At what point does sex between friends harm the friendship itself?
I’ve started to ask myself this question recently, though it is a thought that’s always been in the back of my mind
Up until a few years back, probably during the last couple years living in Montreal, the line between friendship and sex started to blur with a couple people and, in some instances, it made the friendship complicated. I’d always previously prided myself that I’d never slept with any of my friends and kept the two mutually exclusive.
I’ve always been open with the fact that I’ve never had an actual relationship and how much this has affected me emotionally (past post), but lately I’ve started to wonder if this desire for something more is clouding my judgement towards friendship, and is potentially ruining what could be some great friendships with sex.
Could I be pushing things too much towards what I’m looking for, and effectively be pushing them away from the friendship itself thus creating the loneliness and lack of a social circle/support network I also crave (past post)?
I have some friends in my life who I’ve either initially met on a date or shag and we’ve become friends over time. Doesn’t always work out that way though..
Take my friend ‘P’ for instance. We initially met in person back in December 2008 (past post) after chatting online for a month or two thinking things could potentially go somewhere, but after spending a few days together in Edinburgh we became friends instead. And are now really close friends to this day. In fact every summer we take some time off to spend our birthdays together (2 days apart), and are very much a part of each others daily lives regardless if we don’t live in the same city.
Obviously I’m very lucky that things turned out the way they did with ‘P’ and I’m grateful everyday that I know I can turn to him when I need someone to talk to, and vice versa.
But then I look at my friendship with ‘C’ who I was kind of seeing awhile back. He wasn’t looking for anything other than friends or something casual, which was fine except I got attached causing him to break things off because he didn’t want that. And of course, as per my track record, within a couple months he got a boyfriend and I jealously wondered why it wasn’t me. We stopped talking altogether after I made a snarky comment on Facebook regarding his new relationship.. oops.
It took awhile but eventually we started hanging out as friends but have fallen back into bed with each other a couple times (he’s single again). At the same time though, whenever he tells me about a new ‘friend’ he’s goes out with, I still get that hit of jealousy even though I no longer see him as a potential relationship. Bizarre how old feelings come to the surface when you no longer feel them for that person, but still try to be there for each other emotionally as friends.
Of course, it doesn’t always end in an actual friendship.. A few years back I was seeing ‘S’ (past post), and despite about a 10 year age gap (he was younger), we got along really well.. Until he wanted something more despite being closeted and a devout Muslim, and I wasn’t willing to go back in the closet for him. After we stopped seeing each, we tried to hang out a couple times and be friends, but it felt a bit too uncomfortable. I’m still very much attracted to him, but as he said to me recently we can only be friends as we’ve tried being more before and it didn’t work.
That’s a very mature attitude for someone younger.. A lot of guys out there would jump back into bed in a second.
It does make me think that maybe I do tend to sexualize the guys I meet too much and look for something with them that can never be there, even if there was a potential for it previously.
Or that maybe I’m not as emotionally mature as I’d like to think I am. Damn.