Ok.. I totally spend way too much time by myself.
I’d always thought I did, but it became truly realised while being unemployed over the past month or so. After almost 3 years working at my old company, here I was suddenly sitting at home spending day after day in front of my computer.. mostly looking through job ads, but sometimes just being online and checking things out.
I know.. that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re out of work, right? But what nobody seems to know to tell anyone is about how absolutely lonely it can become. And unless you already have a good support network around you, it can become very depressing.
And unfortunately for me, my support network keeps dwindling and is reduced to a couple of people over the phone or text messages. And only one of which actually lives in London (some ‘friends’ are those I really only see once every couple of months.. and to me, they’re not part of my support network cause they can’t be relied on to be there for me). And all that time spent online? I wasn’t really chatting to anyone either.. or at least they weren’t chatting to me.
Note: These ramblings are specifically about some people who actually live in London… my friend ‘P’ up in Scotland for instance is a completely different story, and I know I can rely on him for anything regardless of the distance between us. Love ya P xx
I’m not sure why that is really.. Possibly I close myself off from the world and don’t let people in, but get upset that nobody wants in at the same time..
Or possibly I get too needy and desperate for support that I push people away when they’re not able to be there for me the way I want them to be..
Or maybe I just have some shit friends.. Or possibly it’s all of the above.
Whatever. All I know is I’ve been totally and utterly alone for the past month or so (finished work at Easter), and I find it hard to get out of the flat if I don’t have something specific to do, or somewhere I need to be. And when I’m going out by myself, I’m less inclined to go hang out alone cause let’s be honest, where’s the fun in that?
Yes of course it can be fun to treat yourself to a day out once in awhile, but not so much when it’s every day of your life. At some point you just want someone to spent it with, and to share the experiences with.
Over the past month or so, I’ve gone to the theatre, the movies, out for dinners, watched male strippers (ok, there was one and he was boring.. but he was hot), to the museum, out for coffee, walks along the Thames, out to pubs, and so on … all alone because there just wasn’t anyone there to do those things with.
Sometimes it’s nice to be able to turn to the person beside you and say ‘Wasn’t that great?’, and discuss what’s just happened .. Of course when you try to do that with a stranger, they tend to look at you funny. 😉
At least when I was living in my old flat I could go home and discuss what had happened, or what I’d seen, with my flatmate. Ever since I moved in with the ‘daddies’ as I like to call them (I live with an older bear couple now..), I’ve realised how much I relied on him as an outlet to discuss things.
And it’s completely highlighted for me how little of a social life I truly have.
I’m not whinging about it.. just pointing out the facts.. and the facts suck. LOL