The Trials of Being an ‘Average’ Gay

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Life as a gay man can have it’s ups and downs.  And if you’re considered an ‘average’ gay, then you may be in for a few additional ones.  At least that’s the way society and the media makes us believe.

We all know that a lot of gay men out there can be very superficial when it comes to appearance (and I include myself in that generalisation…), but have we reached a point where the stereotyping is starting to harm those who may not fit that perfect mould?  Not everyone can have the body of a Greek god with perfect hair, muscles upon muscles, great abs, a large package, etc.

Unfortunately, the media does tend to paint the picture that only the most attractive amongst us could possibly be considered successful, happy, or desirable.  That you ‘must’ look like an Abercrombie model in order to be attractive.

When you really get down to it, the actual percentage that would fit that stereotype is probably quite slim, whereas the rest of us could be considered average with varying degrees up or down.  But yet we’ve somehow allowed ourselves to buy into the shallowness and try to strive to reach that unattainable ‘perfection’ and hotness – the perfect body, the hot AF boyfriend, the ideal life.

What a load of crap, huh?

Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone.  Not everyone is turned on by an awesome set of abs, pecs that are marble-like slabs, a chiselled chin, or an ass so tight and peachy you could bounce a quarter off it.

There are whole sub-sects of the gay community that perceive things differently, and have different ideals of what is beautiful (bears, chubby-chasers, etc).  But sadly the media would consider them ‘average’ and perhaps even dismiss them for not wanting to live up to what’s considered an ideal.

Regardless of what you find attractive, it’s more likely that this ‘yearning’ for what others have is due to all of us (gay, straight or anyone in between) regularly comparing our lives to those around us, or to those depicted in the media.  And as much as we know deep down it’s all a facade, we can’t help but to buy into the happy-happy everyone posts on their social media and think ‘I wish that was me’ or ‘I want that’.

But does that necessarily mean your life will be more difficult when you’re just considered ‘average’ (*gasp* the horror…)?  Are you less likely to become successful at you job, or snag that man of your dreams?

Well… yes and no.  It’s all dependant on how you approach life.

As difficult as it can be at times, you can’t live your life comparing yourself to others.  There’s no magic formula for where you should be in life by a certain age, just a bunch of pressure you’ve put on yourself.  And there’s nothing saying that you have to have the same things in your life that your friends or family do.

And that’s the joy of life – it’s different for everyone.  And no matter how you look, you might have the same insecurities, hopes or dreams as that super hot guy beside you on the tube, or as that regular bloke sitting across the pub from you.  Or you might have different ones.

In the end, the most important thing in life is how we perceive ourselves and we really shouldn’t allow the media or other people’s perceptions of beauty to detract from our own self worth.  We should own our average-ness and not allow others to make us feel ‘less than’ because we don’t fit their mould.

Because when you get right down to it, you’re exactly who you’re supposed to be right at this moment.


Can’t help but look around and question whether or not you belong? Magazines, online publications, and nearly every TV show might show a gay couple cuddled up, but why do they all look like supermodels?

Source: The Trouble With Being Average Looking in the Gay Community – GayGuys.com

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Is it a Hookup or a Date?

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Sometimes I honestly wish gay men came with instruction manuals.  Or at least a translator so you can truly understand what the hell they’re saying… and what they actually mean.

I’ve never been that lucky in love (don’t get me started…), and I always seem to have issues determining what a guy really wants from me.  Is he just after sex?  Does he want to get to know me more as a person?  Is this just a booty call, or is it a precursor to potentially something more?

And the most frustrating part is when you ask them point blank what they’re looking for and you still don’t know afterwards.

Now don’t get me wrong… I enjoy sex just like any other man out there, and have had the (*cough*) occasional hook-up but sometimes it truly is hard to figure out what a guy wants.

For instance, if you’re chatting with a guy online or on an app, and they keep saying how much they want to sleep with you or how hot they think you are, then you generally know if you’re meeting for a coffee that it’s probably just a precursor to having sex.  Or at least they’re trying to maintain a pretence of civility by meeting in person first.

