A Not So Joyous Season

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I’m doing my best to try to maintain a more positive, up beat attitude as a way to fight the normal negative thoughts that pop into my head uninvited.

And I think I was doing alright with that… Until this potentially soul-crushing festive period crept up on me – Christmas.

I think it really started to hit me end of last, or perhaps on the weekend, that once again I’ve got nothing planned for the ‘special’ day. I’d hoped to spend it with one of two friends (or both), but they’ve both decided to just have a quiet day at home alone.

Not that it matters anyway, as I wouldn’t have been able to have either/both of them over to mine as my landlord is having people over. So that would mean no opportunity to use the kitchen or space to hang out other than in my bedroom.

My landlord has said I’m welcome to join him and his friends tomorrow, but I’m not sure how much I’d enjoy spending Christmas with strangers.

And speaking of practical strangers, I did get a sort-of invite from a guy I’ve been chatting to for a couple weeks who lives nearby to join him and his flatmate for Christmas. But again, it be spending it with someone I barely know so dunno how well we’d get along.

Besides, who wants the first time meeting someone new you’ve been flirting with online to be on Christmas Day??

I would just hole myself up in my bedroom for the day, but that would just be shit as I’d be able to hear them in the lounge. Plus I won’t have time to pick up any food for myself (simple stuff since I probably wouldn’t get much of a chance to cook) as most shops are closing early in my area and I don’t know if I’d make it before they closed.

*Sigh* I don’t know. I kind of wished I’d planned something, like arranged a cheap trip out of town or something. Not that I could really afford that..

I do wish I could have afforded to fly home for the holidays this year. It’s been 3 years since the last time I went home, so it be great to see them. Especially after my mother recent went through heart surgery a little while back.

But it’s too expensive and I wouldn’t have been able to get the time off work, so no point wishing for something that couldn’t have happened anyway.

I don’t know. I’m just feeling a bit meh about the holidays, especially tonight. I’d agreed to meet with a mate after work for a bite and maybe a drink. Only to find out on my way to his work (my work let out early, shockingly) that he’d been asked to stay at work until 8:30pm.

So instead of waiting around an hour or so, it be well over 3 hours waiting. I’m not sure I want to do that or just go home. (I’m not blaming him, it just sucks cause I had no other plans..)

Or maybe I should just head to some pub and get pissed by myself. Not exactly a fun idea either… Getting pissed, yes. By myself, not so much.

I just feel like I’m at a loose end for the holidays with nowhere to turn and nobody to spend it with. Again.

Here’s hoping all your Christmases turn out better than mine is looking at the moment. xx

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