Or at least maybe that’s just the way it is with me. When I get bored of sitting at home and generally of my own company, that boredom can sometimes lead itself to an annoying loneliness that makes me feel like I’m utterly alone in the world. And I get to the point where I’m almost desperate for company of any sort.
Yeah I know, not exactly a realistic response to being bored but it’s what happens sometimes.
Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental or emotional factors. (Source: Wikipedia)
Don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time. Time where it’s all about me and what I want to do, even if it’s just lounging on the sofa playing on my iPad.
But from time to time, like on a recent weekend, I felt completely abandoned and helpless to change my loneliness. When this happens I tend to sit around watching the feeds on Facebook or Twitter (and sometimes the new posts on here), and become jealous and down as I watch others out there living life while I’m sitting at home with nothing to do.
I never seem to plan anything in advance these days, despite how (in London) everyone seems to be super busy and you usually need to book things several weeks ahead of time. And even then there’s no guarantee it’ll even happen. Most people are always on the look out for things to fill their calendars ahead of time, where I’m usually doing things on the fly. Which would explain why I spend many a weekend sitting at home by myself.
On this particular weekend, I was looking forward to a nice quiet weekend of relaxation and a bit of writing. Or at least a nice quiet Friday night with possibly doing something on the Saturday or Sunday with a mate. Or maybe finding some cutie to spend some time with. 😉
So, the Friday night was nice enough and all. I’d treated myself to a pizza, did a bit of writing, and watched whatever crap was on TV. I had messaged a few people I knew (and a couple I didn’t on the ‘dating’ apps), but didn’t really get any responses, which is what I think precipitated my boredom to morph into the loneliness I felt for the rest of the weekend.
And as the weekend went on, and the various messages continued to go unanswered, the worse my loneliness got.
The thing I find interesting (and slightly alarming to myself) is that when I get like this, you’d think the logical course of action would be to get out of the house and just go do something. Go somewhere where there are lots of people, or go do something special for myself to relieve the boredom of sitting at home alone.
But instead I become almost agoraphobic in that I won’t leave the house unless I absolutely have to (like for groceries or cigarettes), and get almost resentful that nobody is around or is willing to come visit me while I’m feeling down.
I’ve actually had a few people tell me that because I now live so far away from Central London, it’s ‘too far’ to come visit me at home which I think is kind of bullshit.. If someone’s a friend or mate, then where they live shouldn’t matter. And when they’re in need of company or just someone to talk to, distance should never be a factor.
I sometimes think that I subconsciously sabotage myself, particularly when I do get the rare invite to go out but somehow end up coming down with a migraine or a stomach ache. I’m not sure if it’s entirely psychosomatic or if I’m just overanalysing what ‘may’ happen when I go out, but it can be debilitating which leaves me still sitting at home. Maybe I should force myself to go out during those times..
Of course I do know deep down that I’m the only one that can get me out of these funks when they happen, and I can’t be dependent on others to ‘entertain’ me or keep me happy. And I’m painfully aware that these episodes could be tied to the depression I went through last year (Click HERE for previous post) and are things I still need to work through.
I know I do have a (small) handful of friends who are willing to be there for me, both literally and virtually, but just how much can I rely on them for my own happiness? I can’t really, and it’s perhaps the neediness I start showing when I’m feeling lonely that can drive people away or prevent them from inviting me along when they go out.
And yes I know there’s nothing stopping me from going out on my own, but let’s be honest. How fun is standing in a pub by yourself on a Friday or Saturday night with nobody to talk to?
Well, at least I’d still have my mobile to keep me company. 😉