But what about the guys that say they ‘want to get to know you better’ or they like you for ‘more than just sex’.  Does that mean they actually want to get to know you, maybe actually go on a date?  Or is that just ‘gay-speak’ for not wanting it to just be an anonymous shag?  So they can yell out the correct name during sex?

For some reason, it’s become more difficult of late to determine if someone just wants something casual or actually wants to go on dates.  Or they claim to want to just be friends, but then make the moves on you when out at the pub.

At what point do you draw the line?

It just seems in this day and age of casual hookups, open relationships and all these ‘dating’ apps, that most (single) gay men out there don’t seem willing to actually date any more, let alone be willing to commit to anything more.  They’d rather just ‘try before you buy’ – jump into bed with someone first, and then if the sex was any good they’ll decide if they want to find out more than just the other guy’s sexual preferences.

I’ve heard many guys proclaim that ‘love is dead’ or ‘romance doesn’t exist any more’, and that just makes me sad.  And I can’t help but wonder who the hell hurt them so bad that they’d give up on love.

As a society, we’ve become so damn non-committal about everything in our lives of late and not just about romantic relationships. It’s like we’re all afraid to commit to something just to find out later on it wasn’t worth it.

And sadly we’re all guilty of it too, just some more than others.

Who hasn’t tentatively agreed to plans with someone just to turn around and cancel or reschedule when something more interesting comes up?  Or cancelled that ‘date’ with the sort-of cute guy from the app when your crush calls up last minute wanting to ‘hang out’.

If only there was a way to cut through all the bullshit and just be honest with each other without any ulterior motives or worrying that we’ll hurt someone’s feelings.

Gawd forbid, huh?


Does that man you like want a hookup or a date? Learn 7 signs he’s looking for a hookup and not romance. Do you know these signs?

Source: 7 Obvious Signs He Wants to Hookup and Not Date

Paris Pt 1 – Love of Travel

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Like a lot of people out there, I absolutely love to travel and explore new places.  There’s no better feeling than wandering around a city you’ve never been to before to get a feel of the place, admire the different architecture, and get first-hand experience of a different culture.

And because I love nothing better than exploring a city by foot and find some hidden gems, I would always ensure I’ve found a place to stay that was fairly central without breaking my budget.  Or making me share a bathroom with strangers.  *Shudders*

But for some reason I completely ignored my own instincts when I went to Paris this past April.  And that probably attributed to why I didn’t enjoy this trip as much as I might have.

I’d never really considered Paris a ‘must see’ city on my bucket list, but more of a ‘one of these days’ sort of place.  Or at least I’d hope to be able to go with someone special once day.

Originally when I was looking to take some much needed time off in the Spring, I had planned on spending a few days splayed out on a Spanish nude beach.  But a co-worker had just come back from Paris with his wife (for Valentine’s Day no less), and he kept extolling how amazing the city was that I eventually decided to try something new instead of yet another trip to Spain (went to Spain 5 times last year alone…).  He kept raving about how amazing the city was, and how terrific the hotel they’d stayed at was, how easy it was to get around, and so forth.

So out of curiosity, I looked into it and surprisingly found a great Eurostar deal, and the hotel he’d suggested was probably one of the cheapest I’d found (especially when it included breakfast and wasn’t just a single bed).  So in the end I figured why the hell not.

Damn I wish I’d gone to the beach as originally planned…

The first mistake was that stupid hotel.  Sure, it was clean, the (very) basic breakfast was filling enough, the room fairly comfortable, and the neighbourhood was very quiet … all quite good things in the end.  But it basically just felt like any other plain, generic budget hotel chain you could find anywhere in the world, and that was the problem for me.  No Parisian feel to it.

Plus it was SOOOOOO far away from central Paris.  I ended up spending too much time and money on the stuffy Metro system.  And the directions my co-worker had given me took me on a longer and more complicated route to find the place upon arrival.

He clearly didn’t check a map when they went.

