Dating Tips for the Gay Singleton

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Whether you’re newly single or have been single for what feels like an eternity, getting back into the dating scene can seem intimidating.  Some seem to think that the second you become single that you should be immediately jumping on the apps or hitting the bars looking for your next relationship.

However there’s no set rule as to how long you should stay single before jumping back into it all.  Or even what you should do to get back out there.  Sometimes taking that time to be single and enjoy your own life can be beneficial, and your body/mind/soul will tell you when it’s time to get back in the game.

Now, I’m no expert on the dating scene – if I was, I probably wouldn’t be single myself LOL – but here are a few tips on how to put yourself out there and maybe actually enjoy it.

Don’t stress about it

characters-couple-happy-love-single-Favim.com-57296All too often when guys try to get back out there after a period of singledom, they tend to put too much pressure on themselves to ‘get it right this time’, so to speak.

Let’s be honest – dating can be awkward, uncomfortable or downright silly at times, and there’s no point adding pressure on yourself to ‘do well’ right out of the box.

If anything, you should be allowing yourself to just have some fun, see where things lead you, and not worry if it could end with a marriage proposal let alone a second date.

The more you stress over it, the more uncomfortable you’ll feel about the date and the more reluctant you’ll be to even bother trying.

Get out there and mingle

It’s never easy getting back out there on the scene, and one of the difficult things is figuring out where to meet new, interesting, compatible people who you might be interested in romantically.  And asking your mates if there’s someone to set you up with isn’t an option, as it could make them uncomfortable.

Instead, get yourself out there and mingle with people you wouldn’t normally meet on a regular Friday night at the local pub.  Perhaps joining a social group with a similar interest could open up a whole new world of people that you could relate to. And if you don’t meet anyone romantically, it’ll at least give you an opportunity to meet someone for a new friendship.

Speaking of new friends…

All too often, guys will go looking for a new romantic partner without allowing themselves to be open to a new friendships.  Not every new guy you’ll meet will be compatible romantically, so why would you limit your ‘search’ to just new romantic partners?

The best ideas for gay datesWhen going out on the scene again after a break, it’s inevitable that you’ll meet some amazingly interesting guys but there won’t be any romantic spark.  Or perhaps there’ll be guys you’ll meet you’ll initially be interested in but it doesn’t turn out.

No point just dropping them on the wayside, as you never know when you’ll meet that great new best friend.

And perhaps that might be the best approach to take, just looking for a new friend or two, and see where things lead.

Go out and have fun!!

Way too often, guys will plan dates as a way to make a good first impression on the other, and will make choices about the date with only that other person in mind.  Or they’ll act a certain way because they believe the other guy will like them more for that ‘first date persona’ than the real them.

Don’t allow the date to be more about one or the other person’s interests, but instead organise it around something you both enjoy.  Talk to each other during the planning stages to figure out some common interests and go from there.. even if it’s just going for a pint at a pub.

Learn from the rejections

Let’s be fair, not every date you’ll go on will be a home run.  And sometimes it’ll be bad, really bad, ending in you being rejected by the other guy.  And that is ok.  Rejection is part of life, especially when you’re out there trying to date, so why let it get you down?

Instead try to learn from it.  Accept the rejection for what it is – incompatibility – and a way to learn more about what you do want in a new partner.  The more you think on it, the less likely you’ll be to move forward and meet someone truly interesting.

This post has been inspired by — 5 Gay Dating Tips For Men Who’ve Been Long Term Single – Gay Pop Buzz

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Dating and the Fat Man

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The other day I was surfing around a site sent to me by my fellow blogger Ivan (ivansblogworld.wordpress.com), and the below article title caught my eye.

7 Struggles of Dating When You’re a Fat Gay Man – Gay Pop Buzz

YES!!  I’m not the only one who finds it a struggle!  Maybe this would be the article that would truly get me.

Quick recap – I’m a 43 year old fat gay man who’s never been in an actual relationship.  I’ve only ever dated guys casually for a bit before they would claim I was getting ‘too attached’ and only wanted something casual.. which usually ended with them having a new boyfriend within about 6 months.

So.. I opened this article hoping to gain some mutual insight into what I’ve gone through in my dating life.  That it was going to be validation for all the years I’ve felt marginalised for whatever reason.  And as I read the first couple of lines I thought I’d found a kindred spirit as there were a lot of similarities.

fat-manBoy… could I have been even more WRONG!!!

The more I read, the more I realised this wasn’t me or my experiences.  Instead, this was someone who’s allowed himself to become so dismissive of himself, his weight, and the gay community that he’s allowed his negativity to feed into his own fat-shaming.

It was to the point where he was obsessive about it.  And he was absolutely adamant that this was the truth for all chubby gay men out there.

Well, No.  His experiences sure as hell haven’t been mine.

So based on his article, I’d like to give my experiences over the years and how I’m feeling.  These aren’t facts or anything other than my observations, and I would never allude that anyone else should feel exactly the same.

