New Year, New Mentality

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Just like most people, I look forward to New Years as a way to put the previous twelve months behind me and hopefully move forward with my life.

Or at least that’s what I try to tell myself.

This year, more than any other, I find that I need to revitalise myself and my attitude towards life.  That I really need to put the past to bed, and try to move ahead with where I want my life to go.

Easier said (or written) than done to be honest.

The past week between Christmas and New Years has been quite rough for me, and not just because of the sadness or loneliness I felt over the holidays.  Though it does play a big part in things.

don't chase peopleI’m not going to go into intricate details, but while feeling down last Saturday I had a blow-up with one of my mates.  Due to my own feelings of abandonment, I ended up lashing out about how I was feeling causing him to storm out of the coffee shop.  He then messaged that he no longer wanted to be my friend, and then blocked me from being able to contact him.

That really hurt.

But the more I thought about it, the more it was inevitable due to my pushing him with my anger and resentment towards my life and the world around me.  I let my emotions and insecurities get the better of me, and there was no way to change what happened (I tried to apologise obviously..).

All I really needed in that moment was someone to listen to how I was feeling, help me talk through the thoughts in my head.  And maybe a cuddle or two.

However, after it happened and I got over the initial shock of his response, I surprisingly felt quite calm.  As if that was exactly what I needed to vent the emotions I’d been bottling up over the holidays, and for the remainder of the weekend heading into New Year’s Eve, I didn’t feel as upset or angry as I was.

Ok, so the feelings didn’t completely go away overnight.  Was more that it was a wake up call about how I was reacting to things as they happened.  That I was kind of looking at the world as if it owed me something, like I had a sense of entitlement about how people should act towards me.

LifeIsPainful2And what this did was help me realise that it was all bullshit.  That the feelings themselves, although valid and real from my point of view, were stupid and only in my own head.  That I can’t expect people to be there for me when I’m feeling down if all I’m going to do is be angry about life.

And that the only person I can truly rely on to be there for me is ME, so I need to ensure I can approach my issues with a calm and level head.

Now do I still think I need to talk to a professional about everything I’ve been thinking and feeling over the past while?  Of course I do, but at least now it doesn’t feel like a life or death situation.

Don’t worry.  I haven’t necessarily been feeling suicidal, but I could easily see where certain thoughts could have lead down that path.  And that scared the shit out of me.

So now it’s a new year, and hopefully this means some new beginnings while putting the past behind me.  It’s not going to be an easy thing, but fingers crossed I can get where I need to be for me.

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11 thoughts on “New Year, New Mentality

  1. Firstly a very Happy New Year to you. I hope you had a blast. Really sorry to read about your bad experience with your friend. The saying time heals, hope that helps. I can relate to the feeling of being “abandoned “. That how I am feeling right now with my family. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but the way I see it I am just protecting myself by cutting contact with my siblings at present. It may change but will see what transpires.

    I sucked in my pride and went to see a therapist las year, wow what an eye opener for me. I am my own worst enemy and can so easily play the victim. However as they say in the 12 step programme. ONE DAY AT A TIME. take care and I am sending you all the best vibes, wishes, etc that all works out for you soon, soon.. Ivan

    PS. I still get giddy like a gay wisard when I see your new posting.

    • Still makes me smile that you get so giddy for my posts 😃

      I’m hoping time will heal things, especially after bumping into him on NYE, but I won’t be holding my breath. This has happened before and generally they don’t seem to drop back inti my life.. But will see i suppose.

      Glad to hear going to the therapist helped you. I’m still looking into my options about all that, though may just go to my gp for a referral.

  2. aguywithoutboxers

    Extraordinary topic and graphics (as usual) for your post, Martin. Sorry about your friend; hopefully, he’ll realize his anger and responsibility and come around. After your conflict, at least you thought the matter through and tried to make amends. Good progress, buddy! You’re moving in the right direction towards turning your life around. Congratulations, much love and naked hugs! 🙂

    BTW: I checked out the website you sent to me. I’m interested in your reactions and thoughts on your membership! Take care and stay bare!

    • Thanks hun. Here’s hoping things do turn around for me this year. I’m trying to stay positive and not let any perceived or imagined slights upset me.

      In fact this past weekend, I stayed quite calm despite not hearing from a couple mates who’d promised we’d meet up. Think the trick is to just not care if they call, or maybe set expectations low lol

      Oh as for that website, I’m still checking it out and have chatted to a couple guys about 1-2-1 meet ups, and am considering attending the monthly social this week at a bar in the city.. It’s a social site, but in the end is mostly for hookups from what I see and read. Will see how it goes… Lol

      • aguywithoutboxers

        I’m still interested in learning of your impressions. Who knows, you may make it under one of those kilts (even though England is a distance from Scotland, you never know who you’ll meet there…LOL!).

        As for the new attitude/outlook, it’s all good, my friend. Best wishes in your efforts! You know I support you 100%!

        Much love and moderately hairy hugs, Martin! 😉

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