Loneliness or Boredom


There can sometimes be a fine line between the two, but for some people one can be interchangeable with the other.  And for some people one can lead to the other.boredom

Or at least maybe that’s just the way it is with me.  When I get bored of sitting at home and generally of my own company, that boredom can sometimes lead itself to an annoying loneliness that makes me feel like I’m utterly alone in the world.  And I get to the point where I’m almost desperate for company of any sort.

Yeah I know, not exactly a realistic response to being bored but it’s what happens sometimes.

Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental or emotional factors. (Source: Wikipedia)

Don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time.  Time where it’s all about me and what I want to do, even if it’s just lounging on the sofa playing on my iPad.

people-lonelyBut from time to time, like on a recent weekend, I felt completely abandoned and helpless to change my loneliness.  When this happens I tend to sit around watching the feeds on Facebook or Twitter (and sometimes the new posts on here), and become jealous and down as I watch others out there living life while I’m sitting at home with nothing to do.

I never seem to plan anything in advance these days, despite how (in London) everyone seems to be super busy and you usually need to book things several weeks ahead of time.  And even then there’s no guarantee it’ll even happen.  Most people are always on the look out for things to fill their calendars ahead of time, where I’m usually doing things on the fly.  Which would explain why I spend many a weekend sitting at home by myself.

On this particular weekend, I was looking forward to a nice quiet weekend of relaxation and a bit of writing.  Or at least a nice quiet Friday night with possibly doing something on the Saturday or Sunday with a mate.  Or maybe finding some cutie to spend some time with.  😉

So, the Friday night was nice enough and all.  I’d treated myself to a pizza, did a bit of writing, and watched whatever crap was on TV.  I had messaged a few people I knew (and a couple I didn’t on the ‘dating’ apps), but didn’t really get any responses, which is what I think precipitated my boredom to morph into the loneliness I felt for the rest of the weekend.

And as the weekend went on, and the various messages continued to go unanswered, the worse my loneliness got.

The thing I find interesting (and slightly alarming to myself) is that when I get like this, you’d think the logical course of action would be to get out of the house and just go do something.  Go somewhere where there are lots of people, or go do something special for myself to relieve the boredom of sitting at home alone.Lonlieness3

But instead I become almost agoraphobic in that I won’t leave the house unless I absolutely have to (like for groceries or cigarettes), and get almost resentful that nobody is around or is willing to come visit me while I’m feeling down.

I’ve actually had a few people tell me that because I now live so far away from Central London, it’s ‘too far’ to come visit me at home which I think is kind of bullshit.. If someone’s a friend or mate, then where they live shouldn’t matter.  And when they’re in need of company or just someone to talk to, distance should never be a factor.

I sometimes think that I subconsciously sabotage myself, particularly when I do get the rare invite to go out but somehow end up coming down with a migraine or a stomach ache.  I’m not sure if it’s entirely psychosomatic or if I’m just overanalysing what ‘may’ happen when I go out, but it can be debilitating which leaves me still sitting at home. Maybe I should force myself to go out during those times..

Of course I do know deep down that I’m the only one that can get me out of these funks when they happen, and I can’t be dependent on others to ‘entertain’ me or keep me happy.  And I’m painfully aware that these episodes could be tied to the depression I went through last year (Click HERE for previous post) and are things I still need to work through.

I know I do have a (small) handful of friends who are willing to be there for me, both literally and virtually, but just how much can I rely on them for my own happiness?  I can’t really, and it’s perhaps the neediness I start showing when I’m feeling lonely that can drive people away or prevent them from inviting me along when they go out.

And yes I know there’s nothing stopping me from going out on my own, but let’s be honest.  How fun is standing in a pub by yourself on a Friday or Saturday night with nobody to talk to?

Well, at least I’d still have my mobile to keep me company.  😉



Hunky Santas: The Holiday Card


Now here’s a bit of different type of holiday cheer … courtesy of a sexy Christmas video from underwear designer Andrew Christian.AndrewChristian-Mar2009-0248

Andrew Christian is an American men’s underwear, swimwear, and sportswear manufacturer founded by designer Andrew Christian. The brand is best known for its underwear, which include street, sport and fashion lines, available in various styles.  (Source: Wikipedia)

Of course they are also now known for their advertising videos, per the one below, and for their sexy models.  As well as the fact that the company heavily targets the gay community, with the brand operating gay-themed websites.

I was sent this video from a mate yesterday as a ‘Christmas’ present… was definitely a nice way to spread a little extra sexy holiday cheer.  There’s definitely a bit of eye-candy for pretty much anyone in this video.

