Awe-Inspiring Artistry


I saw the below video on Facebook this afternoon, and it’s just too amazing not to share.

The amount of painstaking detail this artist puts into his work – right down to the littlest detail – just puts me in awe of his talent.  I can only imagine the patience required to do this sort of thing.

The world definitely needs more talented artists like this guy.

Housework Hottie


This is probably the sexiest thing I’ve seen online in a very long time.. Found this as I was perusing Facebook the other night.

Let’s just say, he can come do my ironing any time. Along with all the other household chores.. as long as he stayed naked, of course. 😀 😉

Midsummer’s Night Disappointment


Sometimes life can get way too busy and before you know it, weeks and months have passed since you last chatted to this friend or that one.  Is it just a matter that you’ve gotten too embroiled in your day-to-day lives that you ‘forget’ to keep in contact with certain people?

I try my best to keep in contact with people, but it isn’t always easy.  I find it hard because no matter how much you try to keep in contact with some people or arrange to do things together, they’re just always too busy to meet up.  And in some cases, too busy to even return a simple text message.

From my perspective, it seems these people all have their close-knit group of friends and regularly do things together, despite some people’s insistence that they never ‘plan’ anything.  Or at least that’s the response I get when I ask I wasn’t invited along.

Yeah, right.

I admit, I’m horrible at making plans weeks or months in advance, unless it’s something big.  Generally I get to Friday afternoon and realise once again I don’t have anything planned for the weekend, so I send off a bunch of messages to see what people are up to only to get a load of ‘I’ve got plans’ replies.

I was told a few months back by one of these ‘too busy’ friends that perhaps people don’t include me because I don’t make the effort to invite them to things, to plan something for a bunch of people to do together.  Or perhaps they’ve just assumed I either wouldn’t be interested in what they’re doing or that I have my own group of friends to hang out with.

Ummm… what utter bullshit, huh?

Shakespeare son & lumiereSo I tried an experiment that ended with my own disappointment – I created a Facebook event over a month ago and invited a bunch of people to it.  It was to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare’s death, with a light and sound show at Guildhall Yard (event details HERE).

I thought it be fun and interesting, and something different to do on a Saturday evening (aka tonight).

Mostly people put themselves down as a maybe, with a few saying outright they couldn’t go and one friend saying they would join me.  Even if just that one friend came, it would make it worth it really.  And perhaps a step forward for me I think.

But fast forward to this past Thursday when I posted in the event suggesting where and when we could all meet, and asking everyone to confirm if they were coming or not.

And this is where the disappointment set in – not a single person could make it for whatever reason.  Some explained, but most didn’t at all.  And that one friend who said he’d come?  He pulled out as well, saying he was too busy this weekend (he’s taking a masters while working full time so spends his spare time studying).

Which left me with nobody to go to this thing with.  I even messaged a couple of non-Facebook friends to see if they were interested, but nothing.  So come last night I up and cancelled the Facebook event and now am not even going myself.  It wasn’t exactly the type of thing you go to alone.

man in bedSo what is a guy to do when all he wants to do is spent time with his friends and those friends are too busy to hang out?  I’ve barely been out of the house the past month and a half, and as much as I love quiet time at home, it’s really getting to me.

A person can only spend so much time by themselves before they start going stir-crazy.. or (over)thinking that perhaps he’s wasting his time on trying to get those ‘friends’ to spend time with him.

Life can be hard when you’ve tons of friendship to give and there’s nobody to give it to.


Ice Bucket Challenge


For those who haven’t been living under a rock the past month or so, you’ve probably been inundated with video after video of all sorts of people pouring buckets of ice over their heads, all in the name of charity.

The Ice Bucket Challenge dares nominated participants to be filmed having a bucket of ice water poured on their heads and challenging others to do the same. A common stipulation is that nominated people have 24 hours to comply or forfeit by way of a charitable financial donation.