Smaller Target Audience

I learned after a few years (and a bit of heartbreak) that there really is a smaller target for bigger guys like me, regardless of what type of guys I found physically attractive… and it sure as hell wasn’t other bigger guys like me (lesbian bears, as I like to call them haha).

At first I thought, because of my own fat-shaming, that I’d have to settle for whomever was willing to have sex with me.  That I was truly ugly and unattractive, so I’d have no real choice in the matter.  But then I found the bear community and the chasers… and I was meeting some pretty gorgeous guys.  And who’d complain about that?  😉

Loneliness is best served cold.. with gravy

Like probably a lot of people out there who have weight issues, I tended to turn to food as compensation when I was feeling down or bad about something.  It was an instant gratification while trying to justify my bad food choices.

Who munches on celery sticks when they’re feeling down?  LOL

Fat_ManBut this is something I’ve recently started working on, mostly because I was starting to feel like my weight had gotten out of control (partly due to quitting smoking I think).  I’m taking it day by day to ensure I’m making good food choices and pairing it was regular exercise (walking part way to/from work).

It’s only been about 2 weeks, but I’m feeling good about it and need to keep it going.

I’m one hell of a hermit

I don’t think I’ve used my weight as an excuse not to go out and be social.  Instead I’ve allowed my laziness to justify why I’ll spend a weekend at home having a Netflix marathon alone.

I think my hermit-ism is more due to my own feelings of being left out by people, and not taking the issue in hand to do something about it (see previous post).  I know there are places I can go and potentially run into someone I know (KA in Soho for instance), but I’ll let my laziness to justify why it’s a waste of time spending an hour travelling into town on the ‘chance’ of meeting someone I knew.  Or someone new.

And that’s not good.

I do alright, sexually.. sometimes

I know I sometimes moan about how I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like to, or even as much as I used to a few years ago.  But at no point have I ever said it’s because I’m fat.  Sure that may limit my possibilities, but it shouldn’t ever stop me.

And no, unlike the original article’s author, I have never paid for sex.  Fuck no.

Instead I know my lack-luster love life is down to my own laziness and not putting myself out there as much as I used to.  If I’m sitting at home all the time, how am I going to meet someone one new and exciting?  Sure, there are the dating apps, but mostly I’m only going to get the same group of guys within my immediate area.

naked-men-in-bedA compliment is a compliment

I’ve never been that great at accepting compliments from guys, mostly due to my own low self-esteem.  Usually I’d just assume they were saying these things just so they could have sex with me (and some of them might have been..).

But I think I’ve done well to get past that somewhat and accept a compliment for what it is.  And if the other person isn’t being sincere, then that’s on them.  I’m not going to spend my precious time over-thinking everything a guy says to me just to figure out if it’s real or not.

We’re homophobic towards each other

I’ve been living out and proud for over 20 years now, and it still never astounds me how much as a community we put ourselves down by ostracising our own sub-sects or stereotypes.

no fatWho hasn’t been to a Gay Pride and watched as all the muscular pretty boys in their little hot-pants get all the cheers and catcalls, while anyone who doesn’t fit that ‘society-approved norm’ basically gets ignored.

However I won’t allow that to affect how I feel about myself.  I go to Pride most years and have a laugh, usually ending up at the bear bar drinking in the streets with everyone else.  And I just get on with my life without allowing other people’s perceptions of who they think I am stop me from having fun.

Never assume to know someone

True, I look like the stereotypical little bear, but that doesn’t mean you know who I am based on someone you’ve known in the past who has a similar look.  Or that because I’m above a certain age with a bit of grey in my beard that I must be a ‘daddy’.  Or that because I’ve attended several naturist parties that I’d be interested in going to an orgy.

It’s all bullshit.  Not one aspect of my life wholly defines me as a person.

BUT…. if I’m being truly honest, I’ve been just as guilty of it as anyone else.  I would see some pretty, young ‘twink’ and immediately think they must be a self-absorbed, fashion-obsessed, obnoxious airhead.  Or that some beefy, muscled out gym-bunny must be dumb as a bag of hammers.  And so forth.

Sadly, this is something we all have to struggle with on a daily basis.  We’ve grown up buying into the stereotypes just as much as we’ve been fighting to get past them, and sometimes still treat people of similar backgrounds as gay clones.


So… what now?

Well, not much really.

It’s not like I wrote this to work through some issue or to justify my actions.  It was more of an exercise to prove that not everyone’s experiences are the same, no matter how many factors you may have in common.

CarrotHowever I do think it’s helped show me that, although my dating life is pretty stagnant at the moment, it truly hasn’t been all that horrible.  That despite never having that relationship I’ve always wanted, I still have met some amazing guys – and yes, some assholes too – that have made the journey so far worth it.

Yeah, shocking as it is, I’m actually feeling somewhat positive about my dating past and the potential for the future.  And that it’s just a matter of getting my lazy ass out there again. LOL

Source: 7 Struggles of Dating When You’re a Fat Gay Man – Gay Pop Buzz

Making a Good Impression on a Date

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Dating is never an easy thing.  Meeting someone new for the first time can be quite daunting, and the desire to make a good impression can be high.. sometimes to the point where you can try to hard.

