Just like most people, I look forward to New Years as a way to put the previous twelve months behind me and hopefully move forward with my life.
Or at least that’s what I try to tell myself.
This year, more than any other, I find that I need to revitalise myself and my attitude towards life. That I really need to put the past to bed, and try to move ahead with where I want my life to go.
Easier said (or written) than done to be honest.
The past week between Christmas and New Years has been quite rough for me, and not just because of the sadness or loneliness I felt over the holidays. Though it does play a big part in things.
I’m not going to go into intricate details, but while feeling down last Saturday I had a blow-up with one of my mates. Due to my own feelings of abandonment, I ended up lashing out about how I was feeling causing him to storm out of the coffee shop. He then messaged that he no longer wanted to be my friend, and then blocked me from being able to contact him.
That really hurt.
But the more I thought about it, the more it was inevitable due to my pushing him with my anger and resentment towards my life and the world around me. I let my emotions and insecurities get the better of me, and there was no way to change what happened (I tried to apologise obviously..).
All I really needed in that moment was someone to listen to how I was feeling, help me talk through the thoughts in my head. And maybe a cuddle or two.
However, after it happened and I got over the initial shock of his response, I surprisingly felt quite calm. As if that was exactly what I needed to vent the emotions I’d been bottling up over the holidays, and for the remainder of the weekend heading into New Year’s Eve, I didn’t feel as upset or angry as I was.
Ok, so the feelings didn’t completely go away overnight. Was more that it was a wake up call about how I was reacting to things as they happened. That I was kind of looking at the world as if it owed me something, like I had a sense of entitlement about how people should act towards me.
And what this did was help me realise that it was all bullshit. That the feelings themselves, although valid and real from my point of view, were stupid and only in my own head. That I can’t expect people to be there for me when I’m feeling down if all I’m going to do is be angry about life.
And that the only person I can truly rely on to be there for me is ME, so I need to ensure I can approach my issues with a calm and level head.
Now do I still think I need to talk to a professional about everything I’ve been thinking and feeling over the past while? Of course I do, but at least now it doesn’t feel like a life or death situation.
Don’t worry. I haven’t necessarily been feeling suicidal, but I could easily see where certain thoughts could have lead down that path. And that scared the shit out of me.
So now it’s a new year, and hopefully this means some new beginnings while putting the past behind me. It’s not going to be an easy thing, but fingers crossed I can get where I need to be for me.