Friends Aren’t Always Forever

Standard

Part of reason I wrote my recent post ‘Friendship Can Be Fleeting‘ was because I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the friendships that have dropped by the wayside over the past year or so.  And some of these friendships were ones that I had expected to last the test of time.

Growing up I didn’t have a lot of truly close friends.  Or at least nobody I could really call my ‘best friend’.  It was usually more about groups of friends all hanging out together, with some hanging out together more than others but I wasn’t always included in that.

But since moving to London, I’d met two different guys that I thought would be there until the end.  We’d talk almost daily about all sorts of shit, even if it was just to bitch about something stupid at work.  And it’s been the relatively recent loss of each of them that has been playing on my mind a bit.

Obviously when I say ‘loss’, I don’t mean that I misplaced them or they’ve passed away or something disastrous happened between us (at least not from my perspective).  They’re just not around any more.  The calls, texts, and messages have withered up and dried up.

And in one case, their profile has suddenly disappeared from my Facebook.

Man And Woman Help Silhouette In MountainsThe first guy is the one that hurts the most, as we’d been friends for over 8 years.  We’d always promised we’d be there for each other no matter what, even if one of us started a new relationship.

We’d been super close for many years and used to go away on weekends together (he lives in Scotland).  We even used to spend out birthdays together each year (2 days apart).

The last time we saw each other was on our birthday weekend in Brighton almost 2 years ago, and he’d been a bit out of it.  He finally told me a few months later that he’d been distracted as there was someone at his work he really fancied… and it was a woman.

I’d only known him as gay, so was a bit shocked initially but it didn’t change anything.  I didn’t care that he was suddenly interested in a woman instead of guys. I was just as encouraging regarding his feelings towards this woman as I would have been if it was a man.

Love is love, after all.

And all through the initial dating bits, I was still there as normal.  I listened to his insecurities and gave advise where I could, and so forth.  And I waited for details on how their first date went.  As normal.

But once they actually started dating, the messages from him slowly started to petter out until the point where a general message went unanswered by him for months. At one point when things were a bit rocky between them, suddenly he was there again to chat.. but then it was back to silence once they got back together.

20130206112854socially-awkwardOh, and they’ve come to London together twice since they got together, and I only found out after the fact or once I’d seen it on Facebook.  There was no suggestion of me meeting his lady friend.

One of the last actual conversations we had, he was trying to get me to become Facebook friends with one of his mates up in Scotland (that I’d met once years ago).  Because his mate needed other ‘gay friends’.

Riiight…

He’d recently promised to be in touch on a certain day to chat.. but that was over a week ago and I’ve not heard anything.  It’s almost seemed like he’s tried to distance himself from all his old gay friends…

As for the other guy, well… I kinda saw it coming to an extent, as he’d done it before.

We’d first met over 5 years ago when I lived in Vauxhall, and initially we were casually seeing each other for a bit before he cooled things off because ‘he didn’t want a boyfriend’, and then ended up with a boyfriend within a couple months.

A year or two later we had a bit of a blow up after a night out at a club where he ditched me to head home with his ‘neighbour’ (he was single again at this point).  I wrote about it in a fit of anger at the time (click HERE to read), which he subsequently read and blasted me for.

That was the first time he’d ‘dumped’ my friendship.

Then a couple years ago he’d messaged me out of the blue, and after awhile we ended up being just friends again.  In fact, during a quite low period of mine he was one of the few people that had stayed by me, allowing me to rant and rave about my feelings.

39th-birthday-cheaters-250But then things started to change once he started working from home, as he stopping hanging out socially with me.  In fact, he wouldn’t even come out for my birthday last year because he wasn’t feeling ‘social’ and had too much work to do.

Communication between us started to become less frequent, and when I did hear from him, it was like he was completing a chore. Like he felt obligated to check in on me or something.

And when we would talk, he would always try to deflect any discussions about his life.  And would seem like he barely listened to what I was saying based one his responses.  It was odd.

