Friends Aren’t Always Forever

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Part of reason I wrote my recent post ‘Friendship Can Be Fleeting‘ was because I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the friendships that have dropped by the wayside over the past year or so.  And some of these friendships were ones that I had expected to last the test of time.

Growing up I didn’t have a lot of truly close friends.  Or at least nobody I could really call my ‘best friend’.  It was usually more about groups of friends all hanging out together, with some hanging out together more than others but I wasn’t always included in that.

But since moving to London, I’d met two different guys that I thought would be there until the end.  We’d talk almost daily about all sorts of shit, even if it was just to bitch about something stupid at work.  And it’s been the relatively recent loss of each of them that has been playing on my mind a bit.

Obviously when I say ‘loss’, I don’t mean that I misplaced them or they’ve passed away or something disastrous happened between us (at least not from my perspective).  They’re just not around any more.  The calls, texts, and messages have withered up and dried up.

And in one case, their profile has suddenly disappeared from my Facebook.

Man And Woman Help Silhouette In MountainsThe first guy is the one that hurts the most, as we’d been friends for over 8 years.  We’d always promised we’d be there for each other no matter what, even if one of us started a new relationship.

We’d been super close for many years and used to go away on weekends together (he lives in Scotland).  We even used to spend out birthdays together each year (2 days apart).

The last time we saw each other was on our birthday weekend in Brighton almost 2 years ago, and he’d been a bit out of it.  He finally told me a few months later that he’d been distracted as there was someone at his work he really fancied… and it was a woman.

I’d only known him as gay, so was a bit shocked initially but it didn’t change anything.  I didn’t care that he was suddenly interested in a woman instead of guys. I was just as encouraging regarding his feelings towards this woman as I would have been if it was a man.

Love is love, after all.

And all through the initial dating bits, I was still there as normal.  I listened to his insecurities and gave advise where I could, and so forth.  And I waited for details on how their first date went.  As normal.

But once they actually started dating, the messages from him slowly started to petter out until the point where a general message went unanswered by him for months. At one point when things were a bit rocky between them, suddenly he was there again to chat.. but then it was back to silence once they got back together.

20130206112854socially-awkwardOh, and they’ve come to London together twice since they got together, and I only found out after the fact or once I’d seen it on Facebook.  There was no suggestion of me meeting his lady friend.

One of the last actual conversations we had, he was trying to get me to become Facebook friends with one of his mates up in Scotland (that I’d met once years ago).  Because his mate needed other ‘gay friends’.

Riiight…

He’d recently promised to be in touch on a certain day to chat.. but that was over a week ago and I’ve not heard anything.  It’s almost seemed like he’s tried to distance himself from all his old gay friends…

As for the other guy, well… I kinda saw it coming to an extent, as he’d done it before.

We’d first met over 5 years ago when I lived in Vauxhall, and initially we were casually seeing each other for a bit before he cooled things off because ‘he didn’t want a boyfriend’, and then ended up with a boyfriend within a couple months.

A year or two later we had a bit of a blow up after a night out at a club where he ditched me to head home with his ‘neighbour’ (he was single again at this point).  I wrote about it in a fit of anger at the time (click HERE to read), which he subsequently read and blasted me for.

That was the first time he’d ‘dumped’ my friendship.

Then a couple years ago he’d messaged me out of the blue, and after awhile we ended up being just friends again.  In fact, during a quite low period of mine he was one of the few people that had stayed by me, allowing me to rant and rave about my feelings.

39th-birthday-cheaters-250But then things started to change once he started working from home, as he stopping hanging out socially with me.  In fact, he wouldn’t even come out for my birthday last year because he wasn’t feeling ‘social’ and had too much work to do.

Communication between us started to become less frequent, and when I did hear from him, it was like he was completing a chore. Like he felt obligated to check in on me or something.

And when we would talk, he would always try to deflect any discussions about his life.  And would seem like he barely listened to what I was saying based one his responses.  It was odd.

In the last conversation we had end of July, he briefly mentioned that he’d started a new job and had moved flats to a different part of London.. over a month prior! And when I asked why he hadn’t told me sooner, he said ‘I’m telling you now’ as if I was prying.

During that conversation it was clear he wasn’t listening or interested in what I was saying, but when I’d said something about being unhappy at work, he responded ‘that’s good’. I’d called him on it at the time, but it was brushed off once again..

And that was it.  It wasn’t too long after that I noticed that he’d either deleted his Facebook profile or had blocked me.

