Digital Dating – The Brush Off


In this day and age of digital dating, it’s can be quite difficult to figure out what a guy might be thinking, and even more frustrating when it seems things change or stop without any prior notice.

misterbnb-gay-airbnbWe’ve all been there – happily chatting away with some cute guy on an app like Grindr, even talking about meeting up (or going so far to arrange something), and then when you go back to their profile to send them a message, their profile is gone.

Admittedly, and anyone who uses Grindr can agree, sometimes these apps can lose your messages or favourites.  But doesn’t it seem somewhat odd that someone you’ve had a perfectly nice and flirty conversation with has suddenly disappeared from your screen?

I don’t often use the Grindr app, as it doesn’t give me many guys that would be interested in someone like me (ie: a bear).  It seems to be (mostly) filled with twinks and muscle-queens.  As much as some of them are nice to look at, I know the chance of a date with them is slim to non-existent, so I don’t bother.

There have been a couple of local guys I’ve been chatting with on there recently, and it seemed like I might be getting dates out of them (or least a shag in one case).. but now when I go into the app, neither of them show in my favourites or in my chat history.  As if the conversations with them never happened.. and I can’t find their profiles anymore, even though they both live locally.Screen Shot 2013-03-14 at 1.38.27 PM

Odd huh?

But it’s made me wonder if this is the ‘new’ way of telling someone you’re not interested any more, by simply blocking their profile from seeing yours.  I have noticed a trend on some profiles that say ‘if I’m not your type, please block me.. as I’ll do the same‘, or something to that extent.

So these guys will block people they’ve never met or talked to, solely because they’re not their type??  I understand most guys have a specific type and all, but isn’t this taking it a bit too far by excluding anyone you wouldn’t shag based solely on their physical appearance?

And if these guys have blocked me, I’m at a complete loss as to why.  Based on our chats, I am their type.

Before I thought these guys might have brushed me off, I thought there was just some problem with the app.  So I deleted my profile, uninstalled the app, reinstalled it and re-set up my profile.  I saw the first guy’s profile briefly the other night (and added him to my favourites), only for him to disappear again the next day when I logged back in.  And I haven’t seen the other guy’s profile at all.

So why should I care?  Isn’t this just another example of how callous and self-centred gay men can be these days?  Or is this symptomatic of something else, perhaps surrounding me and how I approach these guys online?  004

It’s not like I was expecting anything to come out of the chats (or potential meets) with these guys.  Mostly I was enjoying chatting to someone local for once instead of feeling like I was the only gay in the village, so to speak.

It’s good to have neighbours, but only if they talk to you.  lol

If these were brush offs then they’re not guys I’d want to spend my free time with anyway.  If they treat someone they’ve never met like that, I can only imagine how they treat their actual friends or lovers.

It’s like the internet has allowed people to forget their manners.. if they had any to begin with that is.  😉


16 thoughts on “Digital Dating – The Brush Off

  1. Chris + Ernie

    To simplify the matter, men, and moreso gay men, [ not all gay men] enjoy the game factor. Most don’t seem to be exactly sure what they want, and if they do know what they want, they have commitment baggage, because their focal paradigm is “who am I and what value am I, if I can no longer play the game, like the rest of the community”? And since digi-dating makes that behavior even more easy to accomplish, it makes their experience more apathetic.

    • So very true.. sad, but still true. I know of many partnered guys who moan about how they would ‘love’ to be back out there on the game, which I find ridiculous, especially if they’ve found someone they love. Then again, it doesn’t stop a lot of them from being open and being able to play while still having the comforts of someone at home.

      • Chris + Ernie

        At our age, we definitely aren’t moaning about being out in that pool of disrespectful and thirsty wackos. We are grateful for our current camaraderie and appreciate being able to having a loving, trusting partner and best friend to chill with, but when the testosterone heightens, effective communication on ways to play with respect and boundaries, as men, is essential in a gay relationship – especially when keeping the longevity in the relationship. We understand we aren’t old men with super low libido and that fantasies are fantasies for a reason. In that regard, we are a great match, but whatever works for each unique relationship.:)

  2. The online and social app dating experience is quite interesting. It reveals aspects of people’s personalities and character and raises questions about its effects on the community overall. Often overlooked are people’s personal issues. It sounds as if both are horrible communicators; one extremely rude. I think the other may have deleted the app; while it would have been courteous of him to express a sentiment of ‘goodbye,’ I think many often overlook this and solely think of themselves.

