New Year Blues

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On New Year’s Day while driving back to London from Essex with a couple of dear friends, one of them asked me a fairly innocuous question regarding my plans for the year ahead.

“So, you have anything exciting planned for 2017? Anything you’re looking to accomplish?”

And for some reason I really struggled to answer him… and that alone threw me for a loop. Even more so than my seemingly lack of an answer.

For whatever reason I was already feeling somewhat ambivalent about it all in the lead up to the holiday season. I could have easily stayed home instead of travelling to my mate’s place in Essex for their Naked New Year’s party (which really wasn’t as exciting as it might sound lol), but I forced myself to go. It was an alright party, but not as exciting as previous year’s celebrations.

Here’s the crux of it all – Over the past couple of months, I’ve been feeling fairly anti-social.  I’ve been spending entire weekends at home alone, rarely talking to anyone let alone actually leaving the flat.  It’s happened a couple of times where, because I’d picked up groceries on the way home Friday night, there was kind of no need to go anywhere.

This is something that has continued into the New Year. And all it does is make me feel like I’m wasting my weekends.

I do genuinely go into most weekends with a basic idea of what I’d like to do, even if I don’t have anything planned ahead of time. It could be something as simple as taking the laptop to the local coffee shop to do some writing (which we all know has been lacking these past few months), going to a museum, or maybe just going out for a couple drinks with mates.

But instead with groceries in the fridge (or enough cash for take-away), I end up having several Netflix marathons.  Or on the very rare occasion, have a mate come over to hang out for an evening.

Basically I boils down to the same feeling I’ve had repeatedly over the years.  That if I don’t make the effort first to keep in contact with people or to suggest doing things, then it’s quite rare to hear from them. That could be somewhat simplistic or overly pessimistic, but hear me out…

truly caresThere are a few friends that I used to hang out with regularly (if not weekly), but this seemed to only happen when I’d message them to see what they were up to.  So when I’d stop messaging people to see what they’re up to, I kind of stop hear from them.

And that feeling of ambivalence towards my social life has clearly spilled into the rest of my life, especially when I try to think of where I’d like to be at the end of the year. What progress I’d like to make, what accomplishments, and so forth.

And that’s not a great feeling, especially after I was so driven during the latter half of 2016 to complete the Microsoft Office Specialist (expert-level) Excel 2013 certification exams. It wasn’t easy, and I had to retake them after failing the first time, but in the end I powered through and aced the exams as I knew I could.

Maybe my ambivalence towards 2017 has to do with this ‘waiting pattern’ it feels I’ve been in since those exams. I still have 2 other exams to complete to achieve my Master certification, which I have until the Autumn to complete, but I’m also waiting for the approval through work to get my Prince2 Foundation & Practitioner certification.

And that’s a great thing to be able to say is happening. I’d initially spoke to my old boss about doing this back in April, but there didn’t seem to be any movement regarding it. But once the new boss started back in October, things really started moving. And not just about the course.

This new boss is all about getting things right and is quite geared towards pushing forward those that work hard… not those that seem to flash certain attributes and turn on their gender-specific charm or get all emotional in order to get what they want.  Hell, he even pushed for me to get a raise back in October after he’d been there 2 weeks, and he wants to expand my role into more of a divisional overall one over the next year as I complete the course.

But yet I still sometimes feel that despite things actually going sort of ok at work at the moment that I need something to change?  Definitely doesn’t help any that the regional office I work in is quite lad-ish and unprofessional, which gets on my nerves at times.

Or is it more my dissatisfaction regarding other aspects of my life (ie: social and/or love life)? Could that be spilling over into my work life and tainting something that’s actually going alright?

Is there truly an answer to any of this?  Probably not, but most likely that’s down to my own pessimistic outlook at life at the moment.

*shrugs shoulders*disappointed-man_slider

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8 thoughts on “New Year Blues

  1. Stop shrugging and start doing! Spend some time cracking the course and spend some time out of the house. Sounds cruel but fresh air and the sense of achievement really help. You don’t want to rush to finish the courses (and hopefully avoid failing again) – you’d be much brighter when you feel you have achieved something with your time.

    As for the friends. if you have plans then maybe they may want to tag along. No issue if they don’t. Enjoy yourself and your me time!

    • Well the course through work is still pending.. waiting on our company’s training department to set it up with the provider. I’ve been holding off starting the rest of the Microsoft ones until I’ve completed that one.. but will see.

      As for the weekends.. I’ve already made a bit of headway on this after my recent trip to Madrid, and last weekend when I went to see Bianca Del Rio LIVE in East London.

      To be honest, I go through these periods from time to time where I feel almost desperate for company but seemingly helpless to do anything about it. I know this will pass.. but until then, I’m definitely getting a lot of use out of my Netflix LOL

  2. Okay buddy, regarding your weekends, get out and do something! You’ll never meet anyone (friend, lover, whatever) if you don’t make yourself available. If your current friends don’t contact you, maybe you should acquire a new set of friends. That sounds insensitive but it really isn’t. Go to the museum, coffee shop, library on your own and start to enjoy your weekends. All work and no play is not good.

    I’m happy that work is challenging and that you are finally being recognized and appreciated.

    Much love and many naked hugs, Martin!

    • The weekends are a work in progress. . And there has been another factor that has affected things as well that I’ll touch upon in this weekend’s post.
      I think a lot of it is London can be quite difficult when it comes to meeting and maintaining friends. . To a point anyway. Most people I know seem to constantly on the go and have to book in social engagements weeks in advance. Plus a lot of my friends all work/live more centrally where I’m a good hour’s commute away from Soho so it’s easier for them. But that’s just an excuse on my part. I know I’m lazy lol
      Anyway we’ll see how things progress.
      Thanks as always for popping by 😊

  3. Great post and I read all the comments. Now this is how I see it, nothing wrong with having a weekend home and doing nothing much. For me I must always do something, even if this just cleaning the fridge or something like that. You see I suffer from dark depresssion and I must actively and very consciously make efforts to keep busy.
    Being single is so difficult and in a big city has more challenges. You have to find that balance in the middle.
    You very brave going on holiday alone, but can I be honest, being in a relationship is also brave. You need to think about somebody else and it’s no longer about you.

    Keep doing what you doing, and as one of the comments said you need to make yourself available. Take care. Ivan

  4. Not quite sure what else I can do to ‘make myself available’ to others. Most know that unless I say otherwise, I generally don’t have anything planned.. or perhaps that is me trying to project my own logic on others.

    I think a big part of things is how most of my friends live a lot more centrally than I do, and they possibly can take that for granted. One mate recently mentioned about ‘popping’ over to some museum in Central London.. as it was no big deal. He then laughed when I said I hadn’t planned on ‘going central’ as if there was no other option. Unlike them, I don’t live right near a tube or train station, so it takes a lot longer for me to get there.

    Perhaps that’s just me making excuses not to go out… or maybe I just didn’t feel like spending the afternoon with 2 couples as the lonely 5th wheel. Or maybe I’m just lazy LOL

    Being single doesn’t help any, especially when I’d love nothing better than to have someone special to cuddle up to while home… Obviously I’m not going to find anyone sitting at home. 😉

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