Ultra Nate – Automatic (Original Uncensored)


I absolutely love how naughty this music video is.. without really showing anything.  Well, sort of.  LOL

ultra_nate_artist_photo7The gorgeous and supremely talented Ultra Naté remade this Pointer Sisters song back in 2007, but could have easily been released today.  It’s got great beats, a catchy chorus, and yes.. lots of eye candy for men and women of either persuasion.  😉

I’ve been a fan of this singer (and DJ) for years, mostly after she released the Pride anthem ‘Free’ way back in 1997.  I recall one year, way back in the day, heading to Toronto for Pride weekend with friends, and us playing this song repeatedly on the drive there.

She was also one of the singers featured in the supergroup Stars on 54 put together to record the songIf You Could Read My Mind” for the soundtrack of the 1998 film, 54.

Then several years later in Montreal, I got to see Ultra Naté perform live during Divers-Cité (Montreal’s Pride festival in August) at one of the big clubs at the time.  The place was absolutely packed and the crowd was practically pulsating throughout her set as they danced their asses off.

It was absolutely amazing.

Enjoy the video, and Happy Gay Pride month to everyone around the world. x

Burst of Sunshine.. and Creativity



So today was finally the first truly sunny WARM day we’ve had here in London in what feels like an eternity.  Watching how everyone was so excited for the weekend to get here so they could spend some time out in the sun was fun, and was getting me thinking of how I was going to spend the day.

After sleeping in, of course. LOL

I thought about getting myself all set up in the back garden with my Kindle and a nice cup of coffee to relax in the sun.  Or to head into Crystal Palace Park to wander around the dinosaurs and relax in the sun.

Well all those loosely laid plans went flying out the window.. as I woke up at 7:30am this morning with an idea for a story that had been bouncing around my subconscious for about a week now.  The strength of the idea and how quickly I started to flush out the first few scenes in my mind kept me out of bed and racing for the laptop.

So there I was at 8am this morning with a bug mug of coffee at my elbow and a load of laundry on the go downstairs, I started to write.

And write.

And write.

And put in a second load of laundry.

And write.

Next thing I knew it was noon when a mate messaged me to see what I was up to… and I’d written close to 2000 words.

Colour me shocked! I haven’t written like that in so long, especially not fiction.

So I took a break to make myself a late breakfast, and to maybe sketch out some further story ideas in a notepad while sitting in the back garden.

And I did for a bit.. before I suddenly started writing a lot of the backstory for something I’d only briefly considered adding into the story.

Another cup of coffee and a couple cigarettes later, I was back upstairs at the laptop typing out character descriptions, more backstory and a preface that described tons of history in this new world I’d suddenly created before heading back to the main story.. And that’s when I realised I was finishing off chapter two.

When I’d originally sat down this morning I didn’t think I was starting a novel, but more just a short story to add to those I’ve written before.

This was only the second time I’ve attempted to write a full fledged novel, with the first being the now lost manuscript I’d spent a load of time writing and editing while living in Montreal, even if I wasn’t a hundred percent happy with the end product.  It was still my baby, and I still regret losing it.. though haven’t completely lost hope yet.  It’s got to be somewhere in the ether of the net.

Or maybe it’s on that old floppy disk I have no way of accessing anymore.  Hmmm…

Anyway, I’m excited to see where it might lead me, even if I have other things I want to focus my writing on (See recent post regarding possible article submissions to a gay magazine).

And despite missing out on a load of the sunshine today, I feel good about the day and how productive I’ve been.

Now to just keep the momentum going.


Exploring History – Tower of London


It’s so easy to forget sometimes that I live in an amazingly historic city, where there are tons of things and places to see, visit and explore in London.  It’s not just the historical sites or museums, as there’s a plethora of more modern things to do as well.  But it’s more that I’m here in this city and I tend to not think of ‘playing tourist’ in my own city.IMG_1795

I really should do it more often.. we all should really.

Instead, I tend to get stuck into my day-to-day life of work, sleep, eat, and occasionally having a social life (whatever that is lol).

