The Trials of Being an ‘Average’ Gay


Life as a gay man can have it’s ups and downs.  And if you’re considered an ‘average’ gay, then you may be in for a few additional ones.  At least that’s the way society and the media makes us believe.

We all know that a lot of gay men out there can be very superficial when it comes to appearance (and I include myself in that generalisation…), but have we reached a point where the stereotyping is starting to harm those who may not fit that perfect mould?  Not everyone can have the body of a Greek god with perfect hair, muscles upon muscles, great abs, a large package, etc.

Unfortunately, the media does tend to paint the picture that only the most attractive amongst us could possibly be considered successful, happy, or desirable.  That you ‘must’ look like an Abercrombie model in order to be attractive.

When you really get down to it, the actual percentage that would fit that stereotype is probably quite slim, whereas the rest of us could be considered average with varying degrees up or down.  But yet we’ve somehow allowed ourselves to buy into the shallowness and try to strive to reach that unattainable ‘perfection’ and hotness – the perfect body, the hot AF boyfriend, the ideal life.

What a load of crap, huh?

Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone.  Not everyone is turned on by an awesome set of abs, pecs that are marble-like slabs, a chiselled chin, or an ass so tight and peachy you could bounce a quarter off it.

There are whole sub-sects of the gay community that perceive things differently, and have different ideals of what is beautiful (bears, chubby-chasers, etc).  But sadly the media would consider them ‘average’ and perhaps even dismiss them for not wanting to live up to what’s considered an ideal.

Regardless of what you find attractive, it’s more likely that this ‘yearning’ for what others have is due to all of us (gay, straight or anyone in between) regularly comparing our lives to those around us, or to those depicted in the media.  And as much as we know deep down it’s all a facade, we can’t help but to buy into the happy-happy everyone posts on their social media and think ‘I wish that was me’ or ‘I want that’.

But does that necessarily mean your life will be more difficult when you’re just considered ‘average’ (*gasp* the horror…)?  Are you less likely to become successful at you job, or snag that man of your dreams?

Well… yes and no.  It’s all dependant on how you approach life.

As difficult as it can be at times, you can’t live your life comparing yourself to others.  There’s no magic formula for where you should be in life by a certain age, just a bunch of pressure you’ve put on yourself.  And there’s nothing saying that you have to have the same things in your life that your friends or family do.

And that’s the joy of life – it’s different for everyone.  And no matter how you look, you might have the same insecurities, hopes or dreams as that super hot guy beside you on the tube, or as that regular bloke sitting across the pub from you.  Or you might have different ones.

In the end, the most important thing in life is how we perceive ourselves and we really shouldn’t allow the media or other people’s perceptions of beauty to detract from our own self worth.  We should own our average-ness and not allow others to make us feel ‘less than’ because we don’t fit their mould.

Because when you get right down to it, you’re exactly who you’re supposed to be right at this moment.

Can’t help but look around and question whether or not you belong? Magazines, online publications, and nearly every TV show might show a gay couple cuddled up, but why do they all look like supermodels?

Source: The Trouble With Being Average Looking in the Gay Community –

The Average Queer

NOTE:  This was something I wrote ages ago for a gay men’s magazine someone I knew was looking into starting.  This was basically my prospectus for a potential regular column, but the magazine never happened, and I never wrote another ‘issue’.

The Average Queer by Martin Wilson

Question: Do you need to have the looks and body of Brad Pitt in order to possibly be considered a good lay in the gay community?

Does having a six-pack, a great butt and a sexy smile automatically mean that a person will be good in bed?

Hell, does it even mean that they are a good person or a good friend?

Ok, so that was three questions, but you get my drift. Our community, as a whole, tends to prejudge the people we meet almost completely based on how a person looks.

Gay men? Shallow? How shocking!

Now, before all you indignant queers start screaming for my head on a stick, let me say one thing: I do not expect everyone who reads this to agree with what I say, and I honestly hope you don’t. The whole point of this is to make you think about yourselves and those around you. And, perhaps, just to make you re-examine the stereotypes our community lives in.

Every person in the world has their own take on the things and events around them. And whether you like to admit it or not, all of us fit into some kind of stereotype.

I want to give you my view on our world because, you see, I am not one of the pretty people. I do not have a great body, the trendiest clothes, or even that much of a disposable income to spend on whatever catches my whim.

I am an Average Queer, and this is my view of things.

This is not going to be one of those columns where I bitch and complain about the privileged few or how I can’t get laid, so stop groaning already. Though, I do readily admit, I wish I was one of the good-looking crowd, and that is just my own insecurities coming to the surface. You can call it envy or what have you, but it is the truth.

Nevertheless, do not start think that I am going to sugarcoat everything with some happy Pride flag, because that is not me either. I do not love everything I see, so if that is what you are looking for, go elsewhere.

Instead, I am going to write about what I see, hear and read that makes me think. No topic – no matter how inane or outlandish – will be safe from my criticizing pen strokes.

Ok, so maybe I will bitch and complain once in awhile, but if that is what I have to do to get my point across, so be it.

Now, just because you are good-looking does not always mean that you are going to get laid more often that the rest of us, but it does seem to be true most of the time. See, another stereotype we all buy into.

I know we all have thought, at one time or another, that if only we were better looking, or had a better body, then we would finally snag that cute guy across the bar. So, off we go to buy trendier clothes, work out harder, or even go on the latest fad diet, just to try to get that cute guy to notice us for once. And I do admit that it might work.

But do you know what is really missing? It is not a funkier hairstyle, the newest Diesel shirt, or even that bit of extra cash for a round of shots at the bar.

It is one thing: self-confidence. Ultimately, we all fear rejection.

The worst that can happen if you actually make the first move on some guy is they may say no. It is not the end of the world, you know, and they may actually say yes. Wouldn’t that be truly scary?

And who knows, one of these days I may actually take my own advice. Perhaps when I see you, you beautiful person you.

Get off my ass!
Copyright 2007 Martin P Wilson