Midsummer’s Night Disappointment

Capture1
Standard

Sometimes life can get way too busy and before you know it, weeks and months have passed since you last chatted to this friend or that one.  Is it just a matter that you’ve gotten too embroiled in your day-to-day lives that you ‘forget’ to keep in contact with certain people?

I try my best to keep in contact with people, but it isn’t always easy.  I find it hard because no matter how much you try to keep in contact with some people or arrange to do things together, they’re just always too busy to meet up.  And in some cases, too busy to even return a simple text message.

From my perspective, it seems these people all have their close-knit group of friends and regularly do things together, despite some people’s insistence that they never ‘plan’ anything.  Or at least that’s the response I get when I ask I wasn’t invited along.

Yeah, right.

I admit, I’m horrible at making plans weeks or months in advance, unless it’s something big.  Generally I get to Friday afternoon and realise once again I don’t have anything planned for the weekend, so I send off a bunch of messages to see what people are up to only to get a load of ‘I’ve got plans’ replies.

I was told a few months back by one of these ‘too busy’ friends that perhaps people don’t include me because I don’t make the effort to invite them to things, to plan something for a bunch of people to do together.  Or perhaps they’ve just assumed I either wouldn’t be interested in what they’re doing or that I have my own group of friends to hang out with.

Ummm… what utter bullshit, huh?

Shakespeare son & lumiereSo I tried an experiment that ended with my own disappointment – I created a Facebook event over a month ago and invited a bunch of people to it.  It was to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare’s death, with a light and sound show at Guildhall Yard (event details HERE).

I thought it be fun and interesting, and something different to do on a Saturday evening (aka tonight).

Mostly people put themselves down as a maybe, with a few saying outright they couldn’t go and one friend saying they would join me.  Even if just that one friend came, it would make it worth it really.  And perhaps a step forward for me I think.

But fast forward to this past Thursday when I posted in the event suggesting where and when we could all meet, and asking everyone to confirm if they were coming or not.

And this is where the disappointment set in – not a single person could make it for whatever reason.  Some explained, but most didn’t at all.  And that one friend who said he’d come?  He pulled out as well, saying he was too busy this weekend (he’s taking a masters while working full time so spends his spare time studying).

Which left me with nobody to go to this thing with.  I even messaged a couple of non-Facebook friends to see if they were interested, but nothing.  So come last night I up and cancelled the Facebook event and now am not even going myself.  It wasn’t exactly the type of thing you go to alone.

man in bedSo what is a guy to do when all he wants to do is spent time with his friends and those friends are too busy to hang out?  I’ve barely been out of the house the past month and a half, and as much as I love quiet time at home, it’s really getting to me.

A person can only spend so much time by themselves before they start going stir-crazy.. or (over)thinking that perhaps he’s wasting his time on trying to get those ‘friends’ to spend time with him.

Life can be hard when you’ve tons of friendship to give and there’s nobody to give it to.

 

Where’d You Go?

depressed looking out window
Standard

I think it’s fairly obvious to say that some friends will come and go out of your life, and then there’ll be others that will be there for the long haul.  Not to mention the ones that you can go months and months without talking to, but when you reconnect it’s like no time has passed.

It’s a natural thing in life for certain people to slide in and out of your life, and that’s fine.  But what about those you thought were in it for the long haul who suddenly disappear?  It can be devastating and confusing as you wonder why they’re no longer a part of your life.

Well.. I’ve been feeling that myself for quite awhile now about someone I’d relied upon over the years to regularly being there to talk to when I needed someone … and vice versa, of course.

And you know what?  It hurts that they’re not there anymore to talk to, especially if you’re in need of a shoulder to cry on or someone to cheer you on when something really good is happening.

sad-man-2But at the same time it makes me wonder if perhaps I was expecting too much from our friendship?  I would always make myself available to listen if they needed someone to talk to, and they’d do the same for me as needed.  That’s part of friendship.

As well it’s about just being there, being present.  Bored on a Friday night?  Call the bestie and hit the pub, right?  Or if they don’t live in the same city, hop on Skype and chat the evening away.  It’s not always about being there for the good and bad times, but just being around.

