Dating Tips: Appearing More Confident

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Regardless if you’re gay, straight, or somewhere in between, dating can be hard as hell.

Just the act of putting yourself out there in the hopes that someone might show an interest is a huge step forward, and sometimes working past that fear of rejection can eat away at your confidence.

Even if we don’t always admit it to ourselves, we all know that it’s natural to be somewhat nervous and excited at the same time about meeting someone new.  It’s all about stepping out into the unknown and not letting your nerves get the best of you.

But what steps have you taken to move past that in order to show that truly amazing person you know is lurking deep down?  How do you get past those nerves and give a strong first impression?  How do you act or react?

Like anything in life, if you can come across as confident in yourself and carry yourself well, then that’ll go a long way to attracting a potential mate.

And hopefully make that date you’re on go really well.  As well as any other area of your life.

Posture Matters

Body language is probably the biggest thing that can make or break a first date.  If you’re sitting there slumped over with your chin drooping towards your chest, then you’re making it look like you’re not interested or couldn’t care if this new person even likes you.

Instead, use your posture to show you’re interested in the other person.  Standing up straight says to the world that you’re present, and that you’re approaching the situation with strength and purpose.

Let your face communicate for you

Part of the way your date will determine if you’re interested or willing to engage with them is by watching your facial reactions during your conversation.  You want your face to project openness, honestly, friendliness, positive and an aura of being approachable. You want them to think of you as emotionally present and cute.

But if you don’t even smile at your date or be engaging, then it’s extremely unlikely the date will end well.  This isn’t a ‘fake it until you make it’ situation either, as that’ll come across as false and possibly make your date want to run to the hills.

Eyes wide open

Along with giving good face per above, you also need to learn how to establish good eye contact.  You can be as smiley as you want to be, but if you’re avoiding eye contact or if that gorgeous smile isn’t reaching your eyes, then your date will know something is up.

At the same time though, don’t take it to the other extreme and end up staring at them the entire night, as that’s just darn creepy!

Instead, learn how to gaze at the other person, and ensure you’re looking directly at them (preferably in the eye) to show you’re actually listening to and interested in what they’re talking about.  And when he cracks some cheesy joke that makes you laugh anyway, make sure you smile with your eyes as well.

Lean into them

Now, this isn’t to say you should drape yourself all over your date – well, unless it’s one of those dates *wink, wink* – but you should still use your body language to show your interest in the other person.  Be willing to lean forward slightly as they speak to you, nodding as they speak.

But be careful not to get too familiar too soon and invading your date’s person space.  It’s one thing to be flirty, but another to be leaping into their lap when they’ve just said hello.

Handshake, kiss on the cheek or a hug

On top of everything above, when you’re first meeting someone new, you also need to decide how you’re going to greet them.  Would a handshake seem too impersonal and send the wrong, unromantic signals?  Or is a kiss on the cheek or a brief hug too intimate?

Perhaps it also matters where you’re meeting on this date.  If you’re just meeting at a random cafe or pub, then perhaps a handshake would be more appropriate than a friendly hug or kiss.  But then again, it would also depend on your own comfort levels in showing affection in public.

(Clearly wouldn’t suggest a full on make-out session.. unless the date goes really well of course.  Haha)

In the end, a date of whatever sort is supposed to be fun and interesting, so why not put your best face forward to get things off to a brilliant start.  Use your nerves and that exciting feeling to your advantage, and just enjoy yourself.

This post was inspired by – Gay Dating: 5 Tips For Appearing More Confident – Gay Pop Buzz

Digital Dating – Tips for Your Online Profile

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In this day and age, it’s rare to find anyone who’s actively looking for dates, mates or anything in between who doesn’t have an online profile of some sort.  Hell, most partnered or married guys I know have one as well (joys of open relationships..).

No matter what you’re looking for – casual dates, random hook-ups, something more long term – there’s something to be said about how you present yourself online.  Your online profile is like your calling card, and if you leave it blank or too vague, then you may not get the results you’re looking for.

I don’t think there’s an exhaustive list of ‘Do’s and Don’ts’ when it comes to all this, but it doesn’t hurt to bear a few things in mind when creating your online presence.  It’s all about giving a brief, general snapshot of yourself to get someone interested.

Put a clear profile photo

The whole point of a profile picture is to determine compatibility and whether you’re attracted to the other person.  If you’re not willing to show who you are, then why the hell are you even online to begin with?

awkwardAdmittedly, it could be the situation where the person isn’t out for whatever reason and is afraid if they’re found online they could lose their job, family, or any other things.  Or perhaps they’re married/partnered and only online looking for a bit of fun on the side, and they’re afraid their ‘honey’ will catch them (run away.. run far far away..).

But then there are those who’ll refuse to put up a pic or even sent one once you’re chatting, but insist that you should meet.  At your place because they can’t host (or be seen with a man in public..).  All without you know what they look like.

Sounds like a recipe for trouble.

Know and disclose your status

It’s astounding how, in this day and age of awareness, that there are still guys out there who don’t know their HIV status and don’t do anything to find out.  It may not be ‘fun’ getting yourself tested, but isn’t that better than suddenly finding out you’ve been infected and have no clue when or how?