If anything I think there are tons of people living in this city (or other historical cities around the world) who’ve never actually done the touristy things because it’s ‘just there’ and you get in the mindset of maybe you’ll go visit this place or that one when some relative comes to town to visit.

Well that’s kinda of what happened with me last Sunday.  A dear friend of mine from my days in Montreal (he lives in Vancouver now) was in town on a 24 lay-over (flight crew for a Canadian airline), so he suggested we do something touristy.  He tends to get a London flight once every 6 months or so, so we usually just spent it getting pissed in Soho and not doing much else.

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After messaging back and forth on Facebook, we eventually decided to meet at London Bridge station, walk down the river to cross over Tower Bridge, and then over to the Tower of London itself.

Now despite my living here for 5 years or so now, I’d never been to the Tower of London.  Sure I’d walked by it a couple times, or passed by on a bus, but never considered going inside and taking a peek around.  It wasn’t because I wasn’t interested, because I was, it was more that it just never happened..

First thing you need to know about Tower of London if you’re going to visit is you better be wearing comfortable shoes and be able to stand for long periods or climb lots of stairs.  Walking by it doesn’t necessarily look like the towers would be that high, and they’re really now, but there are tons and tons of tiny stairwells.

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As for the standing around, we had to wait in the queue for about 40 minutes to get into the Crown Jewels exhibit and then walk through the exhibit itself at a very slow and halting pace (though there is one section where they have a moving sidewalk past some displays).. only to have everyone crowding around one little display of the Crown Jewels themselves.  It was cool to see (you’re not allowed to photograph it though..), but just seems like the rest was a build up for something that didn’t happen.. but that’s just me probably.

The other exhibit we had to queue for was the Torture Tower.. which was actually in a basement/dungeon, and wasn’t that exciting.  We went into a tiny lower room that had maybe 3 torture devices on display, then up and our again.  Just a tad disappointing.

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Maybe I’m a bit of a sadist, but I think it could have been cool if people could have been strapped into some of the devices (like the rack) to get pictures taken.  At least it would have made a fun Facebook pic.  Hahahah

Overall it was a cool visit to the Tower of London and I did enjoy it, but probably not as much as someone else who’s really into history or war memorabilia.

More than anything it was cool to hang out with my friend, joke around, and just catch up on life.. and take pictures of course. 😀

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Where Were You on September 11th?


As pretty much everyone is aware (and the media has been reminding us), today is the anniversary of the World Trade Centre attacks in New York City.  20130911-192331.jpg

Yeah, it’s been 12 years since 9-11.

Admittedly, I personally didn’t know anyone that was directly affected by the attacks, nor was anyone close to me at the time (that I’m aware of).  However I think, regardless if you knew someone who was there or was personally affected, this day affected everyone in some way.  Even if it was in just an eye-opener to the world.

This was one of those events where everyone remembers exactly where they were and what they were doing when they found out about it.  I was living in Montreal when the attacks occurred, and to be honest I was completely oblivious of everything happening until about midday.  My story from that day isn’t that exciting or profound, but will always stick with me.

At the time I was working evenings up near Mont-Royal, so I’d slept in to at least mid-morning as usual.  For whatever reason I’d decided to do some window shopping up on the Plateau and didn’t even so much as turn on the tv or a radio before I left the house.

In fact in those days I don’t think I even had a mobile, and barely used the house phone.  Oh and I didn’t even have access to a computer let alone internet, just like a lot of people I knew in those days.  Amazing how things change in just over a decade..

pl5Anyway, it was a nice day so I decided to walk up to Rue Mont-Royal to the shops via Rue St Denis.  Just after I’d passed through Parc La Fontaine, some guy I didn’t know came up to me shouting ‘It’s the end of the world!! We’re being attacked!!’ and then off he ran up the street.

Admittedly I just thought he was some nutter or was already drunk, so off I went on my merry way thinking he was mad.

I definitely got a huge wake up call in the first shop I went into and overheard a couple of people talking about something to do with planes attacking.. Ummmm, what?  Maybe that guy on the street wasn’t such a nutter after all.

First chance I got I went into an electronics shop to see if I could catch the news on the tv.  And I stood there watching, with about half a dozen others, with my jaw on the ground.  What an absolute shock to say the least!

