UK prices for cigarettes made me cringe.  And with recent/new regulations, it meant things were just going to get more expensive.

But mostly I think it had to do with a (naked) house party I’d attended that weekend.

At one point during the party, I was chatting with a few guys near the garden door as I faffed with the host’s bathrobe (garden was overlooked, and it was easier than finding my clothes upstairs).  And perhaps it was just my imagination, but there seemed to be a sense of pity from them about the lengths I was going to have a cigarette.

I suddenly felt desperate and slightly pathetic about it all.  And I suddenly wondered why the hell I was still doing this to myself after two and a half decades… and just thinking about that length of time really pulled me up short.  It was quite jarring to suddenly realise I had been smoking for more than half my life.

Fucking hell…

So that Monday morning, I only had 1 cigarette left in my pack which I smoked on my way to work.  And I had absolutely no desire to buy another .. though I did bum a couple smokes off of a colleague that day to get me through.

Instead I’d decided I’d give vaping a try for a bit, and went to the local vape shop near my flat to see what options there were.  I’d heard of many people who’d turned to vaping and seemed to be doing quite well.  The model I’d decided on was out of stock, so had to come back the next evening.

So I bought my last 10 pack of cigarettes on my way home, purposely choosing a brand I didn’t normally smoke or enjoy.

vape-penAnd so far, after just over 80 days of not smoking, I’m still going strong and have only had 2 cigarettes since – one Christmas Eve, and one on a night out with colleagues when we were quite drunk.

And interestingly, neither cigarette made me want to buy a pack or start smoking again.  That alone is a good sign.

But there has been a down side as well… I’ve been gaining weight like crazy since quitting. And as a bigger guy already, it was something I didn’t need.

I had hoped by switching to the vape that the weight gain could have been prevented, and that perhaps I would start getting a bit more active.  But unfortunately, the on-and-off-again foot/ankle/knee issues I’ve been having since coming back from Canada in October haven’t helped at all.

In fact, it’s made me quite lazy.

So now here I am, more than 80 days later, and I’m having to work on my health issues alongside my pseudo non-smoking habits (I don’t really use the vape that much some days).  I don’t necessarily eat that badly most days, but it’s more about the quantities and the lack of exercise.

And I definitely had a shock upon weighing myself last week… I’ve topped out at almost 21 stone (that’s around 300 lbs or 130 kg… fuck 😦 ).

So… now I’ve started to watch my caloric intake and make myself walk a bit every day, even part way to work/home a few times a week.  And I’ve signed up for the free ‘gym & swim’ card at my local council’s leisure centre that will allow me to use the facilities in the afternoons on the weekends and any time on Fridays.

Hopefully with these little changes, things can improve somewhat.  I’m sure a part of my recent lack of feeling social has a lot to do with this, and each have impacted the other.

Oh and hopefully I can lose a few pounds before my next holiday in Gran Canaria.. I’m fairly comfortable in just my skin and all, but not when I’m feeling like a beached-whale. 😉

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Close up of bare chested man holding scissors and squeezing stomach

 

Turning Your Life Around

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No matter what your age, there is always something you’d love to change or improve upon.  It could something to do with your career or your personal life, or even just something like quitting smoking or loosing a bit of weight.

Regardless of what it is you’d like to change, and regardless if it’s a massive or small change, it can be daunting to set up and get started.  This could be because we all get bogged down in the little details, and allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by what we’d need to do to get started.

Below is a timeless short list worth working on regardless of the goal in mind.

Stay in the Present

Let’s be realistic – the future is a wild and unimaginable entity that nobody can truly predict how things will turn out.  You’d have to be a truly gifted psychic to predict every single little bump and pitfall that’ll occur in your life in order to be 100% prepared for what life throws at us.

Instead of spending all your free time fretting over what may happen and trying to over-plan every step along the way, why not live in the present and enjoy life as it happens right now.  Stop worrying that you don’t have a 5-year plan and allow yourself to enjoy deal with the successes and pitfalls of everyday life.

The little successes you have now can potentially have a massive impact on your future, and ultimately lead your life in a totally different direction than you’d have predicted.

Enjoy Your Trip

life-is-a-journey-1We’ve all been there – focusing so much on the end goal that we’ve forgotten to enjoy the journey along the way.  As healthy as it is to have a goal in mind, it’s how we get there that truly makes that goal all the more worth it because of what we’ve gone through to get there.

Perhaps it’s a matter of hitting certain milestones along the way that make it worth it, or the physical or psychological changes we see in ourselves over time.  Whatever it is, enjoy the little things in life along the way.. and remember to take pictures.  😉

Everyone Takes the Easy Route

For something in your life to truly make a lasting impact, don’t allow yourself to take the easy route as that is basically allowing yourself a cop-out.  If you spend your entire life just reaching for the easiest and simplest goals, then your journey won’t necessarily take you very far.  Taking the easy options is being lazy.