Not only that, but there seems to be this ignorant stigmatism that anyone who’s HIV+ is somehow ‘unclean’.  It’s not like it’s something you can wash away with a  vigorous shower.  And let’s be honest, you’re more likely to get infected by someone who doesn’t even know their status than someone who’s aware, on meds, and probably has a low/non-existent viral load because of it.

And if you don’t want to date someone who’s positive?  Well, then don’t.  Just don’t be an uneducated idiot by using the word ‘clean’.

Preferences don’t allow racial profiling

grindrEvery guy out there has an idea or fantasy of what their perfect guy looks like, and for many that can include their potential partner’s race or ethnicity.  Who hasn’t seen profiles with ‘No Blacks/Asians/Arabs/etc’ on them.  And all that’s doing is limiting yourself to your own prejudices.

Types can change over time.  And just because you hadn’t previously had experiences with someone from a certain ethnicity, it doesn’t mean that you won’t in the future.  And to specifically put that on your profile, then you’re just showing how closed minded you can be.

And on that note….

‘Masc4Masc Only’ or ‘No fats, no femmes’

Once again, regardless how much you may say this is your preference, but to someone reading you profile it could be a blow to their self-esteem.

images11One of the great things about life these days is there are no set rules for what is masculine or how a man should act.  Life is quite gender fluid, even if it’s within your own gender.  It’s buying into and reinforcing those gender stereotypes we’ve all fought so hard to get past.

And though you might say it’s not your problem, by being dismissive and bitchy towards someone you may not be physically attracted to just reinforces the body-shaming issues they may already be dealing with.

If someone you’re not attracted to gives you a compliment, then just politely accept it and move on.  Simple.

Don’t massage the figures

We’ve seen it.. guys who lie on their profiles about their age, weight, height, or even their cock size all in fear of being rejected.  However, what’s the point?  All that’ll happen is you’ll end you being rejected for lying about any of those things, and not the item you had issue with itself.

If there’s something you’re afraid guys will judge you on, then why not just omit it to begin with?  If it’s something that comes up in conversation down the line, then you can choose whether you want to reveal the information.

And along the same lines, what’s the point of using a photo taken several years ago that no longer looks anything like you?  All you’re doing is setting yourself up for awkwardness later on and possible rejection.

In the end the best thing to do is just be honest, project a positive outlook on life, and ultimately just be yourself.  Because after all, it’s the real you want them to fall for.

This post has been influenced by — Five things no gay man should put on their dating app profile

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Dating Tips for the Gay Singleton

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Whether you’re newly single or have been single for what feels like an eternity, getting back into the dating scene can seem intimidating.  Some seem to think that the second you become single that you should be immediately jumping on the apps or hitting the bars looking for your next relationship.

However there’s no set rule as to how long you should stay single before jumping back into it all.  Or even what you should do to get back out there.  Sometimes taking that time to be single and enjoy your own life can be beneficial, and your body/mind/soul will tell you when it’s time to get back in the game.

Now, I’m no expert on the dating scene – if I was, I probably wouldn’t be single myself LOL – but here are a few tips on how to put yourself out there and maybe actually enjoy it.

Don’t stress about it

characters-couple-happy-love-single-Favim.com-57296All too often when guys try to get back out there after a period of singledom, they tend to put too much pressure on themselves to ‘get it right this time’, so to speak.

Let’s be honest – dating can be awkward, uncomfortable or downright silly at times, and there’s no point adding pressure on yourself to ‘do well’ right out of the box.

If anything, you should be allowing yourself to just have some fun, see where things lead you, and not worry if it could end with a marriage proposal let alone a second date.

The more you stress over it, the more uncomfortable you’ll feel about the date and the more reluctant you’ll be to even bother trying.

Get out there and mingle

It’s never easy getting back out there on the scene, and one of the difficult things is figuring out where to meet new, interesting, compatible people who you might be interested in romantically.  And asking your mates if there’s someone to set you up with isn’t an option, as it could make them uncomfortable.

Instead, get yourself out there and mingle with people you wouldn’t normally meet on a regular Friday night at the local pub.  Perhaps joining a social group with a similar interest could open up a whole new world of people that you could relate to. And if you don’t meet anyone romantically, it’ll at least give you an opportunity to meet someone for a new friendship.

Speaking of new friends…

All too often, guys will go looking for a new romantic partner without allowing themselves to be open to a new friendships.  Not every new guy you’ll meet will be compatible romantically, so why would you limit your ‘search’ to just new romantic partners?

The best ideas for gay datesWhen going out on the scene again after a break, it’s inevitable that you’ll meet some amazingly interesting guys but there won’t be any romantic spark.  Or perhaps there’ll be guys you’ll meet you’ll initially be interested in but it doesn’t turn out.

No point just dropping them on the wayside, as you never know when you’ll meet that great new best friend.

And perhaps that might be the best approach to take, just looking for a new friend or two, and see where things lead.

Go out and have fun!!

