When to stop hoping for love

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When is it time to stop looking for love?

I don’t mean that old cliché about how when you stop looking for love, love will find you.  Personally I think that’s a load of bollocks.

What I mean is, at what point in your life do you stop hoping and dreaming of ever finding love and happiness?  When do you stop dreaming of that Prince Charming that’s going to sweep you off your feet, and make you the happiest person alive?

OK, that last example is a bit too fairy tale and unrealistic, but I think you get my drift.

Sure, finding a partner won’t complete a person or make them truly feel better about themselves, but let’s be honest – we all want someone special in our lives and sometimes that becomes a bigger priority than a better job or more money.  Having someone special to share things with makes the other stuff seem insignificant.

Obviously this is different for everybody, and not everyone wants or needs someone in their life.  As a society, we’ve instilled this desire to be happy in each other that it makes us do stupid things to find someone special, or makes us act irrationally.

I know personally I do it too.  I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve dropped everything I’m doing just so I could hang out with some guy I’ve recently met, only to find myself getting attached and getting my feelings hurt when they say they only want something casual, regardless of the connect between us.  It’s not a situation I purposely put myself in, just usually find myself in it once it’s too late.

Now by doing this I’ve found myself in a very lonely position, where I don’t really have any good close friends to spent my free time with.  And since I am a fairly shy person and a homebody, I find I rarely leave my flat on my days off unless I have somewhere specific to go to, or have someone to spend time with.  There’s nothing more depressing than going out to dinner, to the movies, hanging out in a pub or a club all by yourself with nobody to talk to.

Sure, it’s always good to have some alone time to treat yourself to something special, but when it gets to the point that’s how you’re spending your entire life, it kinda gets to you.

I’ve never been a person who’s had a lot of close friends, and at 37 I find myself still waiting for something special to happen romantically.  I’ve dated a couple of guys over the years, but the second it starts to get too intimate, regardless of your physical and emotional connection, they pull away.

A good friend of mine said to me recently that I can come across as a bit too intense for some guys even when I’m trying to hold back or take it easy, and that scares them off. In general, I can come across as a fairly closed person, but when I like someone, I tend to open myself up too much or come across as too needy when I don’t mean to.

Fair enough, but at what point do I stop even trying?  I’ve never been the type of person who has some great passion in life, be it work, sport, or other activity.  All I’ve ever wanted in life is to have someone to give my love to.

It also gets me thinking, with those guys basically rejecting me for any kind of relationship other than a physical one, that maybe I’m one of those people who are destined to be alone forever.  That maybe there’s something about me that makes me undesirable as a boyfriend.  Something that makes them look at me and think I’d be fun to screw around with but that’s it.

I’m probably over thinking it all like I usually do, but this has been happening all my life.  I try to take it easy and not rush myself into anything, but it doesn’t stop it from happening (meaning I’m probably doing it without realising).  And when I do try to live life casually and not think about dating or boyfriends, I tend to find lots of guys who want to sleep with me, but then that leaves me feeling empty and just as low about myself.

I just wish, for once, when a guy says they like me that they’d be willing to see where it takes us.  Honestly, where’s the harm in trying?

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11 thoughts on “When to stop hoping for love

  1. Never stop hoping. It is worth the wait. I spent 43 years in the closet and at 44 found the love of my life and married him one year ago. Now I write about how wonderful life is. Best of luck to you. Everyone deserves love.

  2. Njoki

    Hi writer, my name is Njoki from Kenya Africa. Its like you have removed these thoughts off my mind. I feel you 100% because at 40yrs, that is exactly what has been happening to me. When you get to know how to stop hoping and searching, please tell me how to do that because I want to stop looking and hoping….and just forcus my mind and energy in other things that give me more satisfaction than this short term sex escapades faked as love.

  3. “A good friend of mine said to me recently that I can come across as a bit too intense for some guys even when I’m trying to hold back or take it easy, and that scares them off. In general, I can come across as a fairly closed person, but when I like someone, I tend to open myself up too much or come across as too needy when I don’t mean to.”

    This makes me sad as there is a suggestion that you should modify your behaviour ie NOT BE YOU in order to get them to stick around. I too have had these experiences. I am now a single mother because of these sorts of experiences. I don’t know what the answer is to your question. Personally I go with not giving up hope. You need to believe that one day you will meet someone that just gets you without you modifying who you are. That’s what I’m trying to do. I have also started therapy to deal with all this sort of crap and perhaps modify the parts of my behaviour that aren’t helpful (like always choosing the men that aren’t going to commit). Good luck on your search. He is out there!!!!

    PS I enjoyed your writing style.

    • Thanks for your kind words… I think the point I was trying to get across is I need to stop obsessing and focusing so much on that one aspect of my life. For instance, I should be concentrating on bettering my work and career, or getting out in the world and seeing more of it (I do love to travel..).

      I definitely enjoyed what you wrote about gay marriage recently, and that clip from the man who lost his partner was just heart-breaking.

      • Dd

        Some people are happy just focusing on their career and doing something with their lives, But i don’t think you and me are that kind of people and that makes it even worse. When there’s no hope for love in life, when we know we are going to be alone forever then how can we focus on work and career? What’s the point? We don’t have home to go to, no one there or anywhere waiting for us. When i’m driving back home from work everyday, i hope that the traffic light turns red so that i can reach home late. So much loneliness. Few years ago, i was watching documentary “Come out late”; there i saw one of the most scariest movie scene when one old guy was eating alone. I was so afraid cause i saw my future in him. But then i realized i was eating and watching alone as well, for last 5-6 years. I was afraid of future which is exactly same as my present. Oh god. God, please give me death.

      • No! Death is not the answer no matter how lonely you are! I’ve been there many times, where I’ve thought that’s the only answer, but I continue to persevere. Life is worth living regardless if you have someone special or not. And if you can’t get past the loneliness and still have thoughts of death, then please PLEASE speak to someone – anyone! – about how you’re feeling. Talking is cathartic and helps you immensely.

      • Dd

        Thank you for your kindness. You’re right, death is not the answer, Who knows what happens after death. I’m in deep shit already and seeing how lucky i am, i’d most likely get sent to worse place after death, right! and i should not make my parents suffer seeing me dead.
        I tried being hopeful and didn’t help and tried to lose all hope and i couldn’t do that either. It’s just constant torture of loneliness and no control over this cunning mind and i just can’t learn to live and celebrate this life. It’s like someone inside my mind is trying to kill me. Let’s see how long i can fight him, its a win win situation.
        Thank you

  4. At 22, I already feel this way. I know there will likely be people telling me that I’m young and there’s all this possibility, but that doesn’t mean much to me. The people who express interest in me only do so for shallow reasons and never stick around to get to know the real me. It seems people are much more interested in their own fantasy of me rather than who I really am. I don’t have any close friends either, and anyone I’ve gotten remotely close to has never really seen my needs or feelings as something they should care about. I’ve tried all kinds of things to make my life different…. but I think I’m just meant to be alone. Most of the time I’m okay with that, but lately it makes me really sad. Anyway, your post gave me some comfort that I’m not the only one who’s been through this and feels this way.

    • All I can say is whatever barrier there is that prevents you from getting close to other people, get cracking on removing that now. . Don’t let it fester for another 20 yrs or so and find yourself alone. It’s so not worth it. If you’re only meeting shallow people, then change that, change who you meet. It’s worth it in the end.

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