Dating should be a fun and exciting part of life, so why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to ensure we connect with our date?

Here are a few things you can do to ensure things end on a more positive note.

To drink or not to drink..

Probably the easiest thing to do on a date is to meet for a drink in a bar, pub or restaurant as they’re meant to be social places.  The problem is sometimes guys will tend to drink to much as a way to relax or loosen themselves up.. and nobody wants a messy date.

A date is a social engagement, and if you’re pissed off your tits, then you’re more likely to be jarringly obnoxious as you waffle on like some aging party boy instead of being your truly interesting and personable self.  There’s no race, so don’t try to down your pint in one go.  Keep it to a drink or two, and only if the other person is having one as well.

gay-dating-headlineChoose a mutually beneficial location

 

The best thing to do when setting a place to meet on a date is that it’s both convenient and beneficial to you both.  For instance, if one of you lives in North London and the other in South London, the logical thing to do is to arrange to meet somewhere in the middle, and not one that only benefits one person location-wise.

And as important as location is, the atmosphere of where you meet is super important as well.  The last thing you want is to be in a popular crowded pub where you can’t hear each other, so why not pick a more out of the way place that’s quieter.  As well, you don’t want to pick somewhere either of you might be likely to bump into someone you know.  The last thing you need is someone trying to edge in on your private time together.

Know when to make a (sexual) move

two-men-kissingThere’s nothing less sexy or enticing than a guy who goes in for a kiss or a grope in an inappropriate location or too soon into the date.  There’s nothing wrong with a bit of a public display of affection, but don’t be going in for a deep, wet snog right away.

Oh and as for those roaming hands of yours?  How about you keep them to yourself while we’re just getting to know each other, especially when we’re in public.  There’s more to meeting someone for a date than sex, so no need to go into intricate details of your sex life or what positions you enjoy or even that thing you did on holidays that you probably shouldn’t have.

Don’t be a Judge Judy

Part of getting to know someone new is learning what makes that person tick, as well as what they consider their limits to be.  And we’re not talking sexually either.  Some people hate certain words, especially the more derogative swear words, and you really need to pay attention when they say they hate that word.. not continue to work it into the conversation.

As well, if the conversation turns to politics, religion, or any other potentially explosive topic, don’t let it get your back up and judge them for their views on life.  We’re all different people so are allowed to have differing points of view.  Be willing to have an open conversation, not try to take them down because their view is different than yours.

Be real and keep your promises

If you’re truly interested after the first date and genuinely would like to see them again, then tell them.  Don’t leave them hanging, waiting for you to say something.  There’s nothing wrong with putting yourself out there, just be careful to not get too attached too soon.

As well, if they tell you they’re interested in seeing you again and you’re not, then say so (NICELY!!).  There’s no point dangling the carrot in front of them if you’re never willing to follow it through.

Oh and for goodness sake, stop trying the whole playing ‘hard-to-get’ thing.  It really doesn’t work.  If a guy doesn’t message back, it’s not a game move.  It means they’re not interested, plain and simple.

newgrindrlove_2606161bThis post was inspired by – How To Make A Good Impression On Your Date – GayGuys.com

A Dating Dry Spell

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I’m not sure what’s changed, but I’ve found my dating life going through yet another dry spell these days.  I’m sure this is normal for most people, and it sure as hell isn’t the first time it’s happened to me, but I can’t help but wonder if sometimes there’s something I’m doing that causes these recurrent episodes.

Now I’ll be honest – sometimes it’s hard to separate my dating life with my sex life, because occasionally they’re not mutually exclusive.  I admit that a shag doesn’t necessarily constitute a date, and a date doesn’t always end in a shag.

But of course there are always exceptions to this.  😉

turkish kissFor me, things seemed to be going fairly well after I moved to my current flat, and they definitely picked up (sexually) once I returned from Gran Canaria back in November.  After spending most of a year of feeling sexually frustrated, it was a nice change.

The best part was that I was going out more often.  I was usually out on a Friday night (and some Saturday nights too), which is a huge help when trying to meet new guys.  Not that there were many of them, but at least I was meeting a few new guys here and there.

I only had a small handful of dates during that time, none of which lead anywhere other than sometimes the bedroom for a one-off romp, but at least it was something.

But something changed after the New Year.  Suddenly, I was spending most weekends at home alone.  The invitations to socialise died out, and any attempts on my part to drum up interest to do something were met with either disinterest (or so it seemed) or the classic ‘I’m busy’ and ‘I’ve already got plans’ responses.

And both my sex and dating lives ground to a complete halt.

I’m sure there’s all sorts of things that could contribute to this current dry spell, some of them my own doing and some from others.  Or perhaps there’s something I’ve been unknowingly putting out there that’s putting guys off.

