The Whole ‘Straight Pride’ Silliness

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As we head into the month of June, which is typically Pride month for the wider LGBTQ+ community, the recent news about Boston’s upcoming ‘Straight Pride’ has raised the hackles of many people within the community.

As ridiculous as the idea of even needing such a ‘celebration’ is, it’s not really that crazy when you think about how far to the right most news outlets and politics have shifted over the past few years around many parts of the world.

The three men aiming to organize the event in Boston, planned for 31 August, include Mark Sahady, who has ties to the Proud Boys, which has been classified by the FBI as a rightwing extremist group.

[…] Sahady said the proposed march was a response to the Massachusetts administration turning down the group’s request that a “straight pride flag” be raised at city hall.

“We will fight for the right of straights everywhere to express pride in themselves without fear of judgment and hate,” said John Hugo, president of the group.

Since the ‘Oompaloompa-in-chief’ got into power in America, all the crazies and self-righteous seemed to have come out of the woodwork.  It’s allowed some people’s common sense about how life truly is in the world to go out the window along with any common decency.

In their minds, these stereotypical white, straight men think they’ve been marginalised to the point where they think they’re now a minority.

*Face palm*

Sometimes you just wish you could slap someone upside the head to knock some sense into them.

What these so-called ‘oppressed’ straight men seem to forget is that they haven’t had to live with all the issues the LGBTQ+ community has had to over the decades.  They’ve never had to fear letting people see their true selves in public without fear of being attacked, bullied, beaten, ostracised, ridiculed, and sadly in some cases, killed.

They’ve never had to hide who they love from their families or friends.  They’ve never had their private lives poked into, investigated, or invaded.  They’ve never had to stand up against the larger society and pronounce to the world who they were as a person.

They’ve just had to be themselves from the moment they were born, without worrying how people would perceive their sexuality or gender.  They could introduce their significant others to those around them without fear of ramifications or consequences to their lives or careers.

They hadn’t had to fight for their rights to love and marry their spouses, or their rights to fair and equitable treatment.  They haven’t had to fight for the right to serve their country, or recognition of their partnered status when it comes to medical issues.

They don’t get harassed or embarrassed on public transit when travelling with their partners, let alone attacked for who they are or with.  They can walk down the street holding their partner’s hand without worrying that someone passing by may take offence to a simple outpouring of love and affection to another person.

What these ‘straight pride’ enthusiasts keep forgetting is that the whole Gay Pride movement was born out of our community being continually harassed in supposedly ‘safe spaces’ by the police and powers that be.

Early on the morning of Saturday, June 28, 1969, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning persons rioted following a police raid on the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar at 43 Christopher Street in Greenwich Village, Manhattan, New York City. This riot and further protests and rioting over the following nights were the watershed moment in modern LGBT rights movement and the impetus for organizing LGBT pride marches on a much larger public scale. (Wikipedia)

As this year marks the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots and basically the birth of the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement), now is the time to realise that the fight for equal rights is still just as important now as it was back in 1969 when Marsha P. Johnson famously became one of the prominent figures in the uprising at the time.

All too many of us within our own community take for granted the rights and freedoms we’ve already ‘won’ over the past several decades, and we’ve become a bit lackadaisical in our approach to these things.  We’ve allowed ‘Pride’ to become less of a political statement and more of festival environment that forgets where it came from.

We need to step back up and make our voices heard without the mainstream media drowning us out.  We need to re-embrace our Pride and remember where it came from.

Pride message

 

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Not Fitting The Stereotype

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As empowering as it can be to stand out from the crowd by being a unique individual, it can also be a hinderance in society in general. But do I really stand out from those around me, or is that just my own perception of myself?

I’ve always considered myself an ‘average’ gay man – average looks, average abilities, average personality. etc – but haven’t been able to correlate how I perceive myself physically (short, fat, hairy, bald, etc) with how others see me or what they’re looking for in a potential partner.

Obviously, when it comes to the bear community, there’s a different aesthetic sought after, which is great for those who are into that type of guy.  And physically I suppose I do have that stereotypcial ‘bear’ look.

Now here’s the kicker – despite that physical similarity, I don’t particularly feel part of the bear community.  Just like when I was younger and would hang out with my thinner (twinkier) friends at the bars they enjoyed, I still feel like I’m an outsider looking inside.

