Movie Review: Mirror Mirror (2012)

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Yes, I actually sat down and watched this dreadful Snow White adaptation.

Twice.

I have no idea why I decided it was a good idea to watch a second time, but it was free through LoveFilm.co.uk so I figured why not. I think I had recently watched ‘Snow White and the Huntsman‘ and have become addicted to the television show ‘Once Upon a Time‘, so that could account for it.

For comparison purposes, of course.

Of course, now I wish I’d watched something else instead. 😉

The ‘premise’ of the film, according to Julia Roberts‘ horribly-accented opening monologue (not sure what she was trying for there), is that the story is supposed to be told from the Evil Queen’s point of view. Except it isn’t.. which might have been something different and unique.

And I might have expected that from director Tarsem Singh, who’s previous directing credits include ‘Immortals‘ and the amazingly surreal ‘The Cell‘. But it didn’t happen unfortunately.

Instead, between bits of cardboard-‘acting’ by the aforementioned Ms Roberts and Nathan Lane (who is usually much funnier than this), we see Snow White (Lily Collins) meet her future Prince Charming (Armie Hammer) just before bunking in with the dwarfs as per the normal story.

Firstly, nothing against the casting of Collins and Hammer as Snow and Charming respectively. They were adequate enough, though a bit dull if you ask me. Isn’t Snow White supposed to beguile us through her innocence and sweet demeanor, making us all fall in love with her? And isn’t Prince Charming supposed to be, well, charming?

Not in this movie. She’s more of a tom-boy and he just seems… wimpy. hapless, cheesy and ineffectual. In fact, she beats him in a sword fight.

mirror-mirror-movie-posterThough how and when she learned to use a sword after being cooped up in that castle for her entire life is beyond me.. oh wait, it’s supposed to be a fairy tale..

But the worse casting choice has got to be the robotic Ms Roberts herself. The Evil Queen is supposed to vain, wicked and just plain EVIL, but instead she exudes wholesomeness and purity every time she smiles, just like she does in every movie she makes.

And for whatever reason it seems like she’s trying to play it for laughs or something.. Even when she’s supposed to be ‘angry’ or ‘vengeful’, it just seems so.. nice.

I thought the dwarfs were probably the best part of the entire movie. They were more unique and not the cliched stereotypes from the normal story.. and they even had different names and somewhat different personalities.

Ok, maybe not that different. 🙂

The action scenes with them were fantastic and well choreographed (especially the Queen’s marionette attack).

mirror mirror shirtless dwarfBut what surprised me, and make me feel all sorts of wrong (it is supposed to be a kid’s movie, right?!), was that some of those dwarfs were kinda HOT!!! LOL

*Shake it off. Shake it off.*

Right.. where was I..

This movie was easily made with the kiddie audience in mind, which is fine. However, I think it missed an opportunity to bring the adults into the foray just like other kid-centric movies have recently (best examples, see ‘Wreck-It Ralph‘ or ‘Up‘). I could easily imagine my sisters or nieces loving something like this .. when they were about 10 or 11 years old.

Ok.. maybe 8 or 9. LOL

Oh.. and that Bollywood dance number at the end of the movie? Too bizarre for words.. Made absolutely no sense at all and definitely didn’t fit the movie itself. Was like it was tacked on just for the sake of it.

My So-Called Love Life

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Well, I’d call it a love life if it actually existed somewhere other than in my mind.  Or on my iPhone.  Or my computer.

I’ve talked several times about the troubles I’ve had in my dating (or sex) life and lack of any sort of relationship happening.  Ever.

I’d seriously thought that all this would change when I moved to London.  That my silly man-child romantic dream of finding Prince Charming living in a quaint little flat near the Thames would actually come true.

HA!  Oh man, what the fuck was I smoking back then?

On a side note, it is interesting to realise that since moving to London I’ve rarely dated/shagged anyone British.  Funny that..

Anyway, after a recent acceptance that Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and that perhaps I’m just one of those people who’s destined to be alone their entire lives, I’ve literally given up on finding anything.  Including shags.

Again.

I guess I’m just at the point that, if there’s never going to be any great love (or any love for that matter) in my life, then why should I even bother to keep trying?  What’s the point in being online or going out and being sociable all in the hopes to meet someone interesting?

Of course the advent of all those new and shiny mobile apps that allow you to see what guys are online in your area haven’t helped any either.  To me that’s just instant rejection, and allows you to cut out the part where you head to the pub to get snubbed or ignored.

Sure.. I should just be enjoying my time hanging out with friends and having a few laughs.  And I would, if any of them ever bothered to come hang out with me.  Or lived in the same city as me.  Or even bothered to return my messages.

(Of course the best are those people who say ‘You should have called me to hang out’ but you know from Facebook and stuff they would have just been too busy with their actual social life to sit and listen to you moan about your lack of one.. and god forbid they actually try to include you in their plans.)

That’s right.. I’m that lonely guy leaning at the end of the bar looking around wishing someone would talk to them.  Or I’m sitting on the couches, bored and playing on my mobile.  I’m shy, so I have a really hard time making a first move.

Lord knows I’ve met so many people over the years who always ask the same question: ‘What’s a nice guy like you doing single?’… Of course underneath it all you just know they’re really wondering ‘What’s wrong with you?’

And maybe there truly is something broken inside of me, some part of me that’s holding me back from truly getting out there and enjoying life, regardless of who’s around me.  I just wish I knew what it was so I could fix it.

Cause in the end, I need this solitude to change.  It’s bad enough I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night, but what’s even worse is it’s Jubilee weekend (4 day weekend) and I have zero plans with anyone..

Not that that’s anything new.. I never get invited places really.  It’s my usual weekend thing – spend it alone, and mostly in front of my computer cause at least that doesn’t ignore me.

Le sigh…