On all the tv’s, they kept showing the footage of the planes attacking the Twin Towers over and over again, and playing commentary from people who were there at the time.  It was scary to realise this was actually truly honestly real, and not some bad dream or cheesy Hollywood movie.

After a couple hours of wandering the shops, watching the news or listening to the radio where I could, I headed home to get ready for work.  In the end I think I only bought a sweater (though I can’t remember what exactly I was shopping for to begin with..), and even that I almost didn’t buy.

When I got to work that evening, they advised we would be closed for the night since we called American customers (I think… it has been 12 years lol), and everyone higher up agreed it wouldn’t be appropriate to call people after such a devastating event like this.  In fact, I don’t think we were open the following day either, but I could be wrong.nyc_002

So.. what’s the point of my recounting this?  I don’t know to be honest, as the only effect it had on me was probably the loss of a day or two’s pay. Maybe it’s to show that even those people who weren’t there or didn’t have people close to them affected by these attacks could get their eyes opened to the world around them, and how events can have a ripple effect.

Maybe it’s to put into perspective that, when events like this happen in the world, a simple mundane afternoon of shopping is truly meaningless when compared to what those people’s families had to go through.

All I do know is 9-11 opened a lot of people’s eyes to the world around them and outside their own borders (myself included), some for better and probably some for worse.  But maybe the point is regardless of how things are going in your life and how frustrated you may be feeling with things, perhaps just give a little thought of those who’ve lost their loved ones thanks to an attack such as this.

So where were you on 9-11, and how did the day affect you?

Flat Hunting Sucks


So now that I’ve got the job situation sorted for the moment, I’ve now got to find a new place to live.

Yeah I know.. If it’s not one thing, it’s another with me these days.  😉

The day I was offered my new job, I also found out I have to move.  The older couple I rent my room from received a letter from the landlady that they were going to take possession of the flat again.  In other works, move back into the flat themselves instead of renting it out again.

Basically it’s the standard excuse when a landlord wants a tenant to move out for whatever reason before the end of the current lease.Buy to let properties - 78009726CF001_PARAGON SHARES

The guys seemed surprised they were being asked to move after over 3 years of living here since, in their eyes, they’ve been great tenants.

Of course I don’t know the whole story… And to be honest, it’s really none of my business per se, except now I have to move as well.  The little I did find out from them is that they haven’t always been that good with paying the entire rent on time for whatever reason.

It does make me wonder where the rent I’ve been paying has been going.  I’ve always ensured my rent was paid in full and on time despite my unemployment and my benefits not fully covering the rent.  Not to mention that there are two of them and only one of me.

But again, not my problem.  If they haven’t been paying the rent on time or in full, then it’s them that could potentially get in trouble for that, not me since the landlady doesn’t even know I’m there (they weren’t supposed to sublet the second bedroom out apparently..).

So now I’ve got the fun job of trying to find a new place to live as soon as I can.  The letter they received did give them until mid-October, but they’ve put a bid on a place that they’d be looking to move into by end of August or beginning of September and are hoping the landlady will let them move out sooner.

Though I think they’ll get a nasty shock when the landlady demands for the rent for the rest of the time.  I’m glad they were agreeable to use my deposit for August’s rent instead of waiting until I move out, as who knows if they’d have the money then (not that they do now either..).

Yes ‘M’, I took your advice.. lol

They did ask if I’d be interested in moving with them, but I’m very reluctant to do so.  I thought about it and even went to see a couple flats with them, but I’ve wanted to move out for about a year now for a variety of reasons.  I only haven’t sooner since it would have been difficult with my not working and trying to find a place that would accept someone on benefits.

When I got this new job I was hoping to stay there for at least a couple months before I started looking for a new place to live, but whatever.. It is what it is.

It hasn’t been easy…  Since I’m on a much lower salary than I was at my previous job, I’m trying to find spareroom-logosomething I can afford that is basically walking distance to Vauxhall so I don’t have to worry about transport costs.  The problem with that is it’s not exactly cheap to live around this area.