Ummm.. bye?

Obviously I’m well aware that changes happen in all of our lives, and sometimes people do drift apart.  But regardless of how it happens, it still hurts when you’re the one left behind wondering what happened.

It can make life quite lonely when it feels like there’s nobody to talk to on a regular basis.

Friendship can be Fleeting

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Some friends come, some friends go.  And some friends are there for the long haul.  But sometimes, no matter what you do, the friendship may end.  It could be due to some toxic behaviour from one of you, or it could be a change in one of your lives.

It’s not a matter of loving each other any less, but being willing to understand when a friendship is at it’s end.  Or even recognising when it’s already over and not worth your time to try and save.

Regardless of how a friendship ends, it can sometimes really hurt and be confusing.  So here are a few things to look out for when that fleeting friendship is actually dying a slow death…

It’s exhausting

Spending time with your friends should be fun, exciting, and make you look forward to seeing them again, even when things aren’t going so well.  But if you find you’re coming away from seeing a friend constantly drained, emotionally and physically, it could be that they’re sucking the life right out of you.

Some friends are just emotional vampires, and any time spent together is all about them or their problems.  These people are needy and will latch onto anyone who’ll give them any attention.

Jealous of your happy

Whenever something good is happening in your life, one of the first things anyone wants to do is to share it with their friends.  We all enjoy sharing our happy moments alongside all the rest of it, and a true friend should be happy when something goes well for you, regardless of what is going on in their life.

But if that friend is continually trying to bring you down or is expressing jealousy because their life isn’t going as well as yours, then that’s not someone you want in your corner.  A solid friend should be a cheerleader for your accomplishments (and vice versa) without any thought about their own issues.

Always one-sided

Best_FriendsTruly good friends will always be there for each other through the thick and thin.  They’ll be their cheerleader, a shoulder to cry on, someone they can vent to, and ultimately, their rock.  We all go through tough periods and it’s important to have the right support when you’re going through a bad patch.

But if you find that you’re always listening to your friend’s issues and they aren’t letting you get a word in about what’s going on with you, then perhaps you need to let that selfish friend go.  Same goes if they never ask what’s going on with you (because they’re too busy talking about themselves), or don’t seem to even register what you do say (cause they’re not really listening).

Friendships may teeter back and forth, but ultimately it needs to truly be two-sided.

They put you down

All friends tend to roast each other to an extent.  It’s playful and always meant in good humour, never anything malicious or to purposely put someone down.  But sadly there are those out there who’ll always have something negative to say about you to bring you down.  Perhaps it makes them feel better about themselves, but regardless of why they do it, it’s toxic and they’re a friend you shouldn’t want to keep.

True friends always have your best interest at heart.

Mooches will always mooch

truly caresWe all have that friend who never seems to have any money on them to pay for drinks or dinner, or they say they’ll pay you back for those concert tickets but you never hear another word about it.  It’s one thing if it happens on occasion, but when it’s all the time it can become quite annoying to be chasing after them.

These people may not mean anything bad by it, and sometimes they don’t even realise they’ve done it.  But in the end you can only take so much of these flighty, forgetful friends.  And unfortunately, good luck getting your money back.

They’re overly demanding

It’s one thing to be a bit needy on occasion during a rough patch, but it’s completely different when you try to fully monopolise a friend’s time to the point where they can’t maintain other friendships or relationships.

When a friend is overly possessive, it generally means they’re insecure about your friendship and they’ll allow their jealousy to show.  Some may get so attached that they’ll freak out at the thought of you having other friends (let alone a relationship), and they could even try to sabotage things.

Best thing to do – run away.  Now.

Life moves on

Sometimes a friendship will end solely because life has changed for one or both of you.  People will change and grow over time, or perhaps one of your interests have changed.  It may suck when it happens, but it’s not like there’s a particular thing you can blame it on, as it just happens.  Some people just drift apart.

A lot of the time when this happens, one or both of you will be singing the hymn “We need to catch up soon!”, but it never really happens.  It could be that one of you has found a new social circle, or there’s a new relationship that’s occupying their time, or you no longer live near each other.  It’s just life really.

bad-friends-pic-3It’s ok to feel sad or confused when a friendship ends, but allow yourself the time to get past it.  Understand what changed and then move on.  There is no point dwelling on something that has already happened and can’t be changed.

