Hopeless Romantic


Hopeless Romantic: A person who is in love with the idea of love.

Yeah, well I suppose I’ve been called worse things over the years.  :/

My major bone of contention in my personal life is my lack of a love life.  How the hell I’ve reached my mid-40’s and still have yet to have an actual relationship is beyond me. It’s something I’ve worried and stressed over way too often, and has become a bit of a bane to my singleton existence.

It’s something I’ve always been open to since I came out back in my early 20’s, and have watched with envy as those around me went from relationship to relationship like it was the easiest thing in the world.

But sometimes I have to wonder if perhaps I’ve overly romanticised the ‘idea’ of finding that special person and of being in love.  That I’m allowing myself to get stuck in the ‘fairy tale’ idea of being in a relationship.

And funnily enough, I’ve actually had friends say something similar to me in the past.

After more than two decades of just hookups, casual flings, and people never wanting to actually ‘date’ me, it’s hard not to get frustrated by it all. I know what I want and am more than willing to give things a try, but it generally ends only being one sided.  And me being left with an aching heart wanting more than that’s being offered.

I’ve lost track of how many guys I’ve spent time with over the years where we’ve really connected on a personal level, and not just sexually.  But when it came down to things perhaps becoming more serious (ie: boyfriends or a relationship), they would continually back off stating they only wanted something casual.

Some people have said that perhaps I should focus on other aspects of my life instead.  For instance, I may not where I’d like to be career-wise but if having a dream job doesn’t fulfil anything special for me why should I strive for it?

An oft repeated conversation with my partnered friends would be about how being in a relationship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  And how they couldn’t imagine what it’s like on today’s dating scene… but are in happy, committed relationships.  Apparently.

And these same people will occasionally imitate that maybe I’m getting my hopes up regarding finding a boyfriend, that I should just go out and have ‘fun’.  That perhaps I should ‘lower my standards’, and say ‘yes’ more to anyone who messages me regardless if I find them attractive.

The problem with this is how my brain interprets their words.. either they don’t think I’ll ever find love so should give up trying, or that I’m not all that attractive so shouldn’t hold my breath for anyone good looking to want to be with me.  That I basically shouldn’t get my hopes up.

I know.. my brain can be such a bitch sometimes.  😦

I’m no different than anyone else out there, regardless of how many relationships they’ve had in the past.  I have hopes and dreams for the future, and how I’d like to spend my life with someone special.  To stop being the only singleton at the party, or on holiday alone, or the only person in my family that isn’t in a relationship (and I have a big family on my mother’s side).

I don’t expect to fall in love with some Greek god, or the most beautiful man in the world because on top of being a hopeless romantic I’m also a bit of a realist.  I’m well aware that not a lot of guys will find someone like me attractive, regardless of how I view them.  I’m more interested in them as a person than whether they’ve got abs, the perfect smile, or some other superficial trait.

I also don’t expect for life to suddenly become ‘perfect’ with no issues or drama when I finally meet meet that special someone.  I know relationships take work and are sometimes harder than being single (and vice versa..), but that’s okay because I understand that and am willing to put in the work.

The issue I have is finding that someone to put the work in with me and build something together.  And I don’t know how much more open to that idea I can be when those around me aren’t.


Is it a Hookup or a Date?


Sometimes I honestly wish gay men came with instruction manuals.  Or at least a translator so you can truly understand what the hell they’re saying… and what they actually mean.

I’ve never been that lucky in love (don’t get me started…), and I always seem to have issues determining what a guy really wants from me.  Is he just after sex?  Does he want to get to know me more as a person?  Is this just a booty call, or is it a precursor to potentially something more?

And the most frustrating part is when you ask them point blank what they’re looking for and you still don’t know afterwards.

Now don’t get me wrong… I enjoy sex just like any other man out there, and have had the (*cough*) occasional hook-up but sometimes it truly is hard to figure out what a guy wants.

For instance, if you’re chatting with a guy online or on an app, and they keep saying how much they want to sleep with you or how hot they think you are, then you generally know if you’re meeting for a coffee that it’s probably just a precursor to having sex.  Or at least they’re trying to maintain a pretence of civility by meeting in person first.