Way too often, guys will plan dates as a way to make a good first impression on the other, and will make choices about the date with only that other person in mind.  Or they’ll act a certain way because they believe the other guy will like them more for that ‘first date persona’ than the real them.

Don’t allow the date to be more about one or the other person’s interests, but instead organise it around something you both enjoy.  Talk to each other during the planning stages to figure out some common interests and go from there.. even if it’s just going for a pint at a pub.

Learn from the rejections

Let’s be fair, not every date you’ll go on will be a home run.  And sometimes it’ll be bad, really bad, ending in you being rejected by the other guy.  And that is ok.  Rejection is part of life, especially when you’re out there trying to date, so why let it get you down?

Instead try to learn from it.  Accept the rejection for what it is – incompatibility – and a way to learn more about what you do want in a new partner.  The more you think on it, the less likely you’ll be to move forward and meet someone truly interesting.

This post has been inspired by — 5 Gay Dating Tips For Men Who’ve Been Long Term Single – Gay Pop Buzz

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Dating and the Fat Man

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The other day I was surfing around a site sent to me by my fellow blogger Ivan (ivansblogworld.wordpress.com), and the below article title caught my eye.

7 Struggles of Dating When You’re a Fat Gay Man – Gay Pop Buzz

YES!!  I’m not the only one who finds it a struggle!  Maybe this would be the article that would truly get me.

Quick recap – I’m a 43 year old fat gay man who’s never been in an actual relationship.  I’ve only ever dated guys casually for a bit before they would claim I was getting ‘too attached’ and only wanted something casual.. which usually ended with them having a new boyfriend within about 6 months.

So.. I opened this article hoping to gain some mutual insight into what I’ve gone through in my dating life.  That it was going to be validation for all the years I’ve felt marginalised for whatever reason.  And as I read the first couple of lines I thought I’d found a kindred spirit as there were a lot of similarities.

fat-manBoy… could I have been even more WRONG!!!

The more I read, the more I realised this wasn’t me or my experiences.  Instead, this was someone who’s allowed himself to become so dismissive of himself, his weight, and the gay community that he’s allowed his negativity to feed into his own fat-shaming.

It was to the point where he was obsessive about it.  And he was absolutely adamant that this was the truth for all chubby gay men out there.

Well, No.  His experiences sure as hell haven’t been mine.

So based on his article, I’d like to give my experiences over the years and how I’m feeling.  These aren’t facts or anything other than my observations, and I would never allude that anyone else should feel exactly the same.

Smaller Target Audience

I learned after a few years (and a bit of heartbreak) that there really is a smaller target for bigger guys like me, regardless of what type of guys I found physically attractive… and it sure as hell wasn’t other bigger guys like me (lesbian bears, as I like to call them haha).

At first I thought, because of my own fat-shaming, that I’d have to settle for whomever was willing to have sex with me.  That I was truly ugly and unattractive, so I’d have no real choice in the matter.  But then I found the bear community and the chasers… and I was meeting some pretty gorgeous guys.  And who’d complain about that?  😉

Loneliness is best served cold.. with gravy

Like probably a lot of people out there who have weight issues, I tended to turn to food as compensation when I was feeling down or bad about something.  It was an instant gratification while trying to justify my bad food choices.

Who munches on celery sticks when they’re feeling down?  LOL

Fat_ManBut this is something I’ve recently started working on, mostly because I was starting to feel like my weight had gotten out of control (partly due to quitting smoking I think).  I’m taking it day by day to ensure I’m making good food choices and pairing it was regular exercise (walking part way to/from work).

It’s only been about 2 weeks, but I’m feeling good about it and need to keep it going.

I’m one hell of a hermit

I don’t think I’ve used my weight as an excuse not to go out and be social.  Instead I’ve allowed my laziness to justify why I’ll spend a weekend at home having a Netflix marathon alone.

I think my hermit-ism is more due to my own feelings of being left out by people, and not taking the issue in hand to do something about it (see previous post).  I know there are places I can go and potentially run into someone I know (KA in Soho for instance), but I’ll let my laziness to justify why it’s a waste of time spending an hour travelling into town on the ‘chance’ of meeting someone I knew.  Or someone new.

And that’s not good.

I do alright, sexually.. sometimes

I know I sometimes moan about how I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like to, or even as much as I used to a few years ago.  But at no point have I ever said it’s because I’m fat.  Sure that may limit my possibilities, but it shouldn’t ever stop me.

And no, unlike the original article’s author, I have never paid for sex.  Fuck no.

Instead I know my lack-luster love life is down to my own laziness and not putting myself out there as much as I used to.  If I’m sitting at home all the time, how am I going to meet someone one new and exciting?  Sure, there are the dating apps, but mostly I’m only going to get the same group of guys within my immediate area.

naked-men-in-bedA compliment is a compliment

I’ve never been that great at accepting compliments from guys, mostly due to my own low self-esteem.  Usually I’d just assume they were saying these things just so they could have sex with me (and some of them might have been..).

