Dating and the Fat Man

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The other day I was surfing around a site sent to me by my fellow blogger Ivan (ivansblogworld.wordpress.com), and the below article title caught my eye.

7 Struggles of Dating When You’re a Fat Gay Man – Gay Pop Buzz

YES!!  I’m not the only one who finds it a struggle!  Maybe this would be the article that would truly get me.

Quick recap – I’m a 43 year old fat gay man who’s never been in an actual relationship.  I’ve only ever dated guys casually for a bit before they would claim I was getting ‘too attached’ and only wanted something casual.. which usually ended with them having a new boyfriend within about 6 months.

So.. I opened this article hoping to gain some mutual insight into what I’ve gone through in my dating life.  That it was going to be validation for all the years I’ve felt marginalised for whatever reason.  And as I read the first couple of lines I thought I’d found a kindred spirit as there were a lot of similarities.

fat-manBoy… could I have been even more WRONG!!!

The more I read, the more I realised this wasn’t me or my experiences.  Instead, this was someone who’s allowed himself to become so dismissive of himself, his weight, and the gay community that he’s allowed his negativity to feed into his own fat-shaming.

It was to the point where he was obsessive about it.  And he was absolutely adamant that this was the truth for all chubby gay men out there.

Well, No.  His experiences sure as hell haven’t been mine.

So based on his article, I’d like to give my experiences over the years and how I’m feeling.  These aren’t facts or anything other than my observations, and I would never allude that anyone else should feel exactly the same.

Smaller Target Audience

I learned after a few years (and a bit of heartbreak) that there really is a smaller target for bigger guys like me, regardless of what type of guys I found physically attractive… and it sure as hell wasn’t other bigger guys like me (lesbian bears, as I like to call them haha).

At first I thought, because of my own fat-shaming, that I’d have to settle for whomever was willing to have sex with me.  That I was truly ugly and unattractive, so I’d have no real choice in the matter.  But then I found the bear community and the chasers… and I was meeting some pretty gorgeous guys.  And who’d complain about that?  😉

Loneliness is best served cold.. with gravy

Like probably a lot of people out there who have weight issues, I tended to turn to food as compensation when I was feeling down or bad about something.  It was an instant gratification while trying to justify my bad food choices.

Who munches on celery sticks when they’re feeling down?  LOL

Fat_ManBut this is something I’ve recently started working on, mostly because I was starting to feel like my weight had gotten out of control (partly due to quitting smoking I think).  I’m taking it day by day to ensure I’m making good food choices and pairing it was regular exercise (walking part way to/from work).

It’s only been about 2 weeks, but I’m feeling good about it and need to keep it going.

I’m one hell of a hermit

I don’t think I’ve used my weight as an excuse not to go out and be social.  Instead I’ve allowed my laziness to justify why I’ll spend a weekend at home having a Netflix marathon alone.

I think my hermit-ism is more due to my own feelings of being left out by people, and not taking the issue in hand to do something about it (see previous post).  I know there are places I can go and potentially run into someone I know (KA in Soho for instance), but I’ll let my laziness to justify why it’s a waste of time spending an hour travelling into town on the ‘chance’ of meeting someone I knew.  Or someone new.

And that’s not good.

I do alright, sexually.. sometimes

I know I sometimes moan about how I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like to, or even as much as I used to a few years ago.  But at no point have I ever said it’s because I’m fat.  Sure that may limit my possibilities, but it shouldn’t ever stop me.

And no, unlike the original article’s author, I have never paid for sex.  Fuck no.

Instead I know my lack-luster love life is down to my own laziness and not putting myself out there as much as I used to.  If I’m sitting at home all the time, how am I going to meet someone one new and exciting?  Sure, there are the dating apps, but mostly I’m only going to get the same group of guys within my immediate area.

naked-men-in-bedA compliment is a compliment

I’ve never been that great at accepting compliments from guys, mostly due to my own low self-esteem.  Usually I’d just assume they were saying these things just so they could have sex with me (and some of them might have been..).

But I think I’ve done well to get past that somewhat and accept a compliment for what it is.  And if the other person isn’t being sincere, then that’s on them.  I’m not going to spend my precious time over-thinking everything a guy says to me just to figure out if it’s real or not.

We’re homophobic towards each other

I’ve been living out and proud for over 20 years now, and it still never astounds me how much as a community we put ourselves down by ostracising our own sub-sects or stereotypes.

no fatWho hasn’t been to a Gay Pride and watched as all the muscular pretty boys in their little hot-pants get all the cheers and catcalls, while anyone who doesn’t fit that ‘society-approved norm’ basically gets ignored.

However I won’t allow that to affect how I feel about myself.  I go to Pride most years and have a laugh, usually ending up at the bear bar drinking in the streets with everyone else.  And I just get on with my life without allowing other people’s perceptions of who they think I am stop me from having fun.

