Alone in a Crowd


Sometimes I think I’m my own worse enemy when it comes to my social life.  I regularly complain that side of life is lacking, but rarely do I seem to do anything to change it.

In fact, I generally spend most weekends at home alone watching Netflix, when I’d really like to be out with people I like and maybe actually enjoying myself.

But when the rare opportunity does present itself, it’s almost like I sabotage myself.

Last Friday evening I was invited to 2 separate birthday parties – one for my Italian mate M, and the other for the partner of a guy I used to play with years ago.  Luckily they weren’t being held at the same time, so I was able to make both parties.

First up was my mate’s party at his Central London flat, where it was pretty chill with just a few people, a couple drinks, and some home-made chilli.  It was a nice low key celebration and it was great to just hang out and chat.

Once they were ready to leave (him and his partner were going to their place in Essex for the weekend), I headed down to Vauxhall to the other celebration at RVT, where it was the Hot Fuzz club night.  I’d been a couple times before ages ago, but hadn’t expected it to be so busy…

Unfortunately the group celebrating the second birthday didn’t show up at the club until almost 1am, by which time I’d been there close to 2 hours by myself, not really knowing anyone well enough to hangout with.

nightclubBecause it so damn busy there and there barely any room to move, all I got from the couple mates there within that group was a wave or smile across the crowd, and then I didn’t really see them again as they disappeared into the crowd with their friends.

I don’t know why, but because these mates didn’t physically say hi to me, it kinda upset me.  And because I didn’t know the other guys there that well, I found myself feeling more and more alone while standing in the middle of a packed nightclub.

Maybe I was expecting too much..

Or maybe I should have made more of an effort to find them in the crowd.  Find them instead of waiting for them to find me, and maybe join their group to enjoy the night.

But I didn’t.

Instead I got more and more frustrated that nobody was making an effort to interact with me (not that I could hear a thing in the club…), and I’d worked myself into such a state that I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t have a good time.

So I left without saying goodbye to anyone.. not that it seemed anyone noticed I left.

The next day I message my mates about it, and it was interesting the different reactions from them – one was super apologetic and felt really bad about it all; the other seemed to try and blame me for not making more of an effort to find him.

But it’s made me wonder if I truly fit into that group of people.  They’re friendly to me when they see me, but it’s not like I’m generally invited out with them (the birthday invitation was a surprise really).

And on the very rare occasion when I am included, it’s usually by the same one or two people.

People Make TimeI do think it’s funny though, considering this situation.. the one who was super apologetic is always telling me I need to get out more, to be more social.

But when I actually make the effort, he’s off with his friends, seemingly ignoring me (which he ‘says’ he didn’t mean to do).

I do find it hard to ‘fit in’ with these people as they’re all so super social, something I’m not.  I had hoped by hanging out with them that it would bring me out of my shell more, but instead it’s caused me to retreat into it more a bit.

Or maybe I just need to put my own needs and ego aside, and just go with the flow.  Guess we’ll see what happened the next time I get invited to something.

If I get invited that is..

2 thoughts on “Alone in a Crowd

  1. Jax

    Mate. I read your blog every once in a while, but a lot of times it’s depressing to be honest. I think maybe you need to find a way to get out of your head and your own way. Being alone sucks sometimes that’s true, but to me it’s about the glass half full. Enjoy yourself first and funny thing will happen. Others will enjoy you. Remember a fav gay cult film, wizard of oz right? Sometimes we search high and low for what we need only to realize it was at home the whole time.

    • Thanks for taking the time to stop by and to comment. I know sometimes my blog comes across depressing at times.. I tend to use this site as a way to write my way through certain issues I’m going through at any given moment.. and this says to me I’m getting my emotions across through my writing. Interestingly I used to always go out on my own and have amazing times, with or without people I know being there. I think these days I just have a harder time losing myself in the crowd, especially when people I know and whose company I enjoy are there as well but not interacting with me for whatever reason. I keep telling myself I shouldn’t care if there’s people around me, that I should just enjoy my life as it happens.. sometimes that’s just easier said than done. But like anything it’s a work in progress..

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