I’ve found a bunch of ads that are kind of within my price range, but are again renting a room in flatshare with strangers. I’ve replied to a bunch of these ads, as well as placing an ad myself on Spareroom.co.uk, but have only had a handful of responses.

I’d hoped to find a somewhat decent studio to live in by myself, but all of these seem to be too expensive, too far away from Vauxhall, or are complete shit-holes.  Or all of the above.

How people can consider a small basic room with a hot plate and a shared washroom a flat is beyond me.  These are called bed-sits here in the UK.. to me that’s just another flatshare..

The bedsits I've seen don't look anywhere near this NICE..

The bedsits I’ve seen don’t look this NICE..

I wish I could find a place like the studio flat I had back in Montreal.  It had a nice big living area with room for a double bed, full couch, computer desk, tv stand, coffee table.. and still had room left to store my bike, and possibly could have had a small dining table as well.  It wasn’t the best building, but it was home for just over 2 years.

Admittedly, you’d be lucky to find some full on 1 bedroom flats that were that size here in London, and they’d probably be expensive as hell.

If I could afford it, I would move farther out and commute into work but that just wouldn’t be possible on this salary with all the bills I now need to catch up on.  I need to keep my costs as low as I can now (or at least until I can get a promotion and move up at work..).  Even if it was a simple bus commute I’d be okay with that since I still have my Job Seeker bus & tram discount for the next few months.

Well I guess we’ll see how it goes.. and hopefully I can find somewhere asap.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.  🙂

Blast From The Past


Isn’t it just amazing who you can find on the internet these days?

We’ve all spent a bit of time on Facebook, MySpace (back in the day, not that me or my friends really used it much), Gay.com (is that even still around?), or any other numerous social media sites trying to find those friends from days gone by who you’ve unfortunately lost touch with over the years.where-are-you-mobile-wallpaper

It’s been terrific to get back in touch with old school friends and even relatives you haven’t seen in decades.

For me, the one person I’ve tried to get back in contact with is my old dear friend ‘W’.  We used to hang out and party together back in Kingston (talking about 13 to 15 years ago), and he’d occasionally come for weekend visits in Montreal when I’d moved there back in 2001.

I can honestly say, at that point in my life, he was probably one of my closest and dearest friends.  We got along really well. enjoyed each others company.. and yes, for awhile early on I did fancy him but we were much better as friends.

Well.. unfortunately, the two of us lost touch about 10 years ago after his last visit to Montreal during Divers/Cite (Gay Pride) weekend after a bit of an argument and possible misunderstanding.

At that time, I was renting a room off of someone near Parc Jeanne-Mance just across from Mount Royal, and although it was fine to have visitors or overnight guests there, I wasn’t very comfortable in that flat.  I think I moved out after about 6 months actually.

Parc Jeanne-Mance

Anyway, ‘W’ had contacted me to find out if he could stay with me over Pride weekend and we made plans to hang out (ie: party) on the Friday night at Club Unity .. except after we got there, he immediately disappeared onto the dance floor with some of his Toronto friends who’d come for the weekend, and I didn’t find him again until near the end of the night.  It wasn’t a big deal, as some of my friends were there as well, so I hung out with them all night.

Over the course of the weekend, I didn’t see ‘W’ at all.  At the time, he was into all the big parties so was off all weekend partying with his Toronto friends all night long (considering the regular bars and pubs are open until 3am anyway, that was a lot of partying..).

I briefly saw him on the Sunday evening when he caught up with my friends and I having a couple drinks at Drugstore after the Pride parade… something he was supposed to meet me to watch together.  He stayed around for half an hour or so, before heading back out again to party the night away.club-unity

When I got home that evening, I found out that ‘W’ had stopped by the flat that afternoon (before he’d met me), got the live-in landlord to let him in, and he chilled out there for a couple of hours having a nap, a shower, etc.  I was surprised at this, as ‘W’ hadn’t mentioned it to me.. and it made me a bit upset as well, that he’d been there without telling me or asking if it was ok first.

It would have been one thing if I was living by myself and a friend was staying with me.. I trusted ‘W’ and would have given him a key if I lived alone, but this was a different situation.  I didn’t fully trust the landlord yet myself (I had just moved in a month or two prior I think), and he wasn’t someone I hung out with at home or even shared my life with.