But I think I’ve done well to get past that somewhat and accept a compliment for what it is.  And if the other person isn’t being sincere, then that’s on them.  I’m not going to spend my precious time over-thinking everything a guy says to me just to figure out if it’s real or not.

We’re homophobic towards each other

I’ve been living out and proud for over 20 years now, and it still never astounds me how much as a community we put ourselves down by ostracising our own sub-sects or stereotypes.

no fatWho hasn’t been to a Gay Pride and watched as all the muscular pretty boys in their little hot-pants get all the cheers and catcalls, while anyone who doesn’t fit that ‘society-approved norm’ basically gets ignored.

However I won’t allow that to affect how I feel about myself.  I go to Pride most years and have a laugh, usually ending up at the bear bar drinking in the streets with everyone else.  And I just get on with my life without allowing other people’s perceptions of who they think I am stop me from having fun.

Never assume to know someone

True, I look like the stereotypical little bear, but that doesn’t mean you know who I am based on someone you’ve known in the past who has a similar look.  Or that because I’m above a certain age with a bit of grey in my beard that I must be a ‘daddy’.  Or that because I’ve attended several naturist parties that I’d be interested in going to an orgy.

It’s all bullshit.  Not one aspect of my life wholly defines me as a person.

BUT…. if I’m being truly honest, I’ve been just as guilty of it as anyone else.  I would see some pretty, young ‘twink’ and immediately think they must be a self-absorbed, fashion-obsessed, obnoxious airhead.  Or that some beefy, muscled out gym-bunny must be dumb as a bag of hammers.  And so forth.

Sadly, this is something we all have to struggle with on a daily basis.  We’ve grown up buying into the stereotypes just as much as we’ve been fighting to get past them, and sometimes still treat people of similar backgrounds as gay clones.


So… what now?

Well, not much really.

It’s not like I wrote this to work through some issue or to justify my actions.  It was more of an exercise to prove that not everyone’s experiences are the same, no matter how many factors you may have in common.

CarrotHowever I do think it’s helped show me that, although my dating life is pretty stagnant at the moment, it truly hasn’t been all that horrible.  That despite never having that relationship I’ve always wanted, I still have met some amazing guys – and yes, some assholes too – that have made the journey so far worth it.

Yeah, shocking as it is, I’m actually feeling somewhat positive about my dating past and the potential for the future.  And that it’s just a matter of getting my lazy ass out there again. LOL

Source: 7 Struggles of Dating When You’re a Fat Gay Man – Gay Pop Buzz

A Dating Dry Spell

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I’m not sure what’s changed, but I’ve found my dating life going through yet another dry spell these days.  I’m sure this is normal for most people, and it sure as hell isn’t the first time it’s happened to me, but I can’t help but wonder if sometimes there’s something I’m doing that causes these recurrent episodes.

Now I’ll be honest – sometimes it’s hard to separate my dating life with my sex life, because occasionally they’re not mutually exclusive.  I admit that a shag doesn’t necessarily constitute a date, and a date doesn’t always end in a shag.

But of course there are always exceptions to this.  😉

turkish kissFor me, things seemed to be going fairly well after I moved to my current flat, and they definitely picked up (sexually) once I returned from Gran Canaria back in November.  After spending most of a year of feeling sexually frustrated, it was a nice change.

The best part was that I was going out more often.  I was usually out on a Friday night (and some Saturday nights too), which is a huge help when trying to meet new guys.  Not that there were many of them, but at least I was meeting a few new guys here and there.

I only had a small handful of dates during that time, none of which lead anywhere other than sometimes the bedroom for a one-off romp, but at least it was something.

But something changed after the New Year.  Suddenly, I was spending most weekends at home alone.  The invitations to socialise died out, and any attempts on my part to drum up interest to do something were met with either disinterest (or so it seemed) or the classic ‘I’m busy’ and ‘I’ve already got plans’ responses.

And both my sex and dating lives ground to a complete halt.

I’m sure there’s all sorts of things that could contribute to this current dry spell, some of them my own doing and some from others.  Or perhaps there’s something I’ve been unknowingly putting out there that’s putting guys off.

I’m not saying that the past couple of months have been complete no-sex zones, but it’s been so far and few in between that it might as well have been.  There’s been many times where I’ve been chatting to a guy about meeting up, and just as it seems it’s going to happen they end up pulling out (no pun intended) at the last minute.

Annoying, for sure.

I have had a couple dates with one guy who lives locally to me.. and by dates I mean actual dates, where we met up for drinks or dinner and talked to each other.  And didn’t have sex (though there was a bunch of kissing and cuddles on the second date…).

IMG_0302But unfortunately that’s as far as it’s gone, and that was probably about a month ago.  There’s been no third date as of yet, despite us regularly chatting online.  I’ve tried suggesting things here and there, but he’s out of town a lot on the weekends and works long hours during the week.. meaning it doesn’t leave much time to meet up.

He’s a lovely man and I do want to see him again, but I’m unsure if it’ll actually go anywhere.  There didn’t seem to much of a mad, crazy, sexy, tear-off-your-clothes passion between us, but perhaps that was because I was purposely trying to take things a bit slower that I normally do and not jump right into bed with him.  For once.