This post has been influenced by – http://www.thelist.com/17938/tell-friendship/

I’m 51 Days Late…

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I’m a bad, bad blogger sometimes..

It’s been almost 2 months – 51 days, to be precise – since my last post of any sort on my poor little neglected blog.  And that last post was a filler type (you know, when I’m not writing anything lol) with a few sexy, semi-naked guys showing off their wares.

I know.. you’ve just hated looking at those semi-clad, Adonises in my absence, right?  😉

So where have I been,?  Well.. mostly I’ve just been home being a lazy twat during the week trying to catch up on the lost sleep from the weekends.

busy diaryThis has probably been my busiest summer in many many years.  Between late June and early August, there wasn’t a weekend where I didn’t already have something planned.  And I barely spent a weekend home in my flat in July.  LOL

And no.. I wasn’t out being a dirty slag or anything quite so exciting.  Dammit. 😉

Let’s see.. how do I update you on a summer’s worth of adventures without writing a dozen pages.. I know, everyone loves a list!  🙂

    • Last weekend of June – London Pride on the Saturday, then rest of the weekend hung over hahaha
    • 1st weekend of July – After arriving back from Rome, I met some friends for a belated birthday party.. then spent the weekend hungover and cat-sitting for my old flatmate.
    • 2nd weekend of July – Spent the weekend with a ‘friend’, going to see the new Ab Fab movie, sleeping over, and then driving around the Kent countryside on Sunday.
    • 3rd weekend of July – NAKEDFEST!!  A naked camping weekend with about 200 other men.. was interesting, but very uncomfortable (note: buy a bigger tent and an air mattress haha)
    • IMG-20160723-WA00034th weekend of July – My dear friends M&B got married!!! I’ve known them almost 7 years, so was lovely to spend their special day with them.. and drinking with M and his best man until 5 am 😮
    • 5th weekend of July – M&B’s NAKED Wedding!! They had a 2nd reception for all their naturalist friends, and it was a laugh.. especially the exchanging of the cock-rings hehe
    • 1st weekend of August – I actually had a whole weekend in London and was able to catch up with a couple of friends on the Saturday night, before heading to another naked house party Sunday afternoon in West London.
    • 2nd weekend of August – Don’t think I did much all weekend other than helping my ‘friend’ with some DIY at his flat on the Sunday and then taking another drive into the Kent countryside.
    • 3rd weekend of August – A well-deserved quiet weekend, mostly spent at home. Oh, and more cat-sitting on the Saturday night.

And that brings us to this weekend, the Bank holiday weekend in the UK.  I’d originally wanted to go away for the weekend and spend it on a beach somewhere, but I never gotten around to arranging anything.

JulietaSo instead, last night was a few drinks with some mates in town, with possibility of more of the same tonight, and then tomorrow I am meeting friends to go see the new Pedro Almodóvar film ‘Julieta‘ at the BFI Southbank near Waterloo.

I’m also trying to update my laptop to Office 2013 from 2007, as I’ve started studying to get my Microsoft Office Specialist certification in Excel 2013.  I’m already well-versed in the software, so once I’ve gone through the official study guide I’ll be taking the exam (hopefully) in the next month or so.

It’s amazing how quickly this summer has gotten away from me.  I haven’t been to a beach since my trip to Rome, and that’s surprising for me!  Most summers, I’m usually down in Brighton a couple times (at least) to spend an afternoon sunning on the nude beach.. but I haven’t been once!  LOL

I’d considered going this weekend, but sadly the weather has dipped down to the low 20’s and a bit overcast after a super hot week.  So definitely not beach weather.

So all in all it’s been a damn good summer, and here’s hoping the upcoming Autumn is just as fun.

Ciao Ciao for now 😉Brighton Beach

Midsummer’s Night Disappointment

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Sometimes life can get way too busy and before you know it, weeks and months have passed since you last chatted to this friend or that one.  Is it just a matter that you’ve gotten too embroiled in your day-to-day lives that you ‘forget’ to keep in contact with certain people?

I try my best to keep in contact with people, but it isn’t always easy.  I find it hard because no matter how much you try to keep in contact with some people or arrange to do things together, they’re just always too busy to meet up.  And in some cases, too busy to even return a simple text message.

From my perspective, it seems these people all have their close-knit group of friends and regularly do things together, despite some people’s insistence that they never ‘plan’ anything.  Or at least that’s the response I get when I ask I wasn’t invited along.

Yeah, right.

