Embracing Your Solitude

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It’s an age old scenario – you’re sitting alone in a restaurant, enjoying a quiet meal for one.  Perhaps you’re reading a book, or checking something on your mobile.  Perhaps this meal is a treat for yourself, and you’re having a lovely time.

But then you notice a glance from someone at a neighbouring table.  Without knowing your situation, they’re looking at you with pity. As if eating a meal solo means you must be lonely, anti-social, or socially unwanted.  That there is something inherently wrong with being alone in a public setting.

And they’re wrong, because it’s actually empowering to do things like having a dinner out alone, and that uninformed person is allowing their own insecurities colour their opinions.  They can’t even fathom actually spending time alone.

In fact, they’re probably afraid of being alone and are missing out on the best company they could ever find – themselves.

Spending time along doesn’t mean you’re being anti-social or ‘disappearing’ from action.  It just means you’re focusing on yourself.

And those who do enjoy their free time, they understand how a bit of solitude can be beneficial to them.

Recharging your batteries

It can be mentally exhausting to constantly having to be ‘on’ in social settings.  Keeping up engaging conversations, making people laugh, showing empathy when someone’s feeling emotional, generally trying to make those around you happy, and so forth…

It’s absolutely draining to say the least.

But by taking some time away from the social scene, you’re allowing yourself time to recharge.  To turn your brain off.  To focus your energies on your own happiness.

Reflecting isn’t just in the mirror

When you’re constantly on the go, you really don’t get much time to reflect on your life or think on where you want your life to go.  Instead, you’re constantly surrounded by others that take up your time and energy, leaving very little (if anything) for yourself.

By taking some time out for yourself, it allows you time to improve your own self-confidence, work through issues in the past, and start planning for your future.

It’s a golden opportunity that really shouldn’t be missed because it’s your life, and you’re the only one that can propel it forward in the future.

Getting in touch with yourself

Along with being mentally draining, being in constant social settings can also be draining emotionally.  Because if you’re constantly catering to other people’s emotions or being their ‘cheerleader’, that leaves no opportunities to keep in touch with your own emotions.

Time alone can allow you time to gain a better perspective about your own happiness, while learning about what upsets or saddens you.  No emotion is a bad emotion because the more you know how negative emotions can affect you, the better prepared you’ll be in the future to handle them.

And a true strength of character comes from being able to overcome the hard times in your life.

Doing things for yourself

Who hasn’t been out with a friend or a group of people and had to give into someone else’s desire while setting aside your own desires or needs?  Whether you realise it or not, we all compromise to an extent when looking for a common solution.

But when you’re enjoying your alone time, it’s all about what you want to do because you have the freedom to decide for yourself.  It’s not necessarily about being selfish, but if you’re continually giving in to someone else’s needs, yours will never be fulfilled.  It’s all about the freedom to do what you want to do.

This also means focusing on your own happiness, although it doesn’t mean you’ll completely ignore other people’s needs as well.  You should know what makes you happy, because ultimately you shouldn’t be relying on someone else to ‘make’ you happy.

Be more productive

We all have things we need to get done in our personal lives – laundry, groceries, house cleaning, and so forth.  And while there are some things that would be fun to do with another person, sometimes you just can’t be truly productive when you’re constantly in someone else’s company.

Their presence will become distracting and your ‘to-do’ list will just keep growing and growing.

When you’re alone and getting things done, you’ll find you’re more focused and able to get some work done.  And the only one that’ll be able to distract you is you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder..

How are you going to miss someone’s company if they’re constantly by your side?  And do you really want to spend so much time together that you run the risk of getting on each other’s nerves or possibly even getting sick of each other?

A routine is one thing, but being together 24/7 means you literally get no space for yourself or to take care of your own needs as per the above.  But when you’re spending some time apart – even if it’s just an hour a week – that time together becomes more important and you’ll appreciate it more.

Independence Day

The independence that comes from doing certain activities alone – like going on holiday by yourself – can be absolutely electrifying.  And not only will it help reduce any anxiety about being alone, but it’ll also boost your confidence.

And feeling independent can be truly empowering.

Stop apologising

Spending time alone means you don’t have to apologise to anyone for what you’ve done or about to do.  You can allow yourself the freedom to stop second-guessing your actions or worrying if you’re upsetting someone else by doing what you want when you want it.