Of course things do change when one of you starts dating someone new (gay or straight, it’s all the same really).  Obviously now more of their free time will be spent with their new sweetie, and that’s okay.  It’s expected and it would be weird if that didn’t happen.

But what chafes me is how sometimes when they’ve found that new boy/girlfriend, they just drop off the face of the earth.  Text messages go unanswered.  Facebook comments go unliked or not responded to.  Requests for advice are left hanging in the wind.  And it basically feels like you’re not part of their life anymore.

And you know what?  That’s shit.  It’s a horrible way to treat someone who was there through all the good and bad times, and perhaps was even there at the beginning encouraging them to ask out the cutie who’d caught their attention.  Who was there helping debate all the pro’s and con’s of starting anything new with their new love, and whether it was worth it to even try.

(It always is, by the way.  I’d never stand in the way of love.)

And as someone who’s been left behind many a time, it fucking hurts.  It hurts that you’re not there to talk to anymore.  It hurts that the first person I used to text when something interesting would happen probably wouldn’t even respond now.

It hurts that you brought your new squeeze to town for a couple of days and didn’t even suggest meeting up so I could meet them.  It hurts that maybe you wouldn’t want me to meet your new sweetie, as if I was some dirty secret.

It hurts so much that it feels like you’ve forgotten all about me.  Because I’ve never forgotten about you.

But at least I know for awhile I had you in my life, and I’ll be forever grateful for that.  We had some amazing times over the years, and that’s never something I’d ever regret, regardless of where I am in my life.

Sigh … *rant over*

alone-man-on-a-mist-road-facebook-cover-timeline-banner-for-fb

Are We Friends or Not?

turkish kiss
Standard

I’m finding it harder and harder at times to determine if some people are actually my friends or are just there for when it suits their needs.

I’m not talking about those who are in my day to day life, but more of those who only pop up when it’s convenient for them.  Where you’ll go months and months without hearing from them, then suddenly they want to know your life story, a ‘catch up’, in a sentence or two.

As if that’s even possible, even if you have such an uneventful life like me.  LOL

But the funny thing is how they react when you call them on their shitty ‘friendship’.  Some try to put it back on you because they haven’t heard from you either.. which can be a fair point sometimes.  And some will just apologise but not explain why you haven’t heard from them.

sexy turkI bring this up as I got a message yesterday from a sexy Turkish/Bahrainian guy I used to play with from time to time.  I’d last heard from him briefly at Christmas, and then his previous message was probably close to 6 months before then.

We’ve known each other for at least 3 years now, and I used to regularly message him to meet up, but he never could because of family commitments (separated from his wife, lived with his mother and had partial custody of his son..).

Or if we did agree to meet up, it was usually somewhere that was convenient for him but not for me… Many times I’d travelled to North London when I lived in Vauxhall only for him to cancel.  One time I got his cancellation message as I got there, only for him to message me a couple hours later that he could now meet.. meanwhile I’d already travelled back home.

Very frustrating, especially when we got along so well, both personally and sexually.

But after awhile, I got sick of his excuses why he couldn’t meet up.

I eventually told him that if he wanted to spend time with me then he needed to make the effort to organise it, to ask me to meet up and such.  That I was done chasing after him, that this one-sided friendship wasn’t fair on me.

religionObviously I’m not so shallow to be blind to the issues he has reconciling his bisexuality and his religion. He and his family are devout Muslims so it’s extremely difficult for him to accept his attraction to chunky guys.

In his mind, because of his upbringing, sex between two men is considered dirty and unnatural, and most definitely against everything he’s been brought up to believe in.  At one point he actually thought there was something wrong with him physically or psychologically and was looking to go to a doctor to try and ‘fix’ it.

And of course, nothing I could say to him during those periods could convince him otherwise.

Religious misconceptions aside, the most frustrating thing was how he’d never reply to messages.  Or if I sent him a message that expressed any sort of dissatisfaction with his side of our ‘friendship’, then I wouldn’t hear from him again for another couple months.

I got so frustrated by it all yesterday that I actually told him to grow a pair and be a man already. To love who he wants to love, not who others tell him he should love.  That if he likes me as much as he keep saying he does (it’s his usual spiel) then he should make an effort to see me.

sexy beard2Yeah.. that was all probably unfair of me. He can’t help that he’s been brought up in a different culture that makes people think if they don’t live a certain life then they must be a bad person.  That any deviation from the ‘norm’ would result in losing everything they hold dear.

