Why Are You Single

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Life can be frustrating when you know what you want but never seem to find it.  Especially when it comes to romance and relationships.

It’s bad when someone asks ‘why are you still single’ while extolling how wonderful and ‘nice’ you are.  It’s almost like they start looking to find out what’s wrong with you.  Or start talking down to you about ‘needing to be patient’ or having just ‘not found the right guy yet’.  As if that is supposed to make you feel better.

The worst though is watching those around you seemingly jump from relationship to relationship without batting an eyelash.  They make it seem so easy that it can make you feel worse about yourself.

Perhaps there’s a reason you’re still single.. and maybe it’s one of the below.  Or maybe you just meet a lot of jerks.  LOL

Your friends take up too much of your time

Friends are the rock that can help you get out of a hard place, and be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on.  But if you have such a wide circle of friends that you’re spending all your time trying to maintain those friendship, when do you get room for your love life?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having lots of friends, as ultimately they do help you be a better you and perhaps mold who you are as a person.  And sometimes they even become our families so it’s important to nurture that connection.

But when it gets to the point where you’re spending all your time appeasing their happiness and your own gets left by the way-side, then you need to make a few minute changes.  Allow yourself some time for your and your own needs.  Allow yourself space to meet someone interesting.

Your confidence becomes cockiness

Let’s be honest – we’re all immensely attracted to a confident man who knows what he wants and how to get it.  But at what point does your confidence turn into something less attractive?  Or perhaps it makes you seem above the rest of us who aren’t as comfortable in our skins.

As artificial and plastic as the gay community can seem at times, there’s something to be said for coming across as a flawed, compassionate human who’s still working through whatever baggage they have.  And having baggage isn’t a bad thing, it just means you’ve lived life and have the battle scars to show for it.

All in all, leave your ego at the door and allow yourself to be open to new possibilities.  Nobody is perfect, not even you.  So why judge others as if it was true?

Always looking for something better

To be honest, sometimes the grass is greener right where you are but you just can’t see it.  Too often guys will spend all their time still looking for something better, even when they have something great already in front of them.  We’ve been brainwashed to think there’s got to a perfect guy out there for us, when in fact there’s no such thing.

You could be allowing something really great that has potential to grow into something amazing slip through your fingers.  Relationships are never easy and it’s even harder to find a meaningful one.  So why give up before you’ve even tried to see where things can go?

Stop throwing away the good guys just because they’re not what you think as ‘perfect’.

Are you ‘ready’?

Who hasn’t said at one point or another  they’re not ‘ready’ or ‘looking for something serious’ right now?  Do you really understand that’s just you giving an excuse why you’re not dating at the moment, and that really you just love being single so you can play the field?  And that’s ok to admit that.

Basically all you’re doing is allowing yourself to procrastinate about your love life.  You’d rather push perfectly great guys away so you can have some ‘fun’ instead of being willing to see where things may develop.

What a waste… especially when there’s an actual connection between you.

Hard to get is more than your mantra

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a strong, independent guy who marches to their own beat in life.  In fact, that’s insanely attractive in a guy because you just know they’ll always give you space in a relationship or not become overbearing because value their time alone.

But… if it gets to the point where you’ve become stubborn or can’t conceive of allowing anyone into your life because of your independent spirit, then potentially you’re missing out on something great.

It’s not a matter of whether someone special or new fits into your life plans, but instead how including them could move you closer to where you actually want to be.

Work work work

There’s something to be said about having a healthy work-life balance.  When you’re living to work instead of working to live, you’re risking burning yourself out and then not having anyone there to help you pick up the pieces.  Work is important, but it shouldn’t be the only thing in your life.

Also, if you have no personal life who are you going to vent to when you’ve had a bad day?  The cat?  Even the strongest among us need someone they can turn to that isn’t part of their daily work life.  With the right balance, you canhave an amazingly successful career and someone special at home to help you decompress.

Leave your work at work.

You’re afraid to settle down

When you’re a free and independent spirit, you might think the idea of settling down means the end of your fun, carefree ways.  That having a relationship means you’ll stop trying to achieve something in life, or that the other person will stifle your joie de vivre.

Perhaps instead you’ll actually shine even brighter than ever by letting someone special in.  They will inspire you to become a better version of yourself.  Your life could be even more enriched by including them in your life, and vice versa.

So drop your ego at the door, and give them a chance to show how you can enhance each other’s lives.

You have intimacy issues

Being intimate with friends, family and some short-term loves can be easy.  It comes second nature as there’s no pressure or worry about where things may lead.  You’re just cool and comfortable around each other.