Click HERE to see more Andrew Christian videos

Enjoy 😉

Loving You – Matt Cardle & Mel C


I was surfing around Digital Spy last night looking at the entertainment ‘news’ stories, and found the below video from X-Factor UK winner Matt Cardle with ex-Spice Girl Mel C.

matt-cardle2To be honest, I wasn’t expecting too much from it since I hadn’t been impressed with anything Cardle had released since winning the show back in 2010.  His winner’s single, a cover version of Scottish rock trio Biffy Clyro‘s “Many of Horror” retitled as “When We Collide“, topped the UK Singles Chart to become the 2010 Christmas number 1 and remained there for three consecutive weeks.  His 2011 debut album Letters reached number 2 in the UK and Irish charts, with his follow up The Fire a year later only reaching number 8 in the UK, and 14 in Ireland. (source: Wikipedia)

I suppose that’s a decent enough start to his career, but nothing spectacular and none of the songs were exactly that catchy.

And despite me liking Mel C and her voice, she hasn’t exactly had much commercial success in the past few years, so I was thinking this could possibly be two sinking ships desperately trying to cling to each other.Melanie C

Well cling to each they do (literally, in the video).. but somewhat surprisingly this duet does work.  And they look good together too..

Personally I thought the video was a bit odd since you barely see Mel C in the first half despite hearing her voice, but once she pops up on screen it gets better I feel.

Do I think this will some big hit and rock the charts?  No, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it does alright.  I can’t imagine people bopping down the street singing the chorus like some big hits, but you never know I suppose.

I enjoyed the song enough to listen to it a couple times.. and must have liked it on some level enough to post it on here I guess. LOL

Anyway, enjoy the video, and let me know what you think of their duet.

Chucky’s Back… Again


I remember as a young teenager seeing the first ‘Child’s Play‘ (1988) movie that introduced us to the possessed doll known as Chucky.   The movieCurse-of-Chucky-Covers in this series were probably more humorous than scary, but I do remember being a tad freaked by that first movie.

Of course my favorites in the series are the more recent movies ‘Bride of Chucky‘ (1998) and ‘Seed of Chucky‘ (2004) that introduced Jennifer Tilly as both his human and doll wife.  They were complete schlock-fests, but were fun as hell to watch.

Well it looks like they’ve brought the killer doll back to life once again in the direct to DVD movie ‘Curse of Chucky’ (2013).  The trailer looks like a good laugh.. and let’s be honest with all the Hollywood remakes and reboots out there these days, you just knew another Chucky movie would come along.

Then again, they’ve said this is a prequel to ‘Bride of Chucky‘ (1998), although the doll doesn’t have the typical facial scars as seen in several of the movies.

In fact, the doll looks like it’s had some work done.  Plastic surgery for a plastic doll?  How remarkable.  LOL

Wanna play?

Wanna play?

Here’s a synopsis of the film as listed on Wikipedia:

Nica (Fiona Dourif) is grieving over the gruesome suicide of her mother when her domineering older sister Barb (Danielle Bisutti) arrives with her young family in town to help settle their mother’s affairs. As the sisters butt heads over Nica’s plans for the future, Barb’s young daughter comforts herself with a grinning, red-haired talking doll named Chucky (voiced again by Brad Dourif) that recently arrived mysteriously in the mail. But as a string of brutal murders begins to terrorize the household, Nica suspects the doll may hold the key to the bloodshed. What she doesn’t know is that Chucky has a personal score to settle. He’s determined to finish a job he started more than 20 years earlier, and this time he’s going to see it through to the bloody and shocking end.”

Not exactly a ground-breaking horror plot, and most likely it’s probably very similar to the original movie.  But of course, I would have to watch the movie first in order to make that kind of assumption, but I think the idea behind this movie is to move the series back to it’s horror roots and away from the comedic undertones of the latter movies.

The one thing that does link the entire series together is the voice of Chucky, noted actor Brad Dourif.  He’s voiced the character since the very first movie, and has come back time and time over the years.

And in fact, his own daughter Fiona Dourif stars in this prequel/sequel.  Talk about keeping it in the family. 😉

Anyway, in the end it’s cool (at least to me) to see this character back on our screens, even if it is the small one.  Maybe if this one is a success, the producers will consider another big screen outing in the future.

Love is Love


DOMAEarlier this evening, I saw this video making the rounds on Facebook .. and upon viewing, I just had to share it.

