Common Relationship Mistakes Gay Men Make

Link

A friend of mine posted a link to this article on Facebook awhile back, and it got me thinking that as gay men we need to start taking our relationships more seriously.  gay couple on beach

However, I’m in no way stating this is the end all be all of gay relationships as that is too generic and all encompassing statement.

Each relationship is different and unique, and one simple list of supposed ‘rules’ could never encompass every relationship.  And some relationships work just fine the way the are, but wouldn’t work for another couple because of the individual needs of those involved.

Click HERE for the original article

We all want to have a great relationship regardless of our orientation but some of us just don’t know how to keep one.  Or is that just a myth about gay relationships?

According to the article, here are the common ‘mistakes’ gay men supposedly make in their relationships (click the link above to get the original author’s take on these items.. below are my own).

Open Relationships

Personally looking at it from a single person’s point of view, I do find it somewhat greedy of these partnered guys to always be out on the prowl for some fun.. It makes it harder (I find) to find other singles who’d potentially want to date or more if there’s an attraction when it seems 2 out of 3 profiles online are partnered guys.

threesomeIt truly saddens me that this is so prevalent in our community.  Whatever happened to being happy with the person you’re with?  Or is the adage about gay men constantly being on the lookout for someone better, cuter, sexier, better in bed, etc true?  I know there are gay couples out there who are truly monogamous, but am I the only one who thinks that’s more of a minority than it should be?

I understand that open relationships do work for some couples depending on whatever their circumstances are or what ground rules they’ve put in place for each other.  However by being so open it can open your relationship to certain problems like falling in love with someone else, bringing home an STI, or perhaps even a breakdown of the relationship itself.  I’m in no way being judgmental of anyone in a happy (?) open relationship, this is just my take on it.

Neediness

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, this is always a killer.  I know, as I’ve been told several times that I come across too needy when I find a guy I like even just a little bit.  Even when I try extra hard to keep myself in control sometimes..

clingyOf course for me I believe it’s because I’ve never been in an actual relationship so I subconsciously try to move things towards what I want instead of just enjoying things for what they are.  I try to, but fail miserably.  LOL

I suppose this is all about being independent in your relationship and ensuring you maintain your own voice without losing yourself in the relationship.  I can imagine it could be quite easy to become completely submissive to another’s ideas of how things are going to go without making your own ideas known.  It’s all about maintaining your own life and identity without completely submersing yourself in the relationship, regardless of how far along it is.

Arguing

I honestly thought it was a healthy thing to have constructive arguments in a relationship?  I would think that as long as you can each make your point about something while always being willing to actually listen to the other person’s point of view, that this would be a good thing in a relationship, as no two people will always agree 100% about everything in their relationship.Self attack

Of course saying that, I think this is more about not sweating the small stuff and regularly having a big blown up shouting match over something that truly doesn’t matter.  And definitely don’t say things you’ll regret later on, as this will just make things worse in the long run.  Words hurt and can sometimes cut deeper than actions.

Being with someone for comfort (money, favours, apartment, etc)

Ahhh.. the good old ‘gold-digger’ and ‘sugar-daddy’ scenario.  I know it still happens in this day and age, but is it really that big a deal in breaking up gay relationships?

I would think this is more about ensuring you’re both equals in the relationship, both personally and financially.  Sure, one person may earn more money than the other, but as long as it’s not held over the other’s head or used as a lever to gain their own way, it shouldn’t be that big a factor in a relationship.  Be with each other because you love each other, not because of some need for financial stability.

Going to the club together

I can see why the original author put this on the list, as going out together could potentially lead one or both guys to temptation.  But is there really anything wrong with wanting a night out clubbing once in awhile with your partner and possibly some friends?

img_0022Gay bars and clubs have become a massive part of how we socialise as gay men, though I do agree it’s not a great place for some quality time with your partner.  For that, do something special for just the two of you obviously.

Of course it all depends on your relationship and what sort of trust level there is between you.  If you’ve got a partner who’s known for his roving eyes (and hands and other parts…), then of course a night at the clubs wouldn’t be a good idea as you’d constantly be wondering who’s he’s checking out.. or chatting up while you’re at the bar or in the toilet.

Putting your relationship status on Facebook

Really?  Is this really such a massive problem in relationships, gay or otherwise?  I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with letting your friends know you’re in a relationship (though if they’re truly your friends, they shouldn’t need Facebook to find this information out).