There wasn’t much nearby the hotel, and on the Sunday evening literally everything was closed in the area including the restaurants.  So I found myself trekking all over just to find a place open to have dinner and buy cigarettes.  And because I hadn’t planned on that, I didn’t have any transit tickets with me, so had to walk about 45 minutes to get back to the hotel.

Besides the issues with the hotel, I just didn’t find myself excited about being in Paris itself.

Now I’m not sure if it was my disappointment over the hotel, but I just couldn’t get myself excited to tour around Paris.  Sure, I did all the usual things – Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, Sacre-Coeur, the Louvre, and so forth – but none of it got me excited or thrilled that I was in Paris.

It also didn’t help things any that I was having issues with the battery on my mobile, as it kept dying on me mid-afternoon.  And this was with me not leaving the hotel until almost noon each day with a full charge.

So more than anything I kept feeling frustrated in Paris.  And as my legs were a bit sore, the last thing I’d wanted to do was to wander the streets like I normally would… so I ended up doing a hop-on hop-off bus tour around the city and only going to the major tourist points.

And for some reason, the last thing I’d felt like doing each night was trek back into central Paris to go out to one of the gay bars.  I’d stopped at one not too far from Notre Dame on my first afternoon there, and I just wasn’t impressed.  And this was a place friends of mine had recommended to me.

So moral of the story?  Do your own research into where to stay.  Go with your gut when picking a location.  And go where you truly want to go, not where everyone says you should.

Next – Part 2 of the trip, and the issues I had on my last day.

Just a Face in the Crowd

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Sometimes it’s hard to feel like I stand out in life.  That there’s something about me that makes me unique from everyone else.

And I don’t think this is the same as having a purpose in life.  This is more about feeling like there’s something special about myself that others may find interesting and make them want to get to know me better.

Or perhaps I just feel like I’m a boring person.  That I don’t really have much to talk about when trying to have a conversation with people.

Or maybe I’m just crap at talking about myself.

And as silly as it may seem to some, I actually feel slightly horrified when someone DOES try to engage me in small talk about me and my life.  For whatever reason, I’ll freeze up and act like there’s nothing of interest to talk about.  I’ll literally downplay anything exciting that’s been going on recently.

Curiously when I look back, this has actually been an ongoing thing most of my life.  It’s like if I actually boast about something good that’s been going on, then maybe that other person may figure out that there’s really not much interesting about me.  Or that maybe I really don’t deserve the accolades being given, rightfully earned or not.

Maybe I’m just afraid of being the centre of attention.

Is it a self-confidence issue?  Definitely.

I’m not sure why, but I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough or didn’t fit a certain expectation of who I should be as an adult.  As if there was some standard I never felt I could live up to, so ended up spending most of my life feeling less than everyone else around me.

Or perhaps in my youth, it was instilled in me that doing well and showing off how well you did was a bad thing.  That it made me boastful or egotistic in some way to celebrate any accomplishments I might have made.

An example of this was about 9 years ago when I travelled to Copenhagen with my LBGT softball group to compete in the World OutGames.  Because there weren’t enough teams for a proper men’s tournament, the organisers allowed us to compete in another sport of our choosing for no additional fee.

As I’d been bowling since I was 9 years old, I decided it be a laugh to sign up for the bowling tournament.  There were a few other guys doing the same, so I’d still know a few people and wouldn’t feel too out of place around strangers.

Now the big shock was how I somehow found my groove and kicked some serious ass.  And I ended up winning a Gold in the singles competition and a Silver in the doubles.  This was especially shocking as I’d never really won much as a kid/teen in bowling competitions, and was an average bowler at best as an adult.

But afterwards I got all shy and almost embarrassed that I’d done so well in the tournament!

I even tried to hide my medals behind each other as we marched in the Pride parade with the rest of the athletes at the end of the week.  Like most things in my life, I downplayed my accomplishment and even tried to give excuses why I won.

Stupid huh?