In the United States, gay and lesbian couples are denied around 1,100 rights that straight couples have.  One of the major rights that affects those from different countries (one from the US, the other from UK as an example), is that the person from outside the US can be denied a visa, and isn’t allowed to apply for a green card though straight married couples can.

The below video, as well as many others on The DOMA Project website (http://www.domaproject.org/), highlight how heartbreaking it is for these couples who’ve been legally married in the US, but are repeated forced apart by DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act).

For those who are unaware of what it is:

DOMA is a United States federal law that restricts federal marriage benefits and required inter-state marriage recognition to only opposite-sex marriages in the United States. The law passed both houses of Congress by large majorities and was signed into law by President Bill Clinton on September 21, 1996. Section 3 of DOMA codifies the non-recognition of same-sex marriages for all federal purposes, including insurance benefits for government employees, Social Security survivors’ benefits, immigration, and the filing of joint tax returns. (reference Wikipedia)

At the moment, the US Supreme Court have heard cases on repealing both California’s Prop 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which the judges will be voting on soon. FE_DA_120730SameSexMarriage425x283

Please watch the below video, as well as the others on The DOMA Project website.. and share the videos, regardless of where you live.

No matter what country you live in, let’s support our American gay and lesbian brethren as they fight for equal rights.

Love is love, regardless of where you live.

Free Your Mind – En Vogue


envogue311x233_thumbAhh the 90’s.  I definitely have some fond – and not so fond – memories of that decade.

Can you believe this song by En Vogue, probably one of their biggest hits, was released way back in 1992?  Doesn’t seem like it was that long ago does it?

Back in ’92, I was finishing high school and starting college.. and still learning who I was as a person.

Hell I think I still am. LOL

But I recall hearing this song and thinking it was absolutely amazing.  I felt it had a fantastic message to empower women while helping break down the barriers of prejudice and ignorance.

Think this song is still relevant today in many ways..

Enjoy 🙂

Happy ‘Make-Single-People-Feel-Bad-About-Themselves’ Day


Yeah.. that doesn’t sound bitter at all, does it? 😉

Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, the one day of the year when you’re supposed to make a bit of extra effort with your sweetheart to show them how you feel.

Historically, according to Wikipedia:

The day was first associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines”)

kissing in rain2And here we all thought the day was created by Hallmark. 😉

So.. what about those of us who don’t have a sweetheart, who are completely and utterly (and feels like, eternally) single?

  1. Do you scramble to find a date of some sort, just so you don’t have to be alone on this fake ‘holiday’?
  2. Or do you spend it at home alone complaining to your friends how alone you are?
  3. Or do you spend the day with friends forgetting the actual existence of the ‘holiday’ and just enjoying their company?

Ok, I’ll admit it.. I generally spend more time doing No 2 than No 3, which ideally I would love to be doing.  If it wasn’t for the fact that my few close friends all have partners/boyfriends/husbands/etc, and those that don’t seem to live too far away to hang out with for an evening (I’m talking other countries, not just out of town).

The closest I’ve ever had anything remotely ‘romantic’ occur on the fabled February 14th is a few years back when the guy I was casually seeing broke things off on Valentine’s Day cause he thought I was getting too attached.

Oh…  I did get a text today from my fuck-buddy this morning wishing me a ‘Happy Valentines Day’… to which I responded his husband is his Valentine, not me.  He tried to say the day was celebrating love in general, including friendships (which is a lovely sentiment..), but I shut him down anyway quoting the above Wikipedia fact.

Yeah I know, he was just trying to be sweet, and I do appreciate it.  It’s just with him, I’m afraid he’s gotten too attached Single on VDay(Click HERE for post about that situation) and I don’t want to encourage him any further.

To be honest, I’ve never had a date on this day.. not even a shag (I think..).  To me, it’s another way for those smug partnered people to look down at those of us who are unable to find someone to spend their lives with.  As if we’re somehow defective.

I think the funniest blog I’ve seen about today so far has to be on The Oatmeal (Click HERE to read the post).  The cartoons are quite cute and made me chuckle, but in the end it was the ‘advice’ given to us singletons that I enjoyed.  It said:

If Valentine’s Days means so little to you, then I politely ask you to shut the hell up and treat it like another day. 

OR go have a sexy adventure rumpous with someone who smells nice.

VDay blah blahYep.. either shut the fuck up and stop whining about your love life, or at least go get laid so you’ll be too busy to complain.

Hmm… think maybe it’s time to take a bit of that advice for myself.