But what about the guys that say they ‘want to get to know you better’ or they like you for ‘more than just sex’.  Does that mean they actually want to get to know you, maybe actually go on a date?  Or is that just ‘gay-speak’ for not wanting it to just be an anonymous shag?  So they can yell out the correct name during sex?

For some reason, it’s become more difficult of late to determine if someone just wants something casual or actually wants to go on dates.  Or they claim to want to just be friends, but then make the moves on you when out at the pub.

At what point do you draw the line?

It just seems in this day and age of casual hookups, open relationships and all these ‘dating’ apps, that most (single) gay men out there don’t seem willing to actually date any more, let alone be willing to commit to anything more.  They’d rather just ‘try before you buy’ – jump into bed with someone first, and then if the sex was any good they’ll decide if they want to find out more than just the other guy’s sexual preferences.

I’ve heard many guys proclaim that ‘love is dead’ or ‘romance doesn’t exist any more’, and that just makes me sad.  And I can’t help but wonder who the hell hurt them so bad that they’d give up on love.

As a society, we’ve become so damn non-committal about everything in our lives of late and not just about romantic relationships. It’s like we’re all afraid to commit to something just to find out later on it wasn’t worth it.

And sadly we’re all guilty of it too, just some more than others.

Who hasn’t tentatively agreed to plans with someone just to turn around and cancel or reschedule when something more interesting comes up?  Or cancelled that ‘date’ with the sort-of cute guy from the app when your crush calls up last minute wanting to ‘hang out’.

If only there was a way to cut through all the bullshit and just be honest with each other without any ulterior motives or worrying that we’ll hurt someone’s feelings.

Gawd forbid, huh?

Does that man you like want a hookup or a date? Learn 7 signs he’s looking for a hookup and not romance. Do you know these signs?

Source: 7 Obvious Signs He Wants to Hookup and Not Date

Dating Tips for the Gay Singleton


Whether you’re newly single or have been single for what feels like an eternity, getting back into the dating scene can seem intimidating.  Some seem to think that the second you become single that you should be immediately jumping on the apps or hitting the bars looking for your next relationship.

However there’s no set rule as to how long you should stay single before jumping back into it all.  Or even what you should do to get back out there.  Sometimes taking that time to be single and enjoy your own life can be beneficial, and your body/mind/soul will tell you when it’s time to get back in the game.

Now, I’m no expert on the dating scene – if I was, I probably wouldn’t be single myself LOL – but here are a few tips on how to put yourself out there and maybe actually enjoy it.

Don’t stress about it

characters-couple-happy-love-single-Favim.com-57296All too often when guys try to get back out there after a period of singledom, they tend to put too much pressure on themselves to ‘get it right this time’, so to speak.

Let’s be honest – dating can be awkward, uncomfortable or downright silly at times, and there’s no point adding pressure on yourself to ‘do well’ right out of the box.

If anything, you should be allowing yourself to just have some fun, see where things lead you, and not worry if it could end with a marriage proposal let alone a second date.

The more you stress over it, the more uncomfortable you’ll feel about the date and the more reluctant you’ll be to even bother trying.

Get out there and mingle

It’s never easy getting back out there on the scene, and one of the difficult things is figuring out where to meet new, interesting, compatible people who you might be interested in romantically.  And asking your mates if there’s someone to set you up with isn’t an option, as it could make them uncomfortable.

Instead, get yourself out there and mingle with people you wouldn’t normally meet on a regular Friday night at the local pub.  Perhaps joining a social group with a similar interest could open up a whole new world of people that you could relate to. And if you don’t meet anyone romantically, it’ll at least give you an opportunity to meet someone for a new friendship.

Speaking of new friends…

All too often, guys will go looking for a new romantic partner without allowing themselves to be open to a new friendships.  Not every new guy you’ll meet will be compatible romantically, so why would you limit your ‘search’ to just new romantic partners?

The best ideas for gay datesWhen going out on the scene again after a break, it’s inevitable that you’ll meet some amazingly interesting guys but there won’t be any romantic spark.  Or perhaps there’ll be guys you’ll meet you’ll initially be interested in but it doesn’t turn out.

No point just dropping them on the wayside, as you never know when you’ll meet that great new best friend.