And to add to it, I’m an anomaly because I’m not a lesbian-bear  – a bear who’s attracted to other bears.  Instead, I like what would be called a ‘chaser’ or ‘admirer’  – generally fitter or thinner guys, somewhat masculine, good looking (to me), etc – who are into bigger guys.

And I definitely find the super fit, muscular guys in the magazines very attractive.. even if I consider them unattainable.

In the end, I still feel like the average queer that I’ve always considered myself, regardless of which subsect of the community I’m spending time with.  I don’t necessarily stand out compared to others, and my true personality only comes out for the rate few that take the time to get to know me.

I suppose I have never really empathised with the mindset of the bear community because I’ve never really seen myself as one, despite my outward appearance.

In my mind, I guess I see myself as being an average guy with an average body.. and I tend to get a nasty surprise whenever I see myself in the mirror.

I guess I’ve never fully embraced my size or bear-stature.  I do not enjoy being a bigger guy.  I don’t find my body generally attractive, regardless of what other guys have said to me.

I kind of feel like there’s a thinner, fitter version of myself screaming from the inside to get out.

No, I’m not delusional.  LOL

But most of all, I’ve spent most of my life feeling helpless about my body and it’s outward appearance.  My weight over the years has risen and risen, with a few fluctuations here and there.

I would ‘try’ to eat healthier but would end up either ‘treating myself’ too often for doing so well with my food, or I’d still overeat regardless of how healthy the food I was eating was.

Last summer, I was at my absolute heaviest (about 300lbs/136 kgs) and I was starting to have issues walking, breathing, and having regular back pain.  I would run out of breathe after maybe a 10 minute walk and would need to stop for a rest.

So… what is a chubby, lazy guy to do?

Initially I started taking a fat suppressant prescribed by an on-line pharmacy, which I definitely do NOT reccommend. It just made me feel sick and gave me really bad diarrhea on a daily basis.

Around the beginning of the year, I started to make myself walk part of all of the way home from work (45 minutes each way).  This helped, but walking the same route daily got boring fast.

So a couple of months ago I finally got off my ass and joined a gym.  This wasn’t easy as I’ve always felt very self-conscious about going to a gym.  Trying to work out whilst surrounded by fit, muscular guys just felt intimidating.

But I’ve been doing my best for the most part.  I haven’t been on a specific diet, but just trying to eat healthier where I can and cut out sugars, snacking, and all the rest of the yummy foods we’re not supposed to eat regularly.

I don’t have a specific weight goal in mind, but looking to just feel better in my skin.. and perhaps get back to around the weight I was a few years back.  But now I find myself down to about 260 lbs/118 kgs.  Most of that weight loss is since Christmas.

And I’m quite happy with my progress and I’m hoping to keep it going to see if I can lose some more weight.  But again, it’s not with a specific set goal, but instead an intermediate hopeful weight.

I know I’ll never be one of those super fit guys in the magazines, and I’m not hoping to be.  I just want to be comfortable in my own body and feel attractive to myself.. and others obviously.

And if it helps me meet some cute guy who likes me for me, and not my size, then all the better for it.

Photo with cast of ‘Drag Becomes Her’ – (L to R) Peaches Christ, Jinkx Monsoon, ME, BenDeLaCreme, and Major Scales.

A Day in Pompeii

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April last year I had the idea that I wanted to visit and explore the ruins of Pompeii, possibly staying in nearby Naples as they was the closest big city.  I was considering it for my summer holidays last yet, as I generally always take a week off around my birthday.

But I made the mistake of asking an Italian mate of mine his opinion of visiting Naples, and whether he could suggest which areas to stay in.  His response – go somewhere else.

He literally didn’t have a single good thing to say about the area – dangerous, dirty, uninteresting – and suggested I go to Sorrento instead on the other site of Pompeii (about the same distance from the ruins, but to the south).

Well, I look into staying in Sorrento or further south on the Amalfi Coast (as he also suggested), and the rooms were probably at least 3 times the cost as they were in Naples.  And from what I read online, there really wasn’t anything historic in that area.

It was more of a tourist trap, even if the views are gorgeous.

So I talked myself out of going and went to Spain instead (again).  Barcelona and Sitges were amazing, but it was more a beach holiday than the city/historical break that I’d wanted.