You know, actually get to know the man before I got to ‘know’ the man.  LOL

I don’t know… Sometimes I wish I could just maintain that care-free attitude I had after my holidays and see what fun I could get up to.. even if it’s not ‘fun’ that I’m wanting in my life.

Or perhaps I need to stop hoping for more than what’s on offer at the moment.

Time will tell I suppose.

Struggles of Being a Nice Gay Guy

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Who hasn’t heard one of their painfully single friends moan about how there’s no ‘nice guys’ out there anymore?  That all they seem to meet in today’s gay digital hook-up culture is a load of selfish guys with superiority complexes, or at least trying to aspire to have one instead of the natural disposition they were born with.

And for someone who identifies as a ‘nice guy’ it can be quite hard when you’re submerged in that selfish culture.  As a non-alpha male, it’s difficult to get ahead in life and relationships without having to put aside who we truly are.

The struggle is real, people.  😉

We find what we want in those aren’t willing to offer it

Most of us have just accepted that it’s part of life that we’ll eventually become hurt, disappointed, taken advantage of or even lied to when it comes to finding love, and because of this we’ve build up barriers around our hearts to distance ourselves.  A pattern of disconnection, if you will.

Unfortunately, nice guys continue to see the best in those they meet by living in the present instead of the past.  This means they’re more likely to get hurt when they think they’ve found what their looking for in someone who’s not willing to open up their damaged heart and soul.  It’s hard to continually find the best in the wrong people.

Where’s the catch?

Since when did being nice or willing to open your heart equate to being weak, inferior or naïve?  When a nice guy does something nice for another, it’s just because they wanted to, not because there’s some ‘hidden agenda’ behind their actions.  But yet society seems to think instead that means you’re easy prey or don’t have balls to stand up for yourself, so some may go out of their way to rile you up.

We’re not willing to compete for someone’s affection

In the world of dating and wooing the pants off the object of your affection, nice guys aren’t naturally inclined to compete for a mate so tend to be looked on as weak or not ‘man enough’.  Even if deep down the nice guy does desperately want to fight for what they want.

Instead, nice guys are more willing to show their crush-du-jour who they are through their actions, to truly show their inner self with dignity.  They want to attract their potential mate because of who they are, not some artifice they’ve piled on to impress some cutie at the bar.

We hate playing games

gossipIt seems all people on the dating scene do these days is play mind games, mostly with them pretending they’re always unavailable as a way to pique some guy’s interest.  It’s a game of hard to get that nice guys just aren’t willing to playing, and are seen as being too ‘available’.

Instead nice guys just tell the truth and tell a guy when we want to see them, instead of being childish and acting like we want nothing to do with them to see if they approach us first.  It’s basically a power play where the one who approaches first loses, and is one nice guys just aren’t willing to play.  We’d rather be honest.

We’re exactly what you’re looking for, but…

Why is it in this day and age there’s always a ‘but’ whenever someone tells you they like you?  Who hasn’t been seeing a guy they absolutely click with, but instead of seeing where things lead they’d rather look for something more or someone they think is just a smidge better than you.  Or they want you to change a part of who you are to suit their preconceived ideals.

Yet you hear these guys moan how they just want ‘Mr Nice Guy’ but just keep meeting assholes.  That’s because they tend to dump the nice guys in favour of some new cutie that they think they’d be a better match with and really aren’t.

We’ve been ‘friend-zoned’

Oh, who hasn’t had this happen to them really?  All too often, nice guys are set aside to be BFF’s instead of just BF’s because the other person doesn’t want to complicate or risk the friendship.  Or they’ve gotten so used to having you by their side to hear and watch their drama, that they stop thinking of you as a potential suitor.

All too often, those whinging drama queens complaining about the lack of nice guys out in the dating world are just blind to the the friends they’re dragging along for the ride.  As much as they say they want to meet a nice guy, they really think that nice guy behaviour should be reserved for their BFF.

We’ve been taken advantage of

Eventually all nice guy BFF’s get taken advantage of one way or another.  It could start small like being asked to watch someone’s jacket while they chat up some bubble butt cutie at the bar, but could eventually lead to larger more inconvenient favours.  Which are basically assumptions.

And if as a nice guy you say no to said ‘little’ favours, it’s like you’re crazy to even consider not helping a friend out.  Because who doesn’t love going an hour out of your way to make sure some drunk friend’s friend gets home okay, while your friend is copping off with Mr Bubble Butt from the bar.

really bitchWe just want to be liked

There are times when a nice guy has to weigh the pressures they’re put under to be liked against maintaining their morals.  Which could sometimes mean going against our natural character to fit in with the rest of the world around us.

In order to fit in, sometimes you’ll have to do things and go places you wouldn’t normally.. like accompanying a friend to an underwear party when you’re not that comfortable standing around in your skivvies.  Or covering for a partnered friend who’s off getting their dick sucked in the loo.