Trust your own instincts

All too often we’ll stop ourselves from making a decision or taking a particular action because we haven’t run it by a friend or loved one first.  We’ll look to them for validation that we’re taking the right course of action, or perhaps for some advise on what to do next.

And sometimes that is the right thing to do.

But honestly there are plenty of times where we’re completely capable of making a decision without someone else’s input, or need someone else to validate our choices.  And when you’re spending more time alone, you’ll trust yourself more, and be more confident in making decisions without someone else’s two-cents.

This post was inspired by — When You Start to Enjoy Being Alone, These 10 Things Will Happen.

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Midsummer’s Night Disappointment

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Sometimes life can get way too busy and before you know it, weeks and months have passed since you last chatted to this friend or that one.  Is it just a matter that you’ve gotten too embroiled in your day-to-day lives that you ‘forget’ to keep in contact with certain people?

I try my best to keep in contact with people, but it isn’t always easy.  I find it hard because no matter how much you try to keep in contact with some people or arrange to do things together, they’re just always too busy to meet up.  And in some cases, too busy to even return a simple text message.

From my perspective, it seems these people all have their close-knit group of friends and regularly do things together, despite some people’s insistence that they never ‘plan’ anything.  Or at least that’s the response I get when I ask I wasn’t invited along.

Yeah, right.

I admit, I’m horrible at making plans weeks or months in advance, unless it’s something big.  Generally I get to Friday afternoon and realise once again I don’t have anything planned for the weekend, so I send off a bunch of messages to see what people are up to only to get a load of ‘I’ve got plans’ replies.

I was told a few months back by one of these ‘too busy’ friends that perhaps people don’t include me because I don’t make the effort to invite them to things, to plan something for a bunch of people to do together.  Or perhaps they’ve just assumed I either wouldn’t be interested in what they’re doing or that I have my own group of friends to hang out with.

Ummm… what utter bullshit, huh?

Shakespeare son & lumiereSo I tried an experiment that ended with my own disappointment – I created a Facebook event over a month ago and invited a bunch of people to it.  It was to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare’s death, with a light and sound show at Guildhall Yard (event details HERE).

I thought it be fun and interesting, and something different to do on a Saturday evening (aka tonight).

Mostly people put themselves down as a maybe, with a few saying outright they couldn’t go and one friend saying they would join me.  Even if just that one friend came, it would make it worth it really.  And perhaps a step forward for me I think.

But fast forward to this past Thursday when I posted in the event suggesting where and when we could all meet, and asking everyone to confirm if they were coming or not.

And this is where the disappointment set in – not a single person could make it for whatever reason.  Some explained, but most didn’t at all.  And that one friend who said he’d come?  He pulled out as well, saying he was too busy this weekend (he’s taking a masters while working full time so spends his spare time studying).

Which left me with nobody to go to this thing with.  I even messaged a couple of non-Facebook friends to see if they were interested, but nothing.  So come last night I up and cancelled the Facebook event and now am not even going myself.  It wasn’t exactly the type of thing you go to alone.

man in bedSo what is a guy to do when all he wants to do is spent time with his friends and those friends are too busy to hang out?  I’ve barely been out of the house the past month and a half, and as much as I love quiet time at home, it’s really getting to me.

A person can only spend so much time by themselves before they start going stir-crazy.. or (over)thinking that perhaps he’s wasting his time on trying to get those ‘friends’ to spend time with him.

Life can be hard when you’ve tons of friendship to give and there’s nobody to give it to.

 

Where’d You Go?

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I think it’s fairly obvious to say that some friends will come and go out of your life, and then there’ll be others that will be there for the long haul.  Not to mention the ones that you can go months and months without talking to, but when you reconnect it’s like no time has passed.

It’s a natural thing in life for certain people to slide in and out of your life, and that’s fine.  But what about those you thought were in it for the long haul who suddenly disappear?  It can be devastating and confusing as you wonder why they’re no longer a part of your life.

Well.. I’ve been feeling that myself for quite awhile now about someone I’d relied upon over the years to regularly being there to talk to when I needed someone … and vice versa, of course.