Let’s just hope it’s the second part of the message that occurs.  😉

Anniversaries, Apocalypses, and the Holidays



Well well.. who’d have thunk it.  About a week ago, ‘Ramblings of a Supposed Disease Free Mind’ turned 4 years old.

That’s right, it’s my blog’s anniversary. 🙂

When I initially started this blog, it was to give myself a creative outlet for my writing and to help keep those back home in touch with what’s going on in my life after I moved to London back in September 2008.

happy_anniversaryLike most things, my blog has gone through a many ups and downs over the years, including several breaks where I wasn’t posting as often and one time when something I posted on here almost got me fired.  It has showcased happy times, periods of depression, losing jobs and even the loss of ‘friends’.

I’m not sure what the upcoming year will bring for my blog – or even for my personal life – but the hope is to get back to writing more often.

The Apocalypse

Well today is December 21st, 2012 .. and the supposed day of the Mayan predicted Apocalypse.  People around the world were all freaked out that the world was going to end.. with some of them looking forward to it for whatever reasons.

two-planets.jpg1325593265It obviously hasn’t happened.

According to this article here, which debunks 5 Mayan Apocalypse Myths, today wraps up a 400-year cycle called a b’ak’tun, the day of the winter solstice.  Over the years, the Mayan Calendar has been misinterpreted by Westerners to predict the end of the world, when it was just a benchmark of the end of a full creationist cycle.

For anyone scratching their head wondering what any of that means, I haven’t a clue either.

Guess we just need to wait and see what the next cycle brings us .. and most likely, just get on with living our day to day lives.

The Holidays

That’s right, it’s that time of year again where most everyone goes a little bit crazy to create the perfect holiday season and spent way too much money.  This time of year means different things to different people, regardless of their cultural upbringing.

302946children-playing-in-the-snow-posters1For me, I find it’s a quite lonely time of year, as I tend to spend most of this season alone.  I don’t have many close friends here in London, and the few I would love to spend this time with generally go home to spend it with their families.

I got a chance to go home for the holidays last year, spending the time around Christmas with my family back in Canada and New Years in Montreal.  I definitely enjoyed it and wish I could see my family more often (last time I’d seen them had been 3 1/2 years prior when I moved to London).

It’s always great to spend the time with family, but it isn’t always possible financially.  Especially this year since I haven’t been working since the end of August, and have spent most of the past couple months studying towards a certification in Project Management.

So instead of spending it with family or dear friends, I’m spending Christmas Day itself with the older couple I live with and their friends.. only because I had no other offers.  It’s not exactly what I would have liked to be doing, but at least I’m not spending the day physically alone.

I know a lot of it is my own fault, as I haven’t exactly been a social butterfly the past few months while being off work .. especially since I’m doing my best to not spend much money so I can ensure I can pay the bills (I’m not broke, but I am being careful).

fireworksBut at the same time, and I’ve found this before when I wasn’t working, I have found that some so-called friends stop wanting to hang out when things aren’t going that well.  It’s like they only want to be around when things are good and happy.. which would mean they truly aren’t that good of a friend.

However don’t think I’m being all depressive, cause I’m not.. well not completely.

I’ve got New Years to look forward to, as I’m going to spend it with a dear friend (possibly more than a friend?) in Luxembourg.  And I’m definitely looking forward to that time away from London and my flat.. and to distract me from job hunting and studying.

Fingers crossed things improve for me in 2013.

Celebrating Fathers Around the World


Phew.. it’s definitely been one heck of a week… and this is the first I’ve logged into my blog since last Sunday!  Not good…

It’s not that I’ve been out super late, or even been having much of a life (though have hung out with my friend ‘C’ a couple times this weekend).  I’ve just been working late a few time this past week, so by the time I get home I’m shattered and can’t think of anything to write about.

Yeah I know.. excuses excuses. LOL

But anyway.. today is special, because it’s all about Father’s Day: a celebration honoring Fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society (Wikipedia).  This day is of course to compliment Mother’s Day, and is mostly held on the same date around the world – third Sunday in June.

Just like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day celebrations around the world have been made to fit other local celebrations, religious or otherwise, and occasionally had the date changed.

However the origins of Father’s Day are specifically American, and was initially thought of once Mother’s Day took off.  Unfortunately, this ‘holiday’ took several decades to take hold, and wasn’t until 1966 that ‘President Lyndon B. Johnson issued the first presidential proclamation honoring fathers, designating the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day.[14] Six years later, the day was made a permanent national holiday when President Richard Nixon signed it into law in 1972‘ (Wikipedia).

That’s about 60 years after Mother’s Day was made official.