The charity in question does vary somewhat depending on where in the world you’re living. Most notably in the US, the challenge is being done to raise awareness of the disease amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS, more commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease).  In the United Kingdom, people also participate in the challenge for the Motor Neurone Disease Association or for Macmillan Cancer Support.

And wouldn’t you know it, a dear friend of mine nominated me through Facebook to complete the Macmillan Ice Bucket Challenge.. but I didn’t do it.  I wimped out.

Instead of doing the actual challenge and posting yet another video of someone pouring water over their head, I sent a donation to the charity and posted on Facebook asking for others to complete the challenge on my behalf.

Ice bucket donationAnd surprise surprise, I totally got the piss taken out of me by a couple friends for not doing the challenge, although they did commend me for still sending a donation.

I could come up with all sorts of excuses why I didn’t do it – I’ve had a bit of a sore throat past couple of days, it was too chilly outside, I didn’t have anyone to film it for me, and so forth.

But to be honest, I just didn’t want to do it.  To stand out in my garden and pour a bucket of ice water over my head while filming it for others to laugh at.  It just seemed a lot of silliness to add another video to the already massive number on the internet.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the whole premise behind the challenge (regardless of which charity it’s being done for) is terrific and a fun way to raise awareness for these diseases, and to further educate those who are unaware of what they are.

But for me, I felt I could do more than just pour ice water over my head.  Like write a blog post about it all to help promote the different charities, and to ask those who can to give to either of them.  As well as the donation I did send in myself.

Doing the challenge is great and all, but I think some of the videos out there are just people following along with this summer’s ‘trend’.  I’ve seen many videos online where people don’t even mention the charity, why they’re doing it, or whether they’ve made a donation themselves. And that’s not helping the charities at all, but instead just giving people a funny video to laugh at.

Of course, it’s the end result that matters most – increasing each charity’s funds so they can do more research and work towards prevention of the diseases.  And by talking about it to get more information out there we can help even more than just pouring water over our heads.

And in the end, isn’t that the most important thing?

Click the links below to find out more about each of the charities, the work they’re doing and the challenges themselves.  Please give if you can.

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge –

Macmillan Ice Bucket Challenge (UK) –

As well watch the below video to see what sufferers of ALS go through.  It’s an emotional and beautifully made video once you get past the super funny part at the beginning.

It’s the only ALS Ice Bucket video you really need to watch.

How To Get Your Mojo Back | LinkedIn


Layout 1When most people think of someone losing their ‘mojo’, they generally think of that scene from Austin Powers when he’s lost his sex drive.

More generally, losing your mojo means you’ve lost your self-confidence and belief in your own abilities, and not just when it comes to sex.  That you’ve lost your ability to bounce back from a debilitating trauma and negative attitude.

Like when you’ve lost a job and you’re left feeling adrift or with no idea of what to do next.

Yep, that’s been me for most of the past 2 years.  The longer my unemployment went on, the less confident I was in my own abilities.  And I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts creeping into my head – that maybe I wasn’t that good at my job, or that maybe my past successes were just a fluke.

And despite friends trying to bolster my confidence by reminding me of all the great things I’d done, all I could muster was something non-committal.  Because in my head, all I could think was ‘I suck’.  Even though I didn’t.

Basically when you’re in this situation and your mojo seems to be playing the most annoying game of hide-and-seek ever, you need to take it as a sign from the universe that it’s time for a change.  That maybe you need to go in a different direction, and soften your usual rushed go-go-go approach to life.

Here are a few helpful tips gleaned from an article on LinkedIn a friend posted on Facebook (click the link at the bottom for the full article).

Write it out

As evident by this very blog, I like to write out what I’m feeling and thinking instead of letting it bounce around my poor head.  By journalling your thoughts, it allows you to look deeper into yourself, find ideas your conscious mind might not have normally thought of, and allows you to guide your own reinvention.

