Part of reason I wrote my recent post ‘Friendship Can Be Fleeting‘ was because I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the friendships that have dropped by the wayside over the past year or so. And some of these friendships were ones that I had expected to last the test of time.
Growing up I didn’t have a lot of truly close friends. Or at least nobody I could really call my ‘best friend’. It was usually more about groups of friends all hanging out together, with some hanging out together more than others but I wasn’t always included in that.
But since moving to London, I’d met two different guys that I thought would be there until the end. We’d talk almost daily about all sorts of shit, even if it was just to bitch about something stupid at work. And it’s been the relatively recent loss of each of them that has been playing on my mind a bit.
Obviously when I say ‘loss’, I don’t mean that I misplaced them or they’ve passed away or something disastrous happened between us (at least not from my perspective). They’re just not around any more. The calls, texts, and messages have withered up and dried up.
And in one case, their profile has suddenly disappeared from my Facebook.
We’d been super close for many years and used to go away on weekends together (he lives in Scotland). We even used to spend out birthdays together each year (2 days apart).
The last time we saw each other was on our birthday weekend in Brighton almost 2 years ago, and he’d been a bit out of it. He finally told me a few months later that he’d been distracted as there was someone at his work he really fancied… and it was a woman.
I’d only known him as gay, so was a bit shocked initially but it didn’t change anything. I didn’t care that he was suddenly interested in a woman instead of guys. I was just as encouraging regarding his feelings towards this woman as I would have been if it was a man.
Love is love, after all.
And all through the initial dating bits, I was still there as normal. I listened to his insecurities and gave advise where I could, and so forth. And I waited for details on how their first date went. As normal.
But once they actually started dating, the messages from him slowly started to petter out until the point where a general message went unanswered by him for months. At one point when things were a bit rocky between them, suddenly he was there again to chat.. but then it was back to silence once they got back together.
One of the last actual conversations we had, he was trying to get me to become Facebook friends with one of his mates up in Scotland (that I’d met once years ago). Because his mate needed other ‘gay friends’.
He’d recently promised to be in touch on a certain day to chat.. but that was over a week ago and I’ve not heard anything. It’s almost seemed like he’s tried to distance himself from all his old gay friends…
As for the other guy, well… I kinda saw it coming to an extent, as he’d done it before.
We’d first met over 5 years ago when I lived in Vauxhall, and initially we were casually seeing each other for a bit before he cooled things off because ‘he didn’t want a boyfriend’, and then ended up with a boyfriend within a couple months.
A year or two later we had a bit of a blow up after a night out at a club where he ditched me to head home with his ‘neighbour’ (he was single again at this point). I wrote about it in a fit of anger at the time (click HERE to read), which he subsequently read and blasted me for.
That was the first time he’d ‘dumped’ my friendship.
Then a couple years ago he’d messaged me out of the blue, and after awhile we ended up being just friends again. In fact, during a quite low period of mine he was one of the few people that had stayed by me, allowing me to rant and rave about my feelings.
But then things started to change once he started working from home, as he stopping hanging out socially with me. In fact, he wouldn’t even come out for my birthday last year because he wasn’t feeling ‘social’ and had too much work to do.
Communication between us started to become less frequent, and when I did hear from him, it was like he was completing a chore. Like he felt obligated to check in on me or something.
And when we would talk, he would always try to deflect any discussions about his life. And would seem like he barely listened to what I was saying based one his responses. It was odd.
In the last conversation we had end of July, he briefly mentioned that he’d started a new job and had moved flats to a different part of London.. over a month prior! And when I asked why he hadn’t told me sooner, he said ‘I’m telling you now’ as if I was prying.
During that conversation it was clear he wasn’t listening or interested in what I was saying, but when I’d said something about being unhappy at work, he responded ‘that’s good’. I’d called him on it at the time, but it was brushed off once again..
And that was it. It wasn’t too long after that I noticed that he’d either deleted his Facebook profile or had blocked me.
Obviously I’m well aware that changes happen in all of our lives, and sometimes people do drift apart. But regardless of how it happens, it still hurts when you’re the one left behind wondering what happened.
It can make life quite lonely when it feels like there’s nobody to talk to on a regular basis.