Anyway flash forward to my disappointing trip to Paris this past Spring (read about that here and here), I started to think about where I wanted to visit next, and I looked at Pompeii once more.  Figured the weather might still be decent in late September…

Only this time I almost gave up booking as it seemed like EVERYONE was visiting that area the month before I was looking to go… including my Italian friend (and his husband) that talked me out of going last year!!  The cheek!

I almost went somewhere else, but said screw it.. I want to go to Pompeii.  So I booked my trip, and I had an absolutely amazing time.

Honestly, I don’t know what my friend’s issue with Naples was as I quite liked it.  Perhaps it helped that I had rented myself a little studio apartment in the historic area so it was easy to walk around everywhere (which I did.. my poor feet).

But think it also helped that I met several locals that made me feel welcome.  One guy I was chatting to online as I arrived offered to pick me up and show me around the area a bit in his car.

I was somewhat hesitant (being a stranger and all..), but I went with my gut and we had an amazing evening driving up the coast, and then he took me to the ‘best pizzeria in Naples’ according to him – the pizza and home-made beer were astounding.

I spent most of the next day relaxing in the studio before going out in the afternoon for more wandering around the city.  This time I ended up just north of the historic area where it was clear this was the ‘real Naples‘ – narrow streets, washing hanging from the doorways/balconies, people talking to their neighbours across the street.

It really allowed me to see the true city away from the tourist crap, and I love that about a city.

Finally on the Sunday I made my way out of the city to Pompeii.

I hadn’t realised just how big this excavated city really was until 4 hours later when I was still walking around and still hadn’t seen it all.  Guess the online travel bloggers were right after all – don’t try to do all of Pompeii in one day.  It was just too much.

But luckily the route I’d unintentionally took (I just picked a direction and started walking, then got out the site map to see where I was) allowed me to see most of the major buildings – the amphitheatre, multiple gardens, the Basilica, the baths, and the grand theatre (pictured to the right) just to name a few.

But more than anything it was just amazing to be standing in a place so enriched with history (and mystery), to see the reconstructed ruins, and read about the different buildings (had the site guide on my mobile).

Just being there made all the idiocy in planning the trip worth it.

As for Naples itself, I do hope to return for another visit sometime in the future and see more of the surrounding areas.  There was just too much to see in such a short period of time.  Plus now I know some people in the area, so that helps.

Now.. where to next?  😀

Feelings of Frustrations

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Following on from my recent post about how lazy I’ve been with my writing, there’s been another thing that’s been bothering me – my job.  Or more specifically, how I’m treated at work.

After 4 years, I’ve basically gotten to my breaking point with this place. Not only am I basically left alone to completely run our department myself (the ‘site supervisor’ rarely comes into the office or calls me’), but I’m also the only one from my division not working out of head office.

The rest of the regional office I work out of is full of another division, and is mostly made of up of ex-tradespeople turned supervisors/managers.  So needless to say, they’re not the most professional office-wise.

But because of this situation, I’m literally cut off from both those around me and those within my division at head office.  I work completely alone (with occasional assistance from head office when they feel like it), and the rest of the people in the office tend to ignore me or forget I’m even there.

It can be quite lonely at times, especially as my phone rarely rings (work is mostly email based), and it be nice just to have someone to chat to as I go about my day.

The ignoring got to an all-time low last week – I’d just returned from an extended weekend break in Naples (Italy), and not a single person in the office asked how my trip was!!! 

Instead, they were all fawning over this girl (my old colleague before she got moved last year) who had just returned from a drug-fuelled weekend in Ibiza… who had been off the same three days I was.  They kept asking her about the parties she’d attended, raptly listening to her funny stories of things that happened, and laughing at how strung out she still looked after being back a couple days.

I literally sat there most of the day absolutely livid and wondering if I was just imagining things. I came very close repeatedly that day to yelling out ‘I enjoyed my holiday too, thanks for asking!‘, but I restrained myself.  Somehow.

Perhaps they’d just thought I’d been off sick (even if I’d said the week before I was going away..), but even so then shouldn’t someone at least have asked if I was feeling better?

The funny thing is I don’t really care what these people think of me.. or at least I shouldn’t.  It’s not like I’d ever be friends with any of them outside of work, or even have much in common with any of them.  I should just ignore them as they do me (I regularly get missed out on coffee runs).