Change it up a bit

If-you-do-not-change-directionSometimes you just need a break from what you’ve been doing or trying to do and take things in a different direction.  A lot of people tend to get a survivor job while looking for more gainful employment, and this allows them to do something completely different. It can help you stay focused mentally, as well as keep an income coming in.

In fact some people continue to work a second, part-time job once or twice a week just as a way to shift their attention.

Get Out of Your Head

This is advice I need to take – stop trying to ‘solve’ everything like a logic puzzle, because you’re not a puzzle.  Instead you need to look at this as a time for reinvention, like the physical transformation when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

So the best advice for this is to do something fun and possibly artistic (like working on that damn novel I started a few months ago).  Go dancing.  Enjoy the sunshine.  The more you care and respect your body by letting your brain have downtime from the normal job hunt, the faster your mojo could return.

You’ve come a long way, baby!

We’ve all gone through rough times and came out of them flying like the wind.  You need to remember where you’ve been and how you’ve gotten to where you are, as it’ll paint a picture of your path and remind you of how far you’ve come.

Whenever I start to think life is crap, I try remembering how I got here in the first place.  And by here, I mean London.  I was living in Montreal, bored with life, and I decided one day to do something about it.. and spent the next year planning, organising and saving to move to London.  It wasn’t easy, but I put all the naysayers behind me and achieved something I never thought was possible before.

It reminds me that anything is possible if I want it hard enough and actively move towards it.

impossible1Move your booty

Get off your ass and step away from the computer!!  Or at least that’s what I tell myself when I’ve spent untold hours every day sitting at the laptop looking through job ads.  So I’ve been making myself leave the house and going for a walk, or forcing myself to go to the gym (I’ve been quite lazy about that lately..).

You can’t force your mojo back by sheer brain power itself, so you need to let your body take over and take care of you.

Helping others

A great way to boost your own mojo is to help someone else in need, be it through volunteer work, listening to your mate’s boyfriend troubles, or helping a fellow job seeker with some advice.  By helping someone else, you’re boosting your own sense of self as you’ll realise you have more wisdom and knowledge than you ever thought before.

Be aware of what’s around you.

When looking to reinvent yourself, you need to remember it doesn’t happen in a linear process.  Instead you need to keep an eye and ear out for the little messages around you.  It could be something overheard on the bus, something you notice sitting in the coffee shop, or even something that pops up in a dream.  Whatever it is, it could lead you to your next adventure, so listen up and enjoy the ride.

Un-define yourself from your past

I felt lost and confused when I first went through my redundancy, as I’d defined so much of my life based on my job.  Those feeling caused me to become unsure about myself and who I was as a person.  What I needed was to remember that a job is just a job, and it isn’t the whole of my existence.  And it most definitely didn’t define me as a person.

You need to remember that bigger adventures are always on the horizon, and that you are fine and amazing.  You need to give up on that perceived fixed identity and be ready for the possibilities.  You don’t need some high-paying, powerful job with a fancy business card to be amazing, because you’re already there.

Be yourself and let life take you where it’s supposed to.  Trust me, you’ll enjoy the ride all the better.  You just need to give it time for your mojo to come back to you.

dilbert_cartoon_powerlessnessClick here to read the original article – How To Get Your Mojo Back | LinkedIn.

Finding A Life


findingyourself2I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to find my place in the world, be it career-wise or personally.  I’m not sure why, but all through my childhood and into adulthood I’ve never truly felt I fit in anywhere.  Work, school, socially.. hell, even sometimes with my own family (who I love to bits!).

I think for me I’ve always felt like I was on the outside looking in socially.  And the decisions I’ve made in my life were all about trying to find out where I fit in.  I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve felt like I’d found where I needed to be, only for things to change down the line and start feeling like an outsider once again.

Over the years I’ve had different groups of friends where, for awhile at least, it seemed like we were all hanging out together all the time.  Then as always happens in any social circle, people started moving away, started to make other friends, or started dating someone new… and I slowly started to see my social circle dwindle.