I seem to do it in most aspects of my life.  Hell, I even do it with this blog that I’ve been writing for almost 10 years now.  I’ll get all shy when someone shows the least bit of interest in my writing or asks to read any of it, when I should be truly proud of what I’ve created here over the past decade.

Odds are other people probably feel like I stand out more than I think I do and that I am special in some way.  And hopefully one day I can allow myself to feel that about myself too.

I Get Attached Too Easily

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I don’t know why it is, but whenever I meet someone new romantically (for lack of a better word…), I somehow end up getting super attached a lot quicker than I’d like.

It’s something that has occurred for me many times over the years, and despite me actively trying NOT to do this, it still happens without warning.  I can’t seem to help myself.

It’s usually the same old story – meet some cute guy, there’s an instant mutual physical attraction, and we get along like gang-busters.  We’ll end up chatting and texting very regularly, with the conversations becoming quite intimate while also getting to know each other.

And yeah, sure.. there’s some great sex.  That should be a given.  😉

Once I like a guy, I’m basically done and have no interest in continuing to look around for someone else.  I’m always open to seeing if this could potentially be something more than just a casual thing or friendship.

And perhaps it’s that openness to see where things go is what scares them off and causes them to put the brakes on whatever has been going on between us.  It’s not like I’m immediately suggesting we get married, but what’s wrong with showing interest in being more than friends-with-benefits?

What I do find interesting (and slightly disturbing) is how I seem to not have any say in where things go between us.  How the whole decision whether we should date or not is solely in their hands.  How by being so open and honest about what I’d like I’ve somehow given them all the power in whatever ‘relationship’ we’re in.

Messed up, huh?

What can I say.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, even when I’m trying not to.  Even when I’m trying to be cold and distant as a way to play the ‘game’, I still end up being the emotional one.  The one who gets their feelings hurt.

It’s just who I am.

And should I really have to change who I am as a person to get a boyfriend or relationship?

I should hope not… if someone likes me, then they should like me for me, not for their idealised version of my personality.

Because isn’t that the whole point of dating and finding a partner in life?  To find someone who accepts you for who you truly are, and not try to change you into someone you’re not?

I really hope so… and I really hope that guy shows up soon, before I go all ‘Fatal Attraction’, bunny-boiler on some poor unsuspecting guy.

Kidding… I think.  😉

 

So Much to Catch Up On…

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Yes, I know.  I’ve been a bad, bad blogger once again, as I haven’t posted since the beginning of June.

It’s just been a bit of a busy period lately.. I’ve been away on holidays again TWICE, celebrated Pride in London, dealt with an exhausting situation at work, trying to study for my PRINCE2 certification, and just generally been trying to enjoy the summer as it comes.

Early June saw me return to Madrid for another long weekend, and I got to see so much more of the city that I missed last time.  Yes, it was still disappointing that my ‘friend’ there forgot that I was coming causing me to get a last minute hotel room.. but it definitely allowed me my freedom for the weekend.

The week before that trip there was a big change at work – my colleague was asked to help in another office for a week or two as cover, as that part of the department was moving locations and a couple people quit instead of moving.

Meaning I was going to be working alone during that time..

This supposed temporary cover quickly became permanent as she liked it and chose to transfer, which wasn’t much of a surprise as they’re much busier than we are.  What was a surprise is how the bosses decided that I’d be able to do it all myself as we’re ‘not busy enough for two people’, even though we’ve told them it’s too much for one person.

Most nights I was coming home mentally exhausted and would crash as soon as I got in the door.  This means that I haven’t done a lot of studying for my course, even though my bosses have said they’d add to my recent raise once I’ve finished the first part of it.  I’m trying.. but it hasn’t been easy.

So now it’s about two months later and I’m still working alone.. and on my most recent week off, they didn’t even bother to have someone cover for me so I returned to work last Monday to a massive load of work.  It was a rough week, but I think I’m almost caught up now.

Speaking of.. I had to use up the last of my holidays before they reset end of July, so decided last minute to spend a couple nights in Barcelona and then the rest of the week in the beautiful Sitges.  This allowed me to have both a city and a beach break at the same time.

