Unlucky In Love

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Anyone who knows me or has been reading my blog for awhile knows how I’ve never been lucky in love.  How, at 41 and after almost 20 years of being out, I’m still waiting for that first boyfriend/relationship to come into my life.

This is a subject I’ve thought about, written about and over-analysed so many times I think I’ve done it to death.  LOL

When it comes to guys, I’m finding these days that I tend to meet 3 types of guys:

  1. Single guys with a mutual attraction, but they are always too busy to meet up for something as simple as a coffee or a drink.
  2. Singles guys I’m not physically attracted to, but whom are constantly after me to meet up (usually for sex).
  3. Partnered guys I’m physically attracted to and who want to meet me (usually for sex or friends with benefits), but are obviously emotionally unavailable from a dating point of view.

finger kissI’m finding it extremely difficult to think of a single guy I’ve met in the past year who was as interested in getting to know me as I was them, and was actively looking to spend time together.

Isn’t that sad?

I’m not necessarily having a moan about this (okay, maybe just a little), but I can’t help but wonder if I’m sabotaging myself in the romance department.  That despite wanting to find actual dates and eventually a boyfriend/partner, that maybe I’m missing out on something else by accepting the advances of guys in section 2 or 3 just for the sake of feeling like someone finds me attractive.

I have no idea why I would do that, but it could be a self-confidence issue, where perhaps deep-down I don’t feel I deserve a boyfriend or love in my life.

Pretty deep huh?  Of course all that could just be my own insecurities playing with my head.

I’ve tried to talk about all this with friends repeatedly over the years, but I usually just get the same old story – that I just need to relax, have some fun, and then something will come along when I least expect it.

The problem I have with that advice is I’ve been trying to do that for close to 20 years now, and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  I wish I could just stop caring about finding something more meaningful than a shag and just get on with living life, but that’s easier said than done.

Man being comfortedOf course, some of these friends can’t really relate to what I’m going through despite what they say.  A lot of them are either already partnered (many in open relationships) or they’ve been through many long term relationships (good or bad) in the past.

But what I find interesting is how many of them try to scare me off relationships.  They keep telling me how hard and horrible some relationships can be, and try to paint a negative picture of what it’s like to be in a relationship.  They’re basically trying to convince me how being single is so much better and fun.

Of course some of those same guys seem to find more extra-curricular ‘fun’ in a month than I do in a year or two.. And then still get to go home to curl up with their hubby afterwards.  Yeah, right.

Perhaps I’m over-dramatising it all.  Or perhaps I’m just one of those unlucky souls who aren’t meant to find someone special.  As much as the media and society keeps telling us that there’s someone out there for everyone, perhaps that’s actually a lie and some people are meant to be alone, regardless of how they feel.

I do find it somewhat interesting (and very annoying) how everyone makes it seem so easy to just stop caring or worrying about all this.  That it should be as simple as flicking a switch and turning off how I feel.

Soul needsIt’s not.  I really wish it was.

I do wonder where my life might have ended up if I hadn’t spent so much time over the years obsessing about my love life (or lack thereof).  Perhaps I would have expended that energy on other things, like writing, finding a career, travelling more, making more good friends, or any number of things I would love to have in my life.

Ultimately all I want out of life is to be happy.   Happy with my life and where it’s headed.  Obviously I know a boyfriend won’t make that happen or solve any problems…

..But it sure as hell can’t hurt. 😉

Tired of Singledom

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Being single isn’t as easy or as fun as it should be.

Everyone seems to think that when you’re single, your life is a steady stream of fabulousness and fun, fun fun.  That you’re always out and about, meeting new people all over the place.

Or at least some of the partnered people I’ve known over the years seem to think so.

I recall chatting to a partnered friend years ago who said I was lucky to be single, because I could do what I wanted, who I wanted, when I wanted.  He said he wished he could be single, but the moment he was he’d moan and whine about how he was lonely, which immediately got people to set him up with their single friends.Hairy Naked Man (7)

Something they never tried to do for me, even when I (kinda) joked that they should find me a boyfriend too.. It just went in one ear and out the other.

So here I am now, fully entrenched in my (early) 40’s, still looking for a boyfriend or partner to call my own.

Sure, I’ve casually dated a few guys here and there, but they only wanted a bit of regular fun and would run to hills once they thought I was getting attached (regardless of how they were feeling towards me) so I can’t exactly call them ‘relationships’ let alone boyfriends.