Never assume to know someone

True, I look like the stereotypical little bear, but that doesn’t mean you know who I am based on someone you’ve known in the past who has a similar look.  Or that because I’m above a certain age with a bit of grey in my beard that I must be a ‘daddy’.  Or that because I’ve attended several naturist parties that I’d be interested in going to an orgy.

It’s all bullshit.  Not one aspect of my life wholly defines me as a person.

BUT…. if I’m being truly honest, I’ve been just as guilty of it as anyone else.  I would see some pretty, young ‘twink’ and immediately think they must be a self-absorbed, fashion-obsessed, obnoxious airhead.  Or that some beefy, muscled out gym-bunny must be dumb as a bag of hammers.  And so forth.

Sadly, this is something we all have to struggle with on a daily basis.  We’ve grown up buying into the stereotypes just as much as we’ve been fighting to get past them, and sometimes still treat people of similar backgrounds as gay clones.


So… what now?

Well, not much really.

It’s not like I wrote this to work through some issue or to justify my actions.  It was more of an exercise to prove that not everyone’s experiences are the same, no matter how many factors you may have in common.

CarrotHowever I do think it’s helped show me that, although my dating life is pretty stagnant at the moment, it truly hasn’t been all that horrible.  That despite never having that relationship I’ve always wanted, I still have met some amazing guys – and yes, some assholes too – that have made the journey so far worth it.

Yeah, shocking as it is, I’m actually feeling somewhat positive about my dating past and the potential for the future.  And that it’s just a matter of getting my lazy ass out there again. LOL

Source: 7 Struggles of Dating When You’re a Fat Gay Man – Gay Pop Buzz

Struggles of Being a Nice Gay Guy

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Who hasn’t heard one of their painfully single friends moan about how there’s no ‘nice guys’ out there anymore?  That all they seem to meet in today’s gay digital hook-up culture is a load of selfish guys with superiority complexes, or at least trying to aspire to have one instead of the natural disposition they were born with.

And for someone who identifies as a ‘nice guy’ it can be quite hard when you’re submerged in that selfish culture.  As a non-alpha male, it’s difficult to get ahead in life and relationships without having to put aside who we truly are.

The struggle is real, people.  😉

We find what we want in those aren’t willing to offer it

Most of us have just accepted that it’s part of life that we’ll eventually become hurt, disappointed, taken advantage of or even lied to when it comes to finding love, and because of this we’ve build up barriers around our hearts to distance ourselves.  A pattern of disconnection, if you will.

Unfortunately, nice guys continue to see the best in those they meet by living in the present instead of the past.  This means they’re more likely to get hurt when they think they’ve found what their looking for in someone who’s not willing to open up their damaged heart and soul.  It’s hard to continually find the best in the wrong people.

Where’s the catch?

Since when did being nice or willing to open your heart equate to being weak, inferior or naïve?  When a nice guy does something nice for another, it’s just because they wanted to, not because there’s some ‘hidden agenda’ behind their actions.  But yet society seems to think instead that means you’re easy prey or don’t have balls to stand up for yourself, so some may go out of their way to rile you up.

We’re not willing to compete for someone’s affection

In the world of dating and wooing the pants off the object of your affection, nice guys aren’t naturally inclined to compete for a mate so tend to be looked on as weak or not ‘man enough’.  Even if deep down the nice guy does desperately want to fight for what they want.

Instead, nice guys are more willing to show their crush-du-jour who they are through their actions, to truly show their inner self with dignity.  They want to attract their potential mate because of who they are, not some artifice they’ve piled on to impress some cutie at the bar.

We hate playing games

gossipIt seems all people on the dating scene do these days is play mind games, mostly with them pretending they’re always unavailable as a way to pique some guy’s interest.  It’s a game of hard to get that nice guys just aren’t willing to playing, and are seen as being too ‘available’.

Instead nice guys just tell the truth and tell a guy when we want to see them, instead of being childish and acting like we want nothing to do with them to see if they approach us first.  It’s basically a power play where the one who approaches first loses, and is one nice guys just aren’t willing to play.  We’d rather be honest.

We’re exactly what you’re looking for, but…

Why is it in this day and age there’s always a ‘but’ whenever someone tells you they like you?  Who hasn’t been seeing a guy they absolutely click with, but instead of seeing where things lead they’d rather look for something more or someone they think is just a smidge better than you.  Or they want you to change a part of who you are to suit their preconceived ideals.

Yet you hear these guys moan how they just want ‘Mr Nice Guy’ but just keep meeting assholes.  That’s because they tend to dump the nice guys in favour of some new cutie that they think they’d be a better match with and really aren’t.

