I suppose my love life is not something I generally talk to just anyone about. I’m a fairly private person at times, but sometimes you just need to talk to somebody about stuff, even if it’s somewhat anonymously.
Over the past year, I can honestly say I’ve met a lot of interesting guys. Some have become friends, some occasional lovers, and others still that were just shags, for lack of a better term.
Without going into massive details, or naming all the names (that I can remember… oops!), I’d say there were 3 specific people who truly affected my life through whatever sort of relationship we had this year: Shuaib, ‘S’, and most recently,’J’.
As already written about here, Shuaib was someone I only got to spend a short period of time with, but has affected my life in a way I never thought possible. To this day, literally almost exactly a year after meeting, we have kept in contact, having very frank conversations about our lives including our love lives.
If it wasn’t for the fact that he now lives in Dubai, and I’m here in London, we might have had a relationship of some sort, possibly even still be together today. We talk all the time about meeting up again, either him coming back to London for a visit, me going to see him in Dubai, or meeting somewhere in between for a holiday of some sort. We both care for the other very much, and it could potentially be the big ‘L’, but thanks to our circumstances, it’s not possible to find out. Who knows what will come of this..
As for ‘S’, he was someone much younger than me that I dated for a bit, but ended things when he wanted it to be more serious and I didn’t. He was there for me during a bad time last year when I almost lost my old job because of something I’d written on here, and I came to rely on him for emotional support.
Inadvertently, I actually hurt him emotionally, something I was never trying to do or have ever done before in the past (that I’m aware of). ‘S’ is a sweet, naive young guy who unfortunately was never planning on ever coming out of the closet (he’s Muslim), and as most of my close friends know, I’m not one to hide who I am. The last thing I wanted to do was to have a secret relationship..
And now we come to ‘J’, someone I’ve been kinda seeing since August 2009 but lives near Cambridge. ‘J’ is a lovely, sexy older man (just turned 53 in December) I met online back in August and we hit it off right away, with things getting sexual very fast. Unfortunately, I should have seen things were going to be doomed with him from the start, thanks to all the baggage he was bringing into it all, from the 4 kids (and 2 grandkids), to a messy 2nd divorce from hubby number 1, and to all sorts of age-gap issues, among other things.
We’ve had a lot of fun together, travelling together to Brighton and to Spain (where he talked about how he wanted me to move to Spain with him in a couple years when he retires…), but in the end he still only thinks of me as a friend. It has also been very difficult because of him not living in London, so we don’t get to see each other on a regular basis.
My eyes were opened wide when staying overnight at his house on Boxing Day, and he had me sleep in his flatmate’s bed while the flatmate slept in his… which is where he apparently normally sleeps every night. And the next day, instead of the two of us spending some time together, possibly him showing me around the area, we ended up going to the movies with the flatmate. I felt like I was hanging out with a couple..
For whatever reason, I’ve allowed myself to get very attached to ‘J’, so whenever he disappoints me or mentions about how we’re just ‘friends’, I find myself getting hurt time and time again. Obviously this isn’t healthy for me emotionally, and is something I’m in the process of ending as we speak. I deserve to be more than just somebody’s booty call.
I suppose, when you think of it all, I’ve had very different relationships with each of these guys, none of which are completely satisfying for me. I need to find someone who is willing to be emotionally available to me, and is geographically viable as well.
Don’t think me desperate to find a boyfriend or anything, because I’m not. I’ve been enjoying my singledom, especially since moving to London, but I guess at some point you just want to settle down, potentially make a life with someone special.
It won’t happen overnight and all, but would be nice if it happened sometime soon. I’m not getting any younger.. LOL