But that’s part of life right?  People move on (or move away) and situations change, meaning you might catch up with each other every few weeks/months instead of seeing/chatting to each other every couple days.

I think for me the hardest part has always been that (unrealistic) feeling of abandonment when people move on.. like they’ve made a conscious decision to stop making you a part of their inner circle of friends.

I know it’s silly to think that, but it’s how I’ve felt at times when I’ve seen people who used to regularly call me to hangout posting on Facebook about how much fun they’re having with their current friends.


I’ve never been that good at making new friends if I have to be honest, so perhaps that’s why it hurts more when it feels like I’m being (unintentionally) excluded from stuff.  I know deep down it’s not being done with any malicious intent (oh gawd, at least I hope it’s not!) but more that they don’t think to invite me to things for whatever reason.

Of course it works both ways – why should I always be waiting for them to call me, when I should be calling them?  And that’s completely valid.  I totally agree with that.  But what if you get to the point when you scroll through your contact list (mobile, Facebook, Whatsapp, etc) you can’t seem to find anyone you want to reach out to?

Now before anyone gets worried that I’m dropping back into some depression or something, let me just say I’m not at all.  I was just thinking the other day how this has happened many times over my life, and it’s become almost cyclical.  And about how I have tons of free time on my hands and nothing to fill it with.

A mate and I were talking about this the other day … ok we were really talking about how crap our love lives were and how we weren’t getting any proper dates lately.  LOL

But the point we both got to is we need to do something that gets us out of the house and forces us to be more social.  We’ve discussed the possibilities of joining a yoga class, or going to ‘speed-dating’, or even going to a ‘gay geeks’ meetup (his idea, not mine lol).

Pretoria-Professional-Sport-Massage-Bodywork-for-men-male-Massage_38492_imageI used to go to an occasional hobby (natualist) massage class up in North London, where we got taught techniques to give sensual massage.  It was kind of social, but I never met anyone through the class that wanted to meet up outside of it.. so I stopped going after awhile, despite still enjoying the class.

I’ve been looking into maybe joining a writing group of some sort, where either you share your stories and ideas to get feedback, or one where it’s just a weekly get together to write on your own while sitting with the other writers (motivational and all that).  I’d be interested in maybe taking a writing workshop of some sort, maybe something on how to write better dialogue or fictional pieces.

In the end it’s just a matter of finding something that works for me (and I can afford of course) that gets me out of the house and makes me interact with others with a shared interest.

It would sure beat sitting at home in front of the telly.  😀

Another Lazy Sunday


man-lying-couch-reading-newspaper-7923201Today’s been turning into a much lazier day than originally planned.

Unlike most Sundays, I was up at a reasonable time (10am is reasonable right? lol), made coffee, caught up on things on Twitter and Facebook (click the links to the right to follow me on either platform), read a couple blogs, and listened to the radio in the kitchen playing some fun upbeat tunes while playing on my iPad.

You know, a simple and chilled way to start the day, but still a bit productive.. Well more productive than lazing in bed. Lol

My initial plan for the day was to spend most of the afternoon writing some more, maybe finishing off the short story I’d started yesterday, but the grumbling in my stomach changed those plans.

I hadn’t had a chance to pick up some groceries the past couples days so didn’t have anything in the cupboard for breakfast, so I decided to head into Crystal Palace to treat myself to a late brunch at a little American-style diner before hitting the shops.

It was quite delicious, and was nice to linger over my coffee as I read some more on my Kindle (I’m currently rereading the A Song of Ice and Fire series, the books that the show Game of Thrones is based on… soooo excited for the upcoming series).

And of course, checking to see if there was anyone cute around on the apps.  😉

photo 1There’s not many gays in my area on the main apps I use (Scruff/Growlr), but I did end up chatting to a sexy beardy masseur who lives in the area.  We chatted about meeting up, but he was off to meet some clients and then some friends in town for dinner.

