Finding A Life


findingyourself2I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to find my place in the world, be it career-wise or personally.  I’m not sure why, but all through my childhood and into adulthood I’ve never truly felt I fit in anywhere.  Work, school, socially.. hell, even sometimes with my own family (who I love to bits!).

I think for me I’ve always felt like I was on the outside looking in socially.  And the decisions I’ve made in my life were all about trying to find out where I fit in.  I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve felt like I’d found where I needed to be, only for things to change down the line and start feeling like an outsider once again.

Over the years I’ve had different groups of friends where, for awhile at least, it seemed like we were all hanging out together all the time.  Then as always happens in any social circle, people started moving away, started to make other friends, or started dating someone new… and I slowly started to see my social circle dwindle.

But that’s part of life right?  People move on (or move away) and situations change, meaning you might catch up with each other every few weeks/months instead of seeing/chatting to each other every couple days.

I think for me the hardest part has always been that (unrealistic) feeling of abandonment when people move on.. like they’ve made a conscious decision to stop making you a part of their inner circle of friends.

I know it’s silly to think that, but it’s how I’ve felt at times when I’ve seen people who used to regularly call me to hangout posting on Facebook about how much fun they’re having with their current friends.


I’ve never been that good at making new friends if I have to be honest, so perhaps that’s why it hurts more when it feels like I’m being (unintentionally) excluded from stuff.  I know deep down it’s not being done with any malicious intent (oh gawd, at least I hope it’s not!) but more that they don’t think to invite me to things for whatever reason.

Of course it works both ways – why should I always be waiting for them to call me, when I should be calling them?  And that’s completely valid.  I totally agree with that.  But what if you get to the point when you scroll through your contact list (mobile, Facebook, Whatsapp, etc) you can’t seem to find anyone you want to reach out to?

Now before anyone gets worried that I’m dropping back into some depression or something, let me just say I’m not at all.  I was just thinking the other day how this has happened many times over my life, and it’s become almost cyclical.  And about how I have tons of free time on my hands and nothing to fill it with.

A mate and I were talking about this the other day … ok we were really talking about how crap our love lives were and how we weren’t getting any proper dates lately.  LOL

But the point we both got to is we need to do something that gets us out of the house and forces us to be more social.  We’ve discussed the possibilities of joining a yoga class, or going to ‘speed-dating’, or even going to a ‘gay geeks’ meetup (his idea, not mine lol).

Pretoria-Professional-Sport-Massage-Bodywork-for-men-male-Massage_38492_imageI used to go to an occasional hobby (natualist) massage class up in North London, where we got taught techniques to give sensual massage.  It was kind of social, but I never met anyone through the class that wanted to meet up outside of it.. so I stopped going after awhile, despite still enjoying the class.

I’ve been looking into maybe joining a writing group of some sort, where either you share your stories and ideas to get feedback, or one where it’s just a weekly get together to write on your own while sitting with the other writers (motivational and all that).  I’d be interested in maybe taking a writing workshop of some sort, maybe something on how to write better dialogue or fictional pieces.

In the end it’s just a matter of finding something that works for me (and I can afford of course) that gets me out of the house and makes me interact with others with a shared interest.

It would sure beat sitting at home in front of the telly.  😀

6 thoughts on “Finding A Life

  1. That was a beautiful piece and you are not alone. I have felt and feel exactly how you do now. What helped me was sport and exercise. Meeting people in clubs like that, who had similar interests. I am sure if you join a club that interests you it will bring you to similar people like yourself. The writers one sounds like a great idea 🙂 Goodluck with it

    • Thanks! I used to belong to a gay & lesbian softball group, which helped with my social life for a bit.. But I stopped playing as it got too competitive and wasn’t fun any more.

  2. aguywithoutboxers

    You’ve identified your need, my friend! That’s the first and often most difficult step. Now get with your friend and find an outlet that you both might enjoy and DO it! (It’s always better to go with someone). Best wishes on your new adventure! Much love and naked hugs! 🙂

  3. I’ve read similar thoughts on other blogs, think they were all gay too. Don’t you think the concept of not belonging though is societally imposed because gays are a minority group? I’m not particularly sociable/conformist/or fitty inny, apart from when I need to be. Not everyone is, and it’s no bad thing not to be hypocritical and pretend to love everyone and the world and go socialising every night.

    But the second issue sounds like you would prefer to have a regular lover. Trouble is, they don’t appear on demand. The old statement about if you are looking for someone they don’t turn up.

    I’ve only ever met people through happenstance, mostly work/holidays. I’d be going for two types of external activity, one intellectual and the other sporty. I’m still kicking myself that I didn’t follow up the gorgeous guy who was interested in me at the fencing club 😦 And that was years ago! Good luck.

    • Absolutely it’s definitely related to being gay and feeling marginalised in society.. In fact started to write about that but was taking the post down a different path. Maybe a future one instead.
      And you’re right, I do want a regular lover. Always have. I know it’s not going to fulfill my life, but it sure be nice lol
      Is just a matter of finding something that will fill my time and all the rest. Maybe even several outlets for different things.

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