In fact there have been times over the years where I’ve literally cringed when I’ve heard some of them talk, be it about politics, vocalising their overt trans or islamophobia, or just their general cluelessness about the world around them.

I suppose a lot of it comes down to the pure liberalism of how I live my life, and how that really doesn’t fit into those I work amongst (I literally was the only one in my office to vote ‘Remain’ during Brexit..).

I keep telling myself I need to start looking for a new job.. and I really do after this incident.  How can I keep working in such a toxic environment?  My boss can’t (and wouldn’t) do anything about it, cause what can he really do?  ‘Make’ them talk to me like I’m in grade school?

Besides, he doesn’t even work in my office.. and never comes to visit.

*Sigh*

Yeah.. I need to look for a new job where I’m more part of a team, and where people actually interact.  Where it isn’t a matter of piling everything onto me to complete (single point of failure..), and the workload is shared.

If only it was that easy and simple.

Getting The Juices Flowing

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Now if I was in a naughtier frame of mind, that title could mean this was a totally different type of post… but as I generally don’t talk sex on here, or at least not in an overt blunt manner, that’s not what that title means.

For anyone who’s been around these parts lately (or not so lately, to be more accurate), you’d have noticed a decidedly lack of activity since mid-August, with the previous couple of months being very sporadic.

Once again, I’ve become a lazy blogger and writer, and it’s becoming increasingly hard to get back into the flow of things.  To get those creative juices flowing, so to speak.

Or maybe not…

Repeatedly over the past few months, I’ve had ideas for blog posts or things I’d like to write about but I just haven’t.  More than anything I just keep dreading the thought of sitting down at the laptop after a full day’s work in the office in front of the computer.

My eyes (and brain) can only take so much I think.

So instead of writing I’ve been voraciously devouring books on my Kindle, gotten re-addicted to Candy Crush, and watching Netflix like it’s going out of season.  So instead of writing cause I don’t want to be in front of the laptop, I’m glued to the tv, my tablet or my Kindle… not much different, right?

And all the while I’d doing that, I’m having ideas pop into my head of things to write about, or possible (fiction) stories to write, and so forth… but yet I still don’t do anything about it, and the ideas either continue to rattle around my head or get forgotten into the ether.

So what the hell has prompted me to actually sit down today and write?  How’d I manage to shockingly drag my ass out of bed or off the sofa to sit in front of the laptop?

To be honest, it almost didn’t happen at all.  I was all snug and warm under the duvet, with unlimited lives on Candy Crush and could have easily just stayed there all afternoon.

But what kept going through my head was snippets of a conversation I’d had with a mate at a birthday party in Soho.  A mate who’s had some short stories or poetry published, and is about to have more of his work published in the next six months or so.

And as thrilled as I was to hear of how well he was doing and the palpable excitement in his voice as he explained his plans, all I could think about was ‘why isn’t this me?’.

Yeah… good old jealous selfish me couldn’t just be happy for him, but I had to think about how that’s exactly where I want to be in life.  Well, not exactly.  He writes poetry and children books (with a touch of horror), whereas I’m looking at LGBT fiction, with a side of M2M romance thrown in.

But from our conversation last night, I can understand why he’s doing so well at the moment – he’s working at it.  He dedicates time each and every day to write a certain number of words.  He makes sure he takes the time to hone his writing, and pushes himself to accomplish it even when he’s not feeling up to it.

And me?  I’m just sitting here like a bump on a log wishing I could be published.  And haven’t done a damn thing to get to where he is at the moment.  Or more accurately, where I want to be.

I know the only person that’s going to drive me to succeed is me.  Not my mate, not some mythical publisher who’s going to come out of the woodwork wanting to put my words into print.

Not even you, the lovely people who’ve taken the time out of their busy days to stay with me even when I wasn’t sure I was coming back.

I know I need to get off my ass and motivate myself to do something about what I want out of life.  And if I don’t, then I only have myself to blame when I don’t succeed.

Here’s hoping this is the wake up call I need to get my butt in gear… time will tell, right?

The Trials of Being an ‘Average’ Gay

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Life as a gay man can have it’s ups and downs.  And if you’re considered an ‘average’ gay, then you may be in for a few additional ones.  At least that’s the way society and the media makes us believe.

