I can honestly say I have no clue what the hell is going on with me lately. I have zero energy and no desire to really do anything these days.
And when I do want to do something, I want it to be low-key with somewhere to sit. My legs and back have just been killing me lately, and standing around a pub for a couple hours or walking around town isn’t exactly very comfortable for me at the moment.
I know a part of this is feeling really fat and sluggish .. I can’t seem to stop eating these days, and I keep gaining weight. And I can’t seem to get the energy to go for walks or do something active to burn off some calories.
But I think it’s also that I just really don’t care anymore… It just seems like I can’t be bothered to do anything fun these days, as if some part of me has completely shut down.
Or maybe I’m just bored of doing the same things over and over again. But, I have found that even when I do something different or go somewhere new over the past little while, I just haven’t cared. There’s no thrill or excitement.
This weekend has been a prime example. Here in the UK, we’ve had a 4 day weekend for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, which included a boat parade down the Thames, a concert in St James Park, as well as tons of neighborhood parties throughout the UK.
So you’d think, having 4 days off work and all the celebrations going on, that I would be in party mood. Nope. Instead all I wanted to do was sleep or curl up with a book.. or if the weather had been nice, head down to Brighton for a relaxing day on the beach. But of course I didn’t do any of that..
Instead I forced myself to go out, be sociable and try to have a bit of fun. And I really did try, but everything just felt.. blah.
I went out with the ‘daddies (the couple I rent from) on Friday night to RVT, which was ok.. We’re not super sociable at home as it is, so didn’t say much when we were out. I stayed there when they left to go to Tonker at the Eagle like everyone else.. and the place was shut by 1am as it was completely empty.
I was a complete shut-in on Saturday, but on Sunday I got a message from my friend ‘E’ to join him and his friends to watch the Royal Flotilla (or whatever it was called) in Chelsea… And it was obvious he’d read what I’d written in my last post on Saturday night. I didn’t mind.. it was nice to be included by someone with their circle of friends for once.
(Yes, that is actually the Queen in white.. sorry for the bad quality pic.. my iPhone can only zoom and focus so much)
Then on both Sunday and Monday evenings, I did a bit of pub-hopping with my friend ‘C’ in Soho. We get along pretty well, so is always nice to hang out though I did have to force myself to go out both days. Sunday we got to catch the last bit of ‘Rock & Roll Bingo’ at the Admiral Duncan while doing our best to avoid the rain, and on Monday we got to the Kings Arms just in time for the last of the karaoke as part of the street party.
Both days I again just felt blah and didn’t feel like I had a lot to talk about. Once we’d discussed certain things going on in our lives, it was like there was nothing else to talk about, which is not like us at all. Usually we can chat for hours about nothing.
Usually when I’m out in Soho (especially at the Welly), I’m checking out the guys while holding up a conversation with whomever I’m with. This weekend though, I just felt ‘there’.. like I was going through the motions cause I knew how the evening would end with me going home alone on the bus. Like there was no point in it all.
I literally feel like I’ve given up on even living life itself, not just finding someone to fall in love with .. or at least spend time with. I’ve had zero interest in sex for weeks now, and can’t even be bothered if I never have sex again.
Everything has started to feel like it’s not even worth doing, and that bothers me. I’d rather sit in front of my computer staring at the screen, not doing much, than actually living life.
Or maybe I’m just biding time until something interesting happens, like my birthday at the end of the month when ‘P’ and I are going to Brighton for the bear weekend. Or someone new and interesting comes into my life.. or something. I have no clue.
On top of it, I’m finding a lot of people I’ve been introduced to lately uninteresting and completely up their own arses. Why would I want to interact with people who thinks it’s funny and justified to make other people feel bad about themselves (yes ‘C’, I’m talking about your extremely rude friend ‘O’..).
I wish I knew what I was waiting for, or what I could do to jump-start things again.. or at least to start caring about things again.