I’m not saying that the past couple of months have been complete no-sex zones, but it’s been so far and few in between that it might as well have been.  There’s been many times where I’ve been chatting to a guy about meeting up, and just as it seems it’s going to happen they end up pulling out (no pun intended) at the last minute.

Annoying, for sure.

I have had a couple dates with one guy who lives locally to me.. and by dates I mean actual dates, where we met up for drinks or dinner and talked to each other.  And didn’t have sex (though there was a bunch of kissing and cuddles on the second date…).

IMG_0302But unfortunately that’s as far as it’s gone, and that was probably about a month ago.  There’s been no third date as of yet, despite us regularly chatting online.  I’ve tried suggesting things here and there, but he’s out of town a lot on the weekends and works long hours during the week.. meaning it doesn’t leave much time to meet up.

He’s a lovely man and I do want to see him again, but I’m unsure if it’ll actually go anywhere.  There didn’t seem to much of a mad, crazy, sexy, tear-off-your-clothes passion between us, but perhaps that was because I was purposely trying to take things a bit slower that I normally do and not jump right into bed with him.  For once.

You know, actually get to know the man before I got to ‘know’ the man.  LOL

I don’t know… Sometimes I wish I could just maintain that care-free attitude I had after my holidays and see what fun I could get up to.. even if it’s not ‘fun’ that I’m wanting in my life.

Or perhaps I need to stop hoping for more than what’s on offer at the moment.

Time will tell I suppose.

Struggles of Being a Nice Gay Guy

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Who hasn’t heard one of their painfully single friends moan about how there’s no ‘nice guys’ out there anymore?  That all they seem to meet in today’s gay digital hook-up culture is a load of selfish guys with superiority complexes, or at least trying to aspire to have one instead of the natural disposition they were born with.

And for someone who identifies as a ‘nice guy’ it can be quite hard when you’re submerged in that selfish culture.  As a non-alpha male, it’s difficult to get ahead in life and relationships without having to put aside who we truly are.

The struggle is real, people.  😉

We find what we want in those aren’t willing to offer it

Most of us have just accepted that it’s part of life that we’ll eventually become hurt, disappointed, taken advantage of or even lied to when it comes to finding love, and because of this we’ve build up barriers around our hearts to distance ourselves.  A pattern of disconnection, if you will.

Unfortunately, nice guys continue to see the best in those they meet by living in the present instead of the past.  This means they’re more likely to get hurt when they think they’ve found what their looking for in someone who’s not willing to open up their damaged heart and soul.  It’s hard to continually find the best in the wrong people.

Where’s the catch?

Since when did being nice or willing to open your heart equate to being weak, inferior or naïve?  When a nice guy does something nice for another, it’s just because they wanted to, not because there’s some ‘hidden agenda’ behind their actions.  But yet society seems to think instead that means you’re easy prey or don’t have balls to stand up for yourself, so some may go out of their way to rile you up.

We’re not willing to compete for someone’s affection

In the world of dating and wooing the pants off the object of your affection, nice guys aren’t naturally inclined to compete for a mate so tend to be looked on as weak or not ‘man enough’.  Even if deep down the nice guy does desperately want to fight for what they want.

Instead, nice guys are more willing to show their crush-du-jour who they are through their actions, to truly show their inner self with dignity.  They want to attract their potential mate because of who they are, not some artifice they’ve piled on to impress some cutie at the bar.

We hate playing games

gossipIt seems all people on the dating scene do these days is play mind games, mostly with them pretending they’re always unavailable as a way to pique some guy’s interest.  It’s a game of hard to get that nice guys just aren’t willing to playing, and are seen as being too ‘available’.

Instead nice guys just tell the truth and tell a guy when we want to see them, instead of being childish and acting like we want nothing to do with them to see if they approach us first.  It’s basically a power play where the one who approaches first loses, and is one nice guys just aren’t willing to play.  We’d rather be honest.

We’re exactly what you’re looking for, but…

Why is it in this day and age there’s always a ‘but’ whenever someone tells you they like you?  Who hasn’t been seeing a guy they absolutely click with, but instead of seeing where things lead they’d rather look for something more or someone they think is just a smidge better than you.  Or they want you to change a part of who you are to suit their preconceived ideals.

Yet you hear these guys moan how they just want ‘Mr Nice Guy’ but just keep meeting assholes.  That’s because they tend to dump the nice guys in favour of some new cutie that they think they’d be a better match with and really aren’t.

We’ve been ‘friend-zoned’

Oh, who hasn’t had this happen to them really?  All too often, nice guys are set aside to be BFF’s instead of just BF’s because the other person doesn’t want to complicate or risk the friendship.  Or they’ve gotten so used to having you by their side to hear and watch their drama, that they stop thinking of you as a potential suitor.

All too often, those whinging drama queens complaining about the lack of nice guys out in the dating world are just blind to the the friends they’re dragging along for the ride.  As much as they say they want to meet a nice guy, they really think that nice guy behaviour should be reserved for their BFF.

