When Will This End…


Those who’ve been popping by my blog fairly regularly have probably noticed a distinct lack of posts in the past few weeks.

Well, without meaning to, I’ve taken a it of a break.. This was neither planned nor desired to be honest.

writers-blockI just couldn’t think of anything to write about.  Or more accurately, I didn’t have the drive or desire to write about stuff going on at the moment.

I had ideas of what I wanted to write about, but couldn’t bring myself to actually put pen to paper.. or in my case, fingers to keyboard.

Most of the issues I’m having in real life easily stem from my lack of work.. and the anxiety, depression and lack of self-esteem that comes along with it.  As it stands right now, I’m now in my 9th month of unemployment.. And I have no clue when this will end.

And end it has to, one way or another, because I can’t keep going on like I am.  Due to a lack of income, I have no life and am constantly scrounging to save as many pennies as I can.  I could go into further detail about my financial issues, but I’d rather not.  Some things should stay private, I think.

Because of these feelings I’ve been having over the past while, I went and saw my doctor who ended up prescribing me something to help my moods and feelings of hopelessness.

And it is this prescription that has been making me feel completely .. flat.  In the 3+ weeks I’ve been on this medication, I can honestly say I feel absolutely no passion or desire for anything I actually enjoy, and instead spend most days just marking time, waiting for something to happen, like a call about a job.

Not much of a life, if you ask me.

And don’t get me started on how it’s completely killed my sex drive.  😦

But when I went for a follow up the other day, the doctor decided that perhaps feeling ‘flat’ was better than always feeling down… and extended the prescription for another couple months.

The only other suggestion she gave was to exercise more as this will help me feel better.. Which I was expecting after I noticed a fairly significant sad-man-2look from her at my belly.  As if losing a bit of weight will solve my job issues..

I don’t know.. perhaps some exercise would be a good thing, weight aside.  It would at least give me a reason to get out of the house on a regular basis.  And there are only so many times you can just ‘go for a walk’.

As it stands right now, I barely leave the flat at all these days.. mostly cause I generally just have nowhere to be.  My few good friends are well aware of my financial issues, so tend to not invite me out anymore.  Which leaves me sitting at home doing nothing all day, every day.

Or when they do invite me out, I feel bad.. like I’m a charity case or something.  I’m probably over thinking their reasons for buying me a drink or having me over for dinner..

I do try to get out for a bit every couple days, usually to just sit in the park and read or down by the Thames River.  I know there are free things you can do in London.. but it’s not as fun by yourself, especially if you’re limited to something within walking distance so you don’t spend money on transport.

reading on bench*Sigh*

It’s been a very very long time since I’ve found myself in this kind of situation, probably close to 10 years now.

I just really need for this to change asap.. I want to get back to living my life, the way I want to live it.  To have that freedom of being able to go to the movies or out for dinner and now having to worry if it’ll ruin my budget for the week/month.

I really need to get back to just being me again.

*fingers crossed*

15 thoughts on “When Will This End…

  1. Twice in my life I was unemployed-both times for extended periods like your present situation. Much like yourself I faulted “me” and fell deep in a hole of depression. Remind yourself your fortune will reverse eventually. We are resilient little buggers!

    • Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know this won’t last forever, but sometimes isn’t easy to remember that.. Am definitely more than ready to bounce back up again lol

  2. ivansblogworld

    I really can associate with this posting. Last year I was unemployed for a very shorter period, but I also got very down… Keep the faith. Ivan

  3. aguywithoutboxers

    Even though I haven’t been in your job situation, I hope this post helped you in some way. Sometimes, writing is therapeutic (at least, for me). I do wish you all the best and please, keep on writing! Much love and naked hugs!

    • Thanks mate 🙂 I generally do love to use writing as a way to express my feelings and order my thoughts.. sometimes it helps, sometimes doesn’t, but is still therapeutic in other ways as well.

  4. I can totally relate to this post. I have been looking for months also and the most difficult part is not knowing when it will end. I know that it will end at some point, but like you I am anxious to get back to having a “normal life”. Hang in there. It will get better.

  5. I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you don’t mind me telling you about my experience of this. You’re not alone, as you can see. Many people have felt like you, including me. Unemployment can get you down, but don’t let it win. A great aspect of blogging is that you realise you’re part of a community, a group of people who have experienced what you have and understand it. When I felt low, it wasn’t medication that helped. It just made me feel like a zombie. No, what I needed, and what I think all doctors should recommend before automatically suggesting pills is CBT. Ask your doctor about it. I believe pills should be used merely to keep people going until they can address the root cause of their feelings with talking therapies. A while ago I seriously considered becoming a therapist myself. Why address the symptoms without addressing the cause? It’s all about interpretation. It’s not about what happens to you. It’s about what you do with what happens to you. Being unemployed was the reason I started my blog. It gave me something postiive to focus on, an outlet. I’d recommend exercise as well, I planned my day and this made me feel great. Jobhunting in the morning and a good run in the afternoon.

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