And you know what?  It hurts that they’re not there anymore to talk to, especially if you’re in need of a shoulder to cry on or someone to cheer you on when something really good is happening.

sad-man-2But at the same time it makes me wonder if perhaps I was expecting too much from our friendship?  I would always make myself available to listen if they needed someone to talk to, and they’d do the same for me as needed.  That’s part of friendship.

As well it’s about just being there, being present.  Bored on a Friday night?  Call the bestie and hit the pub, right?  Or if they don’t live in the same city, hop on Skype and chat the evening away.  It’s not always about being there for the good and bad times, but just being around.

Of course things do change when one of you starts dating someone new (gay or straight, it’s all the same really).  Obviously now more of their free time will be spent with their new sweetie, and that’s okay.  It’s expected and it would be weird if that didn’t happen.

But what chafes me is how sometimes when they’ve found that new boy/girlfriend, they just drop off the face of the earth.  Text messages go unanswered.  Facebook comments go unliked or not responded to.  Requests for advice are left hanging in the wind.  And it basically feels like you’re not part of their life anymore.

And you know what?  That’s shit.  It’s a horrible way to treat someone who was there through all the good and bad times, and perhaps was even there at the beginning encouraging them to ask out the cutie who’d caught their attention.  Who was there helping debate all the pro’s and con’s of starting anything new with their new love, and whether it was worth it to even try.

(It always is, by the way.  I’d never stand in the way of love.)

And as someone who’s been left behind many a time, it fucking hurts.  It hurts that you’re not there to talk to anymore.  It hurts that the first person I used to text when something interesting would happen probably wouldn’t even respond now.

It hurts that you brought your new squeeze to town for a couple of days and didn’t even suggest meeting up so I could meet them.  It hurts that maybe you wouldn’t want me to meet your new sweetie, as if I was some dirty secret.

It hurts so much that it feels like you’ve forgotten all about me.  Because I’ve never forgotten about you.

But at least I know for awhile I had you in my life, and I’ll be forever grateful for that.  We had some amazing times over the years, and that’s never something I’d ever regret, regardless of where I am in my life.

Sigh … *rant over*

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Alone in a Crowd

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Sometimes I think I’m my own worse enemy when it comes to my social life.  I regularly complain that side of life is lacking, but rarely do I seem to do anything to change it.

In fact, I generally spend most weekends at home alone watching Netflix, when I’d really like to be out with people I like and maybe actually enjoying myself.

But when the rare opportunity does present itself, it’s almost like I sabotage myself.

Last Friday evening I was invited to 2 separate birthday parties – one for my Italian mate M, and the other for the partner of a guy I used to play with years ago.  Luckily they weren’t being held at the same time, so I was able to make both parties.

First up was my mate’s party at his Central London flat, where it was pretty chill with just a few people, a couple drinks, and some home-made chilli.  It was a nice low key celebration and it was great to just hang out and chat.

Once they were ready to leave (him and his partner were going to their place in Essex for the weekend), I headed down to Vauxhall to the other celebration at RVT, where it was the Hot Fuzz club night.  I’d been a couple times before ages ago, but hadn’t expected it to be so busy…

Unfortunately the group celebrating the second birthday didn’t show up at the club until almost 1am, by which time I’d been there close to 2 hours by myself, not really knowing anyone well enough to hangout with.

nightclubBecause it so damn busy there and there barely any room to move, all I got from the couple mates there within that group was a wave or smile across the crowd, and then I didn’t really see them again as they disappeared into the crowd with their friends.

I don’t know why, but because these mates didn’t physically say hi to me, it kinda upset me.  And because I didn’t know the other guys there that well, I found myself feeling more and more alone while standing in the middle of a packed nightclub.

Maybe I was expecting too much..

Or maybe I should have made more of an effort to find them in the crowd.  Find them instead of waiting for them to find me, and maybe join their group to enjoy the night.

But I didn’t.

Instead I got more and more frustrated that nobody was making an effort to interact with me (not that I could hear a thing in the club…), and I’d worked myself into such a state that I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t have a good time.

So I left without saying goodbye to anyone.. not that it seemed anyone noticed I left.

The next day I message my mates about it, and it was interesting the different reactions from them – one was super apologetic and felt really bad about it all; the other seemed to try and blame me for not making more of an effort to find him.