We’ve been taken advantage of

Eventually all nice guy BFF’s get taken advantage of one way or another.  It could start small like being asked to watch someone’s jacket while they chat up some bubble butt cutie at the bar, but could eventually lead to larger more inconvenient favours.  Which are basically assumptions.

And if as a nice guy you say no to said ‘little’ favours, it’s like you’re crazy to even consider not helping a friend out.  Because who doesn’t love going an hour out of your way to make sure some drunk friend’s friend gets home okay, while your friend is copping off with Mr Bubble Butt from the bar.

really bitchWe just want to be liked

There are times when a nice guy has to weigh the pressures they’re put under to be liked against maintaining their morals.  Which could sometimes mean going against our natural character to fit in with the rest of the world around us.

In order to fit in, sometimes you’ll have to do things and go places you wouldn’t normally.. like accompanying a friend to an underwear party when you’re not that comfortable standing around in your skivvies.  Or covering for a partnered friend who’s off getting their dick sucked in the loo.

We just want everyone to have fun

All too often, nice guys are perceived as trying to ‘please’ everyone, when that’s actually much farther from the truth.  In reality, we literally just want everyone to have fun and get along.  We just want to share the joie-de-vive we have inside with other, and hope they’ll share it as well with others in their lives.  We allow our love out into the world, but sadly most don’t appreciate or reciprocate it.

We just want to help

Most nice guys tend to be so focused on helping others around them, that they forget to take care of their own happiness.  We’ll listen, heal, share, and love others to the point where their lives are in a better place, but we haven’t moved forward ourselves.

The truth is we usually think we don’t need as much help as others do, so put our own happiness to the side to help others move forward.  Sometimes we’ll even give a crush relationship and dating advise while secretly wanting to date them, only to have to sit back and smile when they have a new boyfriend.

And man, does that ever suck! :-/

This post was inspired by: 10 Struggles of Being a Nice Guy in the Gay Hookup Culture – GayGuys.com

Biggest Relationship Mistakes

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Whether you’ve been in a relationship or not, it’s pretty much common knowledge that they take a lot of work.  Regardless of the connection or commitment to each other, there will always been some issues that crop up, but it’s a matter of know how to best deal with them and move past them.

And sometimes it’s all about how you act towards your new partner.  So here are a few helpful tips.. but of course, each relationship is unique.

Going Too Fast

Let’s be honest.. the quickest way to turn off your potential new partner is to jump in too deep, too quickly.  Just because you had a fantastic time on your date and had a lovely good-night kiss (or even more amorous activities hehe), it doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever.  You have to let things happen naturally, you really can’t force things.

super intimateGoing Too Slow

On the other hand, if you take it so slow that your new partner starts to think you’re not interested, then you may end up losing them to someone new.  That’s not to say you should immediately become more physically or emotionally entangled, but at some point once that connection has been made, it’s best to move things along a bit.  Even if it’s just a small step at a time.  Whatever pace works for both of you.

Not Finding the Time

Life can be busy for all of us at times.  But if you’re not making an effort to find time for your significant other (or even dating itself), it makes the other person feel like they’re less important than other things in your life, and you’re bound to drift apart.  Relationships need time and effort to prosper, and if you can’t find time for your sweetie, then they won’t be your sweetie for long.

A Lack of Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t just about how you interact with each other, but how much outside intrusion you allow into your relationship.  Clear expectations need to be set for each other, including how much (or little) meddling you allow in, as well as boundaries with each other.

gay-17Taking Your Partner for Granted

In the beginning, we always go out of our way to make the other person feel important.. So where did that go?  Regardless if the relationship is new or you’ve been together for decades, always do something to make the other person feel special and don’t let the humdrum daily routine to take that away from you.

Trying to Change the Other Person

We all have certain expectations when it comes to our potential partners, and as long as you’re wiling to compromise to some degree then it’ll all go swimmingly.  But if you’re rigid in your ideals and continually try to make the other person fit into some mould that you ‘think’ is your ideal person, then you’re probably setting yourself up for failure in the long run.

Not Giving Your Partner Enough Space

Relationships are hard, and sometimes you each need to take some time apart.  Even if you don’t really want to.  Without being a mindreader, you need to keep an eye out for cues from your partner and just back off for a bit when they need a bit of space.  You can’t force togetherness 24/7, as even the happiest of couples need some time apart.  It’s healthy for both of you, as well as the relationship.

Having No Life Outside the Relationship

And off the back of that point, you can’t cut yourself off from your friends and loved ones from before you started the relationship.  And you can’t expect your partner to do that either.  It’s healthy to continue to have friends outside the relationship, even if they’re mutual friends.  And not just friends, but also maintain the interests and hobbies you had before.  You can’t stop being you just because you’ve found someone special.

And let’s be honest, sometimes you just need that best friend to talk to, as some topics may be a bit outside the boundaries with your new cutie.  😉

Looking -assesThis post has been influenced by the article –> 8 Biggest Relationship Mistakes | The Daily 8

How to Make Yourself More Dateable

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Being single can really suck at times, and trying to navigate through the gay dating scene can seem almost like torture.  But yet we’re willing to be masochists and jump right back in, even when it seems like we’re not getting the results we’d like.