From what I’ve gathered he’s decided to just not bother meeting me because he can’t (or won’t, not sure..) give me what I’m looking for.  I don’t expect a marriage proposal from him or anything, just be nice to spend some time together.  Even if it was just as mates.

Or maybe I’m just expecting too much from him..

Toxic Behaviours that Push People Away

bad-friends-pic-3
Standard

We all have certain behaviours or characteristics that could potentially push others away from us, even if we’re not aware of them.  Nobody is perfect (if only…) and we all fall victim at times of our own toxic mood swings from time to time.

I’ve always wondered if there were things I was doing that was pushing people away from me.  Friends would always reassure me that it was the other person, not me, and that they just weren’t worth my attention.  But when you think of the other side of things, obviously there were things I was doing that they felt were toxic and couldn’t stand being around.

Regardless of the situation, it’s more important to be able to recognise when you’re starting to show a toxic characteristic, and are able to change how you are reacting to whatever situation you’re in at the time.  It’s not easy, but once you recognise the behaviour it should become easier to stop it.

Hopefully.

‘Envy Green’ is not your colour

jealousyLet’s be honest, jealousy is not an attractive quality on a person.  When you’re constantly counting someone else’s good fortunes or wishing you had someone else’s life, that means the envy of others has gotten the best of you.

Instead look at what is going well in your own life, and if what you see doesn’t make you happy then change it and strive for what will make you happy.  Your life is just that, YOURS not someone else’s, so live it.

It’s nothing personal

Not everything that people think or feel about you is actually about YOU.  Sometimes it’s just about where they are in their own journey through life, and their own life experiences will affect how they react to you.  Unfortunately there are a lot of people who think everything is about them or a reaction to them is somehow an attack on them personally.  It is much better to take other’s reactions towards you with a grain of salt, and just follow your intuition.

Stop acting the victim

By constantly living in a state of victimisation and persistently complaining about life, you’re setting yourself up to be miserable.  The world is not against you, and only you can stop yourself from being stuck in this state of being.  We all have the power within ourselves to influence our lives and realise we are not helpless to affect our own lives.  Push past the hurt and move forward with your life.

Some-people-push-people-awayLet go of the past

Sometimes through guilt, anger, love or loss of something in your past, you can find yourself holding onto toxic experiences and allowing them to influence your present situation.  Letting go isn’t an easy thing to do, but if you can’t then you’ll continue to have the same situations pop up and bite you on the ass.  Be willing to let go and change for the present and whatever the future may bring you.

Holding onto negativity

Let’s be honest.  It’s extremely hard to be around people who are always negative about life or past experiences and aren’t willing to enjoy the life around them as it happens.  And if you’re that negative person, you may not realise you’re doing it until it’s too late and you’re left alone with your own negativity.  It’s not an easy habit to get out of, but once you do you’ll see a totally different side to life.

Being an overly emotional mess

It’s never fun being around someone who can’t control themselves emotionally.  These people tend to get upset or angry at the smallest slight, and tend to lash out at anyone and everyone around them.  These people generally have some underlying issues that are causing them to be so angry or sad all the time, and may need to get some outside assistance to work through whatever the problems are.

Judging a book by it’s cover

Being consistently judgemental of those around you, be them people you know or not, you’re being toxic in a completely mean or arrogant way.  We’ve all seen people like this.

They try to tear down others around them, sometimes trying to mask it as humour, but in the end all they’re doing is hiding their own insecurities.  They subconsciously (and sometimes actively) try to being others down to their level as a way to make them feel better about themselves.

helping-handThis list could go on and on.. There’s no exhaustive list of behaviours as everyone has different things they personally find toxic.

In the end, some of those people who show these behaviours could just be trying to cry out for help.  So if you can, be there for them and help them move past the toxic behaviours.

There’s nothing worse than when you’re trying to reach out for help and there’s nobody there to take your hand.