But when it comes to something more serious, your cool factor plummets to the point you’re terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.  Or that you stop feeling like yourself around the other guy, and maybe even feel like you’re losing yourself somewhat.  And that’s all normal.

Love can knock you off-centre and gets you thinking about situations differently than you might with a friend. It can kick you ass, but once you’ve honed your ability to manage these new feelings, you’ll be flying.

Nobody is psychic

How the hell are you going to get the man of your dreams if you’re sitting back waiting for him to ready your mind?  If you’re not telling him what you want or need, then it’ll be a crap-shoot whether he gets it right and you’ll ultimately be disappointed when he doesn’t.

And the reverse is true too.  If you like a guy, then just tell him already!  Stop playing coy and unassuming, and let him know you want to get to know him more.

This post has been inspired by – You’re Awesome, But Here’s Why You’re Still Single: – GayGuys.com

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Changing the Stigma of Being Single and Alone

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We’ve all been there.  Single, alone and wishing we had someone special in our lives.  And for some of us, this wanting of the ‘perfect partner’ can sometimes get in the way of living our actual lives.

Sometimes it can get to the point where we can’t see what’s actually around us that makes our lives amazing to begin with.

And of course, the stigma of being ‘alone’ can be a difficult one to get past.  Instead of relishing the freedom of our lives, we wallow in self-pity that nobody will ever love us or that we’ll die alone.

Perhaps that self-pity is what is actually stopping us from enjoying life on a daily basis, and even preventing us from meeting that special person.  And perhaps that self-pity is what’s making our friends not want to be around us at times.

no boyfriend no problemSadly in our society, we view people who aren’t in relationships as somehow inferior or damaged in some way, when in fact it’s probably the opposite.  Those who are happy being single tend to have more fulfilling and rewarding lives than those who may be in an unhappy relationship.

Instead, we need to revel in our singledom and enjoy each day as it comes, so let’s flip our perceptions of what it’s like to be single.

Coming home to an empty flat/bed

Yes, as nice as it would be to have someone at home waiting for you, instead you need to view your home as your sanctuary.  Use it as a place to recharge and pamper yourself.  cater to your own needs and wants.

Cook yourself a nice meal instead of something quick in the microwave.  Put on some soothing music while you relax in a nice bubble bath.  Make yourself your favourite drink and curl up on the sofa to read your favourite book.  Enjoy your time home alone to the fullest.

Nobody to comfort you after a ‘bad day’

Let’s be honest, we all have bad days from time to time.  And although it be nice to have someone at home to rehash what went wrong, you just don’t have that luxury when you’re single.

Instead use the time to go over what happened and look for the positives in the situation, your strengths and what you can do to improve.  And plan ahead for the next time something similar happens.  Build up the skills you use to deal with these ‘bad days’ so the next time it won’t affect you deeply.

A schedule for one

Since when is this a bad thing?  It’s your schedule, which means only you get to decide what you’ll do and when.  You’re in control and there’s no need to plan your life around a partner’s schedule.  There’s no compromising your own freedom.  Plan your schedule around your own goals, dreams and desires.

single_and_happy-166847You’ve got to pay all the bills yourself

It would certainly be nice to have a second income around to help pay the bills and all the day to day expenses that pop up.  But that also means you’re held accountable to another person for any sudden expenditures you make.

Instead look at it as you’re in control of your wallet and only you get to decide what you spend your money on and when.  There’s nobody there to criticise your purchases or to take you to task when they’re balancing the cheque book (does anyone still do that? lol).  Enjoy the financial control and freedom this allows you.

You’ve got to do all the chores yourself

Life can get busy as we all have loads of things piling up on our daily ‘to-do’ lists.  And although it be great if someone could help you with these tasks, instead look at it as only you will know if you haven’t completed something on the list.  You get to decide when you do things

You feel awkward at social events or around couples

happy-single-quotes-7This is more about how sometimes partnered people will give you that look of pity when they find out you’re single, and how you have to answer the question ‘why are you single?’  It can become frustrating and annoying, but it’s not something that should prevent you from going out and socialising.

Instead it gives you an opportunity to recount tales of your singledom (depending on the company, be careful what intimate details you give hehe), and show them how amazing your life is.

Show them how you’re accomplishing life on your own, how much stronger it makes you, how independent you are.