Barcelona was just absolutely stunning!!  I’d never been there before, so was looking forward to exploring the city and doing one of the bus tours as I technically only had one full day there.  On my way to the buses, I got cruised by this very handsome Spanish daddy-bear, who looked so much like a friend back in London that it gave me a shock.

Obviously I just had to delay my planned bus tour.  Hehehe

After that very lovely distraction, I finally got to the touristy stuff and saw a lot of the city from the open-top tour bus.  There’s so much to see there that I clearly need to return for another visit, as I didn’t really get to explore much (only had so much time on the bus).

For the rest of the week, I went just south of Barcelona to the seaside village of Sitges, which is known for it’s gay scene around the world (think the Spanish Provincetown), and has a massive bear week every September which friends keep raving about.

It was such a lovely place to wander around, enjoy the sea and the sand, and the place itself just had such an amazing laid-back vibe that I can’t wait to return.  The naturist beach was phenomenal and so inclusive.  And the sea was so amazing that I didn’t want to get out of it, especially on my last day.  Hahaha

Oh and it definitely helped that I ran into a few people I knew from London there.  And that handsome distraction from Barcelona?  He actually lives in Sitges, so we got to see each other several times whilst there.. mostly when his boyfriend was at work.  Ooopsy!! LOL

So other that all that, we had London Pride (meh..), a very grey and chilly July, and my landlord was here most of June (double meh..).

Oh, and it was my birthday end of June. Other than meeting a lovely friend for dinner and drinks of the day itself (a Thursday), I didn’t do much else to celebrate my day.  I’d taken a nice long weekend for it, but didn’t really leave the house during it.  I just didn’t feel like doing much, especially as I barely heard from anyone during that time (other than the usual Facebook birthday greetings).

But oh well.. that’s in the past, and I have to say I’ve been having a very lovely summer, and am amazed at how much travelling I’ve done this year so far (4 trips already.. all to Spain funny enough lol).

We’ll have to see what the rest of the year brings and how things go at work.

And hopefully even more amazing holidays. 😀

Is it a Hookup or a Date?

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Sometimes I honestly wish gay men came with instruction manuals.  Or at least a translator so you can truly understand what the hell they’re saying… and what they actually mean.

I’ve never been that lucky in love (don’t get me started…), and I always seem to have issues determining what a guy really wants from me.  Is he just after sex?  Does he want to get to know me more as a person?  Is this just a booty call, or is it a precursor to potentially something more?

And the most frustrating part is when you ask them point blank what they’re looking for and you still don’t know afterwards.

Now don’t get me wrong… I enjoy sex just like any other man out there, and have had the (*cough*) occasional hook-up but sometimes it truly is hard to figure out what a guy wants.

For instance, if you’re chatting with a guy online or on an app, and they keep saying how much they want to sleep with you or how hot they think you are, then you generally know if you’re meeting for a coffee that it’s probably just a precursor to having sex.  Or at least they’re trying to maintain a pretence of civility by meeting in person first.

But what about the guys that say they ‘want to get to know you better’ or they like you for ‘more than just sex’.  Does that mean they actually want to get to know you, maybe actually go on a date?  Or is that just ‘gay-speak’ for not wanting it to just be an anonymous shag?  So they can yell out the correct name during sex?

For some reason, it’s become more difficult of late to determine if someone just wants something casual or actually wants to go on dates.  Or they claim to want to just be friends, but then make the moves on you when out at the pub.

At what point do you draw the line?

It just seems in this day and age of casual hookups, open relationships and all these ‘dating’ apps, that most (single) gay men out there don’t seem willing to actually date any more, let alone be willing to commit to anything more.  They’d rather just ‘try before you buy’ – jump into bed with someone first, and then if the sex was any good they’ll decide if they want to find out more than just the other guy’s sexual preferences.

I’ve heard many guys proclaim that ‘love is dead’ or ‘romance doesn’t exist any more’, and that just makes me sad.  And I can’t help but wonder who the hell hurt them so bad that they’d give up on love.