Warning Signs You’re in Bad Company

Better-to-be-alone-fb-cover-photo
Standard

Let’s be honest.. sometimes it’s hard to meet truly good friends.  People who are willing to be there for you when you’re in need, no matter what is going on in their lives or yours.  People who will be open and honest with you, without judging you or making you feel like you’re bothering them.

And sometimes it’s hard to tell if that so-called friend truly is a friend to you, or if they’re just using you for their own agenda.

Personally, I’ve always had difficulty making friends and don’t have many truly good ones in my life.  Because of this, I’ve been too willing to allow those in my life that I shouldn’t just so I can feel like I have people in my life.  And I have an even harder time to realise when someone shouldn’t be my friend.

So maybe this list will help me (and you) become more aware of who my true friends are.

They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.

Sure, we all get busy at times.  But if it gets to the point where you feel like you’re begging your ‘friends’ to spend time with you, then they obviously aren’t interested in cultivating the relationship and you should move on.  Even if that seems like the hardest thing in the world.

If you find your ‘friend’ only calls on you when they’ve got nothing else going on, then they truly don’t respect your time or your worth as a friend.

They hold your past against you.

We all have pasts, and some of us have mistakes in our pasts we’d rather move on from to build a better future and learn from the past.  But if your ‘friend’ consistently brings up your past as a way to hold you back, then all they’re doing is trying to hold you back from moving forward in life.

This could be that they refuse to accept that you’ve changed from who you used to be, or that you’ve moved past your mistakes.  Or it could be that they’re afraid that if you move on with your life that you’ll leave them behind.  And perhaps that’s exactly what you should do.

Sassy-Gay-Friend-2You feel trapped.

There’s nothing worse than feeling pigeon-holed in a restricted environment because your ‘friend’ wants to keep you in a box where they’ll be able to always find you.

A truly healthy relationship that thrives is one that keeps the doors and windows wide open, to allow everyone to come and go as they please.  And to give you the choice to stay because that’s exactly where you want and need to be at that moment in time.

They discredit your dreams and abilities.

If you find your ‘friend’ is consistently trying to define your dreams and how you live your life for you, then you’re enabling them to hold you back from reaching for what you truly desire.  This could be in your career, living situation, love life, or any number of things.

A truly supportive friend will be there right beside you as you work towards your dreams, and will be willing to give honest, open, and constructive criticism where necessary.  Ultimately only you can achieve your dreams and need to work hard to reach them.  And a true friend will be cheering you on all the way home, not trying to get you to live a lie.

They have lied to you more than once.

gossipHow many times will you let someone lie to you before you realise their chronic behaviour is completely disrespectful of you and your relationship.  And the longer you allow them to lie to you and give them repeated chances to be trusted, the longer you’re lying to yourself about your friendship.

Honesty is the key to a healthy and loving relationship, be it between friends, family or lovers.  And if someone isn’t being honest to you, then they’re not worth being in your life.

Their negativity is rubbing off on you.

Everyone has a few people in their lives who are constantly negative about live and the world around them.  Everything going on in their lives is negative and regardless of what they’re talking about, it’s a projection of their own inner issues.  It could be a lack of self-confidence, a feeling of entitlement or abandonment, or any number of issues they have at the moment.

That’s not to say you need to avoid people who are going through a rough patch because you don’t want their negative attitude to rub off on you.  Those people need your support and love, and sometimes even a good kick in the ass to move forward.

A truly negative person is trying to drag you down to their level and make you feel sorry for them.  They’re attention-whores, so try to surround yourself with positive people and support those who truly need it.

They are excessively envious of what you have.

It’s okay to be a little bit envious of those around you, but when someone is excessively and consistently envious, then it’s a good chance they’re just trying to take what you already have.

In the end, someone who is regularly envious of those around them actually don’t like themselves, and sometimes could just need a bit of love and support.  But no amount of love can help them mend the broken pieces they carry around with them, only they can do that.

They motivate you to be judgemental or hateful.

Judgemental people will always miss out on meeting quality people because they can’t move past the outward reflection of what they think a person is like.  Those who will only hang out with people of a certain faith, race, size, shape, or sexuality and are hateful to those same people, are basically judgemental hypocrites.

