Being alone at Christmas can be absolutely depressing .. and I’m doing my best not to let it get to me.
Initially I was quite fine with spending today alone, but now that it’s actually here all I can think of is how alone I feel today. I’m sure I probably could have found someone to spend it with or somewhere to be today, but in the end I didn’t really have much of a desire to do so.
And I’m sure I’m not the only person out there who’s spending today alone..
Yes, there are several dear friends I would have loved to have spent today with (since my family is back in Canada, and I couldn’t afford to go home this year.. again), but they already had other plans with their families or were traveling to see their families. In fact, I didn’t even tell some of those friends who I knew were spending the day in the London/UK with their friends or families .. which of course prompted several messages of ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ or ‘You could have come here’.
The truth is, the last thing I’d want to do is to intrude on someone’s time with their loved ones. Christmas is a special time for a lot of people, and I only think it would make things somewhat awkward to have some stranger sitting at their table. Especially someone like me who’s never been a big fan of the day itself.
Or maybe I’m just over-thinking it or projecting my thoughts on it. Maybe I’m not understanding the whole ‘more the merrier’ attitude some people have around Christmas.
Or maybe I’m being selfish this year as I only wanted to do what I wanted to do, and not be subject to someone else’s timetable or ideas of how to spend Christmas.
The interesting thing is I know of many people in town who have gotten together for a ‘strays’ Christmas (can see it all over Facebook last night and this morning), but at no point did any of them suggest I join them. And I didn’t ask to be included either..
The way I look at it is if these mates (won’t call them friends really since I never hear from them during the rest of the year either..) wanted me to be with them at Christmas, then they would have invited me. Or at least I would hope they would have..
I think the other reason why I didn’t go out of my way to find somewhere to be today is how (in the UK) you’re basically stuck at that person’s house from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day because there’s absolutely no transport on Christmas Day itself, unless you’ve been lucky (and had the forethought) to book a taxi.
There was one friend I’d talked to about spending Christmas together awhile back as they couldn’t get the time off to go abroad to spend it with their family as they usually did. We said we’d discuss it closer to Christmas and arrange something.. but when I brought it up a week or two ago, they had already made other plans… and didn’t seem to recall that we’d previously talked about spending the day together.
And I did have an invite to spent today with a mate and his partner, as they weren’t traveling home to see the partner’s family as they usually did. The thing is, this ‘mate’ is a fuck-buddy, and although his partner knows we play (they’re open), I just felt that would have been too uncomfortable.. for me.
So instead I decided to just stay home .. And try to treat today just like any other day.
Easier said than done really.. especially with all those damn cheery Facebook status updates and pictures of people enjoying their loved ones.
If only I could stop looking .. and stop wishing I was there with them.
*Sigh* Maybe next year..