As a society, we’ve become so damn non-committal about everything in our lives of late and not just about romantic relationships. It’s like we’re all afraid to commit to something just to find out later on it wasn’t worth it.

And sadly we’re all guilty of it too, just some more than others.

Who hasn’t tentatively agreed to plans with someone just to turn around and cancel or reschedule when something more interesting comes up?  Or cancelled that ‘date’ with the sort-of cute guy from the app when your crush calls up last minute wanting to ‘hang out’.

If only there was a way to cut through all the bullshit and just be honest with each other without any ulterior motives or worrying that we’ll hurt someone’s feelings.

Gawd forbid, huh?


Does that man you like want a hookup or a date? Learn 7 signs he’s looking for a hookup and not romance. Do you know these signs?

Source: 7 Obvious Signs He Wants to Hookup and Not Date

Los Hábitats Españoles

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Whenever I travel, I tend to be a bit of a worrier and double (if not triple) check all of my travel arrangements to ensure everything will be okay.  It’s basically the same whenever I leave my house, as I check and re-check that I have my keys, wallet, and so forth.

Ok.. so maybe it’s a little OCD on my part, but better same than sorry.

It all stems from a few years ago when I was supposed to travel to Madrid to meet a (then) mate from Amsterdam for a naughty weekend. It was planned a couple of months in advance, and we were both looking forward to it.

Only when I arrived at the airport to check in, there was no booking.  The person at the check-in counter checked and checked again to no avail.

Apparently when I had booked my flight, I hadn’t double-checked the travel dates, as I had actually booked the flight for another date.. a month prior!

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What a mess… And there was nothing I could do except book another really expensive flight, something I couldn’t afford so I had to let me mate know I wasn’t coming.

Well, wouldn’t you know it.. it’s kind of happened again.  And with another trip to Madrid, no less!!!

Only this time it isn’t an issue with the flights (I checked.. again), but with my accommodation.  Dammit..

When I was there in January, I’d met an absolutely gorgeous, sexy and super friendly guy, and we’d hit it off right away.  We’d spent a chunk of my weekend there together, and had kept in touch after I’d returned to London.

We were chatting just after I’d returned from Gran Canaria, and I joked that I should come for a visit.  He agreed, so I looked at flights and made sure he was around next weekend, and figured all was good to go.

But over the past week or so, I’d started to get a little niggling feeling in the back of my head, especially as I hadn’t heard from him since I’d booked my flights.  And I started to get a bit paranoid that I’d just assumed that I was staying with him as neither of us had come right out and said as much.

Well… the worrying started to get to me so I sent him a message when I got home from work on Wednesday night.

And damn.. it was a good thing I did as he forgot all about it!!!! 

Basically, we were chatting about upcoming holidays and I’d mentioned I was looking to plan something for my week off in July.. but until I decided that holiday, I was just looking forward to my trip to Madrid next weekend.  To which he asked which dates I was coming…

That’s when the penny dropped.

After I told him my travel dates, and he immediately started to apologise.  Apparently he’d forgotten to write it in his diary and had already agreed for a ‘friend’ to come stay for the weekend.

WHAT?!?!?!

Let’s just say there was a hell of a lot of swearing and yelling (at my mobile) on my part.  A LOT.

How the hell could I have not made sure of all this before now?  I’d been worried about it awhile, so why hadn’t I mentioned something to him?

Of course, it’s not really my fault when you think about it.  I did tell him when I’d booked the flights and how long I was going to be in town for.  I even made sure he knew when my flight was arriving so we could arrange to meet up once he finished work.

I said to him point blank (finally) that I thought I was staying with him for the weekend, which was why I’d checked he was around back when I’d booked my flights.  The last thing I’d expected was to have to find a place to stay for the weekend.. especially as the main reason I was going to Madrid was to spend time with HIM.

There was a LOT of apologising on his end for obvious reasons.  He said he usually always writes this sort of thing down (how many ‘friends’ does he have come to visit him?!?), but somehow forgot about me.

Just my damn luck, huh?

