Those who’ve been popping by my blog fairly regularly have probably noticed a distinct lack of posts in the past few weeks.
Well, without meaning to, I’ve taken a it of a break.. This was neither planned nor desired to be honest.
I had ideas of what I wanted to write about, but couldn’t bring myself to actually put pen to paper.. or in my case, fingers to keyboard.
Most of the issues I’m having in real life easily stem from my lack of work.. and the anxiety, depression and lack of self-esteem that comes along with it. As it stands right now, I’m now in my 9th month of unemployment.. And I have no clue when this will end.
And end it has to, one way or another, because I can’t keep going on like I am. Due to a lack of income, I have no life and am constantly scrounging to save as many pennies as I can. I could go into further detail about my financial issues, but I’d rather not. Some things should stay private, I think.
Because of these feelings I’ve been having over the past while, I went and saw my doctor who ended up prescribing me something to help my moods and feelings of hopelessness.
And it is this prescription that has been making me feel completely .. flat. In the 3+ weeks I’ve been on this medication, I can honestly say I feel absolutely no passion or desire for anything I actually enjoy, and instead spend most days just marking time, waiting for something to happen, like a call about a job.
Not much of a life, if you ask me.
And don’t get me started on how it’s completely killed my sex drive. 😦
But when I went for a follow up the other day, the doctor decided that perhaps feeling ‘flat’ was better than always feeling down… and extended the prescription for another couple months.
The only other suggestion she gave was to exercise more as this will help me feel better.. Which I was expecting after I noticed a fairly significant look from her at my belly. As if losing a bit of weight will solve my job issues..
I don’t know.. perhaps some exercise would be a good thing, weight aside. It would at least give me a reason to get out of the house on a regular basis. And there are only so many times you can just ‘go for a walk’.
As it stands right now, I barely leave the flat at all these days.. mostly cause I generally just have nowhere to be. My few good friends are well aware of my financial issues, so tend to not invite me out anymore. Which leaves me sitting at home doing nothing all day, every day.
Or when they do invite me out, I feel bad.. like I’m a charity case or something. I’m probably over thinking their reasons for buying me a drink or having me over for dinner..
I do try to get out for a bit every couple days, usually to just sit in the park and read or down by the Thames River. I know there are free things you can do in London.. but it’s not as fun by yourself, especially if you’re limited to something within walking distance so you don’t spend money on transport.
It’s been a very very long time since I’ve found myself in this kind of situation, probably close to 10 years now.
I just really need for this to change asap.. I want to get back to living my life, the way I want to live it. To have that freedom of being able to go to the movies or out for dinner and now having to worry if it’ll ruin my budget for the week/month.
I really need to get back to just being me again.