But it’s made me wonder if I truly fit into that group of people.  They’re friendly to me when they see me, but it’s not like I’m generally invited out with them (the birthday invitation was a surprise really).

And on the very rare occasion when I am included, it’s usually by the same one or two people.

People Make TimeI do think it’s funny though, considering this situation.. the one who was super apologetic is always telling me I need to get out more, to be more social.

But when I actually make the effort, he’s off with his friends, seemingly ignoring me (which he ‘says’ he didn’t mean to do).

I do find it hard to ‘fit in’ with these people as they’re all so super social, something I’m not.  I had hoped by hanging out with them that it would bring me out of my shell more, but instead it’s caused me to retreat into it more a bit.

Or maybe I just need to put my own needs and ego aside, and just go with the flow.  Guess we’ll see what happened the next time I get invited to something.

If I get invited that is..

Laziness or Hibernation

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Yeah that’s right, I’ve been a right lazy ass over the past several weeks.  And I don’t just mean because of the lack of posts on here since the New Year, though that is part of it.

More than usual, all I seem to want to do lately in my spare time is relax on my sofa with Netflix playing on the laptop, while I play around on my iPad or read on the Kindle.

I get up.  I go to work.  I come home, and *plop* – my butt is firmly implanted on my little sofa in my bedroom, and I don’t generally move until it’s time to go to bed.

Other than dinner at a friend’s place a couple times and my monthly bowling night, the last time I really went out was on New Year’s Eve.  Hell, even when I hung out with a local mate this past Friday night, it was drinking wine on my sofa watching cheesy movies.

I’ve stopped what little social life I’d had before the holidays, and you know the funny thing?  I’m not really missing it.

'Hello, reception, can I have a wake-up call in spring please?'And no, I’m surprisingly not feeling depressed or upset with the world around me.  Instead it’s more of a hibernation.. I’m just doing my best to stay warm in my icebox of a bedroom (usually curled close to the weak electric heater).

Perhaps I’m just bored of the London scene, and how there’s never really anything new to do or anyone new to meet.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy going out and it would be nice to be able to.  I’ve been invited out a couple times by a dear friend, but I’ve had to turn him down due to being broke as hell (January has been a very tight month financially..).

It could partly be the finance side of things is what has been making me stay at home all the time, but I think it’s more than just that.

Before the holidays whenever I’d spend an entire weekend on my own, usually feeling sorry for myself, I’d feel frustrated that I was wasting entire weekends sitting at home.  That I could possibly be missing out on something by staying home all the time.  That I’d never meet someone interesting by watching Netflix all weekend.

But what I’m finding interested these days when those feelings start to crop up, I just seem to dismiss them as unimportant.  And then I continue to enjoy my time alone and watch another episode of whatever TV show I’m marathon watching (currently a mix of Merlin and the original Life on Mars).

Is there a downside to all this time alone?  Of course there is, and surprisingly it’s not loneliness or feeling horny.  😉

I can’t stop freakin’ eating!! Hahahahahaha I’m snacking more now than I ever used to be, and have probably put on a few pounds, despite my efforts to eat lots of salads and such throughout the week.

Anyway, I know I’ve always been somewhat of a homebody, barely leaving the house unless I had somewhere specific I had to go.

River view towards Canary WharfBut there are times when I can’t help but think that maybe I should do something on my days off.  Like maybe go for a walk along the river, or go check out the (gay) pubs and such in nearby Greenwich.  Or maybe take my laptop to a coffee shop to a different area just for a change of pace (the local Starbucks is a 5 minute walk from my place lol).

Perhaps I’ve partly been such a shut in lately because of where I’m now living, as it takes a lot longer to get anywhere than before and it costs more (due to being further out from central).  But that’s probably more of an excuse than an actual reason.

I’m hibernating, plain and simple.  It be nice for someone to join me (like my mate did this past Friday night), but I’m not going to get my knickers in a twist because nobody will join me. Lol

Instead I’m going to continue to enjoy the quiet while it lasts, and do my best to keep this calm relaxed mentality I’ve seemed to have adopted since the holidays.

