Feeling Funky.. and Not in a Good Way

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Life can be hard at times for pretty much everyone, though it can be harder for some than others.

However I sometimes wonder if I’m subconsciously making my life harder than it really needs to be.  That I let my emotions and negative thoughts take over my active behaviours, which sometimes leads me to pushing people away when I don’t mean to.

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit over the past few days as I spend the holidays alone.  A couple of close friends stayed in town this year as well, but instead of us getting together like I tried to suggest, they each chose to spend the day on their own.

This was not a great feeling, and although I tried not to, I took it as a personal affront that they (seemingly) couldn’t be bothered to just spend the day together. Christmas is a time to spend with loved ones, be it family or friends, and I actually felt abandoned.

It wasn’t about doing some massive Christmas dinner or whatever, but more about having some friendly company.  Or at least it was for me.

What I found though, as I spent the past two days completely alone, that my emotions were getting the better of me.  I was sad and angry at the same time, and anyone who sent me a cheery Christmas greeting got a response full of sadness and negativity.

I couldn’t help it.  All I could focus on over the past couple days was how everyone else was out there enjoying their loved ones while I sat at home alone.

One person messaged me that I should have told them I was going to be alone at Christmas.. to which I replied that if they’d wanted me at theirs for Christmas, then they should have invited me.  That I shouldn’t have to broadcast to the world that I’m alone at Christmas so I could end up with a pity invite.

Maybe that was the wrong response and reaction to their message, but it was a knee-jerk answer and the anger came out.  Of course this was the same person who said they were home alone as well.. with their husband.  That’s not being alone if you ask me.

Of course it didn’t help things whenever I’d log onto Facebook and saw all the happy families and groups of friends having fun with each other.  After awhile I just had to close the site, and couldn’t even bring myself to reply to messages from people I care about.

In the end, I had a marathon viewing of RuPaul’s Drag Race on Netflix over the past several days (finished series 3 lol), as that was the most un-Christmasy thing I could think of to watch.  Plus I was hoping it would cheer me up somewhat.

Christmas-AloneSadly it didn’t.

Anyway, now there’s less than a week left of 2014 and I need to find a way to turn this frown upside down.  The last thing I want to do is start a new year in such a pissed off mood.

And I most definitely don’t want to spend NYE all alone.. again (had a bad flu last year, so couldn’t go out).  That was probably just as bad a feeling, if not worse.

So here’s hoping I can get myself out of this funk.. If not, maybe it’s time to speak to the doctor again for some help.  😦

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It’s Depressing To Feel Nothing

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depressionDepression is something that not a lot of people are willing to talk about, or even acknowledge exists.  Despite the fact that it affects most people, either directly or indirectly.

People who are depressed are generally unable to think outside of depression mode at the moment

There are several thoughts on whether or not medication can actually help lift the person out of the depression, or whether it just represses the feelings of hopelessness and utter despair.  For a while anyway.

At least that’s been my experience.  I’ve been on anti-depressants for about a month and a half now.  I have a lot less lows than I had before.. but at the same time, a lot less highs as well.

I recently saw a video on Facebook the other day by Christian Pankhurst that helped put some things in perspective to an extent.

It’s Depressing to Feel Nothing (Click to see the video)

Christian Pankhurst, is a coach, speaker, seminar leader and author. He is a leading expert in a variety of fields including intimacy building, addiction recovery, emotional awareness, male sexuality, couple dynamics, conflict resolution, stress management and heart-centered communication.

In this video he talks about how repressing natural emotions – like joy, anger, sadness, envy and so forth – will literally make you sick and eat you up from the inside.  He goes on to state that all emotions are healthy, but not when you press them down.  That turns them into unhealthy emotions, like rage, need, resentment, depression, panic, etc.

??????????????????????????????????????????????These unhealthy emotions aren’t truly emotions, but are instead repressed energy.

Emotion is the contrast of where you are and where you want to be.

I was especially interested in his section about sadness.  As he puts it, sadness is one of the ways we show empathy with other human beings.  Be that when something doesn’t happen the way you’d expected it to, or when you’ve had a loss of some sort (grief).

And that it’s a natural, and very healthy emotion.

Depression however is not an emotion itself, but is instead the absence of emotion.  It comes from not allowing yourself to feel your grief and by repressing your sadness.  Or even from not allowing you to feel any of the range of natural emotions.  Nothing seems comforting, pleasurable, or worth living for.

depression-tiredIt’s literally depressing to feel nothing.

That nothingness can be all encompassing, and totally takes over your life whether you want it to or not.  Too often, when people are in the depression, they get no enjoyment from the things they used to love.. or sometimes even the people they love or care about.

Instead, the nothingness can make you feel a range of negative emotions:

  • Resentment towards others who’s lives are going well or are out enjoying life;
  • Shame in how your feeling (or not feeling to be exact) and how that makes you react to others who may just be trying to help you;
  • Alienation or isolation from those around you, as you feel like you can’t relate to them anymore;
  • A lack of self-esteem because accomplishments no longer matter, no longer seem genuine, or are overshadowed by negative self-images;
  • Abandonment because you feel irredeemably unlovable despite people trying to help you.

And so forth.  There’s no one specific path a person takes when dealing with depression, as everyone experiences it differently.

Mandela_2_0“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Nelson Mandela

Now that have a somewhat better understanding of how depression occurs and how I react to it, I hope that I can start moving past it.

It won’t be easy or even that quick.  Problem is, time may be running out in a way.. More on that another time.