We just want everyone to have fun

All too often, nice guys are perceived as trying to ‘please’ everyone, when that’s actually much farther from the truth.  In reality, we literally just want everyone to have fun and get along.  We just want to share the joie-de-vive we have inside with other, and hope they’ll share it as well with others in their lives.  We allow our love out into the world, but sadly most don’t appreciate or reciprocate it.

We just want to help

Most nice guys tend to be so focused on helping others around them, that they forget to take care of their own happiness.  We’ll listen, heal, share, and love others to the point where their lives are in a better place, but we haven’t moved forward ourselves.

The truth is we usually think we don’t need as much help as others do, so put our own happiness to the side to help others move forward.  Sometimes we’ll even give a crush relationship and dating advise while secretly wanting to date them, only to have to sit back and smile when they have a new boyfriend.

And man, does that ever suck! :-/

This post was inspired by: 10 Struggles of Being a Nice Guy in the Gay Hookup Culture – GayGuys.com

Where’d You Go?

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I think it’s fairly obvious to say that some friends will come and go out of your life, and then there’ll be others that will be there for the long haul.  Not to mention the ones that you can go months and months without talking to, but when you reconnect it’s like no time has passed.

It’s a natural thing in life for certain people to slide in and out of your life, and that’s fine.  But what about those you thought were in it for the long haul who suddenly disappear?  It can be devastating and confusing as you wonder why they’re no longer a part of your life.

Well.. I’ve been feeling that myself for quite awhile now about someone I’d relied upon over the years to regularly being there to talk to when I needed someone … and vice versa, of course.

And you know what?  It hurts that they’re not there anymore to talk to, especially if you’re in need of a shoulder to cry on or someone to cheer you on when something really good is happening.

sad-man-2But at the same time it makes me wonder if perhaps I was expecting too much from our friendship?  I would always make myself available to listen if they needed someone to talk to, and they’d do the same for me as needed.  That’s part of friendship.

As well it’s about just being there, being present.  Bored on a Friday night?  Call the bestie and hit the pub, right?  Or if they don’t live in the same city, hop on Skype and chat the evening away.  It’s not always about being there for the good and bad times, but just being around.

Of course things do change when one of you starts dating someone new (gay or straight, it’s all the same really).  Obviously now more of their free time will be spent with their new sweetie, and that’s okay.  It’s expected and it would be weird if that didn’t happen.

But what chafes me is how sometimes when they’ve found that new boy/girlfriend, they just drop off the face of the earth.  Text messages go unanswered.  Facebook comments go unliked or not responded to.  Requests for advice are left hanging in the wind.  And it basically feels like you’re not part of their life anymore.

And you know what?  That’s shit.  It’s a horrible way to treat someone who was there through all the good and bad times, and perhaps was even there at the beginning encouraging them to ask out the cutie who’d caught their attention.  Who was there helping debate all the pro’s and con’s of starting anything new with their new love, and whether it was worth it to even try.

(It always is, by the way.  I’d never stand in the way of love.)

And as someone who’s been left behind many a time, it fucking hurts.  It hurts that you’re not there to talk to anymore.  It hurts that the first person I used to text when something interesting would happen probably wouldn’t even respond now.

It hurts that you brought your new squeeze to town for a couple of days and didn’t even suggest meeting up so I could meet them.  It hurts that maybe you wouldn’t want me to meet your new sweetie, as if I was some dirty secret.

It hurts so much that it feels like you’ve forgotten all about me.  Because I’ve never forgotten about you.

But at least I know for awhile I had you in my life, and I’ll be forever grateful for that.  We had some amazing times over the years, and that’s never something I’d ever regret, regardless of where I am in my life.

Sigh … *rant over*

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Biggest Relationship Mistakes

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Whether you’ve been in a relationship or not, it’s pretty much common knowledge that they take a lot of work.  Regardless of the connection or commitment to each other, there will always been some issues that crop up, but it’s a matter of know how to best deal with them and move past them.

And sometimes it’s all about how you act towards your new partner.  So here are a few helpful tips.. but of course, each relationship is unique.

Going Too Fast

Let’s be honest.. the quickest way to turn off your potential new partner is to jump in too deep, too quickly.  Just because you had a fantastic time on your date and had a lovely good-night kiss (or even more amorous activities hehe), it doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever.  You have to let things happen naturally, you really can’t force things.

super intimateGoing Too Slow

On the other hand, if you take it so slow that your new partner starts to think you’re not interested, then you may end up losing them to someone new.  That’s not to say you should immediately become more physically or emotionally entangled, but at some point once that connection has been made, it’s best to move things along a bit.  Even if it’s just a small step at a time.  Whatever pace works for both of you.

Not Finding the Time

Life can be busy for all of us at times.  But if you’re not making an effort to find time for your significant other (or even dating itself), it makes the other person feel like they’re less important than other things in your life, and you’re bound to drift apart.  Relationships need time and effort to prosper, and if you can’t find time for your sweetie, then they won’t be your sweetie for long.