There’s nobody checking up on you when you’re running late

How is this a bad thing?  This means you can come and go when you feel like it, without the feeling that ‘nobody cares’.  Just like having the freedom to make your own schedule, this means you can do what you want, when you want it.  You don’t owe your time to anyone but yourself.

There’s nobody to focus focus your love and adoration upon

Now that’s just bullshit.  There’s always one person who needs your love and adoration – YOU.  You are the one person in the world who will always be there for you, so show yourself some appreciation and love.

This obviously doesn’t take anything away from dear friends or family members, as they’re people you can show affection for as well.  And well you should.  But ultimately, you’ve got to shower yourself with love first before others, otherwise there won’t be anything left for yourself.

You have nobody to be spontaneous with

Now that’s just not true.  In fact, it’s the absolute opposite!!  By yourself, you’re always able to be spontaneous and do things off the cuff.  You’re in control of your life, so if you suddenly get the idea to hop on a train to the coast for the day, who’s to stop you?  Cater to your own impulsiveness.

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‘If Only I Were Single..’

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‘If only I were single, I would so date you!’

That’s a phrase I’ve heard way too many times to count over the years. Partnered guys who are (sometimes) very lovely and sexy, who’re playing around on their boyfriends (openly, presumably), who seem to think that little phrase will make me feel good about myself or that it’ll keep me interested to see if it ever comes to fruition.

Well it doesn’t.

If fact, the few times these partnered guys have become suddenly single down the line (why leave if you get a free pass to screw around?), not one of them called me up to ask me out on a date or whatever. Instead I usually only found out after they started dating someone new.

Why? Because by then I’d been ‘friend-zoned’. Meaning they ‘valued’ my friendship too much to risk losing it. That means, at least to me, that their feelings or attraction to me somehow changed over time to the point that they no longer saw me as dating material.

To say it sucks is a massive understatement.

I remember this one guy I was sleeping with fairly regularly a few years back who used to place ‘if I were single’ game after sex. He kept describing what-ifs scenarios, wanting me to respond.

All it did was piss me off, as it felt like he was playing mind-games. Like he was trying to emotionally ensnare me so that I’d get attached.. which would have meant my getting hurt when he stayed with his husband, as I’m sure he never had any plans of leaving him. Regardless of how love-less he said the relationship was.

And when the relationship did finally end? Not only did he not tell me, but I only found out via Facebook or some other social media app. And no, he never once asked me out (we’d stopped sleeping together by then) before jumping in a new relationship.

Of course then there’s this one guy from years ago who never once mentioned in the three or four months we were playing around that he had a boyfriend at home.. When talking to me, he’d always mention him as his ‘flatmate’.

I only found out when I was invited overnight to his house for Boxing Day dinner.. And I had to sleep in the ‘flatmate’s room’ which was clearly a storage/spare bedroom, while the ‘flatmate’ slept in his bed like he normally did every night.

When I confronted him about this years later (I’d stopped talking to him after that fiasco), all he did was brush it off. Like I was making a bigger deal about it than it was.

Anyway, whatever. Getting involved with a partnered guy is just asking for trouble. They all say the right things at the time, and maybe even mean it too. Or at least act like they do.

But in the end they’ll always do what’s best for them, not you.

I’ve obviously stopped myself (once again) from even considering playing with partnered guys after realising a few months back that I was falling into the same patterns I always do.

The problem is – when I reject the advances of those partnered guys, it doesn’t leave much behind. In fact, it leaves the gay dating/hookup apps scarily quiet with little to no activity at all.

What’s a single, lonely, horny guy to do??

And people wonder why I’m a wee bit bitter about gay men these days. 😉

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Tired of Singledom

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Being single isn’t as easy or as fun as it should be.

Everyone seems to think that when you’re single, your life is a steady stream of fabulousness and fun, fun fun.  That you’re always out and about, meeting new people all over the place.

Or at least some of the partnered people I’ve known over the years seem to think so.

I recall chatting to a partnered friend years ago who said I was lucky to be single, because I could do what I wanted, who I wanted, when I wanted.  He said he wished he could be single, but the moment he was he’d moan and whine about how he was lonely, which immediately got people to set him up with their single friends.Hairy Naked Man (7)

Something they never tried to do for me, even when I (kinda) joked that they should find me a boyfriend too.. It just went in one ear and out the other.

So here I am now, fully entrenched in my (early) 40’s, still looking for a boyfriend or partner to call my own.

Sure, I’ve casually dated a few guys here and there, but they only wanted a bit of regular fun and would run to hills once they thought I was getting attached (regardless of how they were feeling towards me) so I can’t exactly call them ‘relationships’ let alone boyfriends.