And look forward to a possible trip to Manchester end of next month with my bestie P from Scotland.  Finances willing, obviously. 🙂

A Not So Joyous Season

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I’m doing my best to try to maintain a more positive, up beat attitude as a way to fight the normal negative thoughts that pop into my head uninvited.

And I think I was doing alright with that… Until this potentially soul-crushing festive period crept up on me – Christmas.

I think it really started to hit me end of last, or perhaps on the weekend, that once again I’ve got nothing planned for the ‘special’ day. I’d hoped to spend it with one of two friends (or both), but they’ve both decided to just have a quiet day at home alone.

Not that it matters anyway, as I wouldn’t have been able to have either/both of them over to mine as my landlord is having people over. So that would mean no opportunity to use the kitchen or space to hang out other than in my bedroom.

My landlord has said I’m welcome to join him and his friends tomorrow, but I’m not sure how much I’d enjoy spending Christmas with strangers.

And speaking of practical strangers, I did get a sort-of invite from a guy I’ve been chatting to for a couple weeks who lives nearby to join him and his flatmate for Christmas. But again, it be spending it with someone I barely know so dunno how well we’d get along.

Besides, who wants the first time meeting someone new you’ve been flirting with online to be on Christmas Day??

I would just hole myself up in my bedroom for the day, but that would just be shit as I’d be able to hear them in the lounge. Plus I won’t have time to pick up any food for myself (simple stuff since I probably wouldn’t get much of a chance to cook) as most shops are closing early in my area and I don’t know if I’d make it before they closed.

*Sigh* I don’t know. I kind of wished I’d planned something, like arranged a cheap trip out of town or something. Not that I could really afford that..

I do wish I could have afforded to fly home for the holidays this year. It’s been 3 years since the last time I went home, so it be great to see them. Especially after my mother recent went through heart surgery a little while back.

But it’s too expensive and I wouldn’t have been able to get the time off work, so no point wishing for something that couldn’t have happened anyway.

I don’t know. I’m just feeling a bit meh about the holidays, especially tonight. I’d agreed to meet with a mate after work for a bite and maybe a drink. Only to find out on my way to his work (my work let out early, shockingly) that he’d been asked to stay at work until 8:30pm.

So instead of waiting around an hour or so, it be well over 3 hours waiting. I’m not sure I want to do that or just go home. (I’m not blaming him, it just sucks cause I had no other plans..)

Or maybe I should just head to some pub and get pissed by myself. Not exactly a fun idea either… Getting pissed, yes. By myself, not so much.

I just feel like I’m at a loose end for the holidays with nowhere to turn and nobody to spend it with. Again.

Here’s hoping all your Christmases turn out better than mine is looking at the moment. xx

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Finding A Life

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findingyourself2I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to find my place in the world, be it career-wise or personally.  I’m not sure why, but all through my childhood and into adulthood I’ve never truly felt I fit in anywhere.  Work, school, socially.. hell, even sometimes with my own family (who I love to bits!).

I think for me I’ve always felt like I was on the outside looking in socially.  And the decisions I’ve made in my life were all about trying to find out where I fit in.  I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve felt like I’d found where I needed to be, only for things to change down the line and start feeling like an outsider once again.

Over the years I’ve had different groups of friends where, for awhile at least, it seemed like we were all hanging out together all the time.  Then as always happens in any social circle, people started moving away, started to make other friends, or started dating someone new… and I slowly started to see my social circle dwindle.

But that’s part of life right?  People move on (or move away) and situations change, meaning you might catch up with each other every few weeks/months instead of seeing/chatting to each other every couple days.

I think for me the hardest part has always been that (unrealistic) feeling of abandonment when people move on.. like they’ve made a conscious decision to stop making you a part of their inner circle of friends.

I know it’s silly to think that, but it’s how I’ve felt at times when I’ve seen people who used to regularly call me to hangout posting on Facebook about how much fun they’re having with their current friends.

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I’ve never been that good at making new friends if I have to be honest, so perhaps that’s why it hurts more when it feels like I’m being (unintentionally) excluded from stuff.  I know deep down it’s not being done with any malicious intent (oh gawd, at least I hope it’s not!) but more that they don’t think to invite me to things for whatever reason.

