Just a Face in the Crowd


Sometimes it’s hard to feel like I stand out in life.  That there’s something about me that makes me unique from everyone else.

And I don’t think this is the same as having a purpose in life.  This is more about feeling like there’s something special about myself that others may find interesting and make them want to get to know me better.

Or perhaps I just feel like I’m a boring person.  That I don’t really have much to talk about when trying to have a conversation with people.

Or maybe I’m just crap at talking about myself.

And as silly as it may seem to some, I actually feel slightly horrified when someone DOES try to engage me in small talk about me and my life.  For whatever reason, I’ll freeze up and act like there’s nothing of interest to talk about.  I’ll literally downplay anything exciting that’s been going on recently.

Curiously when I look back, this has actually been an ongoing thing most of my life.  It’s like if I actually boast about something good that’s been going on, then maybe that other person may figure out that there’s really not much interesting about me.  Or that maybe I really don’t deserve the accolades being given, rightfully earned or not.

Maybe I’m just afraid of being the centre of attention.

Is it a self-confidence issue?  Definitely.

I’m not sure why, but I grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough or didn’t fit a certain expectation of who I should be as an adult.  As if there was some standard I never felt I could live up to, so ended up spending most of my life feeling less than everyone else around me.

Or perhaps in my youth, it was instilled in me that doing well and showing off how well you did was a bad thing.  That it made me boastful or egotistic in some way to celebrate any accomplishments I might have made.

An example of this was about 9 years ago when I travelled to Copenhagen with my LBGT softball group to compete in the World OutGames.  Because there weren’t enough teams for a proper men’s tournament, the organisers allowed us to compete in another sport of our choosing for no additional fee.

As I’d been bowling since I was 9 years old, I decided it be a laugh to sign up for the bowling tournament.  There were a few other guys doing the same, so I’d still know a few people and wouldn’t feel too out of place around strangers.

Now the big shock was how I somehow found my groove and kicked some serious ass.  And I ended up winning a Gold in the singles competition and a Silver in the doubles.  This was especially shocking as I’d never really won much as a kid/teen in bowling competitions, and was an average bowler at best as an adult.

But afterwards I got all shy and almost embarrassed that I’d done so well in the tournament!

I even tried to hide my medals behind each other as we marched in the Pride parade with the rest of the athletes at the end of the week.  Like most things in my life, I downplayed my accomplishment and even tried to give excuses why I won.

Stupid huh?

I seem to do it in most aspects of my life.  Hell, I even do it with this blog that I’ve been writing for almost 10 years now.  I’ll get all shy when someone shows the least bit of interest in my writing or asks to read any of it, when I should be truly proud of what I’ve created here over the past decade.

Odds are other people probably feel like I stand out more than I think I do and that I am special in some way.  And hopefully one day I can allow myself to feel that about myself too.

A Year in Review: 2009


For me, 2009 had a lot of ups and downs, as it probably did for a lot of people.  However, this past year had a big impact on my life in London, as it was the first full year I’d been living here.

And boy, did I go through a lot of changes. Well, at least I think I have.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore you (too much) by waxing lyrical over all the minute events of the past year.  I hate it when people do that, and I’d be here all day if I did so.

Possibly the biggest change over the past year has been my living situation.  Moving to Vauxhall with my friend James in March was probably the best thing I could have done this year.  We get along great as flatmates, and we love our flat so much we’ve already renewed our lease for another year.  It became home for both of us very quickly.

Another big change for me this past year was the joining of the London Raiders, a gay and lesbian softball group.  I initially sort of joined them last January through their off-season bowling league thanks to my friend Andrew, but ended up becoming an actual member when softball season started.

The biggest thing that happened for me as a Raider, was going to Copenhagen for the 2009 World OutGames.. where I won Gold and Silver Medals in Bowling, plus a Silver Medal in Softball!!  But best of all, I met some new amazing friends from all over the world that week, several of whom I’ve staying in contact with since.

And of course, anyone who truly knows me knows that I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this past year with work.  At one point, I’d almost lost my job thanks to my own stupidity regarding something I’d posted on here, and then I eventually was let out of my contract (with a weeks notice..) a couple months later when they decided they didn’t have any other work for me there.

Luckily I bounced back very quickly by moving to their biggest competitor in the outsourcing industry, and ended up working for the same company I’d been working for when I first started at the old company. (I’ve learned my lesson not to post anything about the companies I work for.. that’s how I almost lost my job in the first place..)  Admittedly, it’s still not my ideal job.  The last thing I’d wanted to do after moving to London was to work in another call centre, but at least I’m working.

And I suppose the only other thing I should touch on is my love life.  It’s been a tumultuous year, with a lot of fun and interesting people coming into my life one way or another for however short period of time, but it has also been one of self-discovery, awareness, and heartache.