We all know that a lot of gay men out there can be very superficial when it comes to appearance (and I include myself in that generalisation…), but have we reached a point where the stereotyping is starting to harm those who may not fit that perfect mould?  Not everyone can have the body of a Greek god with perfect hair, muscles upon muscles, great abs, a large package, etc.

Unfortunately, the media does tend to paint the picture that only the most attractive amongst us could possibly be considered successful, happy, or desirable.  That you ‘must’ look like an Abercrombie model in order to be attractive.

When you really get down to it, the actual percentage that would fit that stereotype is probably quite slim, whereas the rest of us could be considered average with varying degrees up or down.  But yet we’ve somehow allowed ourselves to buy into the shallowness and try to strive to reach that unattainable ‘perfection’ and hotness – the perfect body, the hot AF boyfriend, the ideal life.

What a load of crap, huh?

Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone.  Not everyone is turned on by an awesome set of abs, pecs that are marble-like slabs, a chiselled chin, or an ass so tight and peachy you could bounce a quarter off it.

There are whole sub-sects of the gay community that perceive things differently, and have different ideals of what is beautiful (bears, chubby-chasers, etc).  But sadly the media would consider them ‘average’ and perhaps even dismiss them for not wanting to live up to what’s considered an ideal.

Regardless of what you find attractive, it’s more likely that this ‘yearning’ for what others have is due to all of us (gay, straight or anyone in between) regularly comparing our lives to those around us, or to those depicted in the media.  And as much as we know deep down it’s all a facade, we can’t help but to buy into the happy-happy everyone posts on their social media and think ‘I wish that was me’ or ‘I want that’.

But does that necessarily mean your life will be more difficult when you’re just considered ‘average’ (*gasp* the horror…)?  Are you less likely to become successful at you job, or snag that man of your dreams?

Well… yes and no.  It’s all dependant on how you approach life.

As difficult as it can be at times, you can’t live your life comparing yourself to others.  There’s no magic formula for where you should be in life by a certain age, just a bunch of pressure you’ve put on yourself.  And there’s nothing saying that you have to have the same things in your life that your friends or family do.

And that’s the joy of life – it’s different for everyone.  And no matter how you look, you might have the same insecurities, hopes or dreams as that super hot guy beside you on the tube, or as that regular bloke sitting across the pub from you.  Or you might have different ones.

In the end, the most important thing in life is how we perceive ourselves and we really shouldn’t allow the media or other people’s perceptions of beauty to detract from our own self worth.  We should own our average-ness and not allow others to make us feel ‘less than’ because we don’t fit their mould.

Because when you get right down to it, you’re exactly who you’re supposed to be right at this moment.


Can’t help but look around and question whether or not you belong? Magazines, online publications, and nearly every TV show might show a gay couple cuddled up, but why do they all look like supermodels?

Source: The Trouble With Being Average Looking in the Gay Community – GayGuys.com

Making Plans

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Ok… pet-peeve time.

Am I the only one who gets frustrated with people who’ll agree to potential plans but won’t seem to narrow down a date or time?  Where it feels like there’s more back and forth about when to meet up than there should be?

Why is it so damn hard to pinpoint when and where to meet up with someone?  It isn’t rocket-science after all.

This isn’t a new frustration for me.  I may not be the most decisive person, but I definitely prefer to have a solid idea of what it going on instead of the general vagueness that most seem to live with.  I like to know where and when I need to be somewhere, instead of this floating around some seem to do.

The best example of this is when people say we should ‘hang out sometime’ but never really narrow down when they’d like this to happen.  And god forbid they actually make the effort to actually arrange something.

Maybe this is done as a ‘place-marker’ so they don’t have to actually commit to anything.  Or so they can see if a better offer comes along.  But to then turn around later on and complain that the other person didn’t plan anything, it’s a piss off because they had the opportunity and didn’t even try.

I suppose a lot of people out there (myself included probably) are just waiting on someone else to make the first move in arranging something.  This could be a laziness issue (me LOL), a fear of rejection (me again…), or their lives are already so busy that they don’t have the time to actually plan something (everyone else it seems…).

And speaking of those with the over-active diaries and social lives… They seem quick to say something about meeting up, but never seem to be able to say when they’re available when asked.  And then a month or two down the line, the same conversation starts all over again with the same results.