Of course it works both ways – why should I always be waiting for them to call me, when I should be calling them?  And that’s completely valid.  I totally agree with that.  But what if you get to the point when you scroll through your contact list (mobile, Facebook, Whatsapp, etc) you can’t seem to find anyone you want to reach out to?

Now before anyone gets worried that I’m dropping back into some depression or something, let me just say I’m not at all.  I was just thinking the other day how this has happened many times over my life, and it’s become almost cyclical.  And about how I have tons of free time on my hands and nothing to fill it with.

A mate and I were talking about this the other day … ok we were really talking about how crap our love lives were and how we weren’t getting any proper dates lately.  LOL

But the point we both got to is we need to do something that gets us out of the house and forces us to be more social.  We’ve discussed the possibilities of joining a yoga class, or going to ‘speed-dating’, or even going to a ‘gay geeks’ meetup (his idea, not mine lol).

Pretoria-Professional-Sport-Massage-Bodywork-for-men-male-Massage_38492_imageI used to go to an occasional hobby (natualist) massage class up in North London, where we got taught techniques to give sensual massage.  It was kind of social, but I never met anyone through the class that wanted to meet up outside of it.. so I stopped going after awhile, despite still enjoying the class.

I’ve been looking into maybe joining a writing group of some sort, where either you share your stories and ideas to get feedback, or one where it’s just a weekly get together to write on your own while sitting with the other writers (motivational and all that).  I’d be interested in maybe taking a writing workshop of some sort, maybe something on how to write better dialogue or fictional pieces.

In the end it’s just a matter of finding something that works for me (and I can afford of course) that gets me out of the house and makes me interact with others with a shared interest.

It would sure beat sitting at home in front of the telly.  😀

Loneliness or Boredom

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There can sometimes be a fine line between the two, but for some people one can be interchangeable with the other.  And for some people one can lead to the other.boredom

Or at least maybe that’s just the way it is with me.  When I get bored of sitting at home and generally of my own company, that boredom can sometimes lead itself to an annoying loneliness that makes me feel like I’m utterly alone in the world.  And I get to the point where I’m almost desperate for company of any sort.

Yeah I know, not exactly a realistic response to being bored but it’s what happens sometimes.

Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental or emotional factors. (Source: Wikipedia)

Don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time.  Time where it’s all about me and what I want to do, even if it’s just lounging on the sofa playing on my iPad.

people-lonelyBut from time to time, like on a recent weekend, I felt completely abandoned and helpless to change my loneliness.  When this happens I tend to sit around watching the feeds on Facebook or Twitter (and sometimes the new posts on here), and become jealous and down as I watch others out there living life while I’m sitting at home with nothing to do.

I never seem to plan anything in advance these days, despite how (in London) everyone seems to be super busy and you usually need to book things several weeks ahead of time.  And even then there’s no guarantee it’ll even happen.  Most people are always on the look out for things to fill their calendars ahead of time, where I’m usually doing things on the fly.  Which would explain why I spend many a weekend sitting at home by myself.

On this particular weekend, I was looking forward to a nice quiet weekend of relaxation and a bit of writing.  Or at least a nice quiet Friday night with possibly doing something on the Saturday or Sunday with a mate.  Or maybe finding some cutie to spend some time with.  😉

So, the Friday night was nice enough and all.  I’d treated myself to a pizza, did a bit of writing, and watched whatever crap was on TV.  I had messaged a few people I knew (and a couple I didn’t on the ‘dating’ apps), but didn’t really get any responses, which is what I think precipitated my boredom to morph into the loneliness I felt for the rest of the weekend.

And as the weekend went on, and the various messages continued to go unanswered, the worse my loneliness got.

The thing I find interesting (and slightly alarming to myself) is that when I get like this, you’d think the logical course of action would be to get out of the house and just go do something.  Go somewhere where there are lots of people, or go do something special for myself to relieve the boredom of sitting at home alone.Lonlieness3

But instead I become almost agoraphobic in that I won’t leave the house unless I absolutely have to (like for groceries or cigarettes), and get almost resentful that nobody is around or is willing to come visit me while I’m feeling down.

I’ve actually had a few people tell me that because I now live so far away from Central London, it’s ‘too far’ to come visit me at home which I think is kind of bullshit.. If someone’s a friend or mate, then where they live shouldn’t matter.  And when they’re in need of company or just someone to talk to, distance should never be a factor.