I admit, I’m horrible at making plans weeks or months in advance, unless it’s something big.  Generally I get to Friday afternoon and realise once again I don’t have anything planned for the weekend, so I send off a bunch of messages to see what people are up to only to get a load of ‘I’ve got plans’ replies.

I was told a few months back by one of these ‘too busy’ friends that perhaps people don’t include me because I don’t make the effort to invite them to things, to plan something for a bunch of people to do together.  Or perhaps they’ve just assumed I either wouldn’t be interested in what they’re doing or that I have my own group of friends to hang out with.

Ummm… what utter bullshit, huh?

Shakespeare son & lumiereSo I tried an experiment that ended with my own disappointment – I created a Facebook event over a month ago and invited a bunch of people to it.  It was to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare’s death, with a light and sound show at Guildhall Yard (event details HERE).

I thought it be fun and interesting, and something different to do on a Saturday evening (aka tonight).

Mostly people put themselves down as a maybe, with a few saying outright they couldn’t go and one friend saying they would join me.  Even if just that one friend came, it would make it worth it really.  And perhaps a step forward for me I think.

But fast forward to this past Thursday when I posted in the event suggesting where and when we could all meet, and asking everyone to confirm if they were coming or not.

And this is where the disappointment set in – not a single person could make it for whatever reason.  Some explained, but most didn’t at all.  And that one friend who said he’d come?  He pulled out as well, saying he was too busy this weekend (he’s taking a masters while working full time so spends his spare time studying).

Which left me with nobody to go to this thing with.  I even messaged a couple of non-Facebook friends to see if they were interested, but nothing.  So come last night I up and cancelled the Facebook event and now am not even going myself.  It wasn’t exactly the type of thing you go to alone.

man in bedSo what is a guy to do when all he wants to do is spent time with his friends and those friends are too busy to hang out?  I’ve barely been out of the house the past month and a half, and as much as I love quiet time at home, it’s really getting to me.

A person can only spend so much time by themselves before they start going stir-crazy.. or (over)thinking that perhaps he’s wasting his time on trying to get those ‘friends’ to spend time with him.

Life can be hard when you’ve tons of friendship to give and there’s nobody to give it to.

 

Struggles of Being a Nice Gay Guy

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Who hasn’t heard one of their painfully single friends moan about how there’s no ‘nice guys’ out there anymore?  That all they seem to meet in today’s gay digital hook-up culture is a load of selfish guys with superiority complexes, or at least trying to aspire to have one instead of the natural disposition they were born with.

And for someone who identifies as a ‘nice guy’ it can be quite hard when you’re submerged in that selfish culture.  As a non-alpha male, it’s difficult to get ahead in life and relationships without having to put aside who we truly are.

The struggle is real, people.  😉

We find what we want in those aren’t willing to offer it

Most of us have just accepted that it’s part of life that we’ll eventually become hurt, disappointed, taken advantage of or even lied to when it comes to finding love, and because of this we’ve build up barriers around our hearts to distance ourselves.  A pattern of disconnection, if you will.

Unfortunately, nice guys continue to see the best in those they meet by living in the present instead of the past.  This means they’re more likely to get hurt when they think they’ve found what their looking for in someone who’s not willing to open up their damaged heart and soul.  It’s hard to continually find the best in the wrong people.

Where’s the catch?

Since when did being nice or willing to open your heart equate to being weak, inferior or naïve?  When a nice guy does something nice for another, it’s just because they wanted to, not because there’s some ‘hidden agenda’ behind their actions.  But yet society seems to think instead that means you’re easy prey or don’t have balls to stand up for yourself, so some may go out of their way to rile you up.

We’re not willing to compete for someone’s affection

In the world of dating and wooing the pants off the object of your affection, nice guys aren’t naturally inclined to compete for a mate so tend to be looked on as weak or not ‘man enough’.  Even if deep down the nice guy does desperately want to fight for what they want.

Instead, nice guys are more willing to show their crush-du-jour who they are through their actions, to truly show their inner self with dignity.  They want to attract their potential mate because of who they are, not some artifice they’ve piled on to impress some cutie at the bar.

We hate playing games

gossipIt seems all people on the dating scene do these days is play mind games, mostly with them pretending they’re always unavailable as a way to pique some guy’s interest.  It’s a game of hard to get that nice guys just aren’t willing to playing, and are seen as being too ‘available’.