Anyone who starts a sentence with ‘I’m not prejudiced but…’ is looking for an opening to be just that, prejudiced against whomever they’re targeting at that time.

Sometimes it’s hard to filter these people out, as the subtlety that they’ll be judgemental can be missed.  Especially when it’s masked as idle gossip.

They want you to be someone else.

Never ever let anyone try to change you from who you are into who they think you are or want you to be.  It’s your life, live it as you, not some fake version of yourself that someone else has put upon you.

The best thing to do is to surround yourself with those who love and respect you for you, not who they think you should be.  It’s better to lose someone in your life who doesn’t truly care about you as a person and replace them with someone worthy of your time, than it is to piece together who you used to be.

bad-friends-pic-3Inspiration for this post came from 9 Warning Signs You’re in Bad Company over on Marc and Angel Hack Life.

Value of Friendship

friendship
Standard

It never stops to amaze me how some people just don’t know how to be a friend, or how to properly treat their friends.  Our friends are like our families, and it’s important to cultivate these relationships to ensure they thrive and grow over the years.

This is especially important in the gay community, as there are a lot of us out there whose friends ARE their families for one reason or another.  And without that network of dear friends to support and guide us through life, a lot of us wouldn’t have gotten to where we are today, wherever that is in each of our individual lives.

For myself, I’ve never been super close to my family even before I came out of the closet.  So over the years I’ve had to rely on dear sweet friends to become my family and support network.  It wasn’t because my family and I didn’t get along, because that’s not the case.  It was more because we’ve just never been that close and I didn’t feel like I could go to them with the issues I was going through.

And that’s too bad.  I would have loved to have had a closer relationship with them (it’s surprisingly a little better these days compared to when I still lived in the same country as them hahaha), but sometimes it’s best to move past what you can’t change and make sure you have people there for you when you need them.  And vice versa obviously.

Best_FriendsAdmittedly there has been times over the years when I didn’t have many friends to lean on, as some people tend to fade away when things aren’t going well.  And that’s okay, because it shows you who your true friends are.

For me, I’d do anything for my friends.  They’re always there for me, so of course I’d always return the favour when they’re feeling down or going through a rough time.  That’s the whole point of being friends, right?

Unfortunately there are too many out there who would take advantage of someone’s generous nature or their trust, all in the name of friendship.  They are only there for their own selfishness, be it intentional or not, and can’t seem to see how their actions can affect their ‘friends’.

The thing is when you’re on the receiving end of this behaviour, you can only take it for so long before you can’t do anything else but walk away for your own sanity.  Friends need to be there to support each other, not for one to act the ‘parent’ so the other (child) can continue to do what they want, safe in the knowledge their ‘parent’ is there to clean things up for them.

why-friends-are-important1That is not a healthy relationship.

We are all adults, whether we want to be or not, so we need to grow up and take responsibility for our own lives.  That doesn’t mean you can’t go out and have fun, but instead means you have to be aware of your own actions.  And accept the consequences of them.

And if you’re not happy with your behaviour, then you need to do something to change it and soon.  Because if you don’t or if you wait too long, those loving friends may not be there any more.

Positive Reinforcements

Standard

Is anyone else out there sick and tired of how negative we are towards each other?  Since when is it ok or even welcome to verbally or emotionally put down those around us, especially those we consider friends?

Oh, no you didn't! *snap*

Oh, no you didn’t! *snap*

Is there any wonder that a prevalent stereotype out there is of the ‘bitchy gay’??

All too often we say things to each other that are just a bit too critical, demeaning, and could have negative connotations in the long run.  Sure, it may just seem like a harmless joke or a bit of banter between friends, but is that truly being constructive and encouraging?

We truly do need to become more supportive of each other as people, regardless of sexuality, and use positive reinforcement to encourage each other to keep going.

Below is a list of things we should start saying more of to each other that I found over on Medium.com.  Have a read through and let me know in the comments if there is anything you’d add to the list.

1. I’M PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE.

When was the last time someone said they were proud of you as a person?  Or that you told someone that yourself?  It’s rare, especially when most will focus on what you DO not who you ARE.   Show appreciation for each other for how they live their lives, treat others, how they approach life itself, and even for attempting for something new, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you’d like it to.