And perhaps that might be the best approach to take, just looking for a new friend or two, and see where things lead.

Go out and have fun!!

Way too often, guys will plan dates as a way to make a good first impression on the other, and will make choices about the date with only that other person in mind.  Or they’ll act a certain way because they believe the other guy will like them more for that ‘first date persona’ than the real them.

Don’t allow the date to be more about one or the other person’s interests, but instead organise it around something you both enjoy.  Talk to each other during the planning stages to figure out some common interests and go from there.. even if it’s just going for a pint at a pub.

Learn from the rejections

Let’s be fair, not every date you’ll go on will be a home run.  And sometimes it’ll be bad, really bad, ending in you being rejected by the other guy.  And that is ok.  Rejection is part of life, especially when you’re out there trying to date, so why let it get you down?

Instead try to learn from it.  Accept the rejection for what it is – incompatibility – and a way to learn more about what you do want in a new partner.  The more you think on it, the less likely you’ll be to move forward and meet someone truly interesting.

This post has been inspired by — 5 Gay Dating Tips For Men Who’ve Been Long Term Single – Gay Pop Buzz


Biggest Relationship Mistakes


Whether you’ve been in a relationship or not, it’s pretty much common knowledge that they take a lot of work.  Regardless of the connection or commitment to each other, there will always been some issues that crop up, but it’s a matter of know how to best deal with them and move past them.

And sometimes it’s all about how you act towards your new partner.  So here are a few helpful tips.. but of course, each relationship is unique.

Going Too Fast

Let’s be honest.. the quickest way to turn off your potential new partner is to jump in too deep, too quickly.  Just because you had a fantastic time on your date and had a lovely good-night kiss (or even more amorous activities hehe), it doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever.  You have to let things happen naturally, you really can’t force things.

super intimateGoing Too Slow

On the other hand, if you take it so slow that your new partner starts to think you’re not interested, then you may end up losing them to someone new.  That’s not to say you should immediately become more physically or emotionally entangled, but at some point once that connection has been made, it’s best to move things along a bit.  Even if it’s just a small step at a time.  Whatever pace works for both of you.

Not Finding the Time

Life can be busy for all of us at times.  But if you’re not making an effort to find time for your significant other (or even dating itself), it makes the other person feel like they’re less important than other things in your life, and you’re bound to drift apart.  Relationships need time and effort to prosper, and if you can’t find time for your sweetie, then they won’t be your sweetie for long.

A Lack of Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t just about how you interact with each other, but how much outside intrusion you allow into your relationship.  Clear expectations need to be set for each other, including how much (or little) meddling you allow in, as well as boundaries with each other.

gay-17Taking Your Partner for Granted

In the beginning, we always go out of our way to make the other person feel important.. So where did that go?  Regardless if the relationship is new or you’ve been together for decades, always do something to make the other person feel special and don’t let the humdrum daily routine to take that away from you.

Trying to Change the Other Person

We all have certain expectations when it comes to our potential partners, and as long as you’re wiling to compromise to some degree then it’ll all go swimmingly.  But if you’re rigid in your ideals and continually try to make the other person fit into some mould that you ‘think’ is your ideal person, then you’re probably setting yourself up for failure in the long run.

Not Giving Your Partner Enough Space

Relationships are hard, and sometimes you each need to take some time apart.  Even if you don’t really want to.  Without being a mindreader, you need to keep an eye out for cues from your partner and just back off for a bit when they need a bit of space.  You can’t force togetherness 24/7, as even the happiest of couples need some time apart.  It’s healthy for both of you, as well as the relationship.

Having No Life Outside the Relationship

And off the back of that point, you can’t cut yourself off from your friends and loved ones from before you started the relationship.  And you can’t expect your partner to do that either.  It’s healthy to continue to have friends outside the relationship, even if they’re mutual friends.  And not just friends, but also maintain the interests and hobbies you had before.  You can’t stop being you just because you’ve found someone special.

And let’s be honest, sometimes you just need that best friend to talk to, as some topics may be a bit outside the boundaries with your new cutie.  😉

Looking -assesThis post has been influenced by the article –> 8 Biggest Relationship Mistakes | The Daily 8

How to Make Yourself More Dateable


Being single can really suck at times, and trying to navigate through the gay dating scene can seem almost like torture.  But yet we’re willing to be masochists and jump right back in, even when it seems like we’re not getting the results we’d like.