Or if they do make plans, they don’t seem to even narrow down when it’ll actually happen on the day.  For example, I was chatting to an online mate one Saturday morning about finally meeting up in person for a coffee, and to me the implication was it was going to be earlier rather than later as he said he had things to do later in the afternoon.

But instead they continued to be vague throughout the day about what’s going on and whether or not it was actually going to happen.  The messages back and forth never set down exactly when they wanted to meet up, and it was a lot of ‘I’ll let you know when..’ sort of things.

And to me, that’s the rudest thing you can do to a person.  How self-involved can one person be that they expect the other to just sit around waiting on them to decide they’re finally ready to meet up?  Do they think they’re that important that the world should wait on them?

I may not have had much planned for that day, but I definitely didn’t expect to spend my whole afternoon waiting on him to finally show up just past 4pm.  I had other options for the afternoon and could have done one of them instead.

Oh and if we agree to meet up, then please know WHERE we need to meet.  Don’t tell me it’s around such-and-such area only for me to travel across town to get there, and then an hour or so later you tell me it’s actually a different area that I could have gotten to easily.  And you’re already there waiting for me.

Or when I’m already en-route to where you’d agreed to meet but you suddenly change the location and it’s totally in the opposite direction.  Meaning I now have to spent time re-determining how to get there, and probably back-tracking on myself to get there.

And please, do expect a slap if you even THINK of complaining I’m late after all that shit.  LOL

Manners maketh the man, people…

 

Friendships are Weird

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I’ve always had trouble making friends, and sometimes I think it’s because some people are just weird.  Or at least how they treat their friendships can be.

We all have those friend where it’s hard to recall how the friendship started in the first place… or why it’s even continued to this day.

Or we’ve looked at a friend and wondered why the hell we’re even friends.  There isn’t much in common between us or many mutual friends, and sometimes there are things they do that just make them beyond annoying.

But I think that’s normal.  Or at least I hope it is, because I’m positive there must be some people out there that look at me the same way.  LOL

Now I know I can sometimes have a slightly skewed view on things, and friendships aren’t any different.  And any perceived weirdness may just be in my own head…

I sometimes feel like certain friendships aren’t equally balanced, where the one person’s needs are being met more than the other’s.  Examples of this could be where everyone always ends up doing what the more extroverted person wants, or they tend to steer most conversations towards what they want to talk about.

In fact, when they do monopolise the conversation with a more introverted person, it can become quite difficult for that shyer person to get their point or needs across, let alone met.  Which can become quite frustrating.

And sometimes these overly social people can easily miss the signs that their less-outgoing friends aren’t on the same page as them (or even in the same book).  They can get so focused on their own enjoyment of life that they might not notice that those around them may feel left out or left behind.

Or they’re so busy with their own lives that there’s no time or recognition that perhaps a dear friend may need someone to talk through some things or a shoulder to cry on.  Or even just hang out with without it being a party night or loads of people around.

Or perhaps they do realise the other person needs to talk through things but purposely ignores or pushes it aside so they don’t have to listen to another person’s negativity.

Then there are those in committed relationships who seem to only hang out with other couples, inadvertently excluding their single friends from any plans.  Or even if they do include them, they end up being the only single at the ‘party’.

And of course my biggest pet-peeve is those who’re so wrapped up in their active lives that they don’t realise they’re excluding those who may not be as busy.  I don’t think it’s done with any sort of malice, but there are those out there who’ll make out like they don’t plan anything… but yet they never have any time to hang out.

Or they’ll make you feel bad for feeling left out, making it seem like it’s your own fault because you aren’t making the plans or organising events for people to get together.  That it’s your own fault that people don’t include you.

Obviously every person can manage their lives their own way, and that’s fair enough.  To each their own.  Some just like being busy all the time.

But to me, if you’re so busy that you can’t make time for a supposedly good friend when they need you (and not have to ‘schedule’ it in ahead of time…), then how can you possibly expect them to do the same?

Friendships are weird and wonderful things… but they need to go both ways sometimes.

Just a Face in the Crowd

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Sometimes it’s hard to feel like I stand out in life.  That there’s something about me that makes me unique from everyone else.

And I don’t think this is the same as having a purpose in life.  This is more about feeling like there’s something special about myself that others may find interesting and make them want to get to know me better.

Or perhaps I just feel like I’m a boring person.  That I don’t really have much to talk about when trying to have a conversation with people.

Or maybe I’m just crap at talking about myself.