I wouldn’t mind it so much if I had some actual dates here and there, but that be like asking for a miracle these days.  The little bit of interest I do get lately are from guys thousands of miles away, usually looking for a chat buddy (read: pic share), or are coming to town for a few days and want to hook up.

And the few local guys who message me?  They’re all partnered and looking for a bit of fun on the side (dammit, is anyone monogamous anymore?).  And they don’t seem to understand when I ask if they’ve read my profile.. it clearly says ‘single guys only’, but I guess they think that doesn’t actually matter.

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What I find absolutely fascinating (and extremely sad) is how my partnered friends seem to have more fun (sex) and go out more than I do.  And I’m the single one.  I’m the one who should be getting the dates, not them, right?

Don’t get me wrong.. I’ve had some fun times with partnered guys over the years, but it’s not the same as getting to actually date someone where there’s a possibility of it going somewhere.  And I’m sure as hell not about to steal someone else’s boyfriend.

OpenRelationship-copyI know a lot of it is confidence and knowing what you want.  With all of these partnered guys out there playing, it’s just that – PLAY.  They (presumably) already have what their looking for waiting at home, so are only out to have a bit of fun, whereas someone like me is still searching.. And not finding anything.

*Sigh*  I’m starting to wonder if I’m the last single guy around (I know I’m not, I’m just being a bit of a drama queen lol).  It just seems all turned around and wrong somehow that the partnered guys, who’ve already found someone special, can go out and find a second or third someone ‘special’ (or special for that day) at the drop of a hat.

Part of the reason I’ve written so much lately about dating tips or being more sociable to meet new people is to motivate myself to get out there more.  And to not give up hope.fuckable bear

But it’s hard when you’re single and lonely.  If you go out to a bar hoping to meet someone, even just for a chat, most of them are there with friends or lovers. And a lot of time, it’s hard to look like you’re not on the prowl when you’re in a pub alone, cause that’s how the others there look at you.

And sure, going out for a couple drinks with a friend or two is brilliant and terrific.  It’s my usual thing to do.. Only whenever I’m out with a good friend, other guys automatically assume we’re there as a couple, so they don’t bother approaching either of us (mutual cock-blocking, such fun lol).  It happens all too often for my liking.

My problem is the type of guys I’m attracted to – fit, handsome, and damn sexy (like the guys in the pictures on my blog..).  There are some chasers/admirers out there who fit that description who like bears like me (I hate that stereotype..), but they seem too far and few between.  And the few I do meet, they are only after one thing – sex.wanting a bf

It’s frustrating to say the least.

Yeah I’m moaning.. I’m allowed to, right?

 

Common Relationship Mistakes Gay Men Make

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A friend of mine posted a link to this article on Facebook awhile back, and it got me thinking that as gay men we need to start taking our relationships more seriously.  gay couple on beach

However, I’m in no way stating this is the end all be all of gay relationships as that is too generic and all encompassing statement.

Each relationship is different and unique, and one simple list of supposed ‘rules’ could never encompass every relationship.  And some relationships work just fine the way the are, but wouldn’t work for another couple because of the individual needs of those involved.

Click HERE for the original article

We all want to have a great relationship regardless of our orientation but some of us just don’t know how to keep one.  Or is that just a myth about gay relationships?

According to the article, here are the common ‘mistakes’ gay men supposedly make in their relationships (click the link above to get the original author’s take on these items.. below are my own).

Open Relationships

Personally looking at it from a single person’s point of view, I do find it somewhat greedy of these partnered guys to always be out on the prowl for some fun.. It makes it harder (I find) to find other singles who’d potentially want to date or more if there’s an attraction when it seems 2 out of 3 profiles online are partnered guys.

threesomeIt truly saddens me that this is so prevalent in our community.  Whatever happened to being happy with the person you’re with?  Or is the adage about gay men constantly being on the lookout for someone better, cuter, sexier, better in bed, etc true?  I know there are gay couples out there who are truly monogamous, but am I the only one who thinks that’s more of a minority than it should be?

I understand that open relationships do work for some couples depending on whatever their circumstances are or what ground rules they’ve put in place for each other.  However by being so open it can open your relationship to certain problems like falling in love with someone else, bringing home an STI, or perhaps even a breakdown of the relationship itself.  I’m in no way being judgmental of anyone in a happy (?) open relationship, this is just my take on it.

