Those that know me, know that I tend to be constantly looking for love. Or at least a few dates here and there.
And those that really know me know that I’ve never found it. Ever. And that it’s been the one thing in my life I’ve always wished I had more control over, my crappy love life.
Sure, I’ve heard all the cliches. ‘You can’t find love; love will find you.’ ‘Once you stop looking for love, it’ll show up when least expected.’ And so on, and so on…. I’m so tired of hearing it.
The last thing someone who is lovelorn wants to hear is that they have to be patient and to give it time. The reason they’re so frustrated is because they have been super patient and have given it so much time that they feel time is running out. Or at least they feel like it is.
Okay, so I’m talking about myself here, cause I do sometimes feel like love will never find it’s way to me, or that I’m just not destined to find that special someone. And, yeah, I do think sometimes that time is running out. I’m 35 years old, and I’ve only really had one boyfriend in the dozen or so years I’ve been out … and that guy was about 4 years ago, and he only stuck around for about 3 months.
Literally, I’ve never had any luck on the love front, and it’s extremely frustrating. The one thing I’ve always wanted is to be in a loving, committed relationship. I watch those around me in all sorts of relationships, good and bad, and I get jealous. Some of them just don’t know how good they really have it.
I’ve known so many people over the years who have just jumped from relationship to relationship without even trying. Serial monogamists, if you will.
And those same people are the ones that say they wish they were single like me, so they could do what they wanted. I’m tired of those people complaining they wish they were single, because the second they’re actually single, they bitch and moan about being alone, and they usually find someone new in a snap. Or their friends will immediately try to set them up with someone, because God forbid they actually be single and learn to love themselves.
And don’t even get me started on couples who are in supposed ‘open’ relationships. Why can’t they just be happy with what they’ve got?
Now don’t get me wrong, it is definitely fun being single, especially if you’re going out to a club, or spending the evening at the sauna. You have no one to report back to other than yourself. Only problem is you still go home and crawl into bed alone.
However, to be honest, at this point, after going so many years without a partner or lover, I’m not even sure I’d know what to do if I actually got one. And sometimes I honestly think there may have been multiple opportunities for a relationship of some sort over the years, but I’ve messed it up somehow.
And at the same time, I just can’t stop looking or wanting to find love. I know it’s not going to ‘complete me’ somehow; I’m not that naive. It’s more I’m tired of being lonely all the time and tired of being alone. I’m a romantic and I’ve got to believe there just has to be someone out there waiting for me as impatiently as I’m waiting for him. I just wish he’d show up already.
And yes, I am well aware that the loneliness is partly due to still being new to London and not having really found my niche of close friends yet.
But that’s a rant for another day….