A Lack of Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t just about how you interact with each other, but how much outside intrusion you allow into your relationship.  Clear expectations need to be set for each other, including how much (or little) meddling you allow in, as well as boundaries with each other.

gay-17Taking Your Partner for Granted

In the beginning, we always go out of our way to make the other person feel important.. So where did that go?  Regardless if the relationship is new or you’ve been together for decades, always do something to make the other person feel special and don’t let the humdrum daily routine to take that away from you.

Trying to Change the Other Person

We all have certain expectations when it comes to our potential partners, and as long as you’re wiling to compromise to some degree then it’ll all go swimmingly.  But if you’re rigid in your ideals and continually try to make the other person fit into some mould that you ‘think’ is your ideal person, then you’re probably setting yourself up for failure in the long run.

Not Giving Your Partner Enough Space

Relationships are hard, and sometimes you each need to take some time apart.  Even if you don’t really want to.  Without being a mindreader, you need to keep an eye out for cues from your partner and just back off for a bit when they need a bit of space.  You can’t force togetherness 24/7, as even the happiest of couples need some time apart.  It’s healthy for both of you, as well as the relationship.

Having No Life Outside the Relationship

And off the back of that point, you can’t cut yourself off from your friends and loved ones from before you started the relationship.  And you can’t expect your partner to do that either.  It’s healthy to continue to have friends outside the relationship, even if they’re mutual friends.  And not just friends, but also maintain the interests and hobbies you had before.  You can’t stop being you just because you’ve found someone special.

And let’s be honest, sometimes you just need that best friend to talk to, as some topics may be a bit outside the boundaries with your new cutie.  😉

Looking -assesThis post has been influenced by the article –> 8 Biggest Relationship Mistakes | The Daily 8

How to Make Yourself More Dateable

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Being single can really suck at times, and trying to navigate through the gay dating scene can seem almost like torture.  But yet we’re willing to be masochists and jump right back in, even when it seems like we’re not getting the results we’d like.

But are we actually letting the world make us believe that it’s our own fault that we’re single?  Well.. yes and no.  When you’re not making yourself available or open to opportunities, you’re not doing anything to change your situation.

Allow room for spontaneity in your life

We all have people in our lives that seem to be constantly busy, and are never up for anything last minute.  These guys tend to organise their lives so far in advance that you end up trying to find ways to fit yourself into their diary instead of just going with the flow.

Too many seem afraid to allowing spontaneity into their lives, as if it’ll make the world spiral out of control if the day isn’t perfectly organised.  If you don’t take the risk to get out there and put yourself in new or unplanned situations, then how do you expect to meet someone new?  Or if you can’t change your plans, why not invite your crush-du-jour to join you.. it’s a great way to see how they interact with your friends, and vice versa.

Be proud to be yourself

Dressing_for_success_tips_on_dressing_for_an_interview_330x330Let’s be honest – there are way too many fakers out there, with their perfect lives and fabulous vacations, which they’ll recount to no end to ensure you’re green with envy.

Seriously, what’s the point?  What do they truly expect to gain from hiding who they really are from a prospective new beau?  They’re setting themselves up for disappointment and heartbreak because they’re secretly afraid of being judged for who they really are.

Instead just be yourself from the start, goofy quirks and all.  Because in the end what you really want is someone who gets who you really are from the start, not some hyped up version of yourself you think others will like.  Don’t dim your own light around others, because the most valuable trait you can possess is your own authenticity.

Know your moral compass

Too often we’ll meet people who’ll try to sway us from our goals and focus in life, be it our dreams for the future, how we relate to others, or even how we choose to live our lives.  These goals are what fuel our drive and motivation, and we should never allow another person to judge us or bring us down based on their own limitations.

Basically it’s your life, and it’s the only one you’ve got to live.  So why not make a stand for who you are and what you believe in, instead of letting that new sexy guy over-ride your ideals and thoughts.  And when you enter the dating scene knowing what you want and look for, then you’re more likely to find someone compatible with similar morals in life.

To thine own self be true

dream big

We’ve all faced the feared question in job interviews – Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years? – and regardless of whatever corporate drivel you spew out to impress that prospective boss, what does it really matter if you’re not the man you want to be.

Too often we focus solely on improving our careers or material possessions instead of working on improving ourselves.  Why not take that extra energy and put it into your own life.  Improve who you are as a person, and in the long run that ‘career’ will find itself to the happier, more contented version of yourself because you’re actually ready for it.

Love yourself.. emotionally

We’ve all heard the cliché that you’ll never find someone special if you don’t already love and appreciate yourself.  And despite it being trite, it’s actually true.  So how do you expect to meet Mr Right when you’re projecting the idea that you’re undateable or not good enough?

You’re an awesome human being, and everyone around you knows it and loves you for you .. so why don’t you?  Stop being scared of loving who you are as a person and trust that others will appreciate it as well.  Let your positive light lead the moths to your flame.

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Be good towards others

Part of life is we all make mistakes and no-one wants these broadcast to the world, so why is it we spend so much time shaming others when they screw up?  Who cares if someone did something wrong, or doesn’t fit into your perfect mould of how a man should act.  It’s probably not the end of the world (unless they’re some maniacal evil genius, obviously lol), so why not just laugh it off and focus on how the person makes you feel instead.