Instead, try something new and difficult.  Reach for something you never in a million years thought you’d ever try or achieve.  Master a new skill.  Move countries.  Start a business.  Write a book.  Obviously, start off small, but the more you get used to achieving a slightly harder goal, the easier it’ll be to go for that big goal in the long run.

Plus, those harder goals?  They make the journey of life move along at a much more interesting rate than taking the easy route.  And more exciting too.

Trust Your Instincts

failure-quoteDon’t allow yourself to be bogged down in the uncertainties of life.  If you do, then you’ll never achieve those slightly harder goals from above.. or even try to begin with.

Let’s be frank – life is a risk worth taking, and if you’re allowing yourself to be held back from the unknown of what will happen next, then you’ll never truly live or know what could be possible.  And that potentially could be worse than if you’d taken the risk and tried in the first place.

Because if you’d at least tried and still failed, you’ve already achieved something because when you try again you’ll be even more ready for anything that comes up. So go for it already.

Nurture Positive Relationships

We’ve all heard it before, about how we need to cut out the negative people in our lives in order to lead a more positive and success life, be it personally or professionally.  But yet we all still allow those negative influences into our lives without meaning to because we still haven’t learned how to spot the rotten apples.

An entire post could be made up on this topic alone, but in the end it’s all about recognising those who’ll be nurturing and encouraging for your life goals along the way.  You want to surround yourself with people who’ll be willing to put the heart back into your life instead of sucking it out.  People who’ll go out of their way to help you because they want to, not because they expect something in return.

For now though, here’s a good read on how to meet the right people.

In the end, it’s your life and your journey.  It’s not a race or a competition.  So why not enjoy it to the absolute max while you’re on it, and share it with those who truly deserve to be along for the journey.

This article was inspired by: 5 Timeless Ways to Turn Your Life Around at Any Age

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How to Remind Yourself You’re Worthy of Love. – GayGuys.com

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You are made of LOVE

Re-post Source: How to Remind Yourself You’re Worthy of Love. – GayGuys.com

I used to think I was only worth what society told me I was. When I felt judged I instantly made it personal, dissecting the reasons why and ultimately burying myself in a cave of self-pity. But then something happened.

I realized the world read my value by observing my self-worth. When I felt worthless, the world took it at face value—that’s what they saw and it’s how they associated me. As humans we take a lot of our value from what people think of us, so as a result of their association, we assume their opinion is the truth when in actuality it began with us all along.

Raise our self-worth -> Raise our value.

Sometimes we have to do the work ourselves. We need to define who we are and know how valuable we truly are without needing to look at society. From then on, everything falls into place. It’s a never-ending circle that starts and ends with our own views of ourselves. Here’s how we can start raising our worth:

Remind yourself what it is they (the world) are dealing with. You’re not just anyone. You’re YOU. Stop comparing yourself to other people who might look different, sound different, feel different; the fact that you are original and unique is always going to work in your favor. You aren’t an every day run-of-the-mill kind of guy—you’re special. You got IT.

Give yourself something to accomplish so you’ll feel accomplished once it’s complete. In other words make projects, think of ideas, predict the future for yourself, come up with goals and actually try to achieve them. The simple act of working towards something makes you feel fulfilled, ultimately turning insecurity into pride.

Recognize your good qualities because the second you do, you’ll understand how it’s inspired others all this time. You’ll see that it’s your heart, your soul, and your spirit that make people love you rather than artificial things. Your goodness is your worth. Your goodness defines how valuable you are, and once you see how much you already have inside, (there’s a lot, trust me) resonate in it.

love-yourself-firstWake up happy. Before you have another self-deprecating thought, you need to fuel your heart with love. Wake up and be glad that you did. This is your room, this is your bed, this is your life; celebrate it with a smile. Place your mind in front of you rather than behind you, keep it floating on your own assessments instead of letting it sink.

Love yourself the way you love others. Too often we place so much adoration on our loved ones, yet we fail to treat ourselves the same way. We feel it’s selfish to love ourselves equal to loving the world, but trust me when I say if we don’t love ourselves we will never collect enough of it to share.

You deserve to be fulfilled. Yes, YOU deserve to be happy, to have love, to be joyous. You worked your ass off to get where you are today—you might be bruised and you might be shaken, but scars heel. Never think you’re unworthy of good things because you feel guilt or shame to have them. You deserve to be happy because you are here. You’re breathing, you’re living, you’re giving to the world, and you deserve goodness—never give it back.

 

Happy (Belated) Pride

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Happy belated Pride to everyone, both near and far.

I know this is late for most people, as like in London, Pride celebrations would have taken place last weekend or possibly this weekend depending on where in the world you’re living.