Neediness

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, this is always a killer.  I know, as I’ve been told several times that I come across too needy when I find a guy I like even just a little bit.  Even when I try extra hard to keep myself in control sometimes..

clingyOf course for me I believe it’s because I’ve never been in an actual relationship so I subconsciously try to move things towards what I want instead of just enjoying things for what they are.  I try to, but fail miserably.  LOL

I suppose this is all about being independent in your relationship and ensuring you maintain your own voice without losing yourself in the relationship.  I can imagine it could be quite easy to become completely submissive to another’s ideas of how things are going to go without making your own ideas known.  It’s all about maintaining your own life and identity without completely submersing yourself in the relationship, regardless of how far along it is.

Arguing

I honestly thought it was a healthy thing to have constructive arguments in a relationship?  I would think that as long as you can each make your point about something while always being willing to actually listen to the other person’s point of view, that this would be a good thing in a relationship, as no two people will always agree 100% about everything in their relationship.Self attack

Of course saying that, I think this is more about not sweating the small stuff and regularly having a big blown up shouting match over something that truly doesn’t matter.  And definitely don’t say things you’ll regret later on, as this will just make things worse in the long run.  Words hurt and can sometimes cut deeper than actions.

Being with someone for comfort (money, favours, apartment, etc)

Ahhh.. the good old ‘gold-digger’ and ‘sugar-daddy’ scenario.  I know it still happens in this day and age, but is it really that big a deal in breaking up gay relationships?

I would think this is more about ensuring you’re both equals in the relationship, both personally and financially.  Sure, one person may earn more money than the other, but as long as it’s not held over the other’s head or used as a lever to gain their own way, it shouldn’t be that big a factor in a relationship.  Be with each other because you love each other, not because of some need for financial stability.

Going to the club together

I can see why the original author put this on the list, as going out together could potentially lead one or both guys to temptation.  But is there really anything wrong with wanting a night out clubbing once in awhile with your partner and possibly some friends?

img_0022Gay bars and clubs have become a massive part of how we socialise as gay men, though I do agree it’s not a great place for some quality time with your partner.  For that, do something special for just the two of you obviously.

Of course it all depends on your relationship and what sort of trust level there is between you.  If you’ve got a partner who’s known for his roving eyes (and hands and other parts…), then of course a night at the clubs wouldn’t be a good idea as you’d constantly be wondering who’s he’s checking out.. or chatting up while you’re at the bar or in the toilet.

Putting your relationship status on Facebook

Really?  Is this really such a massive problem in relationships, gay or otherwise?  I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with letting your friends know you’re in a relationship (though if they’re truly your friends, they shouldn’t need Facebook to find this information out).

I can understand how this could be potentially harming to a relationship when one is pushing the other to change their Facebook status, but that’s more down to the other person potentially not being ready to commit or display that commitment.  Some guys are just more private with those sort of things, and shouldn’t feel pressure to do otherwise.

Not allowing your boyfriend to go out with friends

Now this I definitely agree with 100%.  There’s nothing worse than a possessive boyfriend who wants you to spend all your free time with them.  Each person in the relationship should be able to maintain their own lives, as well as a life with each other.  You don’t have to be joined at the hip all the time, and just like with several of the above areas, it’s all about mutual trust.

Let’s be honest, no matter how good your relationship is, sometimes you just want some time with your mates without your partner.  And that’s healthy I think.  Too often people get into a new relationship and tend to drop all their old mates or stop keeping in touch.  Even when you’re in a relationship you still need your friends to be there for you, and vice versa.  Friends are friends, regardless of your relationship status

No Means Yes?

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I’ve gotten to wonder if it’s even worth the hassle to put anything in the ‘About Me’ section of my online profiles.  Especially those on dating sites, as it just seems nobody even bothers to read them.

For instance, on pretty much most of my profiles I state that I’m not really looking for anything in particular .. and I get messages from guys who want a shag.

The same holds true for the profiles that say I’m not looking for anything casual, but more interested in dates .. but yet the guys still message asking to fuck.

The best though is how I very specifically state I’m not interested in partnered guys, and don’t want to be someone’s bit on the side.  But yet, the messages from guys in open relationships still keep coming.