Instead nice guys just tell the truth and tell a guy when we want to see them, instead of being childish and acting like we want nothing to do with them to see if they approach us first.  It’s basically a power play where the one who approaches first loses, and is one nice guys just aren’t willing to play.  We’d rather be honest.

We’re exactly what you’re looking for, but…

Why is it in this day and age there’s always a ‘but’ whenever someone tells you they like you?  Who hasn’t been seeing a guy they absolutely click with, but instead of seeing where things lead they’d rather look for something more or someone they think is just a smidge better than you.  Or they want you to change a part of who you are to suit their preconceived ideals.

Yet you hear these guys moan how they just want ‘Mr Nice Guy’ but just keep meeting assholes.  That’s because they tend to dump the nice guys in favour of some new cutie that they think they’d be a better match with and really aren’t.

We’ve been ‘friend-zoned’

Oh, who hasn’t had this happen to them really?  All too often, nice guys are set aside to be BFF’s instead of just BF’s because the other person doesn’t want to complicate or risk the friendship.  Or they’ve gotten so used to having you by their side to hear and watch their drama, that they stop thinking of you as a potential suitor.

All too often, those whinging drama queens complaining about the lack of nice guys out in the dating world are just blind to the the friends they’re dragging along for the ride.  As much as they say they want to meet a nice guy, they really think that nice guy behaviour should be reserved for their BFF.

We’ve been taken advantage of

Eventually all nice guy BFF’s get taken advantage of one way or another.  It could start small like being asked to watch someone’s jacket while they chat up some bubble butt cutie at the bar, but could eventually lead to larger more inconvenient favours.  Which are basically assumptions.

And if as a nice guy you say no to said ‘little’ favours, it’s like you’re crazy to even consider not helping a friend out.  Because who doesn’t love going an hour out of your way to make sure some drunk friend’s friend gets home okay, while your friend is copping off with Mr Bubble Butt from the bar.

really bitchWe just want to be liked

There are times when a nice guy has to weigh the pressures they’re put under to be liked against maintaining their morals.  Which could sometimes mean going against our natural character to fit in with the rest of the world around us.

In order to fit in, sometimes you’ll have to do things and go places you wouldn’t normally.. like accompanying a friend to an underwear party when you’re not that comfortable standing around in your skivvies.  Or covering for a partnered friend who’s off getting their dick sucked in the loo.

We just want everyone to have fun

All too often, nice guys are perceived as trying to ‘please’ everyone, when that’s actually much farther from the truth.  In reality, we literally just want everyone to have fun and get along.  We just want to share the joie-de-vive we have inside with other, and hope they’ll share it as well with others in their lives.  We allow our love out into the world, but sadly most don’t appreciate or reciprocate it.

We just want to help

Most nice guys tend to be so focused on helping others around them, that they forget to take care of their own happiness.  We’ll listen, heal, share, and love others to the point where their lives are in a better place, but we haven’t moved forward ourselves.

The truth is we usually think we don’t need as much help as others do, so put our own happiness to the side to help others move forward.  Sometimes we’ll even give a crush relationship and dating advise while secretly wanting to date them, only to have to sit back and smile when they have a new boyfriend.

And man, does that ever suck! :-/

This post was inspired by: 10 Struggles of Being a Nice Guy in the Gay Hookup Culture – GayGuys.com

Friends With Benefits – Can It Work?

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Life can be difficult and lonely when you’re single, regardless if you’re happy with singledom or not.  Sometimes it’s nice to just have someone to cuddle up to once in awhile, because deep down we all need a bit of human interaction.

Ok.. so it’s sometimes more about getting that ‘itch’ scratched, and you don’t necessarily want some impersonal hookup from one of those dating/chat apps some of us use.

So could finding a friend-with-benefits (FWB) be the answer to all your carnal and cuddly needs? Or is that just tempting fate too much?

And are there any actual rules in a FWB sexual situation?

I keep asking myself these questions a lot lately, mostly in regards to things with the Italian chaser.  Because let’s be honest, that’s exactly what we are – friends who sleep together.  I think..

We only seem to hookup once a month or so due to his busy schedule. We last got together after work one evening, going for dinner and then back to his to ‘relax’ naked.

Gay_Couple_togetherness_in_bed_01But it’s made me wonder if there were any rules of engagement (so to speak) for this sort of thing.

It’s been interesting and amusing reading ‘rules’ online, most of which are generally made up by the author themselves.  Though a few were downright impersonal.