We’ve been ‘friend-zoned’

Oh, who hasn’t had this happen to them really?  All too often, nice guys are set aside to be BFF’s instead of just BF’s because the other person doesn’t want to complicate or risk the friendship.  Or they’ve gotten so used to having you by their side to hear and watch their drama, that they stop thinking of you as a potential suitor.

All too often, those whinging drama queens complaining about the lack of nice guys out in the dating world are just blind to the the friends they’re dragging along for the ride.  As much as they say they want to meet a nice guy, they really think that nice guy behaviour should be reserved for their BFF.

We’ve been taken advantage of

Eventually all nice guy BFF’s get taken advantage of one way or another.  It could start small like being asked to watch someone’s jacket while they chat up some bubble butt cutie at the bar, but could eventually lead to larger more inconvenient favours.  Which are basically assumptions.

And if as a nice guy you say no to said ‘little’ favours, it’s like you’re crazy to even consider not helping a friend out.  Because who doesn’t love going an hour out of your way to make sure some drunk friend’s friend gets home okay, while your friend is copping off with Mr Bubble Butt from the bar.

really bitchWe just want to be liked

There are times when a nice guy has to weigh the pressures they’re put under to be liked against maintaining their morals.  Which could sometimes mean going against our natural character to fit in with the rest of the world around us.

In order to fit in, sometimes you’ll have to do things and go places you wouldn’t normally.. like accompanying a friend to an underwear party when you’re not that comfortable standing around in your skivvies.  Or covering for a partnered friend who’s off getting their dick sucked in the loo.

We just want everyone to have fun

All too often, nice guys are perceived as trying to ‘please’ everyone, when that’s actually much farther from the truth.  In reality, we literally just want everyone to have fun and get along.  We just want to share the joie-de-vive we have inside with other, and hope they’ll share it as well with others in their lives.  We allow our love out into the world, but sadly most don’t appreciate or reciprocate it.

We just want to help

Most nice guys tend to be so focused on helping others around them, that they forget to take care of their own happiness.  We’ll listen, heal, share, and love others to the point where their lives are in a better place, but we haven’t moved forward ourselves.

The truth is we usually think we don’t need as much help as others do, so put our own happiness to the side to help others move forward.  Sometimes we’ll even give a crush relationship and dating advise while secretly wanting to date them, only to have to sit back and smile when they have a new boyfriend.

And man, does that ever suck! :-/

This post was inspired by: 10 Struggles of Being a Nice Guy in the Gay Hookup Culture – GayGuys.com

Biggest Relationship Mistakes

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Whether you’ve been in a relationship or not, it’s pretty much common knowledge that they take a lot of work.  Regardless of the connection or commitment to each other, there will always been some issues that crop up, but it’s a matter of know how to best deal with them and move past them.

And sometimes it’s all about how you act towards your new partner.  So here are a few helpful tips.. but of course, each relationship is unique.

Going Too Fast

Let’s be honest.. the quickest way to turn off your potential new partner is to jump in too deep, too quickly.  Just because you had a fantastic time on your date and had a lovely good-night kiss (or even more amorous activities hehe), it doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever.  You have to let things happen naturally, you really can’t force things.

super intimateGoing Too Slow

On the other hand, if you take it so slow that your new partner starts to think you’re not interested, then you may end up losing them to someone new.  That’s not to say you should immediately become more physically or emotionally entangled, but at some point once that connection has been made, it’s best to move things along a bit.  Even if it’s just a small step at a time.  Whatever pace works for both of you.

Not Finding the Time

Life can be busy for all of us at times.  But if you’re not making an effort to find time for your significant other (or even dating itself), it makes the other person feel like they’re less important than other things in your life, and you’re bound to drift apart.  Relationships need time and effort to prosper, and if you can’t find time for your sweetie, then they won’t be your sweetie for long.

A Lack of Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t just about how you interact with each other, but how much outside intrusion you allow into your relationship.  Clear expectations need to be set for each other, including how much (or little) meddling you allow in, as well as boundaries with each other.

gay-17Taking Your Partner for Granted

In the beginning, we always go out of our way to make the other person feel important.. So where did that go?  Regardless if the relationship is new or you’ve been together for decades, always do something to make the other person feel special and don’t let the humdrum daily routine to take that away from you.

Trying to Change the Other Person

We all have certain expectations when it comes to our potential partners, and as long as you’re wiling to compromise to some degree then it’ll all go swimmingly.  But if you’re rigid in your ideals and continually try to make the other person fit into some mould that you ‘think’ is your ideal person, then you’re probably setting yourself up for failure in the long run.

Not Giving Your Partner Enough Space

Relationships are hard, and sometimes you each need to take some time apart.  Even if you don’t really want to.  Without being a mindreader, you need to keep an eye out for cues from your partner and just back off for a bit when they need a bit of space.  You can’t force togetherness 24/7, as even the happiest of couples need some time apart.  It’s healthy for both of you, as well as the relationship.