He did confirm that his friend wasn’t arriving until Saturday afternoon, so I could at least stay with him on the Friday night.  So then it was about scrambling to to find something relatively decent for the remaining two nights.

It’s most definitely NOT what I had planned or budgeted for, but it’ll have to do.  My poor credit card…

All I can say is he’s definitely going to have to beg and plead for my forgiveness on the Friday night (he’s joked that he’ll be my slave for the night… hmmmm).  He can at least buy me dinner for all this trouble.

The upside is I now have a centrally located hotel for the remaining two evenings, so who knows what trouble I could get myself into.  🙂

Dating Debacles – The Clown

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Nope, that’s sadly not a joke.  I actually went on a date last week with an actual clown (and Charlie Chaplin impersonator).

And no, he wasn’t in full make-up at the time.  LOL

To be honest, I’d been somewhat hesitant to meet this guy (Argentinian-Italian mix) as there was something about his manner that put me off a bit.  We’d been chatting for a couple months at this point, so I figured might as well.

Alarm bells started going off right away when he called me out of the blue last Sunday evening, wanting me to meet him right away.  He was just finishing work and didn’t want to go home… so he just assumed I’d be home alone and ‘desparate’ for some company.

As if.

I eventually put him off meeting until the next evening after work around 7pm so I could go home to freshen up before meeting.  Especially as I hadn’t shaved my head or trimmed my beard in weeks, so I was looking quite shaggy.

But then I got a message from him around 4pm while still at work saying he wanted to meet at 5pm… which was when I finished work.  Which meant I didn’t get a chance to go home to freshen up or anything.

I don’t know why, but his eagerness and changing things on me last minute kind of pissed me off.  To the point where I almost cancelled on him.  Maybe I should have.

I eventually agreed to meet him at the station closest to work (Forest Hill) as I could walk there with time to spare… and ended up actually being about 20 minutes early.

Once he’d arrived, we’d decided to head to the pub across the street (since none of the coffee shops in that area are open past 5pm).. only to find out he doesn’t actually drink.  And I got the feeling he was a bit critical of those who do, even if he never came out and said so.

Anyway, we both got soft drinks (booooo…. where’s the vodka??) and sat on the little terrace to chat.  And surprisingly, he was quite the charmer throughout the conversation.  He kept complimenting me on my eyes and hands for some reason.. and I found myself being drawn to him physically, even though I didn’t necessarily find him that attractive.

And the farmer-joe cover-alls he’d shown up in didn’t help any either.  And that made me feel a bit too shallow for my liking..

Anyway, one thing lead to another and he asked if he could see my flat.  This was after holding my hands several times and staring deep into my eyes.. And even serenading my on his little eukele.

Like I said before, he was a charmer so I figured ‘what the hell’, and went with it.

What a mistake…

I honestly thought I was having sex with the clown from Stephen King’s ‘IT’….

He kept biting me through it all, and not little love bites either.  He was biting so hard that I was afraid he was going to break the skin… and he kept doing it after I told him time after time that I wasn’t enjoying it.

Oh.. and he kept talking to me in Spanish and getting me to agree with him by saying ‘Si’ after every statement, even though he knew I didn’t understand what he was saying.  For a ‘clown’, he was extremely agressive, rough, and controlling, which I definitely don’t enjoy.

And he absolutely refused to do anything more than just kiss me chastely on the lips.  No hot, passionate kissing.. which is one of the things I enjoy the most.

And yes, I did try to stop things several times because of all of the above.. but then he started being sweet and nice, and next thing I knew we were right back to where we were before I’d stopped things.

It was like he didn’t care what I felt as long as he got his rocks off.. which he did while we were standing in the kitchen, against the washing machine … ok, that part was kinda hot.  LOL

Afterwards, I walked him to the bus stop to ensure he could get home ok, and then he explained the no kissing thing – he said I had really bad breath (whaaat!?!?!) and that he only kisses when he’s ‘in love’.  He then proceeded to criticise my weight (but he’s into chubby guys?), eating habits (based on what little he could see on my kitchen shelves), grooming habits (if I’d been able to go home after work, I would have been able to shave and trim my beard..), and so forth..