In the last conversation we had end of July, he briefly mentioned that he’d started a new job and had moved flats to a different part of London.. over a month prior! And when I asked why he hadn’t told me sooner, he said ‘I’m telling you now’ as if I was prying.

During that conversation it was clear he wasn’t listening or interested in what I was saying, but when I’d said something about being unhappy at work, he responded ‘that’s good’. I’d called him on it at the time, but it was brushed off once again..

And that was it.  It wasn’t too long after that I noticed that he’d either deleted his Facebook profile or had blocked me.

Ummm.. bye?

Obviously I’m well aware that changes happen in all of our lives, and sometimes people do drift apart.  But regardless of how it happens, it still hurts when you’re the one left behind wondering what happened.

It can make life quite lonely when it feels like there’s nobody to talk to on a regular basis.

Advertisements

Abandonment or Over-reacting?

Standard

Sometimes I can’t believe how rude and insensitive some people can be towards their so-called friends.

Last night I went to a going away party for one of my old colleagues, as she and her husband are moving to southern Switzerland on Sunday. They are such lovely people, I just had to make sure I got to see them before they left.

So I figured I’d invite my Portuguese friend C along since he works at the same company and we haven’t seen each other in ages.  Even since he moved to North London, and I stopped working at the office in Richmond, we don’t really see other that much, or even hear from each other for that matter.

Surprisingly he actually agreed to come along (usually he’s already got other plans), and C suggested maybe later after we’ve left the party that maybe we could go to Tonker (muscle-bears) at The Eagle in Vauxhall.  I said I’d think about it.

Anyway, the leaving party was a lot of fun and it was great to see some faces I hadn’t seen in ages, though we decided to leave and make our way to Vauxhall around 10:30 or so.

I can’t remember if it was on the way there or if was earlier that he’d mentioned he was going to Tonker because one of his neighbours he’s been doing some music with had invited him .. and it wasn’t until after we got to the club that I found out that the guy was a recent shag or a potential shag (was hard to hear in there).

Once we’d arrived, C texted his ‘friend’ to see where he was, and the reply he got back made it seem like the guy had already left to catch the last tube home.  After that C didn’t seem that thrilled to be there, and even mentioned about heading home after finishing the drink he was working on at the time.

Around 12:30 or so, the neighbour suddenly popped up and said he was headed to the tube right then.. so my friend took off with him, leaving me at the club with barely a goodbye.  That’s right.. he’d invited me out and then abandoned me when his mate was leaving.

Needless to say, I wasn’t much in the mood to stay at the club after that.. I’d only gone because I hadn’t seen him in ages and wanted to hang out.  I’m not a big fan of that place on Friday nights, as it’s generally full of self-absorbed assholes.  (my opinion only..)

So about an hour or so ago, C gave me a call asking how the rest of my night was and seemed somewhat shocked when I got angry about being dumped like yesterday’s trash when his neighbour showed up.  He even went so far to tell me he thought I might be over-reacting about it all.  After all we did hang out for about an hour or so … to which I responded ‘So I’m only good to hang out for an hour or so then? Thanks..’.

In the end I just got so pissed off at his nonchalant attitude towards it all that I told him to ‘fuck off then’ and hung up the phone.  Ok, so I’ve got a bit of a temper..

To me, if I’ve invited someone out, then my plan for the evening is to spend it with that person.  The last thing I’m going to do is drop them if someone else shows up, regardless if it’s about making sure I could get home (that was his excuse for leaving me at the club like that.. because otherwise he wasn’t sure how he’d get home, despite us looking it up on TFL).

And if his only reason for going to the club was to meet up with his neighbour (shag or not), then why the hell did he invite me to begin with?  Or was it more he just wanted someone to hang out with until something better (i.e.: his friend) came along because he didn’t want to be at the club by himself?

So.. I’m asking all of you: Did I over-react or do I have a right to be pissed off at his behaviour? 

I’d love to hear your opinions of this situation.