Having No Life Outside the Relationship

And off the back of that point, you can’t cut yourself off from your friends and loved ones from before you started the relationship.  And you can’t expect your partner to do that either.  It’s healthy to continue to have friends outside the relationship, even if they’re mutual friends.  And not just friends, but also maintain the interests and hobbies you had before.  You can’t stop being you just because you’ve found someone special.

And let’s be honest, sometimes you just need that best friend to talk to, as some topics may be a bit outside the boundaries with your new cutie.  😉

Looking -assesThis post has been influenced by the article –> 8 Biggest Relationship Mistakes | The Daily 8

How to Make Yourself More Dateable

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Being single can really suck at times, and trying to navigate through the gay dating scene can seem almost like torture.  But yet we’re willing to be masochists and jump right back in, even when it seems like we’re not getting the results we’d like.

But are we actually letting the world make us believe that it’s our own fault that we’re single?  Well.. yes and no.  When you’re not making yourself available or open to opportunities, you’re not doing anything to change your situation.

Allow room for spontaneity in your life

We all have people in our lives that seem to be constantly busy, and are never up for anything last minute.  These guys tend to organise their lives so far in advance that you end up trying to find ways to fit yourself into their diary instead of just going with the flow.

Too many seem afraid to allowing spontaneity into their lives, as if it’ll make the world spiral out of control if the day isn’t perfectly organised.  If you don’t take the risk to get out there and put yourself in new or unplanned situations, then how do you expect to meet someone new?  Or if you can’t change your plans, why not invite your crush-du-jour to join you.. it’s a great way to see how they interact with your friends, and vice versa.

Be proud to be yourself

Dressing_for_success_tips_on_dressing_for_an_interview_330x330Let’s be honest – there are way too many fakers out there, with their perfect lives and fabulous vacations, which they’ll recount to no end to ensure you’re green with envy.

Seriously, what’s the point?  What do they truly expect to gain from hiding who they really are from a prospective new beau?  They’re setting themselves up for disappointment and heartbreak because they’re secretly afraid of being judged for who they really are.

Instead just be yourself from the start, goofy quirks and all.  Because in the end what you really want is someone who gets who you really are from the start, not some hyped up version of yourself you think others will like.  Don’t dim your own light around others, because the most valuable trait you can possess is your own authenticity.

Know your moral compass

Too often we’ll meet people who’ll try to sway us from our goals and focus in life, be it our dreams for the future, how we relate to others, or even how we choose to live our lives.  These goals are what fuel our drive and motivation, and we should never allow another person to judge us or bring us down based on their own limitations.

Basically it’s your life, and it’s the only one you’ve got to live.  So why not make a stand for who you are and what you believe in, instead of letting that new sexy guy over-ride your ideals and thoughts.  And when you enter the dating scene knowing what you want and look for, then you’re more likely to find someone compatible with similar morals in life.

To thine own self be true

dream big

We’ve all faced the feared question in job interviews – Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years? – and regardless of whatever corporate drivel you spew out to impress that prospective boss, what does it really matter if you’re not the man you want to be.

Too often we focus solely on improving our careers or material possessions instead of working on improving ourselves.  Why not take that extra energy and put it into your own life.  Improve who you are as a person, and in the long run that ‘career’ will find itself to the happier, more contented version of yourself because you’re actually ready for it.

Love yourself.. emotionally

We’ve all heard the cliché that you’ll never find someone special if you don’t already love and appreciate yourself.  And despite it being trite, it’s actually true.  So how do you expect to meet Mr Right when you’re projecting the idea that you’re undateable or not good enough?

You’re an awesome human being, and everyone around you knows it and loves you for you .. so why don’t you?  Stop being scared of loving who you are as a person and trust that others will appreciate it as well.  Let your positive light lead the moths to your flame.

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Be good towards others

Part of life is we all make mistakes and no-one wants these broadcast to the world, so why is it we spend so much time shaming others when they screw up?  Who cares if someone did something wrong, or doesn’t fit into your perfect mould of how a man should act.  It’s probably not the end of the world (unless they’re some maniacal evil genius, obviously lol), so why not just laugh it off and focus on how the person makes you feel instead.

Stay focused

The best way to make a guy feel important and admire you for it is to give him your focus.  When you’re chatting with some cutie focus on him and what he’s saying, not on what’s going on around you or any possible messages you’ve receive on those dating apps.  Put away the mobile, stop staring at the exit to see who’s coming or leaving, and instead just truly listen to what he has to say.  It’ll make all the difference in the world.