Does anyone actually read these profiles?  Cause if they do, the message obviously isn’t getting through to them.. or they’re just thinking with their ‘other’ head. 😉

A prime example is a guy messaged me today (and immediately showed his private pics of his cock as he was saying hi…) who said he was partnered and on holiday…

How is that supposed to make things any different for ME?  Regardless if you’re on holiday (with or without your partner), it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m not interested in guys who already have a bf or husband.

I’ve done the whole casual shags thing for years, and I’m tired of it, but nobody seems to understand that.  For me, there’s only so much time you can spend fucking around before you get bored.. and you realise just how alone you really are.

Of course, this is just my own opinion, cause I know many guys out there who are quite happy to just play around with whomever they come across, regardless of their own or the other guy’s relationship status.

I want something more than just a meaningless, empty shag.. but is that even a possibility anymore?

I know there are some partnered guys out there who don’t mess about, and I think that is fantastic.. unfortunately it seems in the gay world, they are the minority.

To me if you’re partnered and supposedly happy in your relationship, why the hell are you out there looking for something more?  Why do guys have to be so greedy when it comes to sex?

I’m not trying to judge those in open relationships at all.  In fact, it’s none of my business what you and your partner do inside or outside the bedroom.

What bothers me is these guys who screw around on their partners (open or not) and seem to think they’re being hard done by when they can’t find a shag..

Umm, what about us single guys who have an even harder time to find dates or whatever because all we’re meeting are partnered guys?  How frustrating do you think it is for us, when you have someone at home wanting to share their life with you and that’s what we’re wishing we had?

*Deep breath* .. ok, rant over for the moment (I think).

Eternally Single

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Those that know me, know that I tend to be constantly looking for love.  Or at least a few dates here and there.

And those that really know me know that I’ve never found it.  Ever.  And that it’s been the one thing in my life I’ve always wished I had more control over, my crappy love life.

Sure, I’ve heard all the cliches.  ‘You can’t find love; love will find you.’  ‘Once you stop looking for love, it’ll show up when least expected.’  And so on, and so on….  I’m so tired of hearing it.

The last thing someone who is lovelorn wants to hear is that they have to be patient and to give it time.  The reason they’re so frustrated is because they have been super patient and have given it so much time that they feel time is running out.  Or at least they feel like it is.

Okay, so I’m talking about myself here, cause I do sometimes feel like love will never find it’s way to me, or that I’m just not destined to find that special someone.  And, yeah, I do think sometimes that time is running out.  I’m 35 years old, and I’ve only really had one boyfriend in the dozen or so years I’ve been out … and that guy was about 4 years ago, and he only stuck around for about 3 months.

Literally, I’ve never had any luck on the love front, and it’s extremely frustrating.  The one thing I’ve always wanted is to be in a loving, committed relationship.  I watch those around me in all sorts of relationships, good and bad, and I get jealous.  Some of them just don’t know how good they really have it.

I’ve known so many people over the years who have just jumped from relationship to relationship without even trying.  Serial monogamists, if you will.

And those same people are the ones that say they wish they were single like me, so they could do what they wanted.  I’m tired of those people complaining they wish they were single, because the second they’re actually single, they bitch and moan about being alone, and they usually find someone new in a snap.  Or their friends will immediately try to set them up with someone, because God forbid they actually be single and learn to love themselves.

And don’t even get me started on couples who are in supposed ‘open’ relationships.  Why can’t they just be happy with what they’ve got?

Now don’t get me wrong, it is definitely fun being single, especially if you’re going out to a club, or spending the evening at the sauna.  You have no one to report back to other than yourself.  Only problem is you still go home and crawl into bed alone.

However, to be honest, at this point, after going so many years without a partner or lover, I’m not even sure I’d know what to do if I actually got one.  And sometimes I honestly think there may have been multiple opportunities for a relationship of some sort over the years, but I’ve messed it up somehow.

And at the same time, I just can’t stop looking or wanting to find love.  I know it’s not going to ‘complete me’ somehow; I’m not that naive.  It’s more I’m tired of being lonely all the time and tired of being alone.  I’m a romantic and I’ve got to believe there just has to be someone out there waiting for me as impatiently as I’m waiting for him.  I just wish he’d show up already.

And yes, I am well aware that the loneliness is partly due to still being new to London and not having really found my niche of close friends yet.

But that’s a rant for another day….