But are we actually letting the world make us believe that it’s our own fault that we’re single?  Well.. yes and no.  When you’re not making yourself available or open to opportunities, you’re not doing anything to change your situation.

Allow room for spontaneity in your life

We all have people in our lives that seem to be constantly busy, and are never up for anything last minute.  These guys tend to organise their lives so far in advance that you end up trying to find ways to fit yourself into their diary instead of just going with the flow.

Too many seem afraid to allowing spontaneity into their lives, as if it’ll make the world spiral out of control if the day isn’t perfectly organised.  If you don’t take the risk to get out there and put yourself in new or unplanned situations, then how do you expect to meet someone new?  Or if you can’t change your plans, why not invite your crush-du-jour to join you.. it’s a great way to see how they interact with your friends, and vice versa.

Be proud to be yourself

Dressing_for_success_tips_on_dressing_for_an_interview_330x330Let’s be honest – there are way too many fakers out there, with their perfect lives and fabulous vacations, which they’ll recount to no end to ensure you’re green with envy.

Seriously, what’s the point?  What do they truly expect to gain from hiding who they really are from a prospective new beau?  They’re setting themselves up for disappointment and heartbreak because they’re secretly afraid of being judged for who they really are.

Instead just be yourself from the start, goofy quirks and all.  Because in the end what you really want is someone who gets who you really are from the start, not some hyped up version of yourself you think others will like.  Don’t dim your own light around others, because the most valuable trait you can possess is your own authenticity.

Know your moral compass

Too often we’ll meet people who’ll try to sway us from our goals and focus in life, be it our dreams for the future, how we relate to others, or even how we choose to live our lives.  These goals are what fuel our drive and motivation, and we should never allow another person to judge us or bring us down based on their own limitations.

Basically it’s your life, and it’s the only one you’ve got to live.  So why not make a stand for who you are and what you believe in, instead of letting that new sexy guy over-ride your ideals and thoughts.  And when you enter the dating scene knowing what you want and look for, then you’re more likely to find someone compatible with similar morals in life.

To thine own self be true

dream big

We’ve all faced the feared question in job interviews – Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years? – and regardless of whatever corporate drivel you spew out to impress that prospective boss, what does it really matter if you’re not the man you want to be.

Too often we focus solely on improving our careers or material possessions instead of working on improving ourselves.  Why not take that extra energy and put it into your own life.  Improve who you are as a person, and in the long run that ‘career’ will find itself to the happier, more contented version of yourself because you’re actually ready for it.

Love yourself.. emotionally

We’ve all heard the cliché that you’ll never find someone special if you don’t already love and appreciate yourself.  And despite it being trite, it’s actually true.  So how do you expect to meet Mr Right when you’re projecting the idea that you’re undateable or not good enough?

You’re an awesome human being, and everyone around you knows it and loves you for you .. so why don’t you?  Stop being scared of loving who you are as a person and trust that others will appreciate it as well.  Let your positive light lead the moths to your flame.


Be good towards others

Part of life is we all make mistakes and no-one wants these broadcast to the world, so why is it we spend so much time shaming others when they screw up?  Who cares if someone did something wrong, or doesn’t fit into your perfect mould of how a man should act.  It’s probably not the end of the world (unless they’re some maniacal evil genius, obviously lol), so why not just laugh it off and focus on how the person makes you feel instead.

Stay focused

The best way to make a guy feel important and admire you for it is to give him your focus.  When you’re chatting with some cutie focus on him and what he’s saying, not on what’s going on around you or any possible messages you’ve receive on those dating apps.  Put away the mobile, stop staring at the exit to see who’s coming or leaving, and instead just truly listen to what he has to say.  It’ll make all the difference in the world.

Don’t live to work

Too many people put their careers before their personal lives, and in the end both tend to suffer for it.  How are you going to fuel your creativity or recharge your zest for life if you allow your work to overtake every other part of your life?  By ensuring you’re enjoying life itself, you’ll end up more satisfied in life and you’ll find you’re giving a visible value to your world.