Don’t live to work

Too many people put their careers before their personal lives, and in the end both tend to suffer for it.  How are you going to fuel your creativity or recharge your zest for life if you allow your work to overtake every other part of your life?  By ensuring you’re enjoying life itself, you’ll end up more satisfied in life and you’ll find you’re giving a visible value to your world.

Trust your instincts

brasil-gay-beachStop going dating with blinders on, because you’ll continue to miss on the crucial red-flags that’ll end with you in tears wondering why ‘Prince Charming’ doesn’t love you and turned into such a dick.

It’s crucial to be open-minded but not so naïve that you let the other guy walk all over you.  Be strong and courageous in your dating life, but don’t neglect your gut instincts.

You’ll be much happier for it.. and you’ll find your real ‘Mr Right’ in the end.

This post was inspired by: 10 Ways to Make Yourself More Dateable – GayGuys.com

Things to do While Waiting for ‘Mr Right’

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It’s not easy being single these days.

It’s lonely, can lead to feelings of jealousy for those who’ve found someone, and in extreme circumstances, can lead to depression for some.

Most of this is due to the negative thoughts and ideas running around our heads as to why we’re still single, while it seems like everyone else around us are happily paired up.

Instead of sitting around waiting for that elusive ‘Mr Right’ (or ‘Ms Right’, depending on what you’re looking for lol), get out there and enjoy your life.  Cut the negative thoughts, get happy and start loving yourself and your single freedom.

Here’s a few things to do while you’re still single..

Start living in the now

Instead of daydreaming about your perfect partner and wasting your time wondering when they’ll show up, why not think about yourself?  Take stock of where you are in your life and where you want to go in the future.

man on beachWhat goals do you want to achieve over the next year or so?  Have you planned your next holiday?  Are there any old or distant friends you’d like to visit? Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the chance or the nerve to do so?

Being single means you can plan and do anything you want.  The world is out there waiting for you.  Why not get out there and enjoy it.

Love yourself

You are the one and only version of you that there will ever be in the world.  Your uniqueness and originality are part of who you are and everything you’ve achieved in your life.  Nobody else can make you feel as whole of a person as you already are, so why don’t you go ahead and love yourself?

There is nobody else out there in the world who can make you feel whole, or give you anything that you don’t already have in your life to lead a full, happy and fulfilling life.  Love who you are as a person, and what you contribute to the world around you.  Nobody else can give you that validation any better than you can yourself.

Love your freedom

They say that the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you’ll have with yourself.  When you’re single, you have the opportunity to do things for yourself that sometimes a partner wouldn’t be able to.  Be a bit selfish and treat yourself to something special. Enjoy this time to take care of yourself and do what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Stop the negative reinforcements

Self attackWhen we’re feeling down or lonely, it’s all to easy to start criticising ourselves in a negative fashion.  It could be calling ourselves names because we didn’t react well to something, or telling ourselves that there must be something wrong with us because we’re single or alone.

If you continue to do that, then you’re increasing the chances of making those negative thoughts become a reality as we attract what we put out in the world.  Change the tone and feeling, and you’ll improve your chances.

Don’t neglect your friends and family

Never forget how precious your friends and family are, because once you do find someone amazing to date, you may not have as much time to spend with them.  Instead take this time to plan things or organise a trip together.  Those closest to you are the foundation of your social life, so never take them for granted or let them fall by the wayside.

Try something new

We all say we need to get out of our ruts and try something different.  So, what are you waiting for?  This is the perfect opportunity to get out there and do those things you’ve always wanted to do but never could.  Life is all about building memories from the experiences in our lives, so go make some good ones.

Work towards some big goal

We all have goals in life, or at least dreams of goals we’d like to achieve.  So what’s holding you back from achieving them?  Maybe you’ve always wanted to publish a novel, or learn new language, or try your hand at the guitar, or take an interesting course to change careers, or anything else you can imagine yourself doing.

Write out the goal and set yourself a plan of action.. and then do a little bit of it every day.  Six months to a year from now, you never know where that little bit of extra will take you.

Be patient

Pretty much everyone out there (including you) has a story or two of the losers they’ve dated before they met someone special.  That’s because this whole dating game is a process, and there’s no way to bypass it.

single statusWe have to go through it to learn more about ourselves and possibly go through some heartaches or date a few weirdos in order to get to where we need to be to meet that special someone.

Be patient and allow yourself to go through the process.  It’ll be worth it in the end.

This post has been inspired by the article – The Number One Reason You’re Still Single on LifeHack.org.

Changing the Stigma of Being Single and Alone

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We’ve all been there.  Single, alone and wishing we had someone special in our lives.  And for some of us, this wanting of the ‘perfect partner’ can sometimes get in the way of living our actual lives.

Sometimes it can get to the point where we can’t see what’s actually around us that makes our lives amazing to begin with.