One thing I noticed is that each of them drew the line between friends, FWB, and a relationship differently.. so maybe there isn’t a distinctive or comprehensive set of rules.

Emotional Attachments

The whole point of being in a friends-with-benefits situation is that it allows you the freedom to enjoy carnal desires with another person without worrying about the emotional needs of that other person. You can just bump uglies (so to speak lol) and get on with your lives, right?

But what if at some point will one or both of you develop an attachment to the other? Can you really have a sexual relationship with someone and maintain a cold, uncaring attitude towards them and their life?

Dinner & A Movie?

When meeting up with your FWB, should it solely be for sex or can you add in dinner, a movie or some other activity to your time together?  Or is that more of a date than just a shag?

The thing is if you were friends before the sex and not just a recurring hook-up, then I’d think other activities other than sex should happen as it would have anyway before you started sleeping together.

Public Persona

The difficult thing to figure out is how do you react to each other when out in social situations.

Man being comfortedDo you pretend you’re not having hot, sweaty monkey sex every couple weeks?  Do you flirt with each other as you usually do in private?  Or do you quietly suppress jealousy when they start flirting with someone else, while outwardly act like it’s no big deal.

It’s really hard when you’re used to being intimate with someone but feel like you can’t be affectionate with them amongst others.  Even if there’s nothing romantic between you, it can still be difficult to watch them flirt or go home with someone else.. or maybe that’s a sign that maybe a FWB situation isn’t for you.

Sharing Isn’t Always Caring

At what point are you over-sharing things with your FWB? It can’t only be about sex, right?  So maybe it’s good to chat occasionally, telling each other little things going on in your lives.  But at what point are you saying too much?

Not only are you pushing the boundaries between FWB and a relationship where you tell each other everything, you’re also running the risk of turning them off sexually. And let’s be honest, sex is the main reason for the two of you hanging out so maybe keep the details of your anxieties to yourself. It’s definitely not an aphrodisiac.

To Cuddle, Or Not To Cuddle…

In general, everyone loves a good cuddle.  It makes us feel better about ourselves, and it’s a great precursor to another hot session between the sheets. But is it too intimate or too romantic?

Men in Bed_thumb[7]Or perhaps it’s all about the connection between you and your own natural inclinations.  If you both normally cuddle afterwards, then what’s the harm?  It would feel odd to not cuddle afterwards if you didn’t.

I suppose in the end only you and your buddy can decide what the rules are, if any.  Best to keep things simple, light and most importantly, fun!

Here are a couple of other sites that wrote about this topic as well:

17 Rules For Friends With Benefits | Carlen Costa.

Rules for Friends with Benefits | Everyone Is Gay.

Warning Signs You’re in Bad Company

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Let’s be honest.. sometimes it’s hard to meet truly good friends.  People who are willing to be there for you when you’re in need, no matter what is going on in their lives or yours.  People who will be open and honest with you, without judging you or making you feel like you’re bothering them.

And sometimes it’s hard to tell if that so-called friend truly is a friend to you, or if they’re just using you for their own agenda.

Personally, I’ve always had difficulty making friends and don’t have many truly good ones in my life.  Because of this, I’ve been too willing to allow those in my life that I shouldn’t just so I can feel like I have people in my life.  And I have an even harder time to realise when someone shouldn’t be my friend.

So maybe this list will help me (and you) become more aware of who my true friends are.

They only make time for you when it’s convenient for them.

Sure, we all get busy at times.  But if it gets to the point where you feel like you’re begging your ‘friends’ to spend time with you, then they obviously aren’t interested in cultivating the relationship and you should move on.  Even if that seems like the hardest thing in the world.

If you find your ‘friend’ only calls on you when they’ve got nothing else going on, then they truly don’t respect your time or your worth as a friend.

They hold your past against you.

We all have pasts, and some of us have mistakes in our pasts we’d rather move on from to build a better future and learn from the past.  But if your ‘friend’ consistently brings up your past as a way to hold you back, then all they’re doing is trying to hold you back from moving forward in life.

This could be that they refuse to accept that you’ve changed from who you used to be, or that you’ve moved past your mistakes.  Or it could be that they’re afraid that if you move on with your life that you’ll leave them behind.  And perhaps that’s exactly what you should do.

Sassy-Gay-Friend-2You feel trapped.

There’s nothing worse than feeling pigeon-holed in a restricted environment because your ‘friend’ wants to keep you in a box where they’ll be able to always find you.

