Sometimes I can’t help but wonder (and worry) about what the future has in store for me and where my life is going. It worries me because I don’t feel like I have a plan or a goal to work towards, or have any real set destination in mind for my life going forward.
A lot of the time I just feel like I’m floating through life, letting the world around me flow by. Or when I’m feeling a bit down, like I’m paddling against the currents trying to get somewhere unreachable.
But why is that? Why do I constantly feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle just to have the life (I think) I want? Why does it feel like I’m watching the world pass me by as I see others enjoy and (sometimes) squander what I would truly like to have?
Interestingly I know if I put a plan in place, I can carry it out successfully. Hell, just look at what I went through planning and preparing when I first moved to London over six years ago. I had a goal in mind, and I created a plan to get me here.. and I did it (albeit 2 months later than planned lol).
Or is it more that I’m afraid of actually succeeding, so I don’t even try? Or that I don’t think myself worthy enough to succeed? Why won’t I take that leap of faith and just go for it?
But I suppose the real question here is what is it that I truly want out of life?
And the answer is – I honestly don’t know anymore. Sure, I can easily say I’d love to have an amazing relationship, a fulfilling career, a healthier more fulfilling life, or a dozen other vague and ambiguous ‘goals’.
Realistically I need to decide what exactly each of those things mean for me and how I can work to building what I want in life. Sure, a relationship isn’t exactly something I can make happen as it’s dependant on another person, but career and lifestyle changes are solely within my own hands to make happen.
I’ve said many times before how I’d love to write full time, to be a published author or perhaps write a regular column for a magazine. But why am I not doing it? Why am I holding myself back from actually taking a chance in life?
Pure and simple it all comes down to confidence, in myself and my abilities. To be confident that people would actually pay money to read something I’ve written, be it a novel or something else. To believe in myself enough to take that step and put my words out there .. although I kind of already do that here, to an extent.
I’m still not sure what the future holds for me, but I hope it’s full of success, happiness and love.. and that it would show up already. LOL
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On a side note – please see my new ‘Contact Me‘ page if you’d like to drop me a line but aren’t comfortable leaving a comment on a post. Spammers need not apply. 😀