Trust your instincts

brasil-gay-beachStop going dating with blinders on, because you’ll continue to miss on the crucial red-flags that’ll end with you in tears wondering why ‘Prince Charming’ doesn’t love you and turned into such a dick.

It’s crucial to be open-minded but not so naïve that you let the other guy walk all over you.  Be strong and courageous in your dating life, but don’t neglect your gut instincts.

You’ll be much happier for it.. and you’ll find your real ‘Mr Right’ in the end.

This post was inspired by: 10 Ways to Make Yourself More Dateable – GayGuys.com

Going Through A Dry Spell


At some point in all of our dating lives, we’ll go through a dry spell of sorts.  It’s different for every person, and everyone has their own idea of what constitutes one or what length of time it encompasses.  For some it’s about when they last had an actual date, and for others it’s when they last had a shag.

For me at the moment, it’s been about 4 months since I’ve met anyone for any sort of sexual fun, and even longer since I met someone single and interested in going on a date or whatever.  A very very long time…

At the moment, I’m becoming increasingly frustrated at how I’m not meeting any single guys.  Or at least any single guys I find attractive that actually want to get to know me for something other than just sex.

Oh who am I kidding, I’m not even meeting any attractive guys for just sex these days.  And the few messages I do get online are usually from guys I find ugly or physically repulsive.  That may be a bit harsh, but it is kind of true.

A mate of mine seems to think that I’m just being too picky at the moment when it comes to guys.  But why should I sleep with someone I’m not attracted to just for the sake of having sex?  Isn’t that just being indiscriminatingly slutty?

I think the main issue I’m having at the moment is that I’m not all that interested in sex just for the sake of getting laid.  Sure, I definitely miss it (who wouldn’t lol), but at the moment I’m more interested in meeting someone interesting who might want to go on a few dates or could potentially lead to some kind of relationship.

Of course the problem with that is, when meeting guys on the apps or at the bars, they’re usually just out for a bit of fun.  And sadly quite a few of them are in open relationships, so there’s no hope of anything more than just sex.

I suppose I’m just looking for something a bit different than just a roll in the proverbial hay.  So what’s a guy like me to do?  Go out on dates with guys I’m not attracted to just for the sake of saying I had a date?  Go spend an afternoon or evening at the sauna just to get laid?

I honestly don’t know.  What I do know is what I’m doing currently really isn’t getting me anywhere, so I need to change something.  Change the approach to things, or perhaps the scenery.  Or who knows.

Although I know I shouldn’t think this way, I do wonder if there is something about me that puts guys off from wanting to date me, or if there is something I’m putting out there that says ‘use me for sex and that’s it’.

I’m probably over-simplifying it and definitely overthinking it, but it’s hard not to think that way.  When the only guys who hit on you are unattractive (to me), unavailable, or just plain partnered, it’s hard not to get somewhat jaded about the whole idea of dating or meeting someone special.

Especially after close to 20 years of this.  And the longer this continues, the harder I think it’ll be for me to open my heart up to someone, as I’ll automatically assume they’re only after sex.

At times I think that perhaps I need to give up the ghost (and hope) of ever finding someone special.  That may seem defeatist and definitely negative, but that may be a more realistic approach to things.

And that would definitely suck, as I’m totally a romantic at heart and feel I have a lot of love to give.  I just wish I could find someone who’d be a willing recipient of it, while returning it in kind.

Because let’s be honest – as amazing as the love from dear friends and family is, platonic love can only take you so far.


6 Bad Signs You’re In A Good Relationship


It saddens and slightly sickens me how some people will always look for the negative in whatever positive things are occurring.

Point in fact is this article: 6 Bad Signs You’re in a Good Relationship

Although I think the author meant it all in a somewhat slightly humorous way, for me it came across a bit ‘wasn’t life more fun when you were single’. That being in a happy, healthy relationship is just plain boring.

I could just be reading too much into the article (it is a bit fluffy lol), but I’m more inclined to point out how the media and our own community seems to want to pigeonhole us all into a specific stereotype – sex-crazed, overly groomed, partying social butterflies.

Hell. Sometimes I WISH my life was as fun and interesting as they all make it sound like it should be. Lol

But I think it’s more the generalisations that, once in a happy stable relationship, that we’ll all become smelly, chubbier, ungroomed, lazy versions of who we ‘really’ are.