I can understand how this could be potentially harming to a relationship when one is pushing the other to change their Facebook status, but that’s more down to the other person potentially not being ready to commit or display that commitment.  Some guys are just more private with those sort of things, and shouldn’t feel pressure to do otherwise.

Not allowing your boyfriend to go out with friends

Now this I definitely agree with 100%.  There’s nothing worse than a possessive boyfriend who wants you to spend all your free time with them.  Each person in the relationship should be able to maintain their own lives, as well as a life with each other.  You don’t have to be joined at the hip all the time, and just like with several of the above areas, it’s all about mutual trust.

Let’s be honest, no matter how good your relationship is, sometimes you just want some time with your mates without your partner.  And that’s healthy I think.  Too often people get into a new relationship and tend to drop all their old mates or stop keeping in touch.  Even when you’re in a relationship you still need your friends to be there for you, and vice versa.  Friends are friends, regardless of your relationship status

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7 thoughts on “Common Relationship Mistakes Gay Men Make

  1. Excellent Article and I like how you see relationships.

    The way I see it, open relationships are not for me. You cannot just have sex without forming some kind of a bond, mentally physically etc And then first time sex is awkward, so what’s the point. Is it the quest to keep seeing what other penises are around. To me after a long term relationship you should know what the other person likes sexually and what you like. I actually just don’t get it. I also don’t get 3 threesomes etc if you are in a relationship.

    We are all needy, but that wants a relationship ships means. Accepting the other person. Now on arguing I think it’s very unhealthy, reason being is that the majority of arguments is trying for each person to prove they are right. Big deal. William and I use to argue a lot, but then I also treated him like a teenager, in a away always telling him off. Very unhealthy. We now argue of lots less and sometimes agree to disagree. It’s a hard adaption.

    I often go out on my own to do shopping, visit friends visit my family on my own. William does the same. We are not joined at the hip. The only rule is we both never get home after 7. But on weekends we generally are both at home and seldom go out. I don’t have to entertain him or him me, but we like being in the same space. William is not a very talkative person so I have learnt to accept that and he accepts me for always doing projects and what ever I do. We are very different.

    Money now in the gay village lets be honest, the glitz and glamour and need for label clothes, certain cars, etc in actually the norm. More so in the gay village than in other relationships. We all like nice things, however it certainly does not change who we are. The way I see this is, depend ending on circumstances certain people actually go after money to get them selves out of home or to get an education, stability etc. but the daddy syndrome is big in the gay village. From my view point , we are living in a generation that are purely motivated by money. Not all but a lot of the younger people who work for me just want huge salaries but take no responsibility. Your other point about one partner having more financial means than the other, could or does complicate a relationship.
    William and I come very different backgrounds, I without sounding arrogant, come from a privileged background. So money was a problem. We moved into my HOME, we were surrounded by my stuff etc etc.

    However after nearly 3 years we bought a house together. He consigned for the house, the mortgage, and we split the property into a 50 50 % share. We also have one bank account. It was not easy, however William does earn very good money in his profession. So he never felt that he was a kept man. He contributed to the house, holidays, and we have worked out our issues. He is the sole beneficiary of my/our estate. And me the same. William has a very healthy relationship now about money and that has helped us to not focus on the wrong aspects of life. I am on his health insurance and we have one home and household insurance policy. So it’s very much a team thing.balanced scales and also not taking away each persons masculinity, individuality but trying the best to be equals. He’ll it’s hard sometimes.

    Facebook, what the point of telling all and sundry about a very private relationship. But it’s all personal.

    Relationships are very very complicated and as William and myself do have citizenship to the Gay Village it harder. What we did do when we bought the house is do a partnership agreement, like a civil partnership agreement. I hate the word marriage but it’s in essence the same. It’s a legal agreement, but also a commitments that we both signed up for. No guarantees but I think if you try each day to respect the person, and loose the need to be right and leave your ego at the front door, maybe it helps.

    Lastly a healthy sex life is good, and if you choice to be in a relationship with that person, don’t think it’s greener on the other side. Maybe we as human always want to keep our options open.

    Ivan

  2. Great post…so many thoughts I’ll hold on to, for when or if I find myself in a relationship, and what I like is, most if not all….is common sense, yet at the same time, not thinking it’ll easy to do.

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