Come Monday morning, ‘W’ showed up at my place just before I was heading to work.  I didn’t have much time to hang out or anything, so kinda had to rush him out of the flat so I wasn’t late.  Outside standing by his car, he said he was exhausted and wanted to take a nap before he started driving home.. in my bed while I went to work.

This pissed me off completely.  He wasn’t asking, he was stating that was what he was going to do.. so I blew up at him, and told him if he just needed a place to crash for a couple hours, then there was a sauna a couple blocks away and told him how much it cost.  And I didn’t appreciate being used just for a place to crash, as I’d thought we were going to actually spent time together, not him partying all weekend with his buddies from Toronto who saw him more often than I did.

walking-away_2And then I walked away.

That was the last time we talked to each other..

Until this morning when I got a friend request on Facebook from a name I didn’t recognise.  After I’d sent a message asking the person how we knew each other, I saw there was already a message waiting for me.. and it was from ‘W’.  Now that was a shock and a half!

Apparently, like me, he’s been trying to find me online over the years as well, but since he doesn’t have Facebook (he’d messaged me through his partner’s account) and I’d changed my email address years ago, he hadn’t been able to find me.  Until now.

I’d always felt bad how we’d left things, and regretted not being more open with how I was feeling at that time so we could discuss it.  But at the same time, I did feel somewhat justified in how I was feeling.

We’ve now got each others email addresses, so hopefully we’ll be able to maintain some form of contact.  I sent him a long-ish email this morning giving him a brief overview of what’s been happening with me past few years, and now I just have to wait and see if I hear back from him or not.

It can definitely be a small small world sometimes, huh?

Repost: Untitled Fiction


Note: I originally wrote this back in 2007, but never revisited to continue the story (and yes, it is completely fictional lol).. Should it stand alone as a complete short-story?  Or can you think of where it could go from here?  Ideas and thoughts are always welcome. 😀

“Will you hurry up already?  I don’t want to stand here all night,” whispered Darel as he waited for me to pass him the coke.

It was just a typical Saturday night at the Big U.  Darel and I were crammed together in one of the bathroom stalls doing bumps of coke as the electronic-laced dance music thumped in our ears.

To be frank, it’s all his fault.  Darel was the one who first introduced me to the ‘magic white powder’ about a year ago.  Now, whenever I go out, I usually have some with me.  It’s almost a requirement these days just to get through the night, especially at this hole.  Tragic, really, how I don’t remember the last time I went out without it.

“Hey, don’t snort the whole fucking bag, dumb-ass,” I hissed at him. “I didn’t say I was going to get you fucked up, just a little bit buzzed.”  I snatched the little bag back from him and gave it a flick to see how much was left.  The little bitch left me barely enough for another bump later if I needed it.  What a fucking drug-whole he’s become.

Sometimes I truly wonder how the two of us even became friends in the first place.  We’re absolutely nothing alike.

Darel started pouting as I put away my meager stash.  “Aw, come on Sasha.  I barely did any.  You never share your drugs.”  His whining was getting on my nerves as he opened up the stall door to leave.

Without a word, I closed the door in his face so I could take a leak.

This was typical Darel behavior.  To him, the entire world was conspiring against him so he wouldn’t have a good time.  Meanwhile, he never has enough money to pay his cover, let alone for drugs.  As much as I love hanging out with the guy, he was starting to get way out of hand.  I couldn’t keep paying for both of us.

Flushing, I zipped myself up as I left the stall, which was quickly snatched up by a couple of muscle queens.  At the sinks, once I’d washed my hands (a rarity in bars somehow), I gave myself a quick once over while I wiped my nose to ensure there weren’t any stray flecks for all to see.

Not to toot my own horn, but I wasn’t looking too bad for a guy who just celebrated his 32nd birthday.  I still had a full head of messy black hair, barely any wrinkles, and all those hours in the gym had finally given me that coveted ‘short-n-stocky’ build I’d always wanted for all those years I was overweight.

