Gay Monogamy


More and more I wonder if monogamy is an outdated concept in the gay world.

I regularly see profiles on chat sites like Bearwww or Eurowoof where guys ‘say’ they’re in committed, loving relationships.. but are also looking for some fun on the side.

Or better yet, the profiles that say they’re only online to keep in contact with friends and mates, but they’ve got a bunch of cock or ass shots.  If you’re only after friends, why do you need nude pics of yourself online?  Since when is how you look naked a prerequisite of friendship?

And don’t get me started on the couples looking for a third or other couples to play with.  That’s just a whole other thing.

I’m not judging these guys at all.  Sometimes I wonder if I was in a committed relationship if I wouldn’t want it to be an open one as well.. but at the same time, the hopeless romantic in me would want it to be completely committed, meaning no playing on the side.

I’ve been chatting with this one guy ‘J’ who’s been in a committed relationship for 12 years and they’ve got 2 daughters with a lesbian couple.  When I asked him about why he was looking for a bit of fun, he said him and his partner no longer have sex.. so I asked why be in the relationship then?  He replied it was about commitment, companionship, love, and so on.

It got me thinking about why some people would rather stay in a sex-less relationship instead of going through the headache of being single again.  I suppose for some they’d rather stay with what they know instead of being single and having the worry about never finding someone again.

Though to hear some committed guys talk, us singletons have all the fun and we should never bother with a relationship.

Really?  How are we having all the fun when it seems all the partnered guys are out there having more fun then us single guys? I know of some partnered guys who get laid more outside their relationship than I do, and I’m single.

I suppose when you’re in a relationship and looking for fun on the side there’s less pressure or expectations than there would be if you were single.  I guess you’d be more relaxed about it because at the end of the day you’d still have someone to go home to at night.

It definitely makes being single and looking for dates or whatnot a bit more difficult when you have to wade through these playing partnered guys.  Even putting on your profile (like I have) ‘Single guys only‘ doesn’t seem to stop them from messaging you.

The again, according to this post, you’ll be eternally single if you’re fat… but that’s a whole other discussion for another day.

I’m not opposed to a bit of fun here and there with a partnered guy, but it usually leaves me feeling a bit empty as I know, regardless of our connection, there won’t be anything more than just sex with them or a ‘friend with benefits’.  So I obviously try to avoid it whenever I can.

Oh.. I wanna cuddle too..

Surprisingly though, this past Saturday night I was out for drinks with my friend ‘A’ who’s been in a relationship for 7 or 8 years, and they’re completely committed to each other.. no playing on the side at all.  Now I think this is amazing to hear that there are still some guys out there willing to be monogamous to each other (and I told him as much)..

But it didn’t stop me from flirting with him all night.  Nothing happened of course, but I couldn’t help myself.. he’s just really cute. lol

Maybe because I’ve never been in a committed relationship I find it harder to understand where these guys are coming from, and truly don’t have the slightest clue as to what it’s actually like to be in their situation.

Maybe I will understand.. one of these days. :-/

6 thoughts on “Gay Monogamy

  1. Interesting post! Nice to find your blog. I’m Steven, and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for 8 amazing years. His uncle has been with his partner for over 10 years now, also monogamous. We are good friends with 2 other gay couples: one has been together for 4 years, and the other for over 15.
    So while I think that monogamy isn’t necessarily the overwhelming majority among our people, I think it’s much more common than many people believe. As I think about it, literally all of my friends are in relationships with nothing on the side. I’m really struggling to think of people I know who play around.
    In any case, just thought I’d throw that out there. Hope you have a great day.

    • Hi Steven, thanks so much for your comment!
      It’s terrific to hear about you and your partner’s commitment to each other, as well as those around you. It definitely warms my heart to hear there are people out there who do take a relationship and the commitment for what it is, a commitment.
      I think it all depends on your life and your circle of friends.. I know some monogamous couples who only hang out with other couples, so the likelihood of knowing more committed couples would rise… whereas when you’re single (per my findings that is) I generally only meet those looking for a bit on the side.
      Ok, maybe I’m a bit cynical lol Joys of my life I suppose hahaha

  2. I personally don’t like to frame things in such strict lines. The concept of monogamy as promoted in bourgeois society was basically a way to guarantee a man’s heirs were of his bloodline. Monogamy was expected of women, but certainly not of men.
    I think as LGBT people we can formulate our own definitions. Definitions that better apply to real life, real problems, real relationships.
    My partner (of over 10 years) and I, have experimented with an open relationship, with monogamy, with trios, with only going out together, with going out apart, with a DADT policy on extra-marital activities etc… etc… In the end we found a system that works well for us and is based on our needs and desires 😉

    • That’s terrific to hear you and your partner have found something that works for you guys.. Can totally say I’m totally jealous. 🙂
      To be honest, I think the idea of monogamy or open relationships or what have you can only be decided by those within the relationship, and not necessarily by society as a whole. I was more struck by how different the idea of being committed can be so radically different for different couples.
      Guess there’s always room for interpretation, huh? 😉

  3. A great post. The topic of monogamy is such a provocative one. As many have commented here, it means a little something different to everyone. Being in a committed relationship for over 15 years, and being much older than you, it has been the only way I can approach a relationship. Patience. Often things happen when you least expect them. Again, I enjoy your blog and will begin to follow it.

  4. Dan

    I happened to come across this post somewhat accident, but I’m glad I did. I’ve been with my partner for 13 years. Out relationship is and always has been monogamous. Unfortunately, being a monogamous couple has put us in a grey area in the community. Most of the single guys we’ve been friends with would eventually proposition one of us which would end the friendship. Most of the couples we befriended, would say they were monogamous but one really wasn’t and the other didn’t know. Since I don’t like liars or being one by not telling the partner who didn’t know, the friendship would dissolve. I’m a talker so a little harmless flirting wasn’t an issue. All we really wanted were honest friends who wouldn’t grab one of our cocks when the other turned his head. Before I was with my current partner, my view on the whole subject was similar to what you wrote. After dating a few guys who I fell in love with, I realized I needed a life partner to truly be happy. Unfortunately, the guys in my past relationship who claimed to want the same ended up cheating. I started to think my expectations were outdated and unrealistic. I tried to just play the field a bit but it just didn’t feel right for me. After hooking up with someone, I always felt a bit lonely during the drive home” thehopeless romantic in me. ” lol I really enjoyed your post and am looking forward to reading more of your blog. Sorry for the long response that your post inspired. 🙂

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