Personally, I think that’s a load of bollocks.

That’s like saying the ‘single’ version of ourselves is the real us and the ‘partnered’ version is fake.. Or vice versa if you’re looking at it the other way.

Sure, once in a good relationship most guys will put their partying days behind them and settle into coupledom. But that doesn’t mean they’ll become boring.

If anything it’ll give them more time for things that interest them (and presumably their partner) instead of spending most of their free time looking for sex/dates/boyfriends.

But then again, maybe that’s just my skewed view of what it’s like to be in a relationship…

sunset men

Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships


For anyone who knows me fairly well or for those who’ve been following my blog for some time now, you probably already know that I’m not the most confident person in the world.  In fact, I’m probably a lot more insecure than I really should be.

I can’t help but feel insecure about myself, regardless of the situation I’m in.  This insecurity has always been there and has affected every part of my life, and usually ends up with me unintentionally getting down on myself because I can’t perceive why others would want to interact with me.

It’s admittedly sad, but true.  And sometimes I can’t help myself.  It rears it’s ugly head when I least expect it, usually when I’m feeling particularly happy or content in my life, and I end up back on a downward spiral to usual semi-depressed self.

It’s something I definitely need to work on.  And hopefully the below pointers, courtesy of the original article on Marc and Angel Hack Life (link at bottom of page), will help me move past this insecurity.

At some point.

You can’t read their minds

thinkingLet’s be honest, we all do it.  We take what people say or do and try to interpret what they actually mean, guessing what that other person is thinking or feeling.  When you do this, you open yourself up to misreading what they mean and opening up that can of insecurity, which can eventually lead to stress or depression if not hampered.

Ultimately you should just mean what you say, and say what you mean.  And at the same time, just take what people say at face value until they prove you otherwise through their later actions.  If someone says they really care for you but then goes off with someone else for a bit of ‘fun’, only then should you start to question how they truly feel about you.

But don’t overthink it, cause then you’ll just end up in the same place if you’d misinterpreted what they’ve said.

Nobody’s perfect

We’re all flawed human beings, and it’s those flaws that make us interesting and who we are as people.  But unfortunately, too many of us spend our lives looking for that ‘perfect’ person to complete us, and that’s just hopeless as it doesn’t exist.  If you carry on like this for too long, it could eventually drive you mad and make you feel even more insecure than you already were because you’ve spent all your time questioning why you can’t find that ‘perfect’ person.

Ultimately you want to find someone who will balance out your own flaws, or perhaps compliment them.  Someone who gets you for being you, and doesn’t expect you to be something you’re not.

Leave the past in the past

thinking_of_you_by_eyeramfosTo be fair, we’ve all gained baggage of some sort as we’ve moved through life, but if you continue to let those past experiences colour your current relationship or friendship, then it is doomed to fail.  You’ll continue to allow yourself to be pulled into the same negative relationships or behaviours that caused your previous relationship to fail.

When you meet someone new, enjoy them for who they are, not for who your ex was or how your ex behaved.  Don’t let yourself be pulled into a never ending circuit causing your relationship to fail because you respond defensively to anyone who gets close to you, and you could possibly be causing them to act in the way you expect them to act based on that past relationship.

Break the cycle and move towards something new.

Some problems only exist in your head

Too often insecure people will make themselves unnecessarily anxious by inventing problems in their head, and lead themselves down the road to self-sabotage, be it intentionally or unintentionally.  We will overthink situations and deceive ourselves with negative thoughts, which can only lead you to ignoring what’s right in front of you – the truth.

This is never a good thing, as it will cause your relationships to suffer.  By overthinking things and not realising your own self-worth, you could be unintentionally pushing away those who actually care for you, and potentially missing out on some amazing friendships or relationships.

Don’t freak out, and don’t let it overrun you.  Just relax, take a moment to breath and honestly contemplate the situation.  In the end you’ll be able to honestly understand that the problem only exists in your head, and isn’t actually happening in life.

Stop being a negative-Nancy

Regardless of how things are going at any particular time, don’t let yourself fall into the trap of always focusing on the negatives or on the things you don’t like about your relationship.  If you do, you’ll constantly be missing out on the great things that occur and on the opportunity to be genuinely happy with your life.