Hell, even I’d fuck me, if I weren’t such a bottom.

Looking around the bathroom, Darel was nowhere to be seen.  Not a surprise.  He was probably off to find someone to either buy him a beer or give him more drugs.  Or both.

Just to catch everyone up to speed, Darel and I met through a blind date.  One of his best friends was a co-worker of mine a few years back and thought the two of us would make a cute couple.

Admittedly, we did hit it off right off the bat and we spent the next few months screwing our brains out.  But we were never exclusive.  We eventually stopped sleeping together and decided just to be friends.

Sure, the sex was great and all, but I wasn’t looking for a fuck-friend at the time.  I’d been in husband hunting mode.

“Shit,” I muttered under my breath.  As usual, there weren’t any paper towels in the bathroom, so I walked back to the bar for some napkins to dry my hands off.

Tossing the crumpled napkin on the bar, I waved a ten spot at the barman to get another drink.  As I glanced around at the crowd, I easily spotted Darel in one of the corners with his hands down some guy’s pants.  Again, this was typical Darel.  As coked up as he was, he probably wouldn’t even be able to get a hard on.

Leaving some change on the bar for a tip, I grabbed my drink and decided to take a tour of the club.  Like every other Saturday night, it was packed with all the usual people.  It has always amazed me how these people are so reluctant to do anything different on a weekly basis.  As if this was the only club in Montreal.

Can you tell I’m bored with the place?

Walking around, I stopped briefly to say ‘hi’ to the few people I know.  I wouldn’t call these people friends at all.  They were just people I’d bump into from time to time, and it wouldn’t be anything more than a quick peck on the check and bland pleasantries.  It’s not like you’re able to sustain a meaningful conversation with some drunken fool while the music echoed off the walls.

It’s a wonder we’re not all deaf already.  Think about that.

This will definitely sound clichéd, but all I was trying to achieve in my tour of the place was to catch some cute guy’s eye, have a little flirtatious chat, maybe make-out a little, and hopefully take him home to fuck me silly all night long.

Was that really too much to ask?  It’s not like I was looking for a husband for Christ’s sake.  Well, maybe.

Anyway, I was swaying on the edge of the dance floor to the latest pop-princess remix when I spotted Darel again.  He was being carried out of the bar by two security guards, completely passed out.  Again.  I don’t think this has happened in at least a month or so.

So, of course being the good friend that I am, I left my half-finished drink and ran after him to make sure he was alright.  I caught up to all of them by the front door but Darel wasn’t passed out after all, he was just too out of it to walk on his own.  Stupid jackass.

“Hey Sylvan,” I said to one of the bouncers, “guess he’s done it again, huh?”

Sylvan is this hunky, beefy straight guy that works security for the bar, and every guy I knew there would jump at the chance to get their hands on him.  “Sash, how the fuck does he get so messy every time he comes here?” he asked in that gorgeous French-accented voice of his.  “The boss is almost temped to ban his ass for good this time.”

“I don’t blame him, and sometimes I wonder why he doesn’t.”  Sylvan helped me get Darel down the stairs to street level.  “So, how long is he banned for this time?”

Making sure nobody could hear him, Sylvan whispered, “Actually, the boss was the one feeding him shooters and shoveling coke up his nose in the back office.  When I went into the office, your buddy was in la-la land while the boss and his boyfriend were double fucking him.”

For fuck’s sake!  What the hell had Darel gotten himself into this time?  “His ass will definitely be sore tomorrow,” I joked.

“You could say that again.”  Sylvan chuckled as he helped me get Darel into a cab and I gave the driver my address.  “Take care of that idiot, will ya?”

“I will.And thanks for the help tonight.”  I closed the cab door and off we went to my place.

At least this time Darel wasn’t puking his guts out.  The last time something like this happened, the cabbie wouldn’t even let me put Darel in the cab.  We had to walk to my place instead, and it wasn’t pleasant.  I didn’t enjoy stopping every couple of blocks to wait for dumb-ass to finish puking and then listen to his whining about how it was all this person’s or that person’s fault that he was so messy that time.  At one point, I got so sick of hearing it all that I kept walking despite his screams for help because he’d fallen down in a puddle of his own vomit.  One of these days, I may actually leave him there.