Stay focused

The best way to make a guy feel important and admire you for it is to give him your focus.  When you’re chatting with some cutie focus on him and what he’s saying, not on what’s going on around you or any possible messages you’ve receive on those dating apps.  Put away the mobile, stop staring at the exit to see who’s coming or leaving, and instead just truly listen to what he has to say.  It’ll make all the difference in the world.

Don’t live to work

Too many people put their careers before their personal lives, and in the end both tend to suffer for it.  How are you going to fuel your creativity or recharge your zest for life if you allow your work to overtake every other part of your life?  By ensuring you’re enjoying life itself, you’ll end up more satisfied in life and you’ll find you’re giving a visible value to your world.

Trust your instincts

brasil-gay-beachStop going dating with blinders on, because you’ll continue to miss on the crucial red-flags that’ll end with you in tears wondering why ‘Prince Charming’ doesn’t love you and turned into such a dick.

It’s crucial to be open-minded but not so naïve that you let the other guy walk all over you.  Be strong and courageous in your dating life, but don’t neglect your gut instincts.

You’ll be much happier for it.. and you’ll find your real ‘Mr Right’ in the end.

This post was inspired by: 10 Ways to Make Yourself More Dateable – GayGuys.com

Signs You’re Being Too Needy

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We’ve all had times in our lives where we’ve felt especially needy for whatever reason, and felt that if we just had a bit of attention then we’d feel better.  It’s a fairly normal reaction when you’ve had an especially stressful day, or something has happened that you just need to talk over with someone.

But what if you’re at the point when people are actively avoiding you because you’re continually coming across as too needy?  That you’re constantly acting like the whole world is abandoning you.

I know I do feel like this at times.. ok, a lot of the time really.  But perhaps that’s just my perception of how people view me, that they’re purposely avoiding me.  At times, it can stop me from reaching out to others when I’m feeling down or lonely because I don’t want them to think of me as being overly needy.

Could it still come across that way even when I’m trying not to let it?  Sure it can.. and it’s regularly made me wonder how I can change that perception.

Being Too Available

I generally never have anything planned when it gets to the weekend.  So I find myself trying last minute to find out what others are up to, which is usually met with a series of ‘I’m busy’ or ‘I’ve already got plans’ responses.

too needySo instead of still getting out there and enjoying the weekend, I tend to just spend the time completely along at home.  And when I do get a last minute invite from someone, I tend to jump at it.

But to be honest, how unattractive is always being available to do things when someone messages last minute? Well, it’s time to stop that, hard as that may seems at times.

Focus on yourself and what you want out of life, instead of continually moaning about how boring your life is because you’ve got nothing planned.  Set yourself some personal goals and lead your life in the direction you want it to go in.

If someone else wants to be there to join you in your journey, then that’s just a bonus.

Communicate Too Much

There’s a reason they say communication is a two-way street.  If you feel like you’re doing all the work to start a conversation, or even keep one going, then maybe you need to determine if you’re communicating too much.

it's too muchIt’s all too easy to feel like you’re chasing after the other person to be part of your life, but maybe that’s what should clue you in that maybe your neediness by regularly messaging the other person is what’s causing them not to want to reply back to you.

The last thing you need is for the other person to feel like if they don’t reply back to you right away, that you’ll get all stroppy. You don’t want to become an obligation.

Instead of constantly checking your mobile for messages from that new crush or that friend you’d love to hang out with, go out and have some fun yourself.  That way you’ll have some fun stories to tell them the next time you get together.

Whatever They Want

There’s compromise in making decisions, and then there’s being completely passive.  Someone who’s overly needy will tend to always capitulate to whatever the other person wants to do.

This is perhaps down to some insanely ridiculous fear of losing the other person over suggesting something they might not enjoy but you would.

Silly, huh?  Who wants to be with someone who isn’t willing to state their needs and wants?  We all want someone in our lives who’s confident, who knows what they want, and is willing to fight for something they feel strongly for.

So why not be that person in your own life?  Don’t let the fear of rejection stop you from being you.

Lose Yourself Outside Of The Relationship

We all have certain expectations in life, be it while dating someone or while spending time with friends.

truly caresBut when you stop doing things that make you truly happy and allow your own expectations go unfulfilled, you may find yourself trying to fill that void by spending more or all of your time with that other person.

This can only lead to resentment on both sides – theirs because you’re always there and expecting them to spend all their spare time with you; yours because you’ve stopped allowing yourself to enjoy life with or without that other person.

Don’t allow yourself to become distant from your friends or doing what you love.  You need to maintain a life of your own, outside of your dating activities.

Constant Reassurance

Needy people seem to continually need external validation that they’re good enough, or that people truly like them.  And those people tend to become disappointed when they don’t get it.

The only person that can tell you that you’re good enough is yourself.  You carry your own acceptance within you, and no other person can tell you whether you’re good enough or not.

Work towards becoming your own ideal version of yourself, and share that gift of self-acceptance with the only person that matters – you.

This post was inspired by —>> 5 Signs You’re Being Needy and What to Do About It –.