And of course, the stigma of being ‘alone’ can be a difficult one to get past.  Instead of relishing the freedom of our lives, we wallow in self-pity that nobody will ever love us or that we’ll die alone.

Perhaps that self-pity is what is actually stopping us from enjoying life on a daily basis, and even preventing us from meeting that special person.  And perhaps that self-pity is what’s making our friends not want to be around us at times.

no boyfriend no problemSadly in our society, we view people who aren’t in relationships as somehow inferior or damaged in some way, when in fact it’s probably the opposite.  Those who are happy being single tend to have more fulfilling and rewarding lives than those who may be in an unhappy relationship.

Instead, we need to revel in our singledom and enjoy each day as it comes, so let’s flip our perceptions of what it’s like to be single.

Coming home to an empty flat/bed

Yes, as nice as it would be to have someone at home waiting for you, instead you need to view your home as your sanctuary.  Use it as a place to recharge and pamper yourself.  cater to your own needs and wants.

Cook yourself a nice meal instead of something quick in the microwave.  Put on some soothing music while you relax in a nice bubble bath.  Make yourself your favourite drink and curl up on the sofa to read your favourite book.  Enjoy your time home alone to the fullest.

Nobody to comfort you after a ‘bad day’

Let’s be honest, we all have bad days from time to time.  And although it be nice to have someone at home to rehash what went wrong, you just don’t have that luxury when you’re single.

Instead use the time to go over what happened and look for the positives in the situation, your strengths and what you can do to improve.  And plan ahead for the next time something similar happens.  Build up the skills you use to deal with these ‘bad days’ so the next time it won’t affect you deeply.

A schedule for one

Since when is this a bad thing?  It’s your schedule, which means only you get to decide what you’ll do and when.  You’re in control and there’s no need to plan your life around a partner’s schedule.  There’s no compromising your own freedom.  Plan your schedule around your own goals, dreams and desires.

single_and_happy-166847You’ve got to pay all the bills yourself

It would certainly be nice to have a second income around to help pay the bills and all the day to day expenses that pop up.  But that also means you’re held accountable to another person for any sudden expenditures you make.

Instead look at it as you’re in control of your wallet and only you get to decide what you spend your money on and when.  There’s nobody there to criticise your purchases or to take you to task when they’re balancing the cheque book (does anyone still do that? lol).  Enjoy the financial control and freedom this allows you.

You’ve got to do all the chores yourself

Life can get busy as we all have loads of things piling up on our daily ‘to-do’ lists.  And although it be great if someone could help you with these tasks, instead look at it as only you will know if you haven’t completed something on the list.  You get to decide when you do things

You feel awkward at social events or around couples

happy-single-quotes-7This is more about how sometimes partnered people will give you that look of pity when they find out you’re single, and how you have to answer the question ‘why are you single?’  It can become frustrating and annoying, but it’s not something that should prevent you from going out and socialising.

Instead it gives you an opportunity to recount tales of your singledom (depending on the company, be careful what intimate details you give hehe), and show them how amazing your life is.

Show them how you’re accomplishing life on your own, how much stronger it makes you, how independent you are.

There’s nobody checking up on you when you’re running late

How is this a bad thing?  This means you can come and go when you feel like it, without the feeling that ‘nobody cares’.  Just like having the freedom to make your own schedule, this means you can do what you want, when you want it.  You don’t owe your time to anyone but yourself.

There’s nobody to focus focus your love and adoration upon

Now that’s just bullshit.  There’s always one person who needs your love and adoration – YOU.  You are the one person in the world who will always be there for you, so show yourself some appreciation and love.

This obviously doesn’t take anything away from dear friends or family members, as they’re people you can show affection for as well.  And well you should.  But ultimately, you’ve got to shower yourself with love first before others, otherwise there won’t be anything left for yourself.

You have nobody to be spontaneous with

Now that’s just not true.  In fact, it’s the absolute opposite!!  By yourself, you’re always able to be spontaneous and do things off the cuff.  You’re in control of your life, so if you suddenly get the idea to hop on a train to the coast for the day, who’s to stop you?  Cater to your own impulsiveness.

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Going Through A Dry Spell

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At some point in all of our dating lives, we’ll go through a dry spell of sorts.  It’s different for every person, and everyone has their own idea of what constitutes one or what length of time it encompasses.  For some it’s about when they last had an actual date, and for others it’s when they last had a shag.

For me at the moment, it’s been about 4 months since I’ve met anyone for any sort of sexual fun, and even longer since I met someone single and interested in going on a date or whatever.  A very very long time…

At the moment, I’m becoming increasingly frustrated at how I’m not meeting any single guys.  Or at least any single guys I find attractive that actually want to get to know me for something other than just sex.