Anyway, back in Canada, there was never a lot of hype around Father’s Day.. at least not in my family anyway.  Sure, there was the usual Father’s Day sales for traditionally ‘masculine’ stuff, like ties, pipes (really?), golf clubs, power tools (dangerous!), electronics, and so on.

Basically, the usual stuff one’s father probably doesn’t really want, but then again it’s all about the sentiment I suppose.  Or the hyper-masculinity of it all.

Obviously it isn’t easy for me to do something special for my dad on this day with him being back in Canada and me in the UK.  I always try my best to at least give him a call to chat and see how he is, which I now think he enjoys more than getting the cheesy gifts he got when we were kids.

And I admit, I enjoy it too these days as we’d never had the best relationship while I was growing up and didn’t speak for about 7 years after I came out.  I honestly think it was more that he wasn’t sure how to talk or connect to me any more.

Of course that got better over time, especially when I decided to move to London back in 2008 and he helped me so much with everything from applying for passports, to looking for a flight to London, to telling me about what areas to avoid (based on when he lived here back in the 50’s & 60’s.. ).

It helped us to get to know each other better.. and I found when I went home to visit this past Christmas, I ended up spending more time with Dad than almost anyone else.  And surprisingly, he started telling my younger sister and I stories of when he was a young man living in London, getting his first wife’s father to trust him, and about them moving to Canada to join the rest of his family.

Stories he’s never told us before, possibly to not hurt mum’s feelings by talking about his first wife.. or maybe it was because he never thought there was a connection before, but there is now that I live here.

Or maybe he’s just enjoying reminiscing as he gets older.  Who knows.

Whatever the reason, I’m looking forward to the chat today.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. 🙂

Understanding Eurovision.. Maybe


So… being from Canada, I was totally oblivious as to what the ‘Eurovision Song Contest‘ was.

I’d kind of heard of it over the years, but I hadn’t really bothered to find out what it was all about.  It wasn’t something that was ever shown in Canada so what was the point.

Of course it’s different now that I’ve been in London for close to 4 years now… not that I really have a clue of what it’s all about still, but at least it can be fun to watch.  For the finals this past Saturday, I was perched at the bar in a Brighton bear pub after spending the day roasting in the glorious sunshine.  🙂

Mostly from my experience and from people I’ve talked to about it, it’s just a fun night of music.  Everyone knows it’s going to be cheesy… and some can be downright creepy.  Check out the pic of twins Jedward creating a heart with their hands. (They’ve now represented Ireland 2 years in a row..)

It’s meant to solely be entertainment.. but the more you read about it, the more you come across theories about how the voting is all political and so forth.  Umm.. ok, it’s a song contest people.

So… for those back home or outside Europe – What is Eurovision and what is the point of the contest itself?

Ummm.. no clue.  I checked their website (Eurovision.tv), but I didn’t really find much as the the ‘why’ the contest exists to begin with.

So I turned to good old Wikipedia for some information .. and the contest was set up by the European Broadcasting Union as a way of bringing together the countries of the EBU around a “light entertainment programme” as Europe was rebuilding after the war.

I’m not going to go through the 50-some odd years of history of this program .. Most of it is kind of boring, like when they changed the rules form this to that.  Or when they introduced the phone voting or the semi-final voting.

Or even that currently each year there are 6 countries that get an automatic pass into the live finals – the host country (previous year’s winner) and the ‘Big 5’ (France, Germany, Italy, Spain and the United Kingdom).  After a bit of reading on Wikipedia and the official website, I eventually found out this was because those 5 country’s broadcasters (BBC for the UK) are the biggest financial contributors to the contest and broadcast itself, and that it couldn’t be shown without their financial backing.

There’s a whole bunch of other information about the contest that I read through.. but to be honest, it’s not much more exciting .. and I got completely lost as to why countries like Iceland, Israel, Morocco, Russia, and such were able to participate in the contest when they’re not even part of Europe or the EU (there was a bunch of latitude and longitude numbers thrown around to explain the area..).

If you really want to know more about it, check out the Wikipedia page, or the Eurovision website itself.

I’m sure I could probably wrap my head around it all, but it’s late and I’ve got to be up for work in the morning. 😉

I’ve decided to just try and enjoy the music… even if most of it is cheesy (check out the Russian entry from this year .. and they came 2nd!).  And I’m not even going to discuss the UK’s entry.

Here’s the 2012 winning entry from Sweden.. It’s totally catchy, dancey.. and gotta love the lighting/camera work done for her performance.

Loreen performing ‘Euphoria’