Not Fitting The Stereotype


As empowering as it can be to stand out from the crowd by being a unique individual, it can also be a hinderance in society in general. But do I really stand out from those around me, or is that just my own perception of myself?

I’ve always considered myself an ‘average’ gay man – average looks, average abilities, average personality. etc – but haven’t been able to correlate how I perceive myself physically (short, fat, hairy, bald, etc) with how others see me or what they’re looking for in a potential partner.

Obviously, when it comes to the bear community, there’s a different aesthetic sought after, which is great for those who are into that type of guy.  And physically I suppose I do have that stereotypcial ‘bear’ look.

Now here’s the kicker – despite that physical similarity, I don’t particularly feel part of the bear community.  Just like when I was younger and would hang out with my thinner (twinkier) friends at the bars they enjoyed, I still feel like I’m an outsider looking inside.

And to add to it, I’m an anomaly because I’m not a lesbian-bear  – a bear who’s attracted to other bears.  Instead, I like what would be called a ‘chaser’ or ‘admirer’  – generally fitter or thinner guys, somewhat masculine, good looking (to me), etc – who are into bigger guys.

And I definitely find the super fit, muscular guys in the magazines very attractive.. even if I consider them unattainable.

In the end, I still feel like the average queer that I’ve always considered myself, regardless of which subsect of the community I’m spending time with.  I don’t necessarily stand out compared to others, and my true personality only comes out for the rate few that take the time to get to know me.

I suppose I have never really empathised with the mindset of the bear community because I’ve never really seen myself as one, despite my outward appearance.

In my mind, I guess I see myself as being an average guy with an average body.. and I tend to get a nasty surprise whenever I see myself in the mirror.

I guess I’ve never fully embraced my size or bear-stature.  I do not enjoy being a bigger guy.  I don’t find my body generally attractive, regardless of what other guys have said to me.

I kind of feel like there’s a thinner, fitter version of myself screaming from the inside to get out.

No, I’m not delusional.  LOL

But most of all, I’ve spent most of my life feeling helpless about my body and it’s outward appearance.  My weight over the years has risen and risen, with a few fluctuations here and there.

I would ‘try’ to eat healthier but would end up either ‘treating myself’ too often for doing so well with my food, or I’d still overeat regardless of how healthy the food I was eating was.

Last summer, I was at my absolute heaviest (about 300lbs/136 kgs) and I was starting to have issues walking, breathing, and having regular back pain.  I would run out of breathe after maybe a 10 minute walk and would need to stop for a rest.

So… what is a chubby, lazy guy to do?

Initially I started taking a fat suppressant prescribed by an on-line pharmacy, which I definitely do NOT reccommend. It just made me feel sick and gave me really bad diarrhea on a daily basis.

Around the beginning of the year, I started to make myself walk part of all of the way home from work (45 minutes each way).  This helped, but walking the same route daily got boring fast.

So a couple of months ago I finally got off my ass and joined a gym.  This wasn’t easy as I’ve always felt very self-conscious about going to a gym.  Trying to work out whilst surrounded by fit, muscular guys just felt intimidating.

But I’ve been doing my best for the most part.  I haven’t been on a specific diet, but just trying to eat healthier where I can and cut out sugars, snacking, and all the rest of the yummy foods we’re not supposed to eat regularly.

I don’t have a specific weight goal in mind, but looking to just feel better in my skin.. and perhaps get back to around the weight I was a few years back.  But now I find myself down to about 260 lbs/118 kgs.  Most of that weight loss is since Christmas.

And I’m quite happy with my progress and I’m hoping to keep it going to see if I can lose some more weight.  But again, it’s not with a specific set goal, but instead an intermediate hopeful weight.

I know I’ll never be one of those super fit guys in the magazines, and I’m not hoping to be.  I just want to be comfortable in my own body and feel attractive to myself.. and others obviously.

And if it helps me meet some cute guy who likes me for me, and not my size, then all the better for it.

Photo with cast of ‘Drag Becomes Her’ – (L to R) Peaches Christ, Jinkx Monsoon, ME, BenDeLaCreme, and Major Scales.

10 thoughts on “Not Fitting The Stereotype

  1. Good for you! Progress is always better than procrastination and your forty pound weight loss is definitely a step in the right direction! Keep to your gym program and monitor your foods and you’ll soon be rewarded with some positive results! Naked hugs! 😉

  2. Congratulations on your current weight loss. As long as YOU feel good about yourself is all that matters. Many struggle with their weight and try to fit the “skinny twink” or “muscular” gay man that’s portrayed in the media. But gay men come in all shapes and sized and I am glad you are comfortable being you 🙂

    • Thanks so much for your words… it’s a work in progress and not sure I’m 100% comfortable in myself just yet, but hopefully getting there. As much as I would LOVE to look like that stereotypical media-portrayed ‘hot’ gay man, I know that’s not realistic or even who I am as a person. My main goal isn’t a specific weight really, but more feeling good about myself and how I look to me… now if only I could speed this darn process up without giving up yummy food hahahaha

  3. First, congrats on the continued weight loss. I wouldn’t try to speed it up; you don’t want your body to go into starvation mode. Mom’s a retired registered Dietitian so I’ll avoid channelling her.

    I do know what you mean about not fitting the stereotype. I’ve a slew of skeletal problems that makes my stomach stick out and causes people to stop and stare if I take my shirt off (unless I’m at a nudist event… go figure). I have no depth perception so most sports are impossible. I’m completely tone deaf and arrhythmic; I can’t identify a beat, forget follow one. Fashion trends? Please, I’m overwhelmed just finding shirts that don’t emphasize my hunchback.

    I could go on, but the point is I’m hopeless at most ‘gay’ stuff and most of the ‘gay’ stuff I could theoretically do require way more time, energy, or money than I have. At some point I gave up trying to fit in. I wrote it off as an unattainable goal.

    So I completely gave up on fitting in. I joined a couple of nudist groups that offer social events, exercise classes, massage classes, and drawing. Yes, all the artists are naked and we take turns modelling.

    If you want to meet a group of totally non-judgmental gay men, join a gay male nudist group.

    I guess the point of this ramble is that you’re hardly alone with not fitting in,

    • Thanks. I’ve been part of Naked Mates here in the UK past couple of years but was starting to feel like the parties were less about socialising and more about sex.. to each their own

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