A truly healthy relationship that thrives is one that keeps the doors and windows wide open, to allow everyone to come and go as they please.  And to give you the choice to stay because that’s exactly where you want and need to be at that moment in time.

They discredit your dreams and abilities.

If you find your ‘friend’ is consistently trying to define your dreams and how you live your life for you, then you’re enabling them to hold you back from reaching for what you truly desire.  This could be in your career, living situation, love life, or any number of things.

A truly supportive friend will be there right beside you as you work towards your dreams, and will be willing to give honest, open, and constructive criticism where necessary.  Ultimately only you can achieve your dreams and need to work hard to reach them.  And a true friend will be cheering you on all the way home, not trying to get you to live a lie.

They have lied to you more than once.

gossipHow many times will you let someone lie to you before you realise their chronic behaviour is completely disrespectful of you and your relationship.  And the longer you allow them to lie to you and give them repeated chances to be trusted, the longer you’re lying to yourself about your friendship.

Honesty is the key to a healthy and loving relationship, be it between friends, family or lovers.  And if someone isn’t being honest to you, then they’re not worth being in your life.

Their negativity is rubbing off on you.

Everyone has a few people in their lives who are constantly negative about live and the world around them.  Everything going on in their lives is negative and regardless of what they’re talking about, it’s a projection of their own inner issues.  It could be a lack of self-confidence, a feeling of entitlement or abandonment, or any number of issues they have at the moment.

That’s not to say you need to avoid people who are going through a rough patch because you don’t want their negative attitude to rub off on you.  Those people need your support and love, and sometimes even a good kick in the ass to move forward.

A truly negative person is trying to drag you down to their level and make you feel sorry for them.  They’re attention-whores, so try to surround yourself with positive people and support those who truly need it.

They are excessively envious of what you have.

It’s okay to be a little bit envious of those around you, but when someone is excessively and consistently envious, then it’s a good chance they’re just trying to take what you already have.

In the end, someone who is regularly envious of those around them actually don’t like themselves, and sometimes could just need a bit of love and support.  But no amount of love can help them mend the broken pieces they carry around with them, only they can do that.

They motivate you to be judgemental or hateful.

Judgemental people will always miss out on meeting quality people because they can’t move past the outward reflection of what they think a person is like.  Those who will only hang out with people of a certain faith, race, size, shape, or sexuality and are hateful to those same people, are basically judgemental hypocrites.

Anyone who starts a sentence with ‘I’m not prejudiced but…’ is looking for an opening to be just that, prejudiced against whomever they’re targeting at that time.

Sometimes it’s hard to filter these people out, as the subtlety that they’ll be judgemental can be missed.  Especially when it’s masked as idle gossip.

They want you to be someone else.

Never ever let anyone try to change you from who you are into who they think you are or want you to be.  It’s your life, live it as you, not some fake version of yourself that someone else has put upon you.

The best thing to do is to surround yourself with those who love and respect you for you, not who they think you should be.  It’s better to lose someone in your life who doesn’t truly care about you as a person and replace them with someone worthy of your time, than it is to piece together who you used to be.

bad-friends-pic-3Inspiration for this post came from 9 Warning Signs You’re in Bad Company over on Marc and Angel Hack Life.

Value of Friendship

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It never stops to amaze me how some people just don’t know how to be a friend, or how to properly treat their friends.  Our friends are like our families, and it’s important to cultivate these relationships to ensure they thrive and grow over the years.

This is especially important in the gay community, as there are a lot of us out there whose friends ARE their families for one reason or another.  And without that network of dear friends to support and guide us through life, a lot of us wouldn’t have gotten to where we are today, wherever that is in each of our individual lives.

For myself, I’ve never been super close to my family even before I came out of the closet.  So over the years I’ve had to rely on dear sweet friends to become my family and support network.  It wasn’t because my family and I didn’t get along, because that’s not the case.  It was more because we’ve just never been that close and I didn’t feel like I could go to them with the issues I was going through.

And that’s too bad.  I would have loved to have had a closer relationship with them (it’s surprisingly a little better these days compared to when I still lived in the same country as them hahaha), but sometimes it’s best to move past what you can’t change and make sure you have people there for you when you need them.  And vice versa obviously.

Best_FriendsAdmittedly there has been times over the years when I didn’t have many friends to lean on, as some people tend to fade away when things aren’t going well.  And that’s okay, because it shows you who your true friends are.

