It Gets Better.. Unless You’re Fat

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Let’s be honest, it’s not easy being a fat gay man these days.  Especially not when the media and society dictates that you should look a certain way, with perfect abs, a gorgeous smile, and a head of hair enviable of pretty much everyone.  marlonteixeira1That you’re supposed to look like some Ken doll-like underwear model, and any deviation from that stereotype is considered social suicide.

What a load of bullshit, huh?  If everyone was meant to look alike, then we’d all be boring drones with nothing to do or say to one another.

But the crap thing is we’ve bought into this mind set and we spend our lives criticising others based on their appearance, be it friends or strangers.  And as much as you might say you don’t do it, you probably do it more than you realise.

I recently read an article on Buzzfeed via Facebook about this exact same topic.  About how if you’re fat and gay, you’re less likely to be included by the other gays, and you’ll probably be made fun of or made to feel bad about yourself regardless of how you look after yourself.

Click HERE to read the original article

The article was mostly about how degrading it is when people criticise you about your weight, as it if it’s such an easy thing to change.  And about how society seems to have accepted that it’s okay to criticise an overweight person, as if it’s helpful instead of hurtful.

Fat_ManBut when you wonder out loud why I can’t just lose some weight, you’re looking out for me. At least, that’s the perception. The hurtful degradation becomes socially sanctioned, because being fat is considered to be innately wrong.  And suddenly, otherwise good people feel no shame in condemning us fatties. It’s not bigotry if we deserve it.

Just like the author, I too have had people comment about my weight in regards to my looks.  That if I just ‘lost a few pounds’ or ‘tried a little harder’ then I would be so much better looking, or that it would be so much easier to find a boyfriend. Of course these people generally know nothing about my life or eating habits, so really have no right to make these comments.

And when you’ve grown up being the fat kid with low self-esteem who’s been working hard as an adult to become more confident and comfortable in your own skin, that really hurts.  As if your looks are the only thing that matters when it comes to finding friends or partners.  As if you’ll only be successful in life if you’re fit and good looking.

And it’s hard not to buy into that mentality sometimes..

ImageMake-Friends-Step-6Unfortunately, as interesting and insightful as the author was trying to be, it ended up coming across as a bit too whiney and I’m not writing about this to have a whinge myself.  As a friend pointed out when I posted the article link on Facebook:

‘..you make the best of it, you don’t wallow and go “wah none of the cool kids will touch me”, you realise the “cool” kids are arseholes and go find a circle of friends who like you for you..

And that’s the whole point, right?  Finding and surrounding yourself with people who accept you for being you, without it being all about how you look or if you fit into a certain stereotype.

And yeah, there are men out there who do like bigger guys, almost to a point where it’s a fetish, so perhaps there is some hope in the end.  Although if you ask me, I’d rather someone was with me (either as friends or otherwise) because I’m me, not because of my big belly or chunky butt.. but I suppose I’ll take what I can get.

As long as they like me for being me.  😀

Dont-ever-change-yourself-to-impress-someone

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10 thoughts on “It Gets Better.. Unless You’re Fat

  1. bigjewonadiet

    As an overweight gay person I can COMPLETELY related to this – brilliantly put and interesting to read. I shall be following 🙂

  2. I can relate to struggling to get out of low self-esteem as a kid, and unfortunately it still sneaks back sometimes. It’s fine when assholes called me fat, but when family and friends makes ‘wow you put on weight.’ practically the first thing they say when they see me, it stings/stinks big time.

    I remember that Buzzfeed article! (I can’t seem to get there clicking the link above. It’s okay for me though, I’ve read it before, but just to let you know.) It was a great honest read and so is this post. Thanks for this.

    • Yeah it definitely stings more when friends and family say that, especially if you’ve been feeling particularly good about yourself because it just tears you back down again. Makes you feel like all your hard work was for nothing.

      Odd that the link isn’t working. I’ll have to check it.. Thanks for letting me know.

  3. Doesnt just apply to gays though does it? Look at the crap skinny beauty myth that women have to live up to – assuming they choose to. When society expects you to shave every part of extraneous hair, wear high heels to emphasise your calf muscles and cripple you, clart your face full of toxic chemicals etc etc then you’ll know you have a problem. I’ve managed one of those, it’s the skinny/slim one, but only by default. Best to live within ourselves and not within the eyes of others (plagiarised quote from Rousseau)

    • Absolutely. Was thinking that myself, how the media has been this way towards women for decades and have now included men into their narrow minded views of how we should all look.

  4. According to BMI I’m obese, the only reason I’m attempting to lose a few kilos is to reduce my risk of developing type two diabetes on the advice of my doctor. Having said this we have a fantastic group called the Harbour City Bears in Sydney, they literally embrace the fuller figure and don’t exclude the twiggy of the population either.

    • Yeah there’s lots of bear groups here in London as well, and I’ve considered joining a few but not sure they’re really what I’m looking for at this time. I do occasionally go to a ‘bear bowling’ group and is fun, but most of the guys that go to it are already part of the same friend circle.

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