But are we actually letting the world make us believe that it’s our own fault that we’re single?  Well.. yes and no.  When you’re not making yourself available or open to opportunities, you’re not doing anything to change your situation.

Allow room for spontaneity in your life

We all have people in our lives that seem to be constantly busy, and are never up for anything last minute.  These guys tend to organise their lives so far in advance that you end up trying to find ways to fit yourself into their diary instead of just going with the flow.

Too many seem afraid to allowing spontaneity into their lives, as if it’ll make the world spiral out of control if the day isn’t perfectly organised.  If you don’t take the risk to get out there and put yourself in new or unplanned situations, then how do you expect to meet someone new?  Or if you can’t change your plans, why not invite your crush-du-jour to join you.. it’s a great way to see how they interact with your friends, and vice versa.

Be proud to be yourself

Dressing_for_success_tips_on_dressing_for_an_interview_330x330Let’s be honest – there are way too many fakers out there, with their perfect lives and fabulous vacations, which they’ll recount to no end to ensure you’re green with envy.

Seriously, what’s the point?  What do they truly expect to gain from hiding who they really are from a prospective new beau?  They’re setting themselves up for disappointment and heartbreak because they’re secretly afraid of being judged for who they really are.

Instead just be yourself from the start, goofy quirks and all.  Because in the end what you really want is someone who gets who you really are from the start, not some hyped up version of yourself you think others will like.  Don’t dim your own light around others, because the most valuable trait you can possess is your own authenticity.

Know your moral compass

Too often we’ll meet people who’ll try to sway us from our goals and focus in life, be it our dreams for the future, how we relate to others, or even how we choose to live our lives.  These goals are what fuel our drive and motivation, and we should never allow another person to judge us or bring us down based on their own limitations.

Basically it’s your life, and it’s the only one you’ve got to live.  So why not make a stand for who you are and what you believe in, instead of letting that new sexy guy over-ride your ideals and thoughts.  And when you enter the dating scene knowing what you want and look for, then you’re more likely to find someone compatible with similar morals in life.

To thine own self be true

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We’ve all faced the feared question in job interviews – Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years? – and regardless of whatever corporate drivel you spew out to impress that prospective boss, what does it really matter if you’re not the man you want to be.

Too often we focus solely on improving our careers or material possessions instead of working on improving ourselves.  Why not take that extra energy and put it into your own life.  Improve who you are as a person, and in the long run that ‘career’ will find itself to the happier, more contented version of yourself because you’re actually ready for it.

Love yourself.. emotionally

We’ve all heard the cliché that you’ll never find someone special if you don’t already love and appreciate yourself.  And despite it being trite, it’s actually true.  So how do you expect to meet Mr Right when you’re projecting the idea that you’re undateable or not good enough?

You’re an awesome human being, and everyone around you knows it and loves you for you .. so why don’t you?  Stop being scared of loving who you are as a person and trust that others will appreciate it as well.  Let your positive light lead the moths to your flame.

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Be good towards others

Part of life is we all make mistakes and no-one wants these broadcast to the world, so why is it we spend so much time shaming others when they screw up?  Who cares if someone did something wrong, or doesn’t fit into your perfect mould of how a man should act.  It’s probably not the end of the world (unless they’re some maniacal evil genius, obviously lol), so why not just laugh it off and focus on how the person makes you feel instead.

Stay focused

The best way to make a guy feel important and admire you for it is to give him your focus.  When you’re chatting with some cutie focus on him and what he’s saying, not on what’s going on around you or any possible messages you’ve receive on those dating apps.  Put away the mobile, stop staring at the exit to see who’s coming or leaving, and instead just truly listen to what he has to say.  It’ll make all the difference in the world.

Don’t live to work

Too many people put their careers before their personal lives, and in the end both tend to suffer for it.  How are you going to fuel your creativity or recharge your zest for life if you allow your work to overtake every other part of your life?  By ensuring you’re enjoying life itself, you’ll end up more satisfied in life and you’ll find you’re giving a visible value to your world.

Trust your instincts

brasil-gay-beachStop going dating with blinders on, because you’ll continue to miss on the crucial red-flags that’ll end with you in tears wondering why ‘Prince Charming’ doesn’t love you and turned into such a dick.

It’s crucial to be open-minded but not so naïve that you let the other guy walk all over you.  Be strong and courageous in your dating life, but don’t neglect your gut instincts.

You’ll be much happier for it.. and you’ll find your real ‘Mr Right’ in the end.

This post was inspired by: 10 Ways to Make Yourself More Dateable – GayGuys.com

Friends With Benefits – Can It Work?

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Life can be difficult and lonely when you’re single, regardless if you’re happy with singledom or not.  Sometimes it’s nice to just have someone to cuddle up to once in awhile, because deep down we all need a bit of human interaction.

Ok.. so it’s sometimes more about getting that ‘itch’ scratched, and you don’t necessarily want some impersonal hookup from one of those dating/chat apps some of us use.