No relationship is perfect, and you shouldn’t expect it to be.  There will always be ups and downs, and when it’s down you can’t allow yourself to colour the entire thing with your negativity.

You have to appreciate the people around you for who they are, and celebrate their good qualities, those that make you realise how amazing they are.  That appreciation can only lead you to somewhere good and fulfilling.

Click here to read the original article –> 5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships.

Common Relationship Mistakes Gay Men Make


A friend of mine posted a link to this article on Facebook awhile back, and it got me thinking that as gay men we need to start taking our relationships more seriously.  gay couple on beach

However, I’m in no way stating this is the end all be all of gay relationships as that is too generic and all encompassing statement.

Each relationship is different and unique, and one simple list of supposed ‘rules’ could never encompass every relationship.  And some relationships work just fine the way the are, but wouldn’t work for another couple because of the individual needs of those involved.

Click HERE for the original article

We all want to have a great relationship regardless of our orientation but some of us just don’t know how to keep one.  Or is that just a myth about gay relationships?

According to the article, here are the common ‘mistakes’ gay men supposedly make in their relationships (click the link above to get the original author’s take on these items.. below are my own).

Open Relationships

Personally looking at it from a single person’s point of view, I do find it somewhat greedy of these partnered guys to always be out on the prowl for some fun.. It makes it harder (I find) to find other singles who’d potentially want to date or more if there’s an attraction when it seems 2 out of 3 profiles online are partnered guys.

threesomeIt truly saddens me that this is so prevalent in our community.  Whatever happened to being happy with the person you’re with?  Or is the adage about gay men constantly being on the lookout for someone better, cuter, sexier, better in bed, etc true?  I know there are gay couples out there who are truly monogamous, but am I the only one who thinks that’s more of a minority than it should be?

I understand that open relationships do work for some couples depending on whatever their circumstances are or what ground rules they’ve put in place for each other.  However by being so open it can open your relationship to certain problems like falling in love with someone else, bringing home an STI, or perhaps even a breakdown of the relationship itself.  I’m in no way being judgmental of anyone in a happy (?) open relationship, this is just my take on it.


Whether you’re in a relationship or not, this is always a killer.  I know, as I’ve been told several times that I come across too needy when I find a guy I like even just a little bit.  Even when I try extra hard to keep myself in control sometimes..

clingyOf course for me I believe it’s because I’ve never been in an actual relationship so I subconsciously try to move things towards what I want instead of just enjoying things for what they are.  I try to, but fail miserably.  LOL

I suppose this is all about being independent in your relationship and ensuring you maintain your own voice without losing yourself in the relationship.  I can imagine it could be quite easy to become completely submissive to another’s ideas of how things are going to go without making your own ideas known.  It’s all about maintaining your own life and identity without completely submersing yourself in the relationship, regardless of how far along it is.


I honestly thought it was a healthy thing to have constructive arguments in a relationship?  I would think that as long as you can each make your point about something while always being willing to actually listen to the other person’s point of view, that this would be a good thing in a relationship, as no two people will always agree 100% about everything in their relationship.Self attack

Of course saying that, I think this is more about not sweating the small stuff and regularly having a big blown up shouting match over something that truly doesn’t matter.  And definitely don’t say things you’ll regret later on, as this will just make things worse in the long run.  Words hurt and can sometimes cut deeper than actions.

Being with someone for comfort (money, favours, apartment, etc)

Ahhh.. the good old ‘gold-digger’ and ‘sugar-daddy’ scenario.  I know it still happens in this day and age, but is it really that big a deal in breaking up gay relationships?

I would think this is more about ensuring you’re both equals in the relationship, both personally and financially.  Sure, one person may earn more money than the other, but as long as it’s not held over the other’s head or used as a lever to gain their own way, it shouldn’t be that big a factor in a relationship.  Be with each other because you love each other, not because of some need for financial stability.

Going to the club together

I can see why the original author put this on the list, as going out together could potentially lead one or both guys to temptation.  But is there really anything wrong with wanting a night out clubbing once in awhile with your partner and possibly some friends?

img_0022Gay bars and clubs have become a massive part of how we socialise as gay men, though I do agree it’s not a great place for some quality time with your partner.  For that, do something special for just the two of you obviously.

