Ok, so I’ve only been looking for a new job for a week now, but already I’m starting to feel the pressure of it all and feeling very stressed about it all. I know in my head that it’s probably too soon to start freaking out or whatever, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
All last week I was feeling fairly confident, energetic, and quietly optimistic about finding a new job quickly. In fact, I had 2 calls from recruiters in the first 2 days, so this definitely gave me quite the boost going into the weekend.
But for whatever reason I woke up today feeling stressed about it all and started to worry about what’s going to happen next. There are other worries as well surrounding this, but I’ve promised not to discuss them on here.
One part of me feels like I’ve been doing tons to try and find a new job. I’ve signed up for multiple online agencies and registered my details on too many job sites to count, not to mention sent my cv in response to close to 20 job listings today alone.
I’ve lost track of how many applications I’ve sent off in the past week.
But somehow I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not doing enough to get a job. That there should be something else I should be doing to get those recruiters to call and say ‘You’re hired’. That maybe I need to do something different in my job search.. If I only knew what it was.
For whatever reason today I’ve been feeling the pressure so much that it feels like someone is standing on my chest. And it fucking hurts.
But I think mostly the situation has just finally sunk in. That I’ve lost my job, and I’ve reverted back to where I was last year before I found the last job.
And yeah, I’m scared that I’ll end up going through the same year-long unemployment I went through last year. Really scared, because I barely made it through that the first time. I don’t think I could stand another bout of that again. Especially don’t want to go through the depression again.
Several friends have told me to just stay strong and keep applying for jobs, and to not let myself get down about it all. I’m trying, really really trying.. but it’s not easy to stay positive right now.
I suppose it’s to be expected to feel down about the situation, especially since I had barely allowed myself a moment to feel bad about the situation when it first happened, regardless if I hated the job..
And I can’t help thinking that possibly secretly, deep down, I wanted to get fired. That subconsciously I thought if I was forced to look for a new job, then that might give me a kick in the ass to get moving.
Well, now here I am and I’ve been given that kick in the ass.. I’m motivated to find a new job, and I’ve been looking as hard as I can, but it doesn’t alleviate that feeling of dread or the tightness in my chest.
Of course maybe I’m just having a bad day. I’m allowed (I think) one once in awhile, right?