Unlucky In Love


Anyone who knows me or has been reading my blog for awhile knows how I’ve never been lucky in love.  How, at 41 and after almost 20 years of being out, I’m still waiting for that first boyfriend/relationship to come into my life.

This is a subject I’ve thought about, written about and over-analysed so many times I think I’ve done it to death.  LOL

When it comes to guys, I’m finding these days that I tend to meet 3 types of guys:

  1. Single guys with a mutual attraction, but they are always too busy to meet up for something as simple as a coffee or a drink.
  2. Singles guys I’m not physically attracted to, but whom are constantly after me to meet up (usually for sex).
  3. Partnered guys I’m physically attracted to and who want to meet me (usually for sex or friends with benefits), but are obviously emotionally unavailable from a dating point of view.

finger kissI’m finding it extremely difficult to think of a single guy I’ve met in the past year who was as interested in getting to know me as I was them, and was actively looking to spend time together.

Isn’t that sad?

I’m not necessarily having a moan about this (okay, maybe just a little), but I can’t help but wonder if I’m sabotaging myself in the romance department.  That despite wanting to find actual dates and eventually a boyfriend/partner, that maybe I’m missing out on something else by accepting the advances of guys in section 2 or 3 just for the sake of feeling like someone finds me attractive.

I have no idea why I would do that, but it could be a self-confidence issue, where perhaps deep-down I don’t feel I deserve a boyfriend or love in my life.

Pretty deep huh?  Of course all that could just be my own insecurities playing with my head.

I’ve tried to talk about all this with friends repeatedly over the years, but I usually just get the same old story – that I just need to relax, have some fun, and then something will come along when I least expect it.

The problem I have with that advice is I’ve been trying to do that for close to 20 years now, and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere.  I wish I could just stop caring about finding something more meaningful than a shag and just get on with living life, but that’s easier said than done.

Man being comfortedOf course, some of these friends can’t really relate to what I’m going through despite what they say.  A lot of them are either already partnered (many in open relationships) or they’ve been through many long term relationships (good or bad) in the past.

But what I find interesting is how many of them try to scare me off relationships.  They keep telling me how hard and horrible some relationships can be, and try to paint a negative picture of what it’s like to be in a relationship.  They’re basically trying to convince me how being single is so much better and fun.

Of course some of those same guys seem to find more extra-curricular ‘fun’ in a month than I do in a year or two.. And then still get to go home to curl up with their hubby afterwards.  Yeah, right.

Perhaps I’m over-dramatising it all.  Or perhaps I’m just one of those unlucky souls who aren’t meant to find someone special.  As much as the media and society keeps telling us that there’s someone out there for everyone, perhaps that’s actually a lie and some people are meant to be alone, regardless of how they feel.

I do find it somewhat interesting (and very annoying) how everyone makes it seem so easy to just stop caring or worrying about all this.  That it should be as simple as flicking a switch and turning off how I feel.

Soul needsIt’s not.  I really wish it was.

I do wonder where my life might have ended up if I hadn’t spent so much time over the years obsessing about my love life (or lack thereof).  Perhaps I would have expended that energy on other things, like writing, finding a career, travelling more, making more good friends, or any number of things I would love to have in my life.

Ultimately all I want out of life is to be happy.   Happy with my life and where it’s headed.  Obviously I know a boyfriend won’t make that happen or solve any problems…

..But it sure as hell can’t hurt. 😉

16 thoughts on “Unlucky In Love

  1. The Howling Fantogs

    I think to a large degree, whether a person finds love or not can be purely down to luck. I have friends who are attractive, funny, intelligent and successful. But for some reason, never seem to find the one. It really does puzzle me. However I have also known people who found love later in life, and are in some of the best relationships I know. I think all our hang ups are behind us in our thirties and forties.

    • It is puzzling for me as well, especially when you see some guys who aren’t particularly nice or pleasant to be around who are in amazing relationships (at least from the outside).

      I don’t know about the hangups being behind us later in life.. though perhaps it is for those who’ve experienced life to the fullest or who are content/happy with their lives. Who can know for sure.

  2. aguywithoutboxers

    My experience with Aaron? He is not my physical “type.” When we met, it was friendship until after our first date. In those hours we spent together, I fell in love with him. Moral: sometimes outside our imagined “type” we can find someone to love. I know it’s not a pre-packaged solution, but it worked for me. Much love and naked hugs, Martin! 🙂

    • For me it’s not about a specific physical type, but more about if I feel physically attracted to them. And specifically if I connect with their personality. I’ve been with guys of all shapes and sizes, and sure, chubbier or fat guys like me don’t turn me on but I don’t automatically rule a guy out because he has a belly. There has to be some chemistry in the end.

      • aguywithoutboxers

        Sorry that I was too vague. Aaron’s character and personality is what caused me to fall in love with him. On our first meeting, I noticed that he was cute but he lacked the physical aspects that I desire: a hairy body. He approached me and his friendly nature is what made me agree to our first date. I would have missed this opportunity had he not introduced himself. 😉

  3. ivansblogworld

    I always gets giddy with delight when I read your posts. Great topic.

    I posted about dating a country boy. This was never on my plan. It’s now my life. My preconceived ideas were dreams and a bunch of crap. William is younger than me, an out of towner. A country boy, not so much but those value he was brought up with sure are amazing. I would never have looked at him twice, too tall, very sociable and did and still has one cute ass. He was not a city boy… How wrong was I, I belived he was out of my league. He thought I was an absolute brat, spoiled and we had little in common.

    And here we sit, or at present lying in bed,

    I don’t belive in monogomous relationships, honestly respect, I got lucky. Or was it. I just saw a person, who was not a fem, a butch, a bear, a twink a member of the village people. Or any other gay label. As as soon as I put that aside I saw something very different.

    Are you not mixing in the wrong circles? Are you communication what you looking for. Not sure maybe try another approach. Don’t be a booty call date, you deserve more. Great post and welcome to your new home. Ivan.

    • Not sure it’s about where or with whom I’m mixing with.. When your friends are only willing to go to a handful of places, you’re kinda left with either going along with them, going out alone (and for me, not speaking to anyone), or sitting at home alone.

      In my current mind frame, I’m sadly leaning towards the third option. 😒 I’m ready to give give up and dive into my apparent spinster-hood, maybe get myself a couple cats…

      Yes, I’m in a bad place at the moment. 😔

      • ivansblogworld

        Hi. I hope you took my comment from were it came from. They way I see it, and that’s not always a clear view.

        Life is complicated then we gay, then we have to grow up, then life just becomes MORE complicated. It’s one hell of a journey.

        I actually don’t think you are meant to be that spinster. With the cats. Cats yes but not alone.

        Strange how you say in your last sentence you not in a good space, I am still battling this dark place. Lots of tension in my family, and I actully think its all about money. And deep down I have this though that my family is actully not that a okay with me being gay. They all live far away and they can actully all just stay away as honestly they add no value to my present day.
        This actully has nothing to do with your post, but I just needed to vent.
        Lastly when William was drinking real badly, I was actully more alone. They way I see it, I am very confused. Keep the faith. And blog often. Ivan.

  4. I imagine 20 years would make almost anyone pessimistic. But if love is what you want, never give up on it. As a friend of mine says, ‘there’s an ass for every chair!’ I believe that you’ll find yours if you keep looking.

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