Feeling Funky.. and Not in a Good Way

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Life can be hard at times for pretty much everyone, though it can be harder for some than others.

However I sometimes wonder if I’m subconsciously making my life harder than it really needs to be.  That I let my emotions and negative thoughts take over my active behaviours, which sometimes leads me to pushing people away when I don’t mean to.

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit over the past few days as I spend the holidays alone.  A couple of close friends stayed in town this year as well, but instead of us getting together like I tried to suggest, they each chose to spend the day on their own.

This was not a great feeling, and although I tried not to, I took it as a personal affront that they (seemingly) couldn’t be bothered to just spend the day together. Christmas is a time to spend with loved ones, be it family or friends, and I actually felt abandoned.

It wasn’t about doing some massive Christmas dinner or whatever, but more about having some friendly company.  Or at least it was for me.

What I found though, as I spent the past two days completely alone, that my emotions were getting the better of me.  I was sad and angry at the same time, and anyone who sent me a cheery Christmas greeting got a response full of sadness and negativity.

I couldn’t help it.  All I could focus on over the past couple days was how everyone else was out there enjoying their loved ones while I sat at home alone.

One person messaged me that I should have told them I was going to be alone at Christmas.. to which I replied that if they’d wanted me at theirs for Christmas, then they should have invited me.  That I shouldn’t have to broadcast to the world that I’m alone at Christmas so I could end up with a pity invite.

Maybe that was the wrong response and reaction to their message, but it was a knee-jerk answer and the anger came out.  Of course this was the same person who said they were home alone as well.. with their husband.  That’s not being alone if you ask me.

Of course it didn’t help things whenever I’d log onto Facebook and saw all the happy families and groups of friends having fun with each other.  After awhile I just had to close the site, and couldn’t even bring myself to reply to messages from people I care about.

In the end, I had a marathon viewing of RuPaul’s Drag Race on Netflix over the past several days (finished series 3 lol), as that was the most un-Christmasy thing I could think of to watch.  Plus I was hoping it would cheer me up somewhat.

Christmas-AloneSadly it didn’t.

Anyway, now there’s less than a week left of 2014 and I need to find a way to turn this frown upside down.  The last thing I want to do is start a new year in such a pissed off mood.

And I most definitely don’t want to spend NYE all alone.. again (had a bad flu last year, so couldn’t go out).  That was probably just as bad a feeling, if not worse.

So here’s hoping I can get myself out of this funk.. If not, maybe it’s time to speak to the doctor again for some help.  😦

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2 thoughts on “Feeling Funky.. and Not in a Good Way

  1. Very honest blog. Sometimes we find it’s easier to bitch than to see the good amongst the mist that surrounds us. Now this may sound completely bizarre, I spend the holidays with family, and all I wanted was to be alone. It’s was a painful couple of days, pretending to be all happy and festive. Truth was I was exhausted, sidelined and come to the conclusion I have little in common with with my family. The mean well, but we just distanced. My eldest brother seems to be so highly righteous and I am the side kick. The ” gay one “. Tye disappointing one. My be my insecurities, or my need for some sort of acceptance.

    So you may have been alone, which in itself is real shitty, here is hoping all works out for a great New Years.

    PS back home with William, who spend the day with his family. Ivan

    • Sorry to hear you had a painful and uncomfortable Xmas, but you’ve got through it which shows how strong you are, regardless of what they think of you.

      I can only hope the new year will be a much better and happier place for you.. and for me as well. Can only wait and see.

      Hope you had a terrific New Years with William. x

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