Oh who am I kidding, I’m not even meeting any attractive guys for just sex these days.  And the few messages I do get online are usually from guys I find ugly or physically repulsive.  That may be a bit harsh, but it is kind of true.

A mate of mine seems to think that I’m just being too picky at the moment when it comes to guys.  But why should I sleep with someone I’m not attracted to just for the sake of having sex?  Isn’t that just being indiscriminatingly slutty?

I think the main issue I’m having at the moment is that I’m not all that interested in sex just for the sake of getting laid.  Sure, I definitely miss it (who wouldn’t lol), but at the moment I’m more interested in meeting someone interesting who might want to go on a few dates or could potentially lead to some kind of relationship.

Of course the problem with that is, when meeting guys on the apps or at the bars, they’re usually just out for a bit of fun.  And sadly quite a few of them are in open relationships, so there’s no hope of anything more than just sex.

I suppose I’m just looking for something a bit different than just a roll in the proverbial hay.  So what’s a guy like me to do?  Go out on dates with guys I’m not attracted to just for the sake of saying I had a date?  Go spend an afternoon or evening at the sauna just to get laid?

I honestly don’t know.  What I do know is what I’m doing currently really isn’t getting me anywhere, so I need to change something.  Change the approach to things, or perhaps the scenery.  Or who knows.

Although I know I shouldn’t think this way, I do wonder if there is something about me that puts guys off from wanting to date me, or if there is something I’m putting out there that says ‘use me for sex and that’s it’.

I’m probably over-simplifying it and definitely overthinking it, but it’s hard not to think that way.  When the only guys who hit on you are unattractive (to me), unavailable, or just plain partnered, it’s hard not to get somewhat jaded about the whole idea of dating or meeting someone special.

Especially after close to 20 years of this.  And the longer this continues, the harder I think it’ll be for me to open my heart up to someone, as I’ll automatically assume they’re only after sex.

At times I think that perhaps I need to give up the ghost (and hope) of ever finding someone special.  That may seem defeatist and definitely negative, but that may be a more realistic approach to things.

And that would definitely suck, as I’m totally a romantic at heart and feel I have a lot of love to give.  I just wish I could find someone who’d be a willing recipient of it, while returning it in kind.

Because let’s be honest – as amazing as the love from dear friends and family is, platonic love can only take you so far.

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6 Bad Signs You’re In A Good Relationship

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It saddens and slightly sickens me how some people will always look for the negative in whatever positive things are occurring.

Point in fact is this article: 6 Bad Signs You’re in a Good Relationship

Although I think the author meant it all in a somewhat slightly humorous way, for me it came across a bit ‘wasn’t life more fun when you were single’. That being in a happy, healthy relationship is just plain boring.

I could just be reading too much into the article (it is a bit fluffy lol), but I’m more inclined to point out how the media and our own community seems to want to pigeonhole us all into a specific stereotype – sex-crazed, overly groomed, partying social butterflies.

Hell. Sometimes I WISH my life was as fun and interesting as they all make it sound like it should be. Lol

But I think it’s more the generalisations that, once in a happy stable relationship, that we’ll all become smelly, chubbier, ungroomed, lazy versions of who we ‘really’ are.

Personally, I think that’s a load of bollocks.

That’s like saying the ‘single’ version of ourselves is the real us and the ‘partnered’ version is fake.. Or vice versa if you’re looking at it the other way.

Sure, once in a good relationship most guys will put their partying days behind them and settle into coupledom. But that doesn’t mean they’ll become boring.

If anything it’ll give them more time for things that interest them (and presumably their partner) instead of spending most of their free time looking for sex/dates/boyfriends.

But then again, maybe that’s just my skewed view of what it’s like to be in a relationship…

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Unlucky In Love

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Anyone who knows me or has been reading my blog for awhile knows how I’ve never been lucky in love.  How, at 41 and after almost 20 years of being out, I’m still waiting for that first boyfriend/relationship to come into my life.

This is a subject I’ve thought about, written about and over-analysed so many times I think I’ve done it to death.  LOL

When it comes to guys, I’m finding these days that I tend to meet 3 types of guys:

  1. Single guys with a mutual attraction, but they are always too busy to meet up for something as simple as a coffee or a drink.
  2. Singles guys I’m not physically attracted to, but whom are constantly after me to meet up (usually for sex).
  3. Partnered guys I’m physically attracted to and who want to meet me (usually for sex or friends with benefits), but are obviously emotionally unavailable from a dating point of view.

finger kissI’m finding it extremely difficult to think of a single guy I’ve met in the past year who was as interested in getting to know me as I was them, and was actively looking to spend time together.

Isn’t that sad?