But most of all (and this topic is something I may write more about in length at a later time), I think this past year has made me realise that people do find me interesting and attractive, and that some other people are just after sex, even if they say otherwise.  I’ve also come to realise that I deserve to be more than just someone’s ‘friend with benefits’, so it will be interesting to see what 2010 brings on that front.

I suppose, looking back on this year, you could say it was a good year for some things, and a bad year for other stuff.  But in the end, it was exactly what I made of it, good or bad, and everything that happens shapes who I am as a person.

And now it’s just a matter of taking all that experience into 2010, and making the best of this brand new year.  It’s a time of new beginnings and renewal of life itself.

Happy New Year to each and every one of you.  May 2010 bring you strength, inspiration, and serenity.


Hello again..


It’s been way too long since I’ve written anything on this blog, other than posting a video here and there.  I think I’m well overdue for sure.

I originally set this blog up to explore my writing, and give myself a creative outlet.  It also gave me an opportunity to let people know about the things going on in my life, whether they lived here in London, or back home in Canada.  And for whomever else around the world who found my ramblings interesting.

The thing is, when I first started this blog, I was still trying to find my way around and set a life for myself in London.  And that has happened.

Just yesterday I realized I’ve been living in London for a whole year now, and it amazes me how things have changed in a year.  Hell, it amazes me how things have changed in the past few months!  The past year has just flown by…

Since moving to the new flat in Vauxhall back in March, life has definitely gotten more interesting.  I find myself getting out there more and more to meet new people, and mainly thanks to joining the London Raiders (a gay/lesbian softball group), I have managed to find an amazing group of friends.

But on top of that, I’ve also changed jobs, not by choice unfortunately.  The company I was working for, an outsourcing call centre in Chiswick/Gunnersbury, had moved me to a temporary campaign a few months ago for a banking group, which was a welcome change form the usual broadband I had been doing for ages.  The problem was, once the call volumes went down and they started looking at cutting people from the campaign, there was nowhere else to move me to in the company.

Now because I was still on a temporary contract after 9 some odd months, they only had to give me a week’s notice that they were letting me out of my contract.  And with the current economic downturn in the UK, I was not looking forward to job hunting .. luckily, I was technically only unemployed for a whole 3 days until I was hired at my new job, at another outsourcing company.  At least it pays the bills…

008Around the same time, I was headed to Copenhagen with the Raiders to participate in the 2nd World OutGames, an event that originated in Montreal while I was living there.  We originally were going to be competing in both men’s and women’s softball, but there weren’t enough teams for a men’s tournament, so instead it was a mixed team tournament .. with 3 teams, and 2 of them from our group.

056Luckily, and this was mostly because our guys complained about the lack of an actual tournament, we were allowed to join a second sport and not have to pay a second registration fee.  So, since I’ve been doing it since I was 9 years old, I signed up for the Bowling competition, and am I ever glad I did – I won the GOLD MEDAL for Singles bowling, and a SILVER MEDAL for Double (Social division)!!!  And on top of that, the softball team I was on won a SILVER MEDAL as well!

That’s right.  I came home a triple medal winner!  Talk about completely unexpected..

On top of the successes of Copenhagen, my social and love lives have been positively in overdrive. Ok, maybe that’s a bit of an overexageration, but it does seem like I’ve been going out more and more lately.  It could partly be due to the summer winding down, and everyone trying to get those last BBQ’s in before it gets too chilly.  Whatever the reason, it’s been lots of fun, and I really don’t want it to stop…

As for my love/sex life, well … I won’t go into too much detail, but let’s just say something has changed over the past couple months.  All of a sudden, I’m getting a lot more attention from guys, and not the usual mingers I usually get hitting on me.  I’ve met and had some fun with some really REALLY good looking guys lately, and more seem to be coming out of the woodwork.  Like, these are guys who probably wouldn’t have even looked at me twice a year ago.  But because I’m probably much more comfortable about myself these days, even if I look exactly the same I did a year ago, I’m drawing these guys in.

Whatever the reason for the added attention, I’ve definitely been enjoying myself.  But the interesting thing is, last weekend I met this handsome, sexy older man (he’s 52!!) for drinks and I can honestly see something coming out of it.  We spent most of the weekend together (and no, it wasn’t all in bed!!), and have been chatting all week since.  I don’t know where it’s going, or even if it is going somewhere, but I’m sure going to go with it for now and see if it leads somewhere.

Of course, I do have my reservations regarding him, mostly due to him having 4 children from his first marriage (to a woman), his impending divorce from his husband (marriage number two..), and his being 16 years older than me, but I’m willing to see.  For now.

Other than all that, life is life – dull, routine, mundane.  Just like everyone else’s life, I suppose.

May have to change that.  😉