Joys of ‘Dating’ at 40


After writing my recent post about turning 40 back at the end of June, I somehow got to reading this article about dating for the over-40 gay man.  It got me thinking about my own dating habits and love life.. or lack thereof to be more precise.

I had a few issues with the article itself (was originally written back in 2007), especially around how they kept calling 40 and above ‘middle aged’, but in the end I think it’s heart was in the right place.  It was very much about being confident and going after what you want in life, something everyone should do regardless of their age.

Click here to read the full article

For the most part, the gay culture objectifies youth and fit muscular men, making those who don’t fit into a specific mold feel like they’re on the outside looking in.  That if you don’t look a certain way, then there’s no way in hell you’ll find love or find a fulfilling social life.

Oh.. I wanna cuddle too..

Oh.. I wanna cuddle too..

And the sad thing is, we all buy into this garbage even as we ‘say’ we reject that mentality.

It is a vicious cycle that isn’t so easy to get away from.

For me, I’ve found it especially difficult because of the type of guys I actually find attractive – fit, muscular, masculine guys.  The problem?  Most of them only go for guys that look like themselves.  I’m not talking about some muscled god or anything, just someone who takes care of themselves and has a nice figure.

Now the types of guys that generally hit on me?  Well, a lot of them look like me to be honest – a ‘bear’ – or are just completely unattractive to me personally.  It honestly would make things so much easier if I was attracted to chubby, hairy, chunky guys (though there are the odd exceptions).. but I’m not.  (I call these ‘lesbian bears’ , with no offense meant to actual lesbians lol).beary breakfast

I also get chasers who hit on me because they’re attracted to big chunky (read: fat) guys, which is fine and all, but I’m more interested in someone who’s attracted to me as a person not solely because I have a belly or a big booty.  LOL

Of course that isn’t a bad thing really, except all I seem to attract are guys who are already partnered or are just looking for friends with benefits and to keep things casual.  It’s amazing how many people out there seem to be totally adverse to getting to know someone on a personal level and seeing if anything comes of it.

Ok, so there’s been a few times I’ve gotten attached to guys who said they were only looking for something casual, and that little attachment makes them run for the hills and cut me out of their lives regardless of the connection between us.  But yet somehow they end up in a relationship within a couple months with someone else.  Interesting..

Several friends of mine (most notably my mate ‘P’ in Scotland) say I just seem to meet the wrong types of guys, that I’m only meeting users and assholes.  Maybe I have a big sign on my forehead that says ‘use me’ or something.  LOL

But how can a person change the type of guy they’re meeting when it seems all the good and nice guys are already taken?  Cliched I know, but is still true nonetheless.

As it is, I tend to stay away from the gay scene in London with only the occasional night out with a mate.  And when I do go out with a mate, I stick with them throughout the night.  I won’t go cruising the place trying to find some trick, because I’m not out for that.man_at_bar

Since I don’t go out cruising in the bars (hate going by myself) that leaves online dating, if you can call it that.. And that’s a whole other kettle of fish filled with headless torsos, blurry pictures, guys thousands of miles away, way too many guys in supposedly amazing relationships but still looking to play (greedy buggers lol), and people who seem to chat endlessly about possibly meeting up, but then disappear when you suggest actually doing it.  Not to mention those who blatantly lie on their profiles.

Anyway, I wish things were as easy as the aforementioned article seems to make it, that it’s a simple thing to change how you approach dating and meeting someone new.  That if you work hard enough and have a clear enough vision of what you want, then it’ll happen no problem.

Seems a bit simplistic to me, though parts of it are quite encouraging and makes me want to keep trying despite my disappointing track record.

So.. What’s worked for you guys when you’re dating/looking for a relationship?  Any tricks you could share?

5 thoughts on “Joys of ‘Dating’ at 40

  1. ivansblogworld

    Hi. Mr Ramblings. This is honestly one of the best posts I have read in awhile. Honest, no hidden meaning and you did not sugar coat the facts. The whole gay culture is very strange, and the bear sub gay culture I don’t understand. I am not judging I just have no experience with bears. Yes we are obsessed with our looks and bodies. Now nothing wrong with that, but to what extreme. Tricks or one night stands are acceptable, or are they maybe not. A bonk is not what you are looking for. So were does that leave you, well the way I see it. Not alone. Plenty of people are looking for what you are. William says you fall in lust then fall in love slowly with someone when you get to know them. At that point you also get to know the good bad and ugly and yourself and the other person. Are we obsessed with sex, and not relationships. So don’t give up and thanks again for an amazing read. Hope the first day went well. Ivan

    • Thanks Ivan!! I’m already writing up a post about my first day at the new job.. 🙂

      I guess the thing with the gay ‘scene’ is there are different things for different people, and each person can choose how they want to live their lives or which part they want to be a part of.. which is good. Though personally I think the guys looking for relationships or boyfriends are hiding somewhere else cause I’ve never been able to find them LOL

      • ivansblogworld

        When you least expect it.. That’s what happened to me me one Monday evening 11 years back. He’ll I feel old now… Keep the faith Ivan

  2. I hate turning guys down.. Especially a friend or a really sweet guy. I never really know what to say to make it hurt less.So what are some tips..or things to keep in mind when turning someone down?

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