Overall it left a very bad taste in my mouth (and I don’t mean from my ‘supposed’ bad breath.. I was chewing gum too).  Not to mention the bite marks all over my shoulders, back, and neck, which were quite painful for a couple of days after.

I do NOT respond well to negativity and guys being overly critical of things they have no right to even bring up, especially on a first date.  And the more I thought back on our conversation at the pub, the more it makes me realise I should have seen the warning signs sooner.

I’m sure he’s expecting me to come crawling to him to ask for a second date… because in his eyes I don’t have enough self-esteem to want more in my life than a biting, overly-critical clown.

Good thing I don’t like clowns.  😉

Fat Shamed at the Gym

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I recently had a chance to read the below article about a guy who’s a bit over-weight who was made to feel bad about himself because of his weight.  Have a read:

http://www.gaypopbuzz.com/i-was-fat-shamed-by-a-gay-man-at-my-gym/

Now of course I have several things wrong with this article.. not the least the reaction of the muscle-bound narciscist who’d fat-shamed the author when he’d invited him to going him for a baseball game.

Not a date. Not sex. Not a romantic dinner for two.  A freakin’ baseball game.

Obviously, the author probably was hoping for more than just two ‘bros’ hanging out at the game, but that’s not the way it came across in his invitation.  He just seemed to be trying to be friendly.

And in my opinion, the author had every right to feel bad after the muscle guy tried to ‘fat-shame’ him.  And kudos to him for being able to shed about 100 lbs, and looking to work off a bit more.  It’s never an easy thing to do, and the older you get the harder it is to lose the weight.

Trust me on that one…

One thing I did have an issue with in the article is how the author seemed to buy into society’s view of what is healthy or fit or ‘fat’.  And from a chubby guy’s point of view, it’s like he’s ‘fat-shaming’ himself and anyone else who doesn’t have a trim waist.

He said he was 5’10” and about 200 lbs.. now while that isn’t what society considers as fit or standardly healthy, it isn’t obese either.  Or maybe he’s just going on what he feels is own ideal weight.

When I’d first opened this article, I was hoping for something a bit more enlightening surrounding the experience of being a bigger guy going to a gym.. but instead of being encouraging, the author just allowed himself to buy into the usual sterepotypes of gays in the gym – that they’re only there to hook up.

I’m sure a gym can be a very social place and a great way to meet new people, but if you’re there to focus on exercising, cruising the other guys isn’t going to help you meet your goals in the end.

But perhaps that’s my own insecurities surounding going to a gym getting the better of me.  I haven’t stepped inside a gym in about 3 years, and it had been a good decade before then…

I keep telling myself I’m going to join a gym to help boost my weight loss – especially as it’s ground to a halt after returning from holidays.  I have been trying to keep up my daily walking, with goals to hit 40 minutes or 6000 steps a day, whichever one comes first.

But that’s been a bit hit and miss most days, and my diet hasn’t exactly been the best either… but it’s not bad like it used to be, though I do have my days.  I seem to be alright throughout the day, especially at work, but at night the desire to snack kicks in.

It’s not like I don’t know what I need to do to lose the weight, or what foods I should or shouldn’t eat.  I think at times it’s more about will-power and the feeling like whatever I’m doing it isn’t making much of a difference.

It’s hard when you’re sitting there munching on celery and counting every calorie when the skinny people around you are chowing down on crisps or McDonalds with a care in the world.. and they never seem to gain a single pound.

(yes… I know it’s all about metabalisms and activity levels.. just venting my frustrations and how stressed it makes me.)

Before my holidays I’d lost about 25 lbs, and have surprisingly kept it off a month later which is fantastic.  My goal is to lose another 40 – 50 lbs, which would bring me back to the weight I was abpout 5 years ago.

Just wish there was an easier way to do it.. I hate going to a gym.

Damn, I’m lazy LOL