Pushed Off Kilter


Back in October I wrote about how I had suddenly had two different guys from my past message me, and whether it was a good thing to let them back into my life (click HERE for previous post).

healing the painLuckily the second guy who’d popped up from the near past has become a dear close friend, and I’m thankful that he’s come back into my life.  Along with my best mate in Scotland and a couple others in London, he’s one of those people I know I could talk to about anything.  And I value his friendship just as much as the others.

But it’s the first guy I’d ‘reconnected’ with that I wanted to write about, as he’s recently popped back up.. AGAIN.

When he’d messaged me last Autumn, we’d met up a couple of times to chat, have a couple drinks, go for dinner.. and yes, flirt and kiss a bit.  I’d promised myself with him that I’d let him contact me if he wanted to meet up, as he seemed to be the one chasing me, but after several weeks and a text that was meant for someone else, I stopped hearing from him.

And I kept thinking to myself that it was for the best.

Whenever I was with this guy, I felt like I was trying to pry things out of him, mostly around what his intentions were for reconnecting with me – he’d vaguely said something about not just wanting to meet me for sex, whatever that meant. And whenever we were together, he was constantly flirting with me (which was nice, of course), but it seemed like he didn’t seem bothered if it went anywhere.

Which was a similar feeling I’d had several years ago when we’d been sort-of seeing each other for a bit.  I would regularly be wondering if I was wasting my time with him, as he continually wanted to keep things casual despite the amazing connection we had with each other.  At one point after hearing about another guy I’d played with (we’d agreed to no commitments), he got super jealous about it but then a few days later called to slow things down because he felt I was getting too attached!

Seriously??  LOL

Mostly I found it frustrating that he was so closed emotionally (except for that one bout of drunken jealousy).  I’m the type of person who wears their emotions and feelings on their sleeve for the most part, even when I’m trying to hold things in.  I continually felt like I was trying to figure out where he was coming from and where things were going.

confusedq-eSo fast forward to this past Wednesday night when my mobile rang and it showed my Italian mate’s number… But when I picked it up, it wasn’t my mate on the phone, it was this guy.

Even now I’m still a bit confused as to how they know each other, and how the hell I came up in their conversation enough that they thought it be ‘fun’ to call me with the other guy on the phone.

It wasn’t an unpleasant conversation by any means, but it sort of put me off-kilter a bit.  Why now, after almost six months of no contact, is he contacting me suggesting we meet up for dinner sometime soon.  If he had been that interested in keeping in contact, why hasn’t he?

And how did this make me feel?  Do I want to rekindle anything with him, or just brush him off once and for good?

Funnily at one point in the conversation, he said something about me disappearing and not messaging him anymore, to which I replied the last I’d heard from him was a message he’d meant for someone else he knew named ‘Martin’.. which he tried to pretend he didn’t remember.

Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism of his, but he never seems to want to ‘recall’ anything negative or bad, and when he does acknowledge something, he tries to quickly brush it off like it was no big deal now.  It’s almost like he wants to only remember the happy stuff as if it makes him feel better about his life or something.  Who knows.

no-chasingI’m still a bit ambivalent whether I want to let him back into my life in any shape or form, so I’m going to let him contact me.  I’m not going to go chasing after him like some desperate fool, because I’m not (even with my lackluster love life hahaha).  It may sound like I’m playing some sort of game with him by not messaging him, but I think it’s more that I need him to prove to me that he actually wants to be a part of my life before I’d be willing to even possibly consider it.

Or maybe I’d just like to be chased for once.  LOL


5 thoughts on “Pushed Off Kilter

  1. ivansblogworld

    As always I get so much pleasure from reading your blogs. They real and so well written you have a gift for writing M. The way I see it and that’s just my view, if he has not contacted you since Wednesday, was were his intentions then? Respect your time and he cannot expect you to chase him after what you said about past behavior. Lastly are you looking for some fun or fun and a maybe long term relationship? Is he that person for you! Just asking anyway it’s always good hearing a blast from the past, makes one a little giddy!!! Is that the correct word. Take care. Ivan.

    • Not sure I’d describe my feelings as ‘giddy’ LOL When we chatted on Wednesday I’d mentioned I was away end of next week/beginning of following week, and then the following weekend is London Pride/my birthday, so he said he’d ‘be in contact’ the week after.. Personally I don’t mind a bit of fun here and there, but am more looking for dates leading to something more than just being casual.. which I know he’s not interested in. Oh well.. will just have to wait and see if he messages or not.. again. LOL

      Oh and thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind words about my blog posts and writing. I totally appreciate it.. and sometimes need the confidence boost it gives me when I wonder if all this writing is worth it (it is, of course lol).

  2. ivansblogworld

    It’s worth blogging, I think that I really want to be a jK Rowling. She is talented, an amazing writer and yes I don’t like being seen as a little grey man in the business world. Hell it pays the bills so it’s not that bad. We all can dream. Glad to hear the follow up and yes maybe a date or too would always be fun too… We all like to have some naughty fun. Giddy what the hell was I thinking. I ain’t a jk rowling at all Ivan.

  3. aguywithoutboxers

    Perhaps, send him a sms saying that he should contact you when he’s free to meet for dinner and leave it at that. The proverbial ball is his court and move on with your life. That’s my thought. Good luck! Much love and naked hugs, my blogging friend! 🙂

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