I sometimes think that I subconsciously sabotage myself, particularly when I do get the rare invite to go out but somehow end up coming down with a migraine or a stomach ache.  I’m not sure if it’s entirely psychosomatic or if I’m just overanalysing what ‘may’ happen when I go out, but it can be debilitating which leaves me still sitting at home. Maybe I should force myself to go out during those times..

Of course I do know deep down that I’m the only one that can get me out of these funks when they happen, and I can’t be dependent on others to ‘entertain’ me or keep me happy.  And I’m painfully aware that these episodes could be tied to the depression I went through last year (Click HERE for previous post) and are things I still need to work through.

I know I do have a (small) handful of friends who are willing to be there for me, both literally and virtually, but just how much can I rely on them for my own happiness?  I can’t really, and it’s perhaps the neediness I start showing when I’m feeling lonely that can drive people away or prevent them from inviting me along when they go out.

And yes I know there’s nothing stopping me from going out on my own, but let’s be honest.  How fun is standing in a pub by yourself on a Friday or Saturday night with nobody to talk to?

Well, at least I’d still have my mobile to keep me company.  😉

loneliness-alone2

Looking for a Better New Year

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Although this past year has been quite difficult, I was totally looking forward to the recent holiday season to celebrate how far I’ve come in the past year and look towards the new year with a more optimistic point of view.  Christmas-AloneI’d booked the week between Christmas and New Year’s off, so was hoping to enjoy the time off and perhaps have a bit of fun.

Well, that didn’t happen.  😦

As some are aware, I ended up spending Christmas Day alone (Click HERE for previous post).  This wasn’t much of a surprise as a more conscious decision after not really getting much in the way of invites or interest from people to spend the day together.

What I didn’t expect was to come down with the flu on Boxing Day, and for it to completely knock me out for the entire week I was off work.  I spent several days just curled up on the sofa or in bed wheezing and sneezing while feeling like I’d been hit by a truck.  I had zero energy to do anything.

As crap as that was, I was doing all I could to try and make myself feel better before New Year’s Eve so I could go out and dance my ass off.  I felt a need to make up for being sick all week and missing out on opportunities to have fun.

miserable-manInstead, I spent the night sitting at home alone, eating takeaway Chinese food, watching cheesy movies on tv, and doing my best to finish off that bottle of Jack Daniels I’d cracked open on Christmas Day.

Don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone.

The initial plan was for my mate ‘P’ and I to go down to Brighton for NYE, but we scrapped that plan once we found out how expensive the hotel would be and decided to spend it in London instead.  Only problem was ‘P’ didn’t find out until the day before New Year’s that he wouldn’t be able to come down from Scotland for it, as he had to work during the day of the 31st.

At the same time, both my Italian mate (and his partner) and my mate ‘C’ expressed interest in doing something for the big night.  In the end, it was only ‘C’ who could hang out as the others were having dinner with another couple in Essex.  ‘C’ and I chatted throughout the evening right up until just after 10pm when he was headed out to a club in Vauxhall.

I’m sure I could have forced myself to go out and join ‘C’ at that club, but with the way I was feeling last night I knew it wouldn’t have been a good idea.  I would have spent most of the night feeling like crap and trying to push myself to have ‘fun’, when in fact I wouldn’t have been having fun at all.

Instead I spent the evening at home, bored out of my mind and wishing I had some company.  man fluIt was probably best that I had stayed in, as I kept alternating between being feverish and cold & clammy, with a migraine and an achy body.

*Sigh*

2013 was probably one of the worst and most depressing (literally) years of my life, and has truly affected my ability to enjoy life, not to mention my confidence in myself. Some part of me still feels cheated, like I’ve had the life I had before stolen from me, but again that’s me being pessimistic and perhaps trying to live in the past.

And of course this past holiday season didn’t help this in any way.

I’m doing my best to try and look forward to 2014 with an open and positive outlook on life, and to look towards all the potentially amazing things that may happen this year.  It won’t be an easy thing for me despite what other people may think, but I guess we’ll just have to see how things go.

Wishing you all the best for the New Year.

Mxx

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