I’m not necessarily having a moan about this (okay, maybe just a little), but I can’t help but wonder if I’m sabotaging myself in the romance department.  That despite wanting to find actual dates and eventually a boyfriend/partner, that maybe I’m missing out on something else by accepting the advances of guys in section 2 or 3 just for the sake of feeling like someone finds me attractive.

I have no idea why I would do that, but it could be a self-confidence issue, where perhaps deep-down I don’t feel I deserve a boyfriend or love in my life.

Pretty deep huh?  Of course all that could just be my own insecurities playing with my head.

I’ve tried to talk about all this with friends repeatedly over the years, but I usually just get the same old story – that I just need to relax, have some fun, and then something will come along when I least expect it.

The problem I have with that advice is I’ve been trying to do that for close to 20 years now, and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  I wish I could just stop caring about finding something more meaningful than a shag and just get on with living life, but that’s easier said than done.

Man being comfortedOf course, some of these friends can’t really relate to what I’m going through despite what they say.  A lot of them are either already partnered (many in open relationships) or they’ve been through many long term relationships (good or bad) in the past.

But what I find interesting is how many of them try to scare me off relationships.  They keep telling me how hard and horrible some relationships can be, and try to paint a negative picture of what it’s like to be in a relationship.  They’re basically trying to convince me how being single is so much better and fun.

Of course some of those same guys seem to find more extra-curricular ‘fun’ in a month than I do in a year or two.. And then still get to go home to curl up with their hubby afterwards.  Yeah, right.

Perhaps I’m over-dramatising it all.  Or perhaps I’m just one of those unlucky souls who aren’t meant to find someone special.  As much as the media and society keeps telling us that there’s someone out there for everyone, perhaps that’s actually a lie and some people are meant to be alone, regardless of how they feel.

I do find it somewhat interesting (and very annoying) how everyone makes it seem so easy to just stop caring or worrying about all this.  That it should be as simple as flicking a switch and turning off how I feel.

Soul needsIt’s not.  I really wish it was.

I do wonder where my life might have ended up if I hadn’t spent so much time over the years obsessing about my love life (or lack thereof).  Perhaps I would have expended that energy on other things, like writing, finding a career, travelling more, making more good friends, or any number of things I would love to have in my life.

Ultimately all I want out of life is to be happy.   Happy with my life and where it’s headed.  Obviously I know a boyfriend won’t make that happen or solve any problems…

..But it sure as hell can’t hurt. 😉

Where Does the Future Lead?

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Sometimes I can’t help but wonder (and worry) about what the future has in store for me and where my life is going.  It worries me because I don’t feel like I have a plan or a goal to work towards, or have any real set destination in mind for my life going forward.

A lot of the time I just feel like I’m floating through life, letting the world around me flow by.  Or when I’m feeling a bit down, like I’m paddling against the currents trying to get somewhere unreachable.

But why is that?  Why do I constantly feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle just to have the life (I think) I want?  Why does it feel like I’m watching the world pass me by as I see others enjoy and (sometimes) squander what I would truly like to have?

Interestingly I know if I put a plan in place, I can carry it out successfully.  Hell, just look at what I went through planning and preparing when I first moved to London over six years ago.  I had a goal in mind, and I created a plan to get me here.. and I did it (albeit 2 months later than planned lol).

Hopes and DreamsSo I know I can do what I need to when I want to get somewhere in life, but why am I not doing it any more?  What is it that is holding me back?  Am I that afraid of failing?

Or is it more that I’m afraid of actually succeeding, so I don’t even try?  Or that I don’t think myself worthy enough to succeed?  Why won’t I take that leap of faith and just go for it?

But I suppose the real question here is what is it that I truly want out of life?

And the answer is  – I honestly don’t know anymore.  Sure, I can easily say I’d love to have an amazing relationship, a fulfilling career, a healthier more fulfilling life, or a dozen other vague and ambiguous ‘goals’.

Realistically I need to decide what exactly each of those things mean for me and how I can work to building what I want in life.  Sure, a relationship isn’t exactly something I can make happen as it’s dependant on another person, but career and lifestyle changes are solely within my own hands to make happen.

I’ve said many times before how I’d love to write full time, to be a published author or perhaps write a regular column for a magazine.  But why am I not doing it?  Why am I holding myself back from actually taking a chance in life?

Holding-Self-Back_HeaderPure and simple it all comes down to confidence, in myself and my abilities.  To be confident that people would actually pay money to read something I’ve written, be it a novel or something else.  To believe in myself enough to take that step and put my words out there .. although I kind of already do that here, to an extent.

I’m still not sure what the future holds for me, but I hope it’s full of success, happiness and love.. and that it would show up already.  LOL

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On a side note – please see my new ‘Contact Me‘ page if you’d like to drop me a line but aren’t comfortable leaving a comment on a post.  Spammers need not apply. 😀