Too bad, though we did bump into each other briefly as I was on my way home from the grocery store.  Very cute indeed.

*Sigh*  Another time.. I hope.  😉

Once home, I was a complete lazy-ass and spent the rest of the afternoon on the sofa, listening to music and playing on the iPad once again.  Other than chatting to a couple mates, I spent most of the time browsing pics of some very sexy men.. Men that solely seem to exist in our fantasies.

Well, in my fantasies anyway.  LOLtumblr_lrj1b2wF261r22ghio1_500

Umm… anyway.  Despite my desire to be a bit more productive, it’s been a lovely chilled day.  And despite the prospect of going back to work tomorrow, I’m feeling quite relaxed at the moment.. and hope to stay that way throughout the evening.

Hope you’ve all had a nice, relaxing Sunday as well.  😀

It Gets Better.. Unless You’re Fat


Let’s be honest, it’s not easy being a fat gay man these days.  Especially not when the media and society dictates that you should look a certain way, with perfect abs, a gorgeous smile, and a head of hair enviable of pretty much everyone.  marlonteixeira1That you’re supposed to look like some Ken doll-like underwear model, and any deviation from that stereotype is considered social suicide.

What a load of bullshit, huh?  If everyone was meant to look alike, then we’d all be boring drones with nothing to do or say to one another.

But the crap thing is we’ve bought into this mind set and we spend our lives criticising others based on their appearance, be it friends or strangers.  And as much as you might say you don’t do it, you probably do it more than you realise.

I recently read an article on Buzzfeed via Facebook about this exact same topic.  About how if you’re fat and gay, you’re less likely to be included by the other gays, and you’ll probably be made fun of or made to feel bad about yourself regardless of how you look after yourself.

Click HERE to read the original article

The article was mostly about how degrading it is when people criticise you about your weight, as it if it’s such an easy thing to change.  And about how society seems to have accepted that it’s okay to criticise an overweight person, as if it’s helpful instead of hurtful.

Fat_ManBut when you wonder out loud why I can’t just lose some weight, you’re looking out for me. At least, that’s the perception. The hurtful degradation becomes socially sanctioned, because being fat is considered to be innately wrong.  And suddenly, otherwise good people feel no shame in condemning us fatties. It’s not bigotry if we deserve it.

Just like the author, I too have had people comment about my weight in regards to my looks.  That if I just ‘lost a few pounds’ or ‘tried a little harder’ then I would be so much better looking, or that it would be so much easier to find a boyfriend. Of course these people generally know nothing about my life or eating habits, so really have no right to make these comments.

And when you’ve grown up being the fat kid with low self-esteem who’s been working hard as an adult to become more confident and comfortable in your own skin, that really hurts.  As if your looks are the only thing that matters when it comes to finding friends or partners.  As if you’ll only be successful in life if you’re fit and good looking.

And it’s hard not to buy into that mentality sometimes..

ImageMake-Friends-Step-6Unfortunately, as interesting and insightful as the author was trying to be, it ended up coming across as a bit too whiney and I’m not writing about this to have a whinge myself.  As a friend pointed out when I posted the article link on Facebook:

‘ make the best of it, you don’t wallow and go “wah none of the cool kids will touch me”, you realise the “cool” kids are arseholes and go find a circle of friends who like you for you..

And that’s the whole point, right?  Finding and surrounding yourself with people who accept you for being you, without it being all about how you look or if you fit into a certain stereotype.

And yeah, there are men out there who do like bigger guys, almost to a point where it’s a fetish, so perhaps there is some hope in the end.  Although if you ask me, I’d rather someone was with me (either as friends or otherwise) because I’m me, not because of my big belly or chunky butt.. but I suppose I’ll take what I can get.

As long as they like me for being me.  😀


Has Facebook Become a (Gay) Prude?