Of course it all depends on your relationship and what sort of trust level there is between you.  If you’ve got a partner who’s known for his roving eyes (and hands and other parts…), then of course a night at the clubs wouldn’t be a good idea as you’d constantly be wondering who’s he’s checking out.. or chatting up while you’re at the bar or in the toilet.

Putting your relationship status on Facebook

Really?  Is this really such a massive problem in relationships, gay or otherwise?  I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with letting your friends know you’re in a relationship (though if they’re truly your friends, they shouldn’t need Facebook to find this information out).

I can understand how this could be potentially harming to a relationship when one is pushing the other to change their Facebook status, but that’s more down to the other person potentially not being ready to commit or display that commitment.  Some guys are just more private with those sort of things, and shouldn’t feel pressure to do otherwise.

Not allowing your boyfriend to go out with friends

Now this I definitely agree with 100%.  There’s nothing worse than a possessive boyfriend who wants you to spend all your free time with them.  Each person in the relationship should be able to maintain their own lives, as well as a life with each other.  You don’t have to be joined at the hip all the time, and just like with several of the above areas, it’s all about mutual trust.

Let’s be honest, no matter how good your relationship is, sometimes you just want some time with your mates without your partner.  And that’s healthy I think.  Too often people get into a new relationship and tend to drop all their old mates or stop keeping in touch.  Even when you’re in a relationship you still need your friends to be there for you, and vice versa.  Friends are friends, regardless of your relationship status

Happy ‘Make-Single-People-Feel-Bad-About-Themselves’ Day


Yeah.. that doesn’t sound bitter at all, does it? 😉

Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, the one day of the year when you’re supposed to make a bit of extra effort with your sweetheart to show them how you feel.

Historically, according to Wikipedia:

The day was first associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines”)

kissing in rain2And here we all thought the day was created by Hallmark. 😉

So.. what about those of us who don’t have a sweetheart, who are completely and utterly (and feels like, eternally) single?

  1. Do you scramble to find a date of some sort, just so you don’t have to be alone on this fake ‘holiday’?
  2. Or do you spend it at home alone complaining to your friends how alone you are?
  3. Or do you spend the day with friends forgetting the actual existence of the ‘holiday’ and just enjoying their company?

Ok, I’ll admit it.. I generally spend more time doing No 2 than No 3, which ideally I would love to be doing.  If it wasn’t for the fact that my few close friends all have partners/boyfriends/husbands/etc, and those that don’t seem to live too far away to hang out with for an evening (I’m talking other countries, not just out of town).

The closest I’ve ever had anything remotely ‘romantic’ occur on the fabled February 14th is a few years back when the guy I was casually seeing broke things off on Valentine’s Day cause he thought I was getting too attached.

Oh…  I did get a text today from my fuck-buddy this morning wishing me a ‘Happy Valentines Day’… to which I responded his husband is his Valentine, not me.  He tried to say the day was celebrating love in general, including friendships (which is a lovely sentiment..), but I shut him down anyway quoting the above Wikipedia fact.

Yeah I know, he was just trying to be sweet, and I do appreciate it.  It’s just with him, I’m afraid he’s gotten too attached Single on VDay(Click HERE for post about that situation) and I don’t want to encourage him any further.

To be honest, I’ve never had a date on this day.. not even a shag (I think..).  To me, it’s another way for those smug partnered people to look down at those of us who are unable to find someone to spend their lives with.  As if we’re somehow defective.

I think the funniest blog I’ve seen about today so far has to be on The Oatmeal (Click HERE to read the post).  The cartoons are quite cute and made me chuckle, but in the end it was the ‘advice’ given to us singletons that I enjoyed.  It said:

If Valentine’s Days means so little to you, then I politely ask you to shut the hell up and treat it like another day. 

OR go have a sexy adventure rumpous with someone who smells nice.

VDay blah blahYep.. either shut the fuck up and stop whining about your love life, or at least go get laid so you’ll be too busy to complain.

Hmm… think maybe it’s time to take a bit of that advice for myself.

Let’s just hope it’s the second part of the message that occurs.  😉