Growing Up (or Older Depending on Point of View)

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turning 40I realised something kinda scary the other day… that in about 100 days I’ll be turning 40. 😦

How the fuck did that happen?!?  Where has all the time gone??

You’d think that by the time you turn 40, you would be settled as a person.  Home, job, career, love, what have you..  The usual grown up things I suppose.

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But I’ll be honest, I don’t really feel like someone who’s about to turn 40.. or at least I don’t most days.  Most days I feel like some overgrown kid who’s still into a bit of Sci-Fi, fantasy and superheros, while still kind of living like a student.

But then there are those days when the years creep up on me and I can feel the past 4 decades (?!?) pressing down on me, especially when the stress of life catches up to me.

Or when I have to walk up several flights of stairs.  😉

This has been especially true over the past week or so (the stress, not the stairs lol) thanks to all the trouble I’ve been having finding work and getting through life on such a limited budget.

Fun times.. not.

But the whole thing – the lack of work and the issues with finances – has got me wondering when did life get so complicated?  How did it get so stressful and focused on having certain things in life?  Or is it us who’ve made it like this?

reliving childhoodThinking back to my early 20’s .. sure I had my fair share of ups and downs, we all did.  But I can’t honestly say whether it was just as stressful then as it is now… Does that even make any sense?

I don’t know.. maybe it was a simpler time mostly because at that age I had different expectations for the immediate future.  Life was more about having cheap fun, getting pissed, and hanging with the friends I’d made once I finally came out of the closet.  Life seemed so much fun and carefree back then, even if it was such a small town life.

Or at least it always seemed like it was.

But I honestly don’t know if I would want to go back to that life knowing what I do now then.  It’s a scenario we’ve all thought about.. and in a way, it could sort of happen.

With the financial and job issues I’m having at the moment, it’s been suggested by several people, including my parents, that I could move back to Canada.  Which would potentially mean back to my little home town (at least to start off with) where there’s no social life for the gay man really.. Most definitely isn’t as open there as it is here in London.

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But that wouldn’t be the issue.  To me, and this is probably my pride talking, I would feel like a failure if I ‘had’ to move back to Canada as if I’d somehow failed at living my life here.  And I’ll be honest, I truly do want to live here in the UK.  Maybe not in London perhaps, but I feel like I need to be here in the UK right now.

I don’t think I’d be any better off being there compared to here.  I’d still be unemployed with no money to live life.

I’ve been an extremely independent person for as long as I can remember, mostly relying on myself for help when things went tits-up.  Turning to friends and family for advice when you need it is part of life, but at almost 40 years old, aren’t I a bit too old to be running home to Mommy and Daddy when life isn’t going well for me?

Or I could just be over-analyzing it all, and need to continue to be patient.  I’m sure a job will come along soon.. it’s just a matter of whether I can survive financially until then.

Fingers crossed everyone.

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One thought on “Growing Up (or Older Depending on Point of View)

  1. aguywithoutboxers

    I’m not far behind you in years, my blogging brother! I am consoled by the fact that I’ll never be as “old” as you are! ;-). A very astute and accurate observation. Nice work! BTW: an early “Happy Birthday” wish. I thought I’d get it out to you know and avoid the last minute rush! 🙂

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