For me, I’d do anything for my friends.  They’re always there for me, so of course I’d always return the favour when they’re feeling down or going through a rough time.  That’s the whole point of being friends, right?

Unfortunately there are too many out there who would take advantage of someone’s generous nature or their trust, all in the name of friendship.  They are only there for their own selfishness, be it intentional or not, and can’t seem to see how their actions can affect their ‘friends’.

The thing is when you’re on the receiving end of this behaviour, you can only take it for so long before you can’t do anything else but walk away for your own sanity.  Friends need to be there to support each other, not for one to act the ‘parent’ so the other (child) can continue to do what they want, safe in the knowledge their ‘parent’ is there to clean things up for them.

why-friends-are-important1That is not a healthy relationship.

We are all adults, whether we want to be or not, so we need to grow up and take responsibility for our own lives.  That doesn’t mean you can’t go out and have fun, but instead means you have to be aware of your own actions.  And accept the consequences of them.

And if you’re not happy with your behaviour, then you need to do something to change it and soon.  Because if you don’t or if you wait too long, those loving friends may not be there any more.

Mobile Dependency

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I’m not sure if it’s just me or maybe I’m just being lazy, but it feels like it’s harder and harder to meet people these days.  I don’t just mean for dates or even sex (*gasp*), but also to meet people for friendships.

One thing I’ve noticed over the past several years is that people don’t seem to be willing to talk to people they don’t already know anymore.. at least not in person.WomanTalkingonPhone-660x427

With the advent of the smartphones and all the different chatting/dating apps, more and more it seems that people are more willing to chat to anonymous people online than actually approach people in person, say at a pub or cafe.

I know for me personally I’ve always been a fairly shy person, especially when it comes to chatting up some cute stranger when out and about.  In fact when I do see someone I find attractive or interesting, I won’t do anything more than eye them up.

But it’s more than just about my shyness.  It’s also about how it seems whenever you go out anywhere these days people are glued to their mobiles, regardless of if they’re out with friends or not.

Makes me wonder how they got those friends to begin with if they’re constantly looking at their mobiles, be it on Facebook, or some chatting app like Growlr, Scruff or Grindr.  Is that truly spending quality time together?

Of course, I’m just as guilty of it as anyone else, especially if I’m out on my own.  I’m more likely to check my mobile to see who’s around while looking around the pub or wherever to see if I recognise anyone from the apps.

Sad huh?  😉

mobile to forehead

Looking For a Few Good Friends

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As most people in my life know, I moved to London about 4 months ago from Canada and I’ve had an amazing time setting up my life here.

Unfortunately there’s a few things missing, namely some romance (see Eternally Single) and some good friends.  Sure there are other things as well, like a decent career (don’t get me started on working in call centres, please!) or a place to truly call home, but I don’t want to go into those right now.u0205_colton_03_x322

I literally mean that I need to find myself some people I can truly calls friends … and haven’t either already slept with them, or want to.  I never claimed to be an angel, I just come across that way … well, maybe in my dreams.  😉

Since moving to London, I have met a couple of people that I can call friends, but none of them would be even remotely considered a ‘best’ friend, let alone a close one.  To me a close/best friend is someone who wants to talk to you basically every day, and right now I’m lucky if my mobile even rings once a day … and that’s usually a text message, not someone calling.

Also, some of these new ‘friends’ are people I work with, and I’ve noticed that when you’re not at work, you don’t hear from them.  That doesn’t work for me either.

Once again, I’ve been given the same advice regarding this as I was about being so painfully single: that I need to be patient because I’ve only been in London for 4 months.  I understand the advice, but you’d think after 4 months I’d have met at least one person that wouldn’t mind hanging out on a fairly regular basis.

I think what I’m having trouble adjusting to living here in London, is that people here are always busy.  They always have somewhere to go and someone to meet.  They always have something to do, and right now I feel like I’m floundering.

Luckily, this is something I can do something about.  Thanks to my friend Andrew (who I briefly dated a couple of months ago), I’m joining a gay bowling league of sorts.  It’s actually a softball league, but they bowl in the off-season, and this could be a good way for me to start making some new friends … in a non-sexual way.  I’d been contemplating joining some kind of group like this for awhile now, and it was just good timing when Andrew mentioned it to me over drinks just before New Year’s.

So, hopefully joining this group will not only give me something to do once or twice a month, but it’ll hopefully lead to me actually meeting some new people in London.  My fingers are crossed … just have to relax and remember it won’t all happen in one night.

Wish me luck!