Luckily, this time Darel just sat back with his eyes closed and didn’t say a word or move a muscle.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I could hear him breathing, I might have thought him dead.

Copyright 2007 – 2013 M P Wilson

Blurring the Lines of Friendship


At what point does sex between friends harm the friendship itself?

I’ve started to ask myself this question recently, though it is a thought that’s always been in the back of my mind

Up until a few years back, probably during the last couple years living in Montreal, the line between friendship and sex started to blur with a couple people and, in some instances, it made the friendship complicated. I’d always previously prided myself that I’d never slept with any of my friends and kept the two mutually exclusive.

I’ve always been open with the fact that I’ve never had an actual relationship and how much this has affected me emotionally (past post), but lately I’ve started to wonder if this desire for something more is clouding my judgement towards friendship, and is potentially ruining what could be some great friendships with sex.

Could I be pushing things too much towards what I’m looking for, and effectively be pushing them away from the friendship itself thus creating the loneliness and lack of a social circle/support network I also crave (past post)?

I have some friends in my life who I’ve either initially met on a date or shag and we’ve become friends over time.  Doesn’t always work out that way though..

Take my friend ‘P’ for instance.  We initially met in person back in December 2008 (past post) after chatting online for a month or two thinking things could potentially go somewhere, but after spending a few days together in Edinburgh we became friends instead.  And are now really close friends to this day.  In fact every summer we take some time off to spend our birthdays together (2 days apart), and are very much a part of each others daily lives regardless if we don’t live in the same city.

Obviously I’m very lucky that things turned out the way they did with ‘P’ and I’m grateful everyday that I know I can turn to him when I need someone to talk to, and vice versa.

But then I look at my friendship with ‘C’ who I was kind of seeing awhile back.  He wasn’t looking for anything other than friends or something casual, which was fine except I got attached causing him to break things off because he didn’t want that. And of course, as per my track record, within a couple months he got a boyfriend and I jealously wondered why it wasn’t me.  We stopped talking altogether after I made a snarky comment on Facebook regarding his new relationship.. oops.

It took awhile but eventually we started hanging out as friends but have fallen back into bed with each other a couple times (he’s single again).  At the same time though, whenever he tells me about a new ‘friend’ he’s goes out with, I still get that hit of jealousy even though I no longer see him as a potential relationship.  Bizarre how old feelings come to the surface when you no longer feel them for that person, but still try to be there for each other emotionally as friends.

Of course, it doesn’t always end in an actual friendship.. A few years back I was seeing ‘S’ (past post), and despite about a 10 year age gap (he was younger), we got along really well..  Until he wanted something more despite being closeted and a devout Muslim, and I wasn’t willing to go back in the closet for him.  After we stopped seeing each, we tried to hang out a couple times and be friends, but it felt a bit too uncomfortable.  I’m still very much attracted to him, but as he said to me recently we can only be friends as we’ve tried being more before and it didn’t work.

That’s a very mature attitude for someone younger.. A lot of guys out there would jump back into bed in a second.

It does make me think that maybe I do tend to sexualize the guys I meet too much and look for something with them that can never be there, even if there was a potential for it previously.

Or that maybe I’m not as emotionally mature as I’d like to think I am.  Damn.

‘Bear’ly Realisations – Finding your Gay Stereotype


It never amazes me how much as a community we stereotype and sub-categorize ourselves even further than just being ‘Gay‘.

Ok… this isn’t so much a new thought for me (or anyone really), but I felt like talking about it and how I became aware of the different sub-sects over the years.

Up until several years ago, the only sub-sect of gay men I knew about were ‘twinks‘ as the most of my friends were either just regular guys or were twinks themselves, and we generally hung around with other regular guys.  The gay bar we went to in our neighboring town was a mixture of all types, so stereotypes weren’t as easily distinguished.. at least not to my naive mind.

Just eat a cheeseburger already!!