    • Absolutely, a nice goodbye would have been nice, but that’s probably asking for too much from someone you’ve chatted to once or twice. Will be interesting if I were to bump into either one when out and about in the area since they’re both locals.

  3. I’d never be brave enough to put myself through any of that. It’s like auditioning ALL THE TIME, EVERYDAY. Putting one’s self out there to be judged.
    If anything terrible happened and I ended up single again, I don’t know what I’d do because I’d definitely not go down the app path. I met my partner in the old days. We used to flirt in bars and clubs, buy drinks, invite people to dinner. It’s more natural, more organic. No automatic pressure to sleep with anyone. After all, I can accept a drink from a potential friend- and things can develop slowly. There might be a spark, there might not. I hate the idea of people choosing potential partners from a multiple choice screen. It can’t possibly be a good method for a long-term relationship. Right height, weight and penis size, let’s spend the rest of our lives together? It’s absurd.

    • I never thought about it that way, a constant audition.. with a casting couch from hell. LOL I know I do miss the days when you’d meet people when out or through friends, and you actually got a chance to get to know them.. not automatically be asked for or sent private pics. Miss the mystery of it all.

  4. Part of the problem with grindr is that it only allows you to see a limited number of users. Blocking people is the only way to change who you see and gain access to new people, so it becomes extremely common and results in the current grindr culture. An app full of 100 friendly neighbors is pretty much useless. Of course, this doesn’t make you feel any better when a guy you were talking to (or even dating) suddenly disappears, I just wanted to point out that at least some of it is due to the horrible nature of that app.

    • I have no problem people blocking me cause I’m not their type or whatever, it’s more the people who do it without any warning when you’ve been chatting.. and getting along or even planning on meeting up for a drink (or whatever). Oh well, as much as I moan about it, I still use the apps as well lol

  5. It’s a complicated matter, the whole dating, mating, baiting, game … I don’t think my experiences from meeting guys at parties and bars have been much better. Kissing the night away … and the next day completely ignored. Well … goodness, the whole party saw us leave together, so how in the Hades do I explain that? A painful memory. There’s just no easy way.

  6. aguywithoutboxers

    I think you summed it up nicely “…people to forget their manners, if they had any to begin with…”

    It’s sad to say that seems to be the case these days. Few, if any, people…whatever their gender attraction happens to be…have any sense of self-respect or are mindful of others. Aaron (BF) and I were discussing this several weeks ago with some of our friends. We witnessed an incident on the subway and were shocked at the behavior of two coworkers of mine towards a person using a red-tipped cane.

    As you wrote, if they act this way towards a relative stranger, then how would you be treated. You’re probably better off with them out of your life now before you waste any more energy on either of them.

    As always, much love and naked hugs! 🙂

    • Obviously I’m not sitting here feeling heartbroken about the whole thing, and it’s not the first time this has happened with guys on (or off) these apps. Was more the surprise that it happened with two different guys at the same time from the same area.

      And yes, bad manners these days definitely seems absolutely rampant all over the place. It’s like people have forgotten how to behave towards others in a manner that is respectful, instead of selfish and immature really.

      I know I always try to be polite, especially when replying to someone I’m not interested in.. but who knows, maybe there’s another blogger out there ranting about how I didn’t message them back. LOL

  7. Grindr sounds like a nightmare. When I was single years ago and cruising the malls for sex and potential relationship, I thought that was tough as some of the guys who declined me could be pretty snooty and brusque. But I think now I had it easier back then as I could immediately shrug it off and get on the escalator to a different floor for a different set of guys. No mindgames or what. Well sometimes they play hard to get too, but I find directly telling them I’d like to do them quickly cuts the chase, favourably or not.

    I’ve read of other apps like Growlr and Scruffr, that they tend to be bear-friendly? I wonder have you tried them? Cheers.

    • Oh of course I have used them, in fact I prefer them to Grindr. It just so happened these examples came from conversations on Grindr. I just find they don’t show many guys nearby, whereas Grindr does for whatever reason.

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