Are We Friends or Not?

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I’m finding it harder and harder at times to determine if some people are actually my friends or are just there for when it suits their needs.

I’m not talking about those who are in my day to day life, but more of those who only pop up when it’s convenient for them.  Where you’ll go months and months without hearing from them, then suddenly they want to know your life story, a ‘catch up’, in a sentence or two.

As if that’s even possible, even if you have such an uneventful life like me.  LOL

But the funny thing is how they react when you call them on their shitty ‘friendship’.  Some try to put it back on you because they haven’t heard from you either.. which can be a fair point sometimes.  And some will just apologise but not explain why you haven’t heard from them.

sexy turkI bring this up as I got a message yesterday from a sexy Turkish/Bahrainian guy I used to play with from time to time.  I’d last heard from him briefly at Christmas, and then his previous message was probably close to 6 months before then.

We’ve known each other for at least 3 years now, and I used to regularly message him to meet up, but he never could because of family commitments (separated from his wife, lived with his mother and had partial custody of his son..).

Or if we did agree to meet up, it was usually somewhere that was convenient for him but not for me… Many times I’d travelled to North London when I lived in Vauxhall only for him to cancel.  One time I got his cancellation message as I got there, only for him to message me a couple hours later that he could now meet.. meanwhile I’d already travelled back home.

Very frustrating, especially when we got along so well, both personally and sexually.

But after awhile, I got sick of his excuses why he couldn’t meet up.

I eventually told him that if he wanted to spend time with me then he needed to make the effort to organise it, to ask me to meet up and such.  That I was done chasing after him, that this one-sided friendship wasn’t fair on me.

religionObviously I’m not so shallow to be blind to the issues he has reconciling his bisexuality and his religion. He and his family are devout Muslims so it’s extremely difficult for him to accept his attraction to chunky guys.

In his mind, because of his upbringing, sex between two men is considered dirty and unnatural, and most definitely against everything he’s been brought up to believe in.  At one point he actually thought there was something wrong with him physically or psychologically and was looking to go to a doctor to try and ‘fix’ it.

And of course, nothing I could say to him during those periods could convince him otherwise.

Religious misconceptions aside, the most frustrating thing was how he’d never reply to messages.  Or if I sent him a message that expressed any sort of dissatisfaction with his side of our ‘friendship’, then I wouldn’t hear from him again for another couple months.

I got so frustrated by it all yesterday that I actually told him to grow a pair and be a man already. To love who he wants to love, not who others tell him he should love.  That if he likes me as much as he keep saying he does (it’s his usual spiel) then he should make an effort to see me.

sexy beard2Yeah.. that was all probably unfair of me. He can’t help that he’s been brought up in a different culture that makes people think if they don’t live a certain life then they must be a bad person.  That any deviation from the ‘norm’ would result in losing everything they hold dear.

From what I’ve gathered he’s decided to just not bother meeting me because he can’t (or won’t, not sure..) give me what I’m looking for.  I don’t expect a marriage proposal from him or anything, just be nice to spend some time together.  Even if it was just as mates.

Or maybe I’m just expecting too much from him..

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12 thoughts on “Are We Friends or Not?

  1. aguywithoutboxers

    Don’t think of this as something wrong with you, but you’ve just grown tired of being the one who makes all the effort only to be disappointed, frustrated and angry. I think we’ve all probably had friends such as this…the one’s who always take and never give anything in return. Friendship works both ways. Good for you, Martin, for letting him know that you’ve reached your limit with him. Now sit back and watch how the next scene opens. Much love and many naked hugs, my friend! 🙂

    • Sadly, this is just one example among many for me.. It can sometimes get too much when you realise a lot of your friendships are all one-sided, and it can really eat at you. But yeah, I’m glad I told this particular person that I’ve had enough, though I don’t think it’ll do any good as I’ve tried this approach before. Maybe it’s just time to say goodbye and realise he’ll never be able to part of my life no matter how much I’d like him to be. And to just not let him back in.. but we’ll see how it goes. Thanks as always for your lovely words.. Much love and naked hugs back at you. x

  2. Okay I was giddy when I saw your post! From how I see it, of late I have made some harsh decisions. I have completely cut all ties with my one siblings, and their family. No contact at all, and I belive this is now a permant decision of mine. Long story, and it’s been coming for years. On a religious “view” they do not accept gay people. I belive they are incredibly ambitious for money, fame, fortune, power etc. Were I choose a different path. My point is that relationship was toxic for me. I also have “friends” who only want the good times or when they decide the time is right. Life is too short, focus your attention on someone who deserves you and will treat you the way you deserve. Sometimes The baggage of someone’s life cannot be discarded, and I truly feel for this man who cannot live the life he wants. Ivan.

    • It’s never an easy decision to cut someone from your life, especially if they hold a place in your heart. A mate told me once that I tend to choose the wrong people to befriend, which is why I get into these situations (not the first time..). Just like those family members who’ve chosen to not part of my life.. I’m not going to chase after them, despite still caring about them. But that’s life I suppose..

      • It f&$ing sad actully, when you grew up in the same house and your family becomes more of a burden. Anyway. What’s normal, what’s the wrong friends, what’s and more whats. Hell I am a gay man and that not normal in many people’s eyes. Let’s keep on this path called my life, pretty awesome so far. Ivan

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