The other day I was surfing around a site sent to me by my fellow blogger Ivan (ivansblogworld.wordpress.com), and the below article title caught my eye.
YES!! I’m not the only one who finds it a struggle! Maybe this would be the article that would truly get me.
Quick recap – I’m a 43 year old fat gay man who’s never been in an actual relationship. I’ve only ever dated guys casually for a bit before they would claim I was getting ‘too attached’ and only wanted something casual.. which usually ended with them having a new boyfriend within about 6 months.
So.. I opened this article hoping to gain some mutual insight into what I’ve gone through in my dating life. That it was going to be validation for all the years I’ve felt marginalised for whatever reason. And as I read the first couple of lines I thought I’d found a kindred spirit as there were a lot of similarities.
The more I read, the more I realised this wasn’t me or my experiences. Instead, this was someone who’s allowed himself to become so dismissive of himself, his weight, and the gay community that he’s allowed his negativity to feed into his own fat-shaming.
It was to the point where he was obsessive about it. And he was absolutely adamant that this was the truth for all chubby gay men out there.
Well, No. His experiences sure as hell haven’t been mine.
So based on his article, I’d like to give my experiences over the years and how I’m feeling. These aren’t facts or anything other than my observations, and I would never allude that anyone else should feel exactly the same.
Smaller Target Audience
I learned after a few years (and a bit of heartbreak) that there really is a smaller target for bigger guys like me, regardless of what type of guys I found physically attractive… and it sure as hell wasn’t other bigger guys like me (lesbian bears, as I like to call them haha).
At first I thought, because of my own fat-shaming, that I’d have to settle for whomever was willing to have sex with me. That I was truly ugly and unattractive, so I’d have no real choice in the matter. But then I found the bear community and the chasers… and I was meeting some pretty gorgeous guys. And who’d complain about that? 😉
Loneliness is best served cold.. with gravy
Like probably a lot of people out there who have weight issues, I tended to turn to food as compensation when I was feeling down or bad about something. It was an instant gratification while trying to justify my bad food choices.
Who munches on celery sticks when they’re feeling down? LOL
But this is something I’ve recently started working on, mostly because I was starting to feel like my weight had gotten out of control (partly due to quitting smoking I think). I’m taking it day by day to ensure I’m making good food choices and pairing it was regular exercise (walking part way to/from work).
It’s only been about 2 weeks, but I’m feeling good about it and need to keep it going.
I’m one hell of a hermit
I don’t think I’ve used my weight as an excuse not to go out and be social. Instead I’ve allowed my laziness to justify why I’ll spend a weekend at home having a Netflix marathon alone.
I think my hermit-ism is more due to my own feelings of being left out by people, and not taking the issue in hand to do something about it (see previous post). I know there are places I can go and potentially run into someone I know (KA in Soho for instance), but I’ll let my laziness to justify why it’s a waste of time spending an hour travelling into town on the ‘chance’ of meeting someone I knew. Or someone new.
And that’s not good.
I do alright, sexually.. sometimes
I know I sometimes moan about how I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like to, or even as much as I used to a few years ago. But at no point have I ever said it’s because I’m fat. Sure that may limit my possibilities, but it shouldn’t ever stop me.
And no, unlike the original article’s author, I have never paid for sex. Fuck no.
Instead I know my lack-luster love life is down to my own laziness and not putting myself out there as much as I used to. If I’m sitting at home all the time, how am I going to meet someone one new and exciting? Sure, there are the dating apps, but mostly I’m only going to get the same group of guys within my immediate area.
I’ve never been that great at accepting compliments from guys, mostly due to my own low self-esteem. Usually I’d just assume they were saying these things just so they could have sex with me (and some of them might have been..).
But I think I’ve done well to get past that somewhat and accept a compliment for what it is. And if the other person isn’t being sincere, then that’s on them. I’m not going to spend my precious time over-thinking everything a guy says to me just to figure out if it’s real or not.
We’re homophobic towards each other
I’ve been living out and proud for over 20 years now, and it still never astounds me how much as a community we put ourselves down by ostracising our own sub-sects or stereotypes.
Who hasn’t been to a Gay Pride and watched as all the muscular pretty boys in their little hot-pants get all the cheers and catcalls, while anyone who doesn’t fit that ‘society-approved norm’ basically gets ignored.
However I won’t allow that to affect how I feel about myself. I go to Pride most years and have a laugh, usually ending up at the bear bar drinking in the streets with everyone else. And I just get on with my life without allowing other people’s perceptions of who they think I am stop me from having fun.
Never assume to know someone
True, I look like the stereotypical little bear, but that doesn’t mean you know who I am based on someone you’ve known in the past who has a similar look. Or that because I’m above a certain age with a bit of grey in my beard that I must be a ‘daddy’. Or that because I’ve attended several naturist parties that I’d be interested in going to an orgy.
It’s all bullshit. Not one aspect of my life wholly defines me as a person.
BUT…. if I’m being truly honest, I’ve been just as guilty of it as anyone else. I would see some pretty, young ‘twink’ and immediately think they must be a self-absorbed, fashion-obsessed, obnoxious airhead. Or that some beefy, muscled out gym-bunny must be dumb as a bag of hammers. And so forth.
Sadly, this is something we all have to struggle with on a daily basis. We’ve grown up buying into the stereotypes just as much as we’ve been fighting to get past them, and sometimes still treat people of similar backgrounds as gay clones.
So… what now?
Well, not much really.
It’s not like I wrote this to work through some issue or to justify my actions. It was more of an exercise to prove that not everyone’s experiences are the same, no matter how many factors you may have in common.
However I do think it’s helped show me that, although my dating life is pretty stagnant at the moment, it truly hasn’t been all that horrible. That despite never having that relationship I’ve always wanted, I still have met some amazing guys – and yes, some assholes too – that have made the journey so far worth it.
Yeah, shocking as it is, I’m actually feeling somewhat positive about my dating past and the potential for the future. And that it’s just a matter of getting my lazy ass out there again. LOL