2. COME JOIN US.

rtk3Who hasn’t been at a party, a pub or some other social event and totally felt excluded by those chatting away with their group of friends?  Or noticed someone standing off to the side, looking lost or lonely.  Well, invite that stranger to join your gaggle of mates and maybe they’ll turn out to be your new BFF or something.

3. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE?

Although never an easy question to answer, it’s definitely less lame than ‘What do you do?’ that people will try to start a conversation with.  And it could potentially start a more interesting and in depth conversation in the long run, and may even help the other person realise their dreams a bit more.

4. HOW CAN I BE A BETTER FRIEND?

Without meaning to, we all tend to take advantage of our friends and their willingness to be there for us.  But when was the last time you asked your friend what you can do for them?  For all you know, maybe that friend has some deep down insecurities they’ve never been willing to open up about.  It’s all about showing your friends that you’re there for them, regardless of what is going on.

5. I’M A STRONG PERSON, BUT I’M HURTING RIGHT NOW.

Let’s be honest, it’s not the easiest thing to ask for help or comfort when you’re feeling down or have gone through something personally devastating.  We need to be able to lean on each other during the tough times, and part of that is being willing to ask for that support.  It’ll also show you who’s truly there for you and who’s there just for the good times.

6. I’M AFRAID OF OPENING UP.

hardtimesAllowing yourself to be vulnerable is never an easy thing, especially in a society that looks down on ’emotional’ men as being weak or less masculine.  And being a gay man doesn’t mean it’s easier to open up about yourself either, if anything it’s harder in some ways.  It can be scary and seemingly risky to open yourself up to others, because you never know how they’ll react.  But again, if they’re true friends then it’ll just strengthen your friendship.

7. CAN YOU GET OFF YOUR PHONE?!

Let’s be honest – we all tend to check our mobiles everywhere we go, regardless of what situation we’re in.  If you’re out with friends, then leave your mobile in your pocket (unless it’s urgent, obviously).  There’s nothing worse than hanging out in a pub with a mate and they can’t maintain a conversation because they’re too interested in checking out the guys online on Grindr, Growlr, or Scruff.  *Sigh*

8. ANYTHING POSITIVE OR ENCOURAGING.

Let’s be genuinely more positive towards each other and encourage those reaching for their dreams, regardless of where we are.  Too often as gay men we allow our inner insecurities come out in snarky comments and will be regularly negative towards each other.  Positive energy is infectious – spread it around.  😀

Click HERE to read the original article

gay_friend.jpg_480_480_0_64000_0_1_0

It Gets Better.. Unless You’re Fat

Standard

Let’s be honest, it’s not easy being a fat gay man these days.  Especially not when the media and society dictates that you should look a certain way, with perfect abs, a gorgeous smile, and a head of hair enviable of pretty much everyone.  marlonteixeira1That you’re supposed to look like some Ken doll-like underwear model, and any deviation from that stereotype is considered social suicide.

What a load of bullshit, huh?  If everyone was meant to look alike, then we’d all be boring drones with nothing to do or say to one another.

But the crap thing is we’ve bought into this mind set and we spend our lives criticising others based on their appearance, be it friends or strangers.  And as much as you might say you don’t do it, you probably do it more than you realise.

I recently read an article on Buzzfeed via Facebook about this exact same topic.  About how if you’re fat and gay, you’re less likely to be included by the other gays, and you’ll probably be made fun of or made to feel bad about yourself regardless of how you look after yourself.

Click HERE to read the original article

The article was mostly about how degrading it is when people criticise you about your weight, as it if it’s such an easy thing to change.  And about how society seems to have accepted that it’s okay to criticise an overweight person, as if it’s helpful instead of hurtful.

Fat_ManBut when you wonder out loud why I can’t just lose some weight, you’re looking out for me. At least, that’s the perception. The hurtful degradation becomes socially sanctioned, because being fat is considered to be innately wrong.  And suddenly, otherwise good people feel no shame in condemning us fatties. It’s not bigotry if we deserve it.

Just like the author, I too have had people comment about my weight in regards to my looks.  That if I just ‘lost a few pounds’ or ‘tried a little harder’ then I would be so much better looking, or that it would be so much easier to find a boyfriend. Of course these people generally know nothing about my life or eating habits, so really have no right to make these comments.