For myself, Pride can sometimes be a bitter-sweet time as it usually falls around or on my birthday, but luckily this time London Pride fell on the weekend before my ‘big’ day.

I had a lovely day celebrating Pride with some friends, watching the parade (from what I could see past the taller people standing in front of me lol) and then drinking the afternoon/evening away at the usual bear bar in Soho.

But this year Pride has a special meaning for me…

That’s right… my own little blog-space has once again been listed as one of the Top 10 UK LGBT Blogs!!!

This listing comes via a marketing and communications provider called Vuelio.  Along with their corporate work, they also maintain Top 10 Blog Lists that change weekly.

Vuelio is Europe’s leading provider of software for communications, public affairs and stakeholder engagement.  Vuelio offers an unrivalled portfolio of products and services to serve the modern public relations and public affairs professional throughout the UK and Europe.

Here’s the full list:

  1. Fagburn
  2. Pink Wedding Days
  3. The Guyliner (I actually follow this blog!!)
  4. Sarah + Laura
  5. Pink Therapy Blog
  6. Indefinite Adventure
  7. Ramblings of a Supposed Disease Free Mind (that’s’ ME!!)
  8. Yet Another T-Girl Blog
  9. Trade Blog
  10. THE LONDON UNICORN

 

As amazing as this is (and it’s pretty freakin’ amazing hahaha), this isn’t the first time this has happened…

Two years ago I was placed on this same list, when the blog listings were done via a company called Cision (see previous post HERE) and I was understandably gob-smacked this had happened.

love is loveHell, I am again this year.  LOL

To be honest, I hadn’t noticed the email notification or the Tweet (since I don’t go on Twitter that often).  It had only come to my attention when someone had retweeted the posting and it popped up on my mobile notifications.

Admittedly, this all happened a couple weeks ago, just before Pride.  I’d meant to post about it but between Pride itself and then my holiday in Rome, it kinda fell to the wayside.  Oops.

It’s always amazing to get recognition from other bloggers, but to also get it from an outside source that I’d never submitted my blog to is very humbling.  Especially when you take into consideration my sporadic postings over the past year. 😉

But whomever compiled the list clearly enjoyed what they had read, and for that I am extremely thankful.

And I’m thankful to all of you who regularly come by to have a read, leave a comment, share a post, or even just give a like to whatever you’ve been reading.  It’s thanks to all of you that I’m still here and keep coming back regardless of whatever has been happening in my life.

So.. here’s to another year of my little humble blog (which will be turning 8 years old in the Autumn!!), and to all of you for sticking by me through it all.

Love,

Martin x

Signs You’re Actually a Gay Introvert

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Life can be hard when you’re an introvert, especially in the gay community where those pesky sexy extroverts are getting all the guys you’d love to meet.  And sometimes it can make an introvert wonder whether they’ll ever get their turn at the big relationship-roundabout.

All too often introverts will try to push themselves to be more outgoing (especially at the prodding from their more extroverted friends) and make themselves seem more ‘interesting’ to try and rope in that hot guy.

Unfortunately that’s always doomed to failure, as you’re truly not being yourself.  You’re an introvert and always will be.  And here’s why you’re best to just be yourself.. even if some may consider you ‘anti-social’.

Introverts make great listeners.. but hate small talk

Ever notice how some people will fade back while amongst a group of people chatting about the usual mundane things in life.  That person, most likely, is an introvert since most find wading through that chitchat almost painful.  It’s not always that they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversion, but more that they’d just rather not be bothered.

But start talking about the bigger things in life, be it politics, religious freedoms, immigration, or any other such topics, and the introvert will be more than willing to yak your ear off.  Introverts are thinkers, and are able to fully form opinions about a variety of important topics.

Crowds – love ’em & hate ’em

introverts uniteA lot of introverts have issues being in big crowds of people, be it at some packed club or at some huge house party.  They love being included, but sometimes have to fight their anxieties to jump into the middle of things.

But don’t think the introvert isn’t capable of having fun, because they’ll do their best to enjoy themselves and dance the night away.  It just may be that they’ll keep themselves to the outskirts of the main festivities instead of being in the thick of things.

Oh, and their idea of a truly good time?  Chilling in a cool pub with a few good mates, where they can talk without having to shout at each other.

Truly personal connections are special

A lot of people just write introverts off as being anti-social, which couldn’t be farther from the truth.  The reality is they sometimes have difficulty allowing themselves to open up to others, especially those who they’ve just met.

And it’s more than just a trust issue.  Introverts instinctively can tell who they can show their vulnerable side to, and who they can just laugh with without revealing too much of themselves.  And when an introvert does open themselves up to someone, then that means they see that person as special and precious to them.

Huge flirt vs just being friendly

As much as introverts protest, everyone always thinks they’re a massive flirt because they’re not ones to hide behind a façade.  They’re the most authentic and genuine people you’ll ever meet, and they’ll always be the ones to tell you how it is without any double entendres.  But yet your boyfriend will always drag you away from an introvert in a fit of jealousy.