We’ve all seen some of the pictures that get posted on Facebook all of the time.. very buxom girls with barely any clothing on, plastered over some car or bent over some piece of furniture.IMG_1852

And as we’ve seen, these pictures are apparently perfectly fine and allowed on Facebook since they never seem to be reported for indecency or removed.  And you never hear of the people posting those pictures being barred or penalised for showing those pictures.

But change the buxom lady for a fit muscular man, and whoa momma!!  That’s a whole other kettle of fish.. and gawd forbid you potentially make a man look sexual in a gay way, even when solo in a picture and not showing any naughty bits.

That’s right, when that happens, Facebook tends to remove the ‘offending’ picture and sometimes bars the owner/poster of the picture until they’ve ‘investigated’ whether it is in violation of their Community Standards.  Or whatever it is they are checking them against.

So there definitely seems to be some kind of double standard when it comes to male and female sexuality being displayed on Facebook.

Back over the holidays, I became aware of Michael Stokes Photography (Click here for his Facebook Page) and a bit of controversy over one of his pictures, posted below.  In fact, this picture was reported to Facebook as containing ‘nudity or pornography’.


That’s right.. someone took the time to ‘report’ this picture of a very sexy man dressed up like a priest.  Other than baring his chest, there’s no nudity and most definitely has no hints of pornography (though find me a gay man who hasn’t had a priest fantasy.. or two haha).

Click here for his Facebook Page

What happened next was absolutely ridiculous, as far as I’m concerned – Michael Stokes posted the notification they’d received about the picture on Facebook and then was banned for 30 days from the website.  His posting of the notification was removed, but surprisingly the picture itself wasn’t.

But it also seems to have had something to do with this picture:

Michael Stokes Photo1

Once again, another absolutely gorgeous picture of a super-fit man who just happens to only be wearing a helmet and what looks like an athletic support cup covering his genitals.  It’s definitely a sexy picture and could be considered slightly pornographic (personally I say somewhat erotic..), but is it even remotely offensive?

After awhile, Mr Stoke’s access was reinstated and he continued to post his photography on his page to the delight of his followers… Until the other day when he received another notification from Facebook, only this one stated they’d removed a picture from his page:

Michael Stokes Photo2

Other than showing a bit of upper buttocks, there is no actual nudity and nothing really pornographic about this picture, so why was it removed by Facebook?  And how could this be against their Community Standards?

Quite obviously someone who finds this type of photography offensive and inappropriate to view has taken the time to become a fan of this man’s Facebook page, and then is making it their mission to harass Mr Stokes by reporting his beautiful photographs.  Personally I think those sort of people should get a life and if these great pictures are not their cup of tea, then don’t look at them.


Click HERE to visit the photographer’s website

After a lot of looking on Facebook, I eventually found the Community Standards section by doing a physical search for it.. They’re not exactly something you can find just by clicking something on the top or bottom of the page.  Here is what they put in regards to Nudity and Pornography:

Michael Stokes Photo3Facebook has a strict policy against the sharing of pornographic content and any explicitly sexual content where a minor is involved. We also impose limitations on the display of nudity. We aspire to respect people’s right to share content of personal importance, whether those are photos of a sculpture like Michelangelo’s David or family photos of a child breastfeeding.

But the question must be, who at Facebook decides what is considered part of these standards and what isn’t?  Are these based on someone’s personal beliefs or tastes?  And why aren’t these same standards being applied to the pictures of those buxom women with their tits and asses hanging out?

And why should one person (or committee of people) get to chose what we can or cannot see in our own Facebook feeds?

Or even sometimes in the personal messages we’ve received.. Back just before Christmas, my old flatmate from Montreal sent out his usual Christmas cheer message to people on his friends list through Facebook messenger.  It was a lovely message as usual… but because he sent it to a large mass of people all at once, he was flagged for sending SPAM.