It wasn’t until I moved to Montreal back in 2000 that I started to realise there were different sub-sects to the scene.. mostly because they all had their own bars, saunas, hangouts and so forth.  But even then for the first few years I can see now that I kind of had blinders on.. and the attitude of my ‘friends’ that anyone bigger than a size 28 or 30 waist were just gross and unattractive didn’t help at all.

Of course, that included me, as I’ve never been skinny or thin and didn’t really diet or exercise.. I was just myself.  And it also resulted in my not getting laid that often.. which has probable lead to my willingness to jump at any sexual interest cause I’m scared it’ll be the last one… we’ll have to talk about that another time.

Now of course I wasn’t so naive or narrow-minded that I didn’t realise that I didn’t really fit into the scene my friends loved so much.  I’d never found the effeminate, limp-wristed, super-skinny guys they liked attractive at all, and being a bigger guy with body hair, I most definitely didn’t fit into the stereotype.  I did my best to try to have fun while out, but man was it ever depressing always going home alone..

Montreal at night

So eventually I went off exploring the other options in Montreal by myself…

I’d never lived anywhere where there was a selection of bars to go to before, so this was fascinating for me and I was interested in exploring.  Since I didn’t have anyone to go to these places with, it was almost like my own dirty little secret, and anytime someone asked me where I’d been that night I actually felt ashamed saying the name of the bar.

Eventually it got to the point where I completely stopped going out with my friends to their bars.. because they would never come out to the bars I wanted to go to.  Why was I the one who always had to suck it up and go where I wasn’t comfortable?  I’d spent years being tired of being dragged to the same places over and over again, watching the same people make the same stupid choices, all the while wishing I was somewhere else.

No.. I’m not into leather… and that’s not me lol

So I stopped inviting people out with me, and I went out alone very regularly.. and the invites to hang out with them stopped as well. I became more aware of the sub-sects around me, as much as one could in a city like Montreal, and eventually realised I fit the stereotype of a ‘bear‘… the exact type of guys my old friends used to think were unattractive and gross.

But.. it was when I moved to London that I truly realised that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, as there were loads of guys out there who were totally into bigger, hairy, bald guys with facial hair (last couple of years in Montreal I’d started shaving my head as I was losing my hair anyway, and had tried out a beard…).

And some of these guys were down right sexy!  And some actually looked like the fit guys my old friends would have drooled over.

Funny how things turn out, huh?


Note: Of course I don’t always necessarily feel a part of the ‘bear’ community either, as I don’t label myself as such… it’s just easier to try and be part of that community than it was the other one.  😉

Spring Cleaning


OK.. so maybe mid-May is a bit late to do some ‘cyber’ Spring Cleaning, but better late than never.

An email today prompted me to take a look at this blog .. It was all about adding links to my posts that would help them advertise and make me some money.  I’m pretty sure it’s spam, but it got me thinking about this space and how I’ve literally neglected it for over a year now.

So I decided to spruce a few things up (still deciding if I want to keep the overall theme, or chose something more ‘cheery’…), review the blogroll and delete any blogs that were out of date or inactive while visiting those still going strong (or have been active within the last 6 months at least).  Then I updated my ‘About Me’ section, as I realised it was at least two years old..

And then.. nothing.  Huh, what to do now?

Sure there’s been loads going on in my life over the past year… Hell, there’s been loads going on in the WORLD in the past year… But would people actually be interested in me rehashing the past year?  Or should I just look towards the future?

Maybe I should post a couple pics or YouTube videos and see if there’s any site traffic.. but then thought that’s just being lazy.  If I want to see if people are willing to still read this space and about my life, then I can’t take the easy way out.

Historically I generally posted about my life when things weren’t going so well.. I used to write in a journal back in Montreal when life was beating me down, and it was a great outlet for getting my feelings out.  A habit I actually miss and keep meaning to get back to, but never have.

I’m usually too busy playing on my iPhone. hahaha

Basically I need to get back to using this space as my voice to the world, where I write about things that are important to me, or pique my interest while scanning the interwebs.  Things that make me think and hopefully give me a chance to open up a discussion..

Or maybe just post a few pictures of some hot guys. Depends on my mood I guess. 😉

I suppose only time will tell where all this will lead me..

Ciao for now..