Although each of our pasts shape where our futures go, they say we shouldn’t hold onto the past as we go through life, as that would only stifle us and prevent us from living the lives we should be. Not to mention being happy in our lives.
Our pasts should only be there to guide us as we learn from past failures and successes, and help us navigate the trials to come in our lives.
But what are you supposed to do if you can’t seem to give up the ghosts of your past? If events that happened in the past are holding you back because you’re still angry, resentful or frustrated at how that affected your life?
That’s where I am at the moment, and have been for probably the last 2 years since I went through the redundancy that lead to my year long unemployment, and then lead me to accepting a lower paying position than I was used to just so I could have a job.
Looking back at the beginning of 2012 I was actually feeling pretty good about life. For once.
Work was going well, and for the first time in as long as I could remember, I was actually enjoying what I was doing. I was doing alright financially, slowly paying off my credit card after spending Christmas and New Years back in Canada, while still enjoying life and being able to put a bit of money aside every month. I could afford to do pretty much whatever I wanted when I wanted, within reason.
And it was during a period where I hadn’t written a single post on this blog in over a year despite loads of stuff going on in my life at the time. Surprising when I look back on it really.
I think a lot of what’s going on with me now where I’m unhappy with my job is because I feel it’s beneath my skill-level and pay-grade, and the overall feeling of being lost in my own life relates back to how I still feel about what happened two years ago.
Crazy huh? You’d think I’d be past it already, but I honestly don’t think I am.
I still feel resentment at my old company and boss that unlike some others we worked with who were offered other positions within our company, himself included, I was left to float off on my own. This despite reassurances from him that he’d be there to support me after I left the company because he believed I could do anything I wanted and could easily get a new or better job without even trying.
It definitely sounded good at the time, and I believed him to an extent. The problem was I didn’t believe in myself and my own abilities.. and still don’t to an extent.
So instead of being in a job at the level I was at or higher, I’ve gone backwards about 10 years and feel like I’m starting this all over again.. and that pisses me off.
Why should I have to reprove myself all over again when I’d already worked my way up the ladder and put in my dues? Why should I seemingly always have to compromise what I want in order to just get through life?
Yep.. I’m still angry and frustrated about it all. I’m still resentful that others I’d worked with (some of whom were plainly shit at their jobs) were able to walk into new jobs with ease, while I floundered like a fish out of water.
I just don’t know how to let it all go.. And how to move past it so I can focus on my future and where that might lead me.
I know deep down clinging to this anger and resentment of the past isn’t getting me anywhere, and that I need to get past it in order to move forward. I need to find a path again, a plan for the future.. a plan of more than just surviving.
It’s definitely going to be a work in progress…