And when you’ve grown up being the fat kid with low self-esteem who’s been working hard as an adult to become more confident and comfortable in your own skin, that really hurts.  As if your looks are the only thing that matters when it comes to finding friends or partners.  As if you’ll only be successful in life if you’re fit and good looking.

And it’s hard not to buy into that mentality sometimes..

ImageMake-Friends-Step-6Unfortunately, as interesting and insightful as the author was trying to be, it ended up coming across as a bit too whiney and I’m not writing about this to have a whinge myself.  As a friend pointed out when I posted the article link on Facebook:

‘..you make the best of it, you don’t wallow and go “wah none of the cool kids will touch me”, you realise the “cool” kids are arseholes and go find a circle of friends who like you for you..

And that’s the whole point, right?  Finding and surrounding yourself with people who accept you for being you, without it being all about how you look or if you fit into a certain stereotype.

And yeah, there are men out there who do like bigger guys, almost to a point where it’s a fetish, so perhaps there is some hope in the end.  Although if you ask me, I’d rather someone was with me (either as friends or otherwise) because I’m me, not because of my big belly or chunky butt.. but I suppose I’ll take what I can get.

As long as they like me for being me.  😀

Dont-ever-change-yourself-to-impress-someone

Blast From The Past

Standard

Isn’t it just amazing who you can find on the internet these days?

We’ve all spent a bit of time on Facebook, MySpace (back in the day, not that me or my friends really used it much), Gay.com (is that even still around?), or any other numerous social media sites trying to find those friends from days gone by who you’ve unfortunately lost touch with over the years.where-are-you-mobile-wallpaper

It’s been terrific to get back in touch with old school friends and even relatives you haven’t seen in decades.

For me, the one person I’ve tried to get back in contact with is my old dear friend ‘W’.  We used to hang out and party together back in Kingston (talking about 13 to 15 years ago), and he’d occasionally come for weekend visits in Montreal when I’d moved there back in 2001.

I can honestly say, at that point in my life, he was probably one of my closest and dearest friends.  We got along really well. enjoyed each others company.. and yes, for awhile early on I did fancy him but we were much better as friends.

Well.. unfortunately, the two of us lost touch about 10 years ago after his last visit to Montreal during Divers/Cite (Gay Pride) weekend after a bit of an argument and possible misunderstanding.

At that time, I was renting a room off of someone near Parc Jeanne-Mance just across from Mount Royal, and although it was fine to have visitors or overnight guests there, I wasn’t very comfortable in that flat.  I think I moved out after about 6 months actually.

Parc Jeanne-Mance

Anyway, ‘W’ had contacted me to find out if he could stay with me over Pride weekend and we made plans to hang out (ie: party) on the Friday night at Club Unity .. except after we got there, he immediately disappeared onto the dance floor with some of his Toronto friends who’d come for the weekend, and I didn’t find him again until near the end of the night.  It wasn’t a big deal, as some of my friends were there as well, so I hung out with them all night.

Over the course of the weekend, I didn’t see ‘W’ at all.  At the time, he was into all the big parties so was off all weekend partying with his Toronto friends all night long (considering the regular bars and pubs are open until 3am anyway, that was a lot of partying..).

I briefly saw him on the Sunday evening when he caught up with my friends and I having a couple drinks at Drugstore after the Pride parade… something he was supposed to meet me to watch together.  He stayed around for half an hour or so, before heading back out again to party the night away.club-unity

When I got home that evening, I found out that ‘W’ had stopped by the flat that afternoon (before he’d met me), got the live-in landlord to let him in, and he chilled out there for a couple of hours having a nap, a shower, etc.  I was surprised at this, as ‘W’ hadn’t mentioned it to me.. and it made me a bit upset as well, that he’d been there without telling me or asking if it was ok first.

It would have been one thing if I was living by myself and a friend was staying with me.. I trusted ‘W’ and would have given him a key if I lived alone, but this was a different situation.  I didn’t fully trust the landlord yet myself (I had just moved in a month or two prior I think), and he wasn’t someone I hung out with at home or even shared my life with.

