The Trials of Being an ‘Average’ Gay


Life as a gay man can have it’s ups and downs.  And if you’re considered an ‘average’ gay, then you may be in for a few additional ones.  At least that’s the way society and the media makes us believe.

We all know that a lot of gay men out there can be very superficial when it comes to appearance (and I include myself in that generalisation…), but have we reached a point where the stereotyping is starting to harm those who may not fit that perfect mould?  Not everyone can have the body of a Greek god with perfect hair, muscles upon muscles, great abs, a large package, etc.

Unfortunately, the media does tend to paint the picture that only the most attractive amongst us could possibly be considered successful, happy, or desirable.  That you ‘must’ look like an Abercrombie model in order to be attractive.

When you really get down to it, the actual percentage that would fit that stereotype is probably quite slim, whereas the rest of us could be considered average with varying degrees up or down.  But yet we’ve somehow allowed ourselves to buy into the shallowness and try to strive to reach that unattainable ‘perfection’ and hotness – the perfect body, the hot AF boyfriend, the ideal life.

What a load of crap, huh?

Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone.  Not everyone is turned on by an awesome set of abs, pecs that are marble-like slabs, a chiselled chin, or an ass so tight and peachy you could bounce a quarter off it.

There are whole sub-sects of the gay community that perceive things differently, and have different ideals of what is beautiful (bears, chubby-chasers, etc).  But sadly the media would consider them ‘average’ and perhaps even dismiss them for not wanting to live up to what’s considered an ideal.

Regardless of what you find attractive, it’s more likely that this ‘yearning’ for what others have is due to all of us (gay, straight or anyone in between) regularly comparing our lives to those around us, or to those depicted in the media.  And as much as we know deep down it’s all a facade, we can’t help but to buy into the happy-happy everyone posts on their social media and think ‘I wish that was me’ or ‘I want that’.

But does that necessarily mean your life will be more difficult when you’re just considered ‘average’ (*gasp* the horror…)?  Are you less likely to become successful at you job, or snag that man of your dreams?

Well… yes and no.  It’s all dependant on how you approach life.

As difficult as it can be at times, you can’t live your life comparing yourself to others.  There’s no magic formula for where you should be in life by a certain age, just a bunch of pressure you’ve put on yourself.  And there’s nothing saying that you have to have the same things in your life that your friends or family do.

And that’s the joy of life – it’s different for everyone.  And no matter how you look, you might have the same insecurities, hopes or dreams as that super hot guy beside you on the tube, or as that regular bloke sitting across the pub from you.  Or you might have different ones.

In the end, the most important thing in life is how we perceive ourselves and we really shouldn’t allow the media or other people’s perceptions of beauty to detract from our own self worth.  We should own our average-ness and not allow others to make us feel ‘less than’ because we don’t fit their mould.

Because when you get right down to it, you’re exactly who you’re supposed to be right at this moment.

Can’t help but look around and question whether or not you belong? Magazines, online publications, and nearly every TV show might show a gay couple cuddled up, but why do they all look like supermodels?

Source: The Trouble With Being Average Looking in the Gay Community –

9 thoughts on “The Trials of Being an ‘Average’ Gay

  1. Great job, Martin! Being born same gender loving (and with an identical twin brother who’s the same), neither of us were endowed with the automatic “knowledge” of being men-who-love-other-men. We had to “do” it all ourselves. Our oldest brother is also gay but he had to find his own way and always encouraged us to do the same. None of us ever followed the “gay clone” model and still reject it even today. Thank you for posting this! Naked hugs!

  2. I’m sure it’s no newsflash, but what you describe is exactly what women have struggled with since the advent of the camera. And it IS a struggle, no matter what your gender … though perhaps less so for straight males.
    Excellent post. 🙂

    • Thanks… and you’re right, it’s not something new or earthshattering. Just not sure it’s talked about much in the media… probably to not tarnish the homogenised image of what a gay man should look like. Gawd forbid people realise we’re all different lol

      • There’s something else too: while women might be given these unrealistic expectations by the media, at least we’re different from the men who expect it. Gay men not only have to deal with what you describe that is the same as women, you also have the push from heterosexual men (especially homophobic ones) to necessarily look different. I don’t know if I’m explaining myself well… I’ll start again.
        Women are urged towards glamour (for lack of a better word) because it’s pleasing to the eye (of those attracted to them).
        Gay men are urged towards glamour for the same reasons as well as to ensure straight men can distance themselves from them.
        What it comes down to is straight men rule the way we’re taught to think. It’s about time that changed!!!

  3. Great post. Thanks. Comparing yourself to others is really damaging – whether it’s for looks, career or money. Sometimes it’s just luck or right place, right time that propelled someone to the “head of the pack.” Certainly the genes that result in good looks are pure luck. Before you compare yourself to someone else, think about how fortunate you are for what you have.

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