I’m not sure about any of you, but sometimes I wonder if maybe my life would have been better (read: easier) if I could have been satisfied living a simpler life.
I mean being satisfied with living a simple life, where there was no desire to go forth into the world or improve my station. I mean being happy with what I have and where I am, without wanting more.
Hmm.. not sure if I’m explaining that clearly. Let me see..
Ever since I was a small child, I always had dreams of living in the big cities, having some amazing career, and just enjoying what the world has to offer. I used to look at tv shows and movies, or pictures in magazines and fantasize about visiting and living in all these amazing places around the world. Especially Europe.
I knew from a young age there was no way I was going to stay in my little small town, cause it just wasn’t going to give me the life I wanted to live.
And that’s not even looking at the gay factor.
My home town is very much a factory and farming town (despite being over 45k in size), where the main place to shop is a huge WalMart, and the social scene mainly consists of karaoke, country and titty bars. It’s a place you go to live to raise your kids or to retire.
Definitely not much there for a relatively young (40’s the new 30, right?) gay man who’s used to being able to do what he wants, when he wants, without having to drive several hours to do it (it’s approximately 3 hrs either way to Toronto or Montreal.. and I don’t drive). No real culture other than local history, the annual diversity festival (or whatever it’s called), the community theater, and driving around at Christmas looking at the lights on the houses.
But why do I bring this up? How is this even a concern, especially since I’m living in London and haven’t lived in my home town in about 15 years or so?
Well.. with all the troubles I’ve been having with finances and finding a job over the past while, it’s actually been suggested by my parents that I move back to Canada to regroup. Which would mean moving back to my little home town to stay with family until I got on my feet again.
As much as I love my family and it would be amazing to spend more time with them without it being a massive trip to visit, I honestly can’t see myself going back there for anything other than a visit.
And as I discussed with my sister around the same time, if I went back there to live I’d be absolutely miserable there. And she agreed with me.
I could totally see what would happen – I’d move back there, find a job (as if it’s easier to do so in a small town than a big city..), then a flat to live in, and next thing I know a couple years have passed me by and I’m still there just working and keeping my head above the water. And miserable because I don’t have a social life, let alone a dating/sex life.
Yeah I know, that’s a fairly pessimistic view of the situation, but I think it’s fairly accurate. I was lucky when I was in my early 20’s to have met an amazing group of gay and lesbian friends, several of whom have become life-long friends I still keep in touch with. But like with all small towns, most gay men and women tend to flock to the big cities to be part of the communities there, and the safety of being able to walk around town with friends or a partner without worrying if you’re going to be gay-bashed.
But all of it has made me wonder WHY I couldn’t have been happy living the small-town life. Why do I continuously want to get more out of life and live in the world, instead of just being satisfied with what I might have had living there?
Or perhaps it’s time to give up on my dreams? To forget about where and how I want to live my life, and just find a place in my home town to sort of call home, and stare out the window trying to forget about all the places around the world I haven’t seen yet.
Could I truly go back to that life?
I’m not saying my life in London is amazingly perfect or anything, but at least it’s my life and I get out of it what I put into it, broke or not. And sure, I’ve mentioned previously about how I want to leave London, but I don’t want to leave the UK.. It’s home to me now, this is where I want to live.
Shouldn’t that matter most of all? Or is that just me being selfish?