So could finding a friend-with-benefits (FWB) be the answer to all your carnal and cuddly needs? Or is that just tempting fate too much?

And are there any actual rules in a FWB sexual situation?

I keep asking myself these questions a lot lately, mostly in regards to things with the Italian chaser.  Because let’s be honest, that’s exactly what we are – friends who sleep together.  I think..

We only seem to hookup once a month or so due to his busy schedule. We last got together after work one evening, going for dinner and then back to his to ‘relax’ naked.

Gay_Couple_togetherness_in_bed_01But it’s made me wonder if there were any rules of engagement (so to speak) for this sort of thing.

It’s been interesting and amusing reading ‘rules’ online, most of which are generally made up by the author themselves.  Though a few were downright impersonal.

One thing I noticed is that each of them drew the line between friends, FWB, and a relationship differently.. so maybe there isn’t a distinctive or comprehensive set of rules.

Emotional Attachments

The whole point of being in a friends-with-benefits situation is that it allows you the freedom to enjoy carnal desires with another person without worrying about the emotional needs of that other person. You can just bump uglies (so to speak lol) and get on with your lives, right?

But what if at some point will one or both of you develop an attachment to the other? Can you really have a sexual relationship with someone and maintain a cold, uncaring attitude towards them and their life?

Dinner & A Movie?

When meeting up with your FWB, should it solely be for sex or can you add in dinner, a movie or some other activity to your time together?  Or is that more of a date than just a shag?

The thing is if you were friends before the sex and not just a recurring hook-up, then I’d think other activities other than sex should happen as it would have anyway before you started sleeping together.

Public Persona

The difficult thing to figure out is how do you react to each other when out in social situations.

Man being comfortedDo you pretend you’re not having hot, sweaty monkey sex every couple weeks?  Do you flirt with each other as you usually do in private?  Or do you quietly suppress jealousy when they start flirting with someone else, while outwardly act like it’s no big deal.

It’s really hard when you’re used to being intimate with someone but feel like you can’t be affectionate with them amongst others.  Even if there’s nothing romantic between you, it can still be difficult to watch them flirt or go home with someone else.. or maybe that’s a sign that maybe a FWB situation isn’t for you.

Sharing Isn’t Always Caring

At what point are you over-sharing things with your FWB? It can’t only be about sex, right?  So maybe it’s good to chat occasionally, telling each other little things going on in your lives.  But at what point are you saying too much?

Not only are you pushing the boundaries between FWB and a relationship where you tell each other everything, you’re also running the risk of turning them off sexually. And let’s be honest, sex is the main reason for the two of you hanging out so maybe keep the details of your anxieties to yourself. It’s definitely not an aphrodisiac.

To Cuddle, Or Not To Cuddle…

In general, everyone loves a good cuddle.  It makes us feel better about ourselves, and it’s a great precursor to another hot session between the sheets. But is it too intimate or too romantic?

Men in Bed_thumb[7]Or perhaps it’s all about the connection between you and your own natural inclinations.  If you both normally cuddle afterwards, then what’s the harm?  It would feel odd to not cuddle afterwards if you didn’t.

I suppose in the end only you and your buddy can decide what the rules are, if any.  Best to keep things simple, light and most importantly, fun!

Here are a couple of other sites that wrote about this topic as well:

17 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Carlen Costa.

Rules for Friends with Benefits | Everyone Is Gay.

What’s a Date Again…

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I sometimes wonder if we as gay men have completely forgotten what it’s like to actually date.

You know, meeting for coffee, a meal, a movie, or whatever as a way to get to know someone new.  To see if there’s some kind of connection between you, and to see if maybe there’s a possibility of seeing each again.  Before jumping into bed together.

You know, things we USED to do to meet new guys.

But now it seems all anyone wants to do is hook up and play casually first as a way to see if there’s some connection there.. and then maybe see if you’re compatible emotionally or intellectually. Or however you gauge a potential mate.

Doesn’t it seem like we’ve turned things upside down?  Especially with the increasing use of online apps that basically take all the mystery away – gawd forbid you not send at least half a dozen naked shots upon saying hello.  LOL

Maybe it’s the old naive romantic in me that wishes things were like they used to.  I’ve always preferred to meet for a drink and a chat to get to know someone before even considering anything sexual.

But when I do suggest doing just that nowadays? Well, I must be crazy to even consider the idea!

2014-07-15-TCdatingOr I get accused of being a prude because I won’t immediately jump into bed with each headless profile that opens a conversation with a ‘hey’ and several close-up shots of their junk.

And you know what? I don’t care. I’m not going to change how I want to meet people just to satisfy someone else’s need to have loads of anonymous sex. I enjoy sex, but it’s not how I want to first meet people.. well, at least not usually. 😉

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being judgemental of any of those people who just have sex for the sake of having sex.  I’ve been there, done that.  I’ve just found that right now, that isn’t for me.

I don’t care what someone looks like naked before I agree to meet with them.  I don’t care how big their dick is, or how hairy their chest is, or even if they shave their balls or not.