Yeah.. apparently now wishing your friends Merry Christmas is now considered against their Community Standards … Maybe he should have said ‘Happy Holidays’ instead.  😉

Reporting Facebook

Loneliness or Boredom


There can sometimes be a fine line between the two, but for some people one can be interchangeable with the other.  And for some people one can lead to the other.boredom

Or at least maybe that’s just the way it is with me.  When I get bored of sitting at home and generally of my own company, that boredom can sometimes lead itself to an annoying loneliness that makes me feel like I’m utterly alone in the world.  And I get to the point where I’m almost desperate for company of any sort.

Yeah I know, not exactly a realistic response to being bored but it’s what happens sometimes.

Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental or emotional factors. (Source: Wikipedia)

Don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time.  Time where it’s all about me and what I want to do, even if it’s just lounging on the sofa playing on my iPad.

people-lonelyBut from time to time, like on a recent weekend, I felt completely abandoned and helpless to change my loneliness.  When this happens I tend to sit around watching the feeds on Facebook or Twitter (and sometimes the new posts on here), and become jealous and down as I watch others out there living life while I’m sitting at home with nothing to do.

I never seem to plan anything in advance these days, despite how (in London) everyone seems to be super busy and you usually need to book things several weeks ahead of time.  And even then there’s no guarantee it’ll even happen.  Most people are always on the look out for things to fill their calendars ahead of time, where I’m usually doing things on the fly.  Which would explain why I spend many a weekend sitting at home by myself.

On this particular weekend, I was looking forward to a nice quiet weekend of relaxation and a bit of writing.  Or at least a nice quiet Friday night with possibly doing something on the Saturday or Sunday with a mate.  Or maybe finding some cutie to spend some time with.  😉

So, the Friday night was nice enough and all.  I’d treated myself to a pizza, did a bit of writing, and watched whatever crap was on TV.  I had messaged a few people I knew (and a couple I didn’t on the ‘dating’ apps), but didn’t really get any responses, which is what I think precipitated my boredom to morph into the loneliness I felt for the rest of the weekend.

And as the weekend went on, and the various messages continued to go unanswered, the worse my loneliness got.

The thing I find interesting (and slightly alarming to myself) is that when I get like this, you’d think the logical course of action would be to get out of the house and just go do something.  Go somewhere where there are lots of people, or go do something special for myself to relieve the boredom of sitting at home alone.Lonlieness3

But instead I become almost agoraphobic in that I won’t leave the house unless I absolutely have to (like for groceries or cigarettes), and get almost resentful that nobody is around or is willing to come visit me while I’m feeling down.

I’ve actually had a few people tell me that because I now live so far away from Central London, it’s ‘too far’ to come visit me at home which I think is kind of bullshit.. If someone’s a friend or mate, then where they live shouldn’t matter.  And when they’re in need of company or just someone to talk to, distance should never be a factor.

I sometimes think that I subconsciously sabotage myself, particularly when I do get the rare invite to go out but somehow end up coming down with a migraine or a stomach ache.  I’m not sure if it’s entirely psychosomatic or if I’m just overanalysing what ‘may’ happen when I go out, but it can be debilitating which leaves me still sitting at home. Maybe I should force myself to go out during those times..

Of course I do know deep down that I’m the only one that can get me out of these funks when they happen, and I can’t be dependent on others to ‘entertain’ me or keep me happy.  And I’m painfully aware that these episodes could be tied to the depression I went through last year (Click HERE for previous post) and are things I still need to work through.

I know I do have a (small) handful of friends who are willing to be there for me, both literally and virtually, but just how much can I rely on them for my own happiness?  I can’t really, and it’s perhaps the neediness I start showing when I’m feeling lonely that can drive people away or prevent them from inviting me along when they go out.

And yes I know there’s nothing stopping me from going out on my own, but let’s be honest.  How fun is standing in a pub by yourself on a Friday or Saturday night with nobody to talk to?

Well, at least I’d still have my mobile to keep me company.  😉