Quality over quantity

Most introverts have an innate ability to smell the bullshit being spewed around them, and because of that, they’re probably the best people to go to for some quality, no-nonsense advise about most anything.  A lot of them can tell when something has been done to a sub-par standard, and are quite adept at telling the fakers from those being genuine.

Man of mystery

In this day and age of over-sharing (online or in person), introverts are seen as being closed off from others and having an air of mystery about them.  A lot of this has to do with an introvert’s unavoidable requirement of being self-sufficient or independent from those around them, even if it makes people think they’re just being a ‘loner’.  It all adds to their inexplicable appeal.

Introvert-quoteUncomfortable talking about themselves

Introverts aren’t the best at selling themselves, usually allowing for their work to speak for itself when it comes to their work life.  As for their personal life, they’re more likely to give a generic ‘I’m alright’ when asked how they’re doing, instead of spilling whatever drama they’re going through at the time.

They’d rather watch Netflix

Introverts aren’t that great at coming up with those witty Facebook statuses we all love to ‘Like’, though do come up with a few zingers from time to time.  Instead they’d much rather chill out, watch a movie, catch that new documentary, or have one of their famous Netflix marathons.

They’re regularly friend-zoned

Because introverts are great at listening and being there for their friends and family, they regularly get placed in the proverbial friend box.  And this is usually despite all their moaning they just want to find a ‘nice guy’, despite the fact that you’re right there ready for the plucking with a massive crush.

Time causes panic

introverts are specialAs introverts get older, they start to realise that they’ve spent hardly anytime socialising or spending it with their friends or family.  And because they tend to over-think things, they’ll start wondering all sorts of things about their lives – Will I ever find a husband? Where did all my friends go? How’d did I lose touch all these people? Do I even care anymore?

All in all, introverts are loving and amazing people who just need those around them to realise how fantastic they are, and make a bit of effort to crack that closed-off exterior.

This article is inspired by –> 10 Signs You’re Actually a Gay Introvert (Even Though You Try Not to Be) – GayGuys.com

A Long Overdue Update…

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I’d love to say the main reason I’ve been so absent from my blog over the past month is because I’ve been too busy actually living life.  That I’m so busy that I just haven’t had a single moment to pop online to update my blog.

I’d really love to say all that.. but that be a load of shit.  LOL

Life has been slightly busy over the past month since I returned from Gran Canaria, but not so much so that I couldn’t jot something down quickly just to keep the site up to date.

sloth_lazy_tv_art_mloveizm_magazineThe honest truth?  I’ve been an absolutely lazy twat.  HAHAHA

Work never gets any busier than it already is, as there’s zero overtime or requirements to work on the weekends.  Most days I get home from work, lay on my bed playing on the iPad (which I could easily use to write blog posts..) and then plop myself in front of the television while I gobble up my dinner.

Real exciting life, huh? 😉

Ok.. so my isn’t really THAT dull and predictable.  I have gone out a couple times here or there, and one recent weekend saw me going to two different birthday parties.  It’s not all boredom and being social hermit, but it does feel that way sometimes.

I can’t even say that I haven’t had much to write about or even to say about my life and the world around me, cause there’s loads going on in the world that I have some definite opinions about.

threesomeAnd it’s not even that I’ve been dating someone, or meeting loads of new guys causing me to be too busy having fun to get my ass online.  Or that I’ve just been busy having loads of sex (I wish!! LOL).

Cause let’s be honest… like most people, I’m online all the time really.  Both at home and at work.  Especially after my mobile provider quadrupled my monthly data allowance recently.

For some reason it’s been weeks since I’ve turned on my laptop, even to just listen to music or watch a movie online.  Funny how things change, when before I used to literally live on my laptop… Think at one point last year I actually ran out of things to watch on Netflix. haha

Maybe it was just time for a bit of a break (again!), and I needed to gather my thoughts a bit before launching any new posts or rants about the world around me… but that’s just giving another lame excuse.

Like I already admitted, I’m lazy.  lol

And like most lazy guys, the longer you allow yourself to get drawn into the habits of laziness, the easier it is to just go with it and not break the cycle.  Having a quiet lazy day or evening after a busy day at work is absolute bliss.. but can’t be letting it take over my life, right?

lazy-monday-8So.. what now?

I’m not going to make some grandiose promise about how I’m going to do better about updating my blog, making sure I don’t go more than a couple days without a post.  That would just be setting myself up for failure, and life should be all about realistic and attainable goals.

I do have loads to catch up on, and so much that I’m just itching to write about.. so we’ll see how things go.

And since I’m already on my laptop, maybe I’ll just have to get all those stories out while I can.  🙂