I want to know the person behind the perfectly posed selfie they’ve chosen for a profile picture.  I want to know what makes them unique and special.  I want to have a conversation with someone that lasts more than a couple messages before agreeing to meet them.  I want to know what their interests are, and I don’t mean what they’re into in the bedroom either.

Interestingly I’d started this post back on Friday thinking maybe I needed to change my mentality when it comes to meeting new guys…

.. But then I had a date!  An honest to goodness actual date, where we met up at a coffee shop in Greenwich before heading over to a pub along the river.  It was nice that there didn’t seem to be any pressure to immediately jump into the sack, but instead it was all about getting to know each other.

holding-handsWas there an attraction between us?  Absolutely although he’s much too young for me (only 26!), but there was some mutual flirting throughout the evening.  In fact after we left the pub, he held my hand while we walked down the street to the bus stop.

Ahhhh… how sweet. 🙂

And for the kiss goodbye? It was a quick, chaste peck on the lips.. though we both admitted to each other later online that we’d both wanted a proper kiss. LOL

We’ve talked about meeting up again soon (he’d suggested today but remembered he’d already made plans with his flatmate), and I’m sure there’ll be some kissing involved this time..

All in all it was a lovely evening meeting someone new that brightened up my day.  Regardless whether it’s just a flirtation or not.

Things to do While Waiting for ‘Mr Right’

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It’s not easy being single these days.

It’s lonely, can lead to feelings of jealousy for those who’ve found someone, and in extreme circumstances, can lead to depression for some.

Most of this is due to the negative thoughts and ideas running around our heads as to why we’re still single, while it seems like everyone else around us are happily paired up.

Instead of sitting around waiting for that elusive ‘Mr Right’ (or ‘Ms Right’, depending on what you’re looking for lol), get out there and enjoy your life.  Cut the negative thoughts, get happy and start loving yourself and your single freedom.

Here’s a few things to do while you’re still single..

Start living in the now

Instead of daydreaming about your perfect partner and wasting your time wondering when they’ll show up, why not think about yourself?  Take stock of where you are in your life and where you want to go in the future.

man on beachWhat goals do you want to achieve over the next year or so?  Have you planned your next holiday?  Are there any old or distant friends you’d like to visit? Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance or the nerve to do so?

Being single means you can plan and do anything you want.  The world is out there waiting for you.  Why not get out there and enjoy it.

Love yourself

You are the one and only version of you that there will ever be in the world.  Your uniqueness and originality are part of who you are and everything you’ve achieved in your life.  Nobody else can make you feel as whole of a person as you already are, so why don’t you go ahead and love yourself?

There is nobody else out there in the world who can make you feel whole, or give you anything that you don’t already have in your life to lead a full, happy and fulfilling life.  Love who you are as a person, and what you contribute to the world around you.  Nobody else can give you that validation any better than you can yourself.

Love your freedom

They say that the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you’ll have with yourself.  When you’re single, you have the opportunity to do things for yourself that sometimes a partner wouldn’t be able to.  Be a bit selfish and treat yourself to something special. Enjoy this time to take care of yourself and do what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Stop the negative reinforcements

Self attackWhen we’re feeling down or lonely, it’s all to easy to start criticising ourselves in a negative fashion.  It could be calling ourselves names because we didn’t react well to something, or telling ourselves that there must be something wrong with us because we’re single or alone.

If you continue to do that, then you’re increasing the chances of making those negative thoughts become a reality as we attract what we put out in the world.  Change the tone and feeling, and you’ll improve your chances.

Don’t neglect your friends and family

Never forget how precious your friends and family are, because once you do find someone amazing to date, you may not have as much time to spend with them.  Instead take this time to plan things or organise a trip together.  Those closest to you are the foundation of your social life, so never take them for granted or let them fall by the wayside.

Try something new

We all say we need to get out of our ruts and try something different.  So, what are you waiting for?  This is the perfect opportunity to get out there and do those things you’ve always wanted to do but never could.  Life is all about building memories from the experiences in our lives, so go make some good ones.

Work towards some big goal

We all have goals in life, or at least dreams of goals we’d like to achieve.  So what’s holding you back from achieving them?  Maybe you’ve always wanted to publish a novel, or learn new language, or try your hand at the guitar, or take an interesting course to change careers, or anything else you can imagine yourself doing.

Write out the goal and set yourself a plan of action.. and then do a little bit of it every day.  Six months to a year from now, you never know where that little bit of extra will take you.

Be patient

Pretty much everyone out there (including you) has a story or two of the losers they’ve dated before they met someone special.  That’s because this whole dating game is a process, and there’s no way to bypass it.

single statusWe have to go through it to learn more about ourselves and possibly go through some heartaches or date a few weirdos in order to get to where we need to be to meet that special someone.

Be patient and allow yourself to go through the process.  It’ll be worth it in the end.

This post has been inspired by the article – The Number One Reason You’re Still Single on LifeHack.org.