And as silly as it may seem to some, I actually feel slightly horrified when someone DOES try to engage me in small talk about me and my life.  For whatever reason, I’ll freeze up and act like there’s nothing of interest to talk about.  I’ll literally downplay anything exciting that’s been going on recently.

Curiously when I look back, this has actually been an ongoing thing most of my life.  It’s like if I actually boast about something good that’s been going on, then maybe that other person may figure out that there’s really not much interesting about me.  Or that maybe I really don’t deserve the accolades being given, rightfully earned or not.

Maybe I’m just afraid of being the centre of attention.

Is it a self-confidence issue?  Definitely.

I’m not sure why, but I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough or didn’t fit a certain expectation of who I should be as an adult.  As if there was some standard I never felt I could live up to, so ended up spending most of my life feeling less than everyone else around me.

Or perhaps in my youth, it was instilled in me that doing well and showing off how well you did was a bad thing.  That it made me boastful or egotistic in some way to celebrate any accomplishments I might have made.

An example of this was about 9 years ago when I travelled to Copenhagen with my LBGT softball group to compete in the World OutGames.  Because there weren’t enough teams for a proper men’s tournament, the organisers allowed us to compete in another sport of our choosing for no additional fee.

As I’d been bowling since I was 9 years old, I decided it be a laugh to sign up for the bowling tournament.  There were a few other guys doing the same, so I’d still know a few people and wouldn’t feel too out of place around strangers.

Now the big shock was how I somehow found my groove and kicked some serious ass.  And I ended up winning a Gold in the singles competition and a Silver in the doubles.  This was especially shocking as I’d never really won much as a kid/teen in bowling competitions, and was an average bowler at best as an adult.

But afterwards I got all shy and almost embarrassed that I’d done so well in the tournament!

I even tried to hide my medals behind each other as we marched in the Pride parade with the rest of the athletes at the end of the week.  Like most things in my life, I downplayed my accomplishment and even tried to give excuses why I won.

Stupid huh?

I seem to do it in most aspects of my life.  Hell, I even do it with this blog that I’ve been writing for almost 10 years now.  I’ll get all shy when someone shows the least bit of interest in my writing or asks to read any of it, when I should be truly proud of what I’ve created here over the past decade.

Odds are other people probably feel like I stand out more than I think I do and that I am special in some way.  And hopefully one day I can allow myself to feel that about myself too.

I Get Attached Too Easily

Standard

I don’t know why it is, but whenever I meet someone new romantically (for lack of a better word…), I somehow end up getting super attached a lot quicker than I’d like.

It’s something that has occurred for me many times over the years, and despite me actively trying NOT to do this, it still happens without warning.  I can’t seem to help myself.

It’s usually the same old story – meet some cute guy, there’s an instant mutual physical attraction, and we get along like gang-busters.  We’ll end up chatting and texting very regularly, with the conversations becoming quite intimate while also getting to know each other.

And yeah, sure.. there’s some great sex.  That should be a given.  😉

Once I like a guy, I’m basically done and have no interest in continuing to look around for someone else.  I’m always open to seeing if this could potentially be something more than just a casual thing or friendship.

And perhaps it’s that openness to see where things go is what scares them off and causes them to put the brakes on whatever has been going on between us.  It’s not like I’m immediately suggesting we get married, but what’s wrong with showing interest in being more than friends-with-benefits?

What I do find interesting (and slightly disturbing) is how I seem to not have any say in where things go between us.  How the whole decision whether we should date or not is solely in their hands.  How by being so open and honest about what I’d like I’ve somehow given them all the power in whatever ‘relationship’ we’re in.

Messed up, huh?

What can I say.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, even when I’m trying not to.  Even when I’m trying to be cold and distant as a way to play the ‘game’, I still end up being the emotional one.  The one who gets their feelings hurt.

It’s just who I am.

And should I really have to change who I am as a person to get a boyfriend or relationship?

I should hope not… if someone likes me, then they should like me for me, not for their idealised version of my personality.

Because isn’t that the whole point of dating and finding a partner in life?  To find someone who accepts you for who you truly are, and not try to change you into someone you’re not?

I really hope so… and I really hope that guy shows up soon, before I go all ‘Fatal Attraction’, bunny-boiler on some poor unsuspecting guy.

Kidding… I think.  😉