Come Monday morning, ‘W’ showed up at my place just before I was heading to work.  I didn’t have much time to hang out or anything, so kinda had to rush him out of the flat so I wasn’t late.  Outside standing by his car, he said he was exhausted and wanted to take a nap before he started driving home.. in my bed while I went to work.

This pissed me off completely.  He wasn’t asking, he was stating that was what he was going to do.. so I blew up at him, and told him if he just needed a place to crash for a couple hours, then there was a sauna a couple blocks away and told him how much it cost.  And I didn’t appreciate being used just for a place to crash, as I’d thought we were going to actually spent time together, not him partying all weekend with his buddies from Toronto who saw him more often than I did.

walking-away_2And then I walked away.

That was the last time we talked to each other..

Until this morning when I got a friend request on Facebook from a name I didn’t recognise.  After I’d sent a message asking the person how we knew each other, I saw there was already a message waiting for me.. and it was from ‘W’.  Now that was a shock and a half!

Apparently, like me, he’s been trying to find me online over the years as well, but since he doesn’t have Facebook (he’d messaged me through his partner’s account) and I’d changed my email address years ago, he hadn’t been able to find me.  Until now.

I’d always felt bad how we’d left things, and regretted not being more open with how I was feeling at that time so we could discuss it.  But at the same time, I did feel somewhat justified in how I was feeling.

We’ve now got each others email addresses, so hopefully we’ll be able to maintain some form of contact.  I sent him a long-ish email this morning giving him a brief overview of what’s been happening with me past few years, and now I just have to wait and see if I hear back from him or not.

It can definitely be a small small world sometimes, huh?

My So-Called Love Life

Standard

Well, I’d call it a love life if it actually existed somewhere other than in my mind.  Or on my iPhone.  Or my computer.

I’ve talked several times about the troubles I’ve had in my dating (or sex) life and lack of any sort of relationship happening.  Ever.

I’d seriously thought that all this would change when I moved to London.  That my silly man-child romantic dream of finding Prince Charming living in a quaint little flat near the Thames would actually come true.

HA!  Oh man, what the fuck was I smoking back then?

On a side note, it is interesting to realise that since moving to London I’ve rarely dated/shagged anyone British.  Funny that..

Anyway, after a recent acceptance that Prince Charming doesn’t exist, and that perhaps I’m just one of those people who’s destined to be alone their entire lives, I’ve literally given up on finding anything.  Including shags.

Again.

I guess I’m just at the point that, if there’s never going to be any great love (or any love for that matter) in my life, then why should I even bother to keep trying?  What’s the point in being online or going out and being sociable all in the hopes to meet someone interesting?

Of course the advent of all those new and shiny mobile apps that allow you to see what guys are online in your area haven’t helped any either.  To me that’s just instant rejection, and allows you to cut out the part where you head to the pub to get snubbed or ignored.

Sure.. I should just be enjoying my time hanging out with friends and having a few laughs.  And I would, if any of them ever bothered to come hang out with me.  Or lived in the same city as me.  Or even bothered to return my messages.

(Of course the best are those people who say ‘You should have called me to hang out’ but you know from Facebook and stuff they would have just been too busy with their actual social life to sit and listen to you moan about your lack of one.. and god forbid they actually try to include you in their plans.)

That’s right.. I’m that lonely guy leaning at the end of the bar looking around wishing someone would talk to them.  Or I’m sitting on the couches, bored and playing on my mobile.  I’m shy, so I have a really hard time making a first move.

Lord knows I’ve met so many people over the years who always ask the same question: ‘What’s a nice guy like you doing single?’… Of course underneath it all you just know they’re really wondering ‘What’s wrong with you?’

And maybe there truly is something broken inside of me, some part of me that’s holding me back from truly getting out there and enjoying life, regardless of who’s around me.  I just wish I knew what it was so I could fix it.

Cause in the end, I need this solitude to change.  It’s bad enough I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night, but what’s even worse is it’s Jubilee weekend (4 day weekend) and I have zero plans with anyone..

Not that that’s anything new.. I never get invited places really.  It’s my usual weekend thing – spend it alone, and mostly in front of my computer cause at least that doesn’t ignore me.

Le sigh…