I wouldn’t mind it so much if I had some actual dates here and there, but that be like asking for a miracle these days.  The little bit of interest I do get lately are from guys thousands of miles away, usually looking for a chat buddy (read: pic share), or are coming to town for a few days and want to hook up.

And the few local guys who message me?  They’re all partnered and looking for a bit of fun on the side (dammit, is anyone monogamous anymore?).  And they don’t seem to understand when I ask if they’ve read my profile.. it clearly says ‘single guys only’, but I guess they think that doesn’t actually matter.

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What I find absolutely fascinating (and extremely sad) is how my partnered friends seem to have more fun (sex) and go out more than I do.  And I’m the single one.  I’m the one who should be getting the dates, not them, right?

Don’t get me wrong.. I’ve had some fun times with partnered guys over the years, but it’s not the same as getting to actually date someone where there’s a possibility of it going somewhere.  And I’m sure as hell not about to steal someone else’s boyfriend.

OpenRelationship-copyI know a lot of it is confidence and knowing what you want.  With all of these partnered guys out there playing, it’s just that – PLAY.  They (presumably) already have what their looking for waiting at home, so are only out to have a bit of fun, whereas someone like me is still searching.. And not finding anything.

*Sigh*  I’m starting to wonder if I’m the last single guy around (I know I’m not, I’m just being a bit of a drama queen lol).  It just seems all turned around and wrong somehow that the partnered guys, who’ve already found someone special, can go out and find a second or third someone ‘special’ (or special for that day) at the drop of a hat.

Part of the reason I’ve written so much lately about dating tips or being more sociable to meet new people is to motivate myself to get out there more.  And to not give up hope.fuckable bear

But it’s hard when you’re single and lonely.  If you go out to a bar hoping to meet someone, even just for a chat, most of them are there with friends or lovers. And a lot of time, it’s hard to look like you’re not on the prowl when you’re in a pub alone, cause that’s how the others there look at you.

And sure, going out for a couple drinks with a friend or two is brilliant and terrific.  It’s my usual thing to do.. Only whenever I’m out with a good friend, other guys automatically assume we’re there as a couple, so they don’t bother approaching either of us (mutual cock-blocking, such fun lol).  It happens all too often for my liking.

My problem is the type of guys I’m attracted to – fit, handsome, and damn sexy (like the guys in the pictures on my blog..).  There are some chasers/admirers out there who fit that description who like bears like me (I hate that stereotype..), but they seem too far and few between.  And the few I do meet, they are only after one thing – sex.wanting a bf

It’s frustrating to say the least.

Yeah I’m moaning.. I’m allowed to, right?

 

Happy ‘Make-Single-People-Feel-Bad-About-Themselves’ Day

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Yeah.. that doesn’t sound bitter at all, does it? 😉

Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, the one day of the year when you’re supposed to make a bit of extra effort with your sweetheart to show them how you feel.

Historically, according to Wikipedia:

The day was first associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. By the 15th century, it had evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines”)

kissing in rain2And here we all thought the day was created by Hallmark. 😉

So.. what about those of us who don’t have a sweetheart, who are completely and utterly (and feels like, eternally) single?

  1. Do you scramble to find a date of some sort, just so you don’t have to be alone on this fake ‘holiday’?
  2. Or do you spend it at home alone complaining to your friends how alone you are?
  3. Or do you spend the day with friends forgetting the actual existence of the ‘holiday’ and just enjoying their company?

Ok, I’ll admit it.. I generally spend more time doing No 2 than No 3, which ideally I would love to be doing.  If it wasn’t for the fact that my few close friends all have partners/boyfriends/husbands/etc, and those that don’t seem to live too far away to hang out with for an evening (I’m talking other countries, not just out of town).

The closest I’ve ever had anything remotely ‘romantic’ occur on the fabled February 14th is a few years back when the guy I was casually seeing broke things off on Valentine’s Day cause he thought I was getting too attached.

Oh…  I did get a text today from my fuck-buddy this morning wishing me a ‘Happy Valentines Day’… to which I responded his husband is his Valentine, not me.  He tried to say the day was celebrating love in general, including friendships (which is a lovely sentiment..), but I shut him down anyway quoting the above Wikipedia fact.

Yeah I know, he was just trying to be sweet, and I do appreciate it.  It’s just with him, I’m afraid he’s gotten too attached Single on VDay(Click HERE for post about that situation) and I don’t want to encourage him any further.

To be honest, I’ve never had a date on this day.. not even a shag (I think..).  To me, it’s another way for those smug partnered people to look down at those of us who are unable to find someone to spend their lives with.  As if we’re somehow defective.

I think the funniest blog I’ve seen about today so far has to be on The Oatmeal (Click HERE to read the post).  The cartoons are quite cute and made me chuckle, but in the end it was the ‘advice’ given to us singletons that I enjoyed.  It said:

If Valentine’s Days means so little to you, then I politely ask you to shut the hell up and treat it like another day. 

OR go have a sexy adventure rumpous with someone who smells nice.

VDay blah blahYep.. either shut the fuck up and stop whining about your love life, or at least go get laid so you’ll be too busy to complain.

Hmm… think maybe it’s time to take a bit of that advice for myself.

Let’s just hope it’s the second part of the message that occurs.  😉

My Love Life

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I suppose my love life is not something I generally talk to just anyone about.  I’m a fairly private person at times, but sometimes you just need to talk to somebody about stuff, even if it’s somewhat anonymously.

Over the past year, I can honestly say I’ve met a lot of interesting guys.  Some have become friends, some occasional lovers, and others still that were just shags, for lack of a better term.

Without going into massive details, or naming all the names (that I can remember… oops!), I’d say there were 3 specific people who truly affected my life through whatever sort of relationship we had this year: Shuaib, ‘S’, and most recently,’J’.

As already written about here, Shuaib was someone I only got to spend a short period of time with, but has affected my life in a way I never thought possible.  To this day, literally almost exactly a year after meeting, we have kept in contact, having very frank conversations about our lives including our love lives.

If it wasn’t for the fact that he now lives in Dubai, and I’m here in London, we might have had a relationship of some sort, possibly even still be together today.  We talk all the time about meeting up again, either him coming back to London for a visit, me going to see him in Dubai, or meeting somewhere in between for a holiday of some sort.  We both care for the other very much, and it could potentially be the big ‘L’, but thanks to our circumstances, it’s not possible to find out.  Who knows what will come of this..

As for ‘S’, he was someone much younger than me that I dated for a bit, but ended things when he wanted it to be more serious and I didn’t.  He was there for me during a bad time last year when I almost lost my old job because of something I’d written on here, and I came to rely on him for emotional support.

Inadvertently, I actually hurt him emotionally, something I was never trying to do or have ever done before in the past (that I’m aware of).  ‘S’ is a sweet, naive young guy who unfortunately was never planning on ever coming out of the closet (he’s Muslim), and as most of my close friends know, I’m not one to hide who I am.  The last thing I wanted to do was to have a secret relationship..

And now we come to ‘J’, someone I’ve been kinda seeing since August 2009 but lives near Cambridge.  ‘J’ is a lovely, sexy older man (just turned 53 in December) I met online back in August and we hit it off right away, with things getting sexual very fast.  Unfortunately, I should have seen things were going to be doomed with him from the start, thanks to all the baggage he was bringing into it all, from the 4 kids (and 2 grandkids), to a messy 2nd divorce from hubby number 1, and to all sorts of age-gap issues, among other things.

We’ve had a lot of fun together, travelling together to Brighton and to Spain (where he talked about how he wanted me to move to Spain with him in a couple years when he retires…), but in the end he still only thinks of me as a friend.  It has also been very difficult because of him not living in London, so we don’t get to see each other on a regular basis.

My eyes were opened wide when staying overnight at his house on Boxing Day, and he had me sleep in his flatmate’s bed while the flatmate slept in his… which is where he apparently normally sleeps every night.  And the next day, instead of the two of us spending some time together, possibly him showing me around the area, we ended up going to the movies with the flatmate.  I felt like I was hanging out with a couple..

For whatever reason, I’ve allowed myself to get very attached to ‘J’, so whenever he disappoints me or mentions about how we’re just ‘friends’, I find myself getting hurt time and time again.  Obviously this isn’t healthy for me emotionally, and is something I’m in the process of ending as we speak.  I deserve to be more than just somebody’s booty call.

I suppose, when you think of it all, I’ve had very different relationships with each of these guys, none of which are completely satisfying for me.  I need to find someone who is willing to be emotionally available to me, and is geographically viable as well.

Don’t think me desperate to find a boyfriend or anything, because I’m not.  I’ve been enjoying my singledom, especially since moving to London, but I guess at some point you just want to settle down, potentially make a life with someone special.

It won’t happen overnight